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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Full Of Knowledge Empty Heart

When I read one of my very dearest friends, whom I have known for a small amount of time, yet it feels like my whole life, was going on a Women's Retreat in a few weeks something in my soul just knew that I had to go. No matter what amount of doors closed in front of me, no matter what obstacles where placed in my way, I just knew I had to go. Well, if you read this hosh posh of my writing I call my life, you will know I haven't written in quite a while. But, as I sit to type out several cute lil sayings or quote scriptures we all can quote, I reflect back to the moment I took this burden on, that is, revealing one's life, inadequacies, failures, bad attitudes, triumphs and victories, it is a huge burden. I am reminded I made a commitment to be completely honest even at the expense of looking less than "pretty". In spite of that, I had come to a place where I just could not sit down and bear up under another mind bending drama because I was in a dark place. It was too taxing on my mind and body. We have been through things in the past 2 and half months that have, at times, made me physically sick. Times when I even questioned my sanity and abilities as a mother, a wife, a friend and, most importantly, a child of God. . Things that I have never doubted to this extent before in my life. It was as though I was functioning and going through the motions and getting things done, but my mortal body was an empty shell. It was shallow, bruised, hurt, bleeding, sick, frail, afraid, too many adjectives to describe how badly crushed my spirit had become. I could not even function in my relationship with Kenny, which has never happened on this kind of level. I had just, on an emotional level withdrawn from anything that required me to feel. My health had been decling and I just barely had the strenght to fall into bed at night. In the darkness of night I would have such a sense of failure and inadequacy's, because I just could not, not matter how hard I tried get a grip on my emotions. I say that to say this, as I sit here today, nothing has changed from 2 and half months ago, but, ME. God certainly has not changed or suddenly showed up, He was always there. When I saw my friend's post, I messaged her and said sign me up, I don't know how but I  will be there, which sounds ludicrous when  we are living moment to moment not knowing if we will have vehicles to drive, or money to pay our utilities, how on earth was I gonna go to a Women's Retreat! It sounded ridiculous! And even though I knew I was to go no bells and whistles went off and instantly lifted my mood leaving me a renewed woman. It was just a methodical day to day making plans to go. And day to day one disaster after another happen to prevent me from going. It was as though the universe had set its sights on keeping me in a dark pit, impotent to my family, foreign to my friends and above all isolated from God. Pain and hurts, or disappointments, tax your soul in such a way that every time something happens you shut  down a lil and then, before you realize, you have become completely detached. And this is so true of our relationship with God. As we face these things and we are hurt and torn and beaten we start out praising God for His kindness and just for who He is, but it doesn't take long to allow the media, or our "busy"ness, or our "I will take charge" attitude to enter our minds and, before we know it, there are days we don't even speak to Him. Of course we still know Him, and love Him, but the strength the tenacity to face difficult times gets weaker and weaker. I love the text that says when I am weak He is strong, but you have to invite Him to hold you up, He will never force Himself on you. He is always there waiting and longing for a whisper, "God I need you". As the days passed over these past fews months and my health declined and our already stripped and naked life just seemed to fall further into the chasm of chaos,  little by little I felt a hardening of my heart. Ever so secretly that no one would know, yet I still  was an encourager, still attended church, still sang all the songs, but in my soul there was absolutely nothing, it was void. Kenny knew, it had taken a great toll on him, as well as our relationship, and this deeply saddens me. And I guess, truth be said, I didn't want to let go of the anger,  because I knew if I ever really acknowledged how empty and far from Him I felt I would have to come to terms with the hurts I had faced. One particular hurt was so great, concerning one of my children, I felt as though every time I took a breath someone had punched me in the stomach, my head pounded so bad I could see it pulse in my temples. The hurt in my heart had literally consumed my body. It had made me physically sick. And on top of that I felt like mentally I was going mad. I would get into the shower and sit on the floor and wept so hard I would at times make myself sick. I could not deal with the hurt I was feeling. That is without the daily touch from the One who keeps our hearts soft and assures us that He holds that child's destiny in His hands. As his Mom I just hurt so deeply for him, I couldn't hear God speak, I couldn't even hear God's whispers anymore, well, I had just closed my ears to them.  I had hit bottom. Sometimes it takes desperation to make us surrender. I think brokenness makes us love on a level that is supernatural. So when I arrived at this conference, I looked like I had it all together, chatting and joking, yet I had an agenda, God I have to find you, or I am going to die a death of a broken heart. It didn't matter about the food, the temperature of the building, how lumpy the bed was or how I really didn't care for one of the speakers, none of that  mattered, because I had came to get something and I was not leaving until I got it. I could have been the only one there and it would not have mattered. I was broken and desperate, dreams and gifts God had given me as a little girl I couldn't bring them to mind, hope for the future was a dismal and dreadful thought. As I sat in those meetings it was apparent that God had orchestrated that entire weekend for me. Down to every minuet detail. Details noone but He could have know, He touched my mind and brought back to my memory the dreams and the calling He had on my life, and it was as though a fog had been lifted from my mind and I saw clearly again. Every detail, every moment, nothing was vague or abstracted or distant or unclear, it ALL became clear. Things I had not thought of since my childhood, was brought to mind, and my soul was revitalized, invigorated, restored, fortified and I was rejuvenated! God had met me, just one small whisper was all I had the strength to get out, God I need You, I need Your touch, and in a moment He was there.