Thursday, June 16, 2011
Our 20 yrs old buying us groceries and helping with the kids fees at school and carrying part of the burdens of our family, not out of obligations but out of love. It tore my heart out. I can say it was a different child than the one who left Tallahassee, Florida. The one that spited her siblings, was full of anger and hostility, appreciated nothing, and carried a dark foreboding with her everywhere. What she has become, since being in North Carolina, was, really, what she always was, but there was just too much anger and resentment and pain. All I could say was God will provide, but I doubted it myself. How do you encourage when you are not encouraged yourself. We were all down and discouraged deep in our souls. She was just young and able to express it more verbally and emotionally. I was secretly crying out "God, Emma is going to get so discourage she is going to never want any part of the church and think we have lived our entire lives for something that has brought us to a dead end", and beyond all this she had seen church people at their worst, hostile, angry, bitter, and more troubled than most of the people she knew. She, as many people throughout time, had the mistaken idea that you can define God by his worshipers! And once again, I heard that small voice, Angie trust Me. But, God my child is hurting, she is in danger. Angie, trust me. Emma went to work the next day and she called me crying and instantly my heart sank, it scared me, she said, "Mom, everyone got together and bought me 4 tires, all I have to do is go have them put on!" She was crying so hard I could hardly understand her! So I thought of the passage in the Bible that says God will not put on you more than you can take, and I think Emma and Kenny and I were at our ropes end (a theme for us, one I know you are getting very, very tired of), and God provided a way out, through a source I would have never seen possible. How many times do we limit or define God, how we imagine we know all the possible resolutions to a horrid moment in our lives and when none of our solutions work we believe God is not quite as creative as we are. I know I do it all the time, it is in my DNA, maybe it is in all our DNA, I like to have things planned and organized and I like to know what to expect, I thought, "Maybe I can ask this one to help with her tires, maybe she can get a loan, maybe this or maybe that" trying to fix things myself, but if I have learned anything, looking back on the last 3 years of our life, it has been by NO ONE'S hand, but by the hand of God that our family has been sustained. But how quickly I forget it from day to day! As I said yesterday, I am just human and I am weak, and these are very difficult things we are facing and as I spoke of the commonplace, I meet God daily and I face my inadequacies daily, situation by situation. I have tried to adopt an attitude of emotional and spiritual gratitude as a lifestyle and it serves as a powerful antidote to discouragement and a sense of failure. Gratitude focuses on what we have, rather than on what we don't have. It is difficult to accept that God's greatest work in our life might currently be under way in a mundane and un-seen way, one which may well be underestimated by us or anyone else. It is not the American spirit, and it is not the American Church spirit, but it may well be the right spirit. If, indeed, it is, it should be a great consolation to all of us, knowing the only thing God, really, expects from us is Trust, not ability! Sounds good, I would really, really, like to be There!!
Posted by Angela Marie at 3:07 PM