Coming back from financial and spiritual devastation, follow me as I share my story as a women with candid and transparent writing.
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Friday, May 20, 2011
Standing on the Mountain looking in
Coleman came in green eyes shining ,god I love those green eyes,, the only one of my four children with green eyes.! He had scored a 98 in science on his EOG (this is a statewide achievement test for NC). "Well" he said, "Mom that has to be the highest in the country!" I didn't have the heart to correct him. His optimism, that anything is possible, inspired me! My father was the absolute best at that! He had the ability to make you believe and dream just about anything. And he had the abilities and talents to do just about all of them . There were just so many other issues in his life so I will not get into them out of respect and deep deep love for him, maybe at a later time with his permission. I remember the day Kenny and I drove off the campus of Southeastern Bible College of the Assemblies of God! Wow that's a mouth full! We were packed, locked & loaded, and ready to fire.? Me sitting in the middle of his Ford truck, hand on his knee, his arm around my neck, we also had that shine in our eyes and optimism in our hearts. I look out over these mountains, as I drink my black coffee, in awe of the majesty of the Maker and how small I am sitting here.I never tire nor fail to be taken back by its "wow" factor, even after all the time I have lived here. I tell the locals I count it an honor to live in such an aesthetically pleasing place. As I think of the naivety, hopes, dreams, optimism, however you want to word it, I think of my soul at this moment and things that have crept in over the past 3 yrs,the good the bad and the ugly. Every gamut of emotions.. If I were asked where I would have seen myself today I certainly would have been right there on 6th avenue, pontoon boat parked out front, tending to my life. Probably changing the wall color in my living room, dragging home a drunk from the lake, and through this whole process I won't lie we have asked ourselves, we have asked each other, "What do you think we have done?" And believe me others have had no problem offering there "God lead advice." When the educated ones, who thought they were so smart and witty asked Jesus, "Well what has this blind man's parents done, they must have done something to cause him to be blind?" Jesus said, "No they have done nothing, he has done nothing, his blindness is for a moment of glory for God". As we started seeing our life unfold it was not due to gambling, adultery, mismanagement, it unfolded while we were attending church week by week and praying week by week. "God we need you." "God you are our only hope". None-the-less, we saw nothing change, only digress and get worse. If you remember, I made the statement in an earlier post I was determined that my children would see me in a positive light. Well, as I thought about what to write I really felt this post was meant for the church goer who prays and prays and it seems, outwardly, nothing changes. As I was trying to make sense of "....loss equals punishments" which is not the words of Jesus, I realized all eyes are on us. Those 3 yrs as we were being consumed with loss our banker who was seeing me daily and encouraging ME, imagine THAT a numbers guy encouraging someone who owed him money!!! A Banker, our men, our children, the people we went to church with.The Young kids at Starbucks, too many relationships and connections to name, we had been called to show character and integrity in a time when it was not EASY! We would have to live what we have devoted our entire lives to believing, even though around us there was no evidence of it getting better. But isn't that true of alot of things in life. I am committed to my husband, my kids, my parents, my church, my girlfriends, yet there are times when I don't see much good or excitement or a big payday, but I value those relationships, it is the core of who I am, so I am in it for the long haul, whether I feel like it or not. Today, so often, our pulpits preach money and the Cleavers, when so often it is the Dyers. Crisis comes in all forms, that is what binds us together, not the details. We have to guard from becoming angry at God and the church and find a place of connecting with people again on a level of sincerely and honesty. A hard and lonely lesson we have learned. I think, honestly, it is out of fear, maybe they think it will cost them something, something financially. We would have been thrilled with a cup of coffee. I received a very sad text it said , "I have never had much, have never expected much ,never wanted much, but when your little bit you have crumbles.. COME ..ON..", I had no words, nothing to say except God is faithful. God doesn't always work things out the way we want Him to or He would be no more than a magic genie. God's ways are not always our ways but He is always faithful. All that sounds so noble and honorable and I am very glad that I was able to keep my self composed, but in the recesses of my heart a battle of great conflict was going on, it was not noble nor honorable.