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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Let The Bitterness Begin And Hopefully Let It Go

Wyatt had been telling me for several weeks his knee had been hurting, and I had just brushed it off as being either growing pains or maybe something he had done at PE. Well, this particular day he came home and he was limping and it was hurting pretty bad.. Well panic didn't began to build it went straight to full blown anxiety. I had started these horrible bouts of anxiety the night I was awoken to find out Emma was arrested, (I will continue the rest of her story very soon). My intention is to spend tomorrow, making an outline so I can stay on track so all this makes coherent sense. So Emma's conclusion is coming, I promise!! But one thing, if any, I am good at is, I can be cool and collected under pressure. Not so good now, it seems, after going through these stressers. Somehow I think, like I said in an earier post, it has chemically altered my system., but until then, I still had a handle on things. I had worked around my Moms, sunned in the yard, and prepared a beautiful dinner, greeted the kids when they departed the bus.  After we cleaned up from dinner and did homework and I was sitting on the back porch looking out at the creek and the majestic mountains.  It was one of those very low moments in my life, and to add pain to injury Kenny would also wound me even more, out of his own fears and anxieties. As I sat weeping what the kids didn't know was I had called every Doctor in the book to try and get Wyatt and appointment and without insurance, and at that time we did not have the children on Medcaid, no one would see him without payment up front, and I knew there would be x-rays also. I felt so completely hopeless. Wyatt came and sat with me and I wiped my tears and looked away and started making small talk and he said, "Mom I had the coach look at my knee he is kinda like a Doctor, cus I know we don't have the money to go see a Doctor." I said , "Wyatt when did you do that?" He said, "A couple weeks ago." I know I have used this phrase now several times, but I just don't have a better one, I died a thousand deaths at that moment. He had been hurting for ALMOST a month. When he pulled his pants up it was  black & blue and swollen. I could not speak, if I could have mi micked a 2 year old child and crawled down to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest, hid my face, and bawled I would have done it. If  Kenny had been near I would have crawled in his arm and let the emotion drain until I could feel no more. I could not bear the pain in my heart, it was like bricks on my chest, it was like immense failure, it was like sadness, it was horrible desperation, I do not know how my physical body and the balance of how everything works could not get out of kilter after such high levels of emotions and anxiety. I know it was not life or death but it was an accumulation of the past year and half of my children needing the basics and me not being able to give it to them. As I wrapped his knee, assuring him we would see a doctor tomorrow I thought to myself God just let this evening end so I can call Kenny and in our private moments on the phone we can console each other. As Isabella drifted off to sleep I called Kenny and told him the story and said what are we going to do? Well lets just say, he died a thousand deaths as well, 500 miles away, but did so in the recesses of his heart.  He struck out at me and it crushed me. He said, "Angie" in a very firm not very sympathetic voice, "What do you want me to do?" Really, just masking his own breakdown, that was just on the verge of erupting. But I couldn't read that through the phone. All I could hear was an attack and no support. Did  he say, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Well, I will tell you one thing you can do, Kenny you can get your stuff ( not the word I used in my mind)together and get me my life back. Don't put me in these situations. Don't make me drive my Mother's car at 43 yrs of age. Don't make me face Wyatt hiding an injury because he knows we don't have the money.Why am I facing all this alone. All the ugly starting coming out. All the mud slinging.Why am I going to have to face the doctor with no insurance and money? What are "YOU" suppose to do about it? Are you kidding me? Little did I know that was a dark and desperate night for Kenny he had struck out in deep deep anguish and hurt before thinking and these things, these types of emotions are so much harder for men. Because they are our protectors, they are our buffers, and he was not here to take the brunt force of what I was facing. We were not coming together as a couple in a physical way, either, which can bring you to higher places without even speaking. The moments when you are weak and  you need the other one, it is these moments you connect on a level that words are just  not adequate enough. We had even lost that. God I have been stripped of everything. In Tallahassee lay a man feeling the same exact way. I feel the sadness even as I think about it now. But I did not know all that, all I knew was I felt abandoned by him. And instead of giving him the grace that God so often gives us, the grace I have spoken about, the grace upon grace that God gives us, my horns and daggers came out. I realized I had alot of questions and resentment toward Kenny that he and I would have to work through, God would have to work through me,  before this was over. We all deal with loss in different ways, death of a child, a parent, a home, even a life style choice for a child. I have had several friends who had children who have came out. One friend is from a Christian background and one is not. I think they both share a few common griefs in this process of coming to terms with this life, of this child that they carried, nurtured and wanted to have a full, complete life. Anything out of the normal or ordinary in or out of the church is going to be a very hard , difficult road for both of these boys. People, as a whole, are not kind hearted, they are cruel and unjust. The loss of natural grandchildren, something very important to a woman. The strain these kinds of issues put on the parents marriage can be huge on siblings as well as extended family members. My heart breaks for them and I sincerely pray for their sons and their families. The religious beliefs may separate these moms but the grieving is ALL the same. Just like my grieving for Wyatt, these moments bring us together and make us human.  Even my anger and hostility at Kenny, makes me who I am. How I address and handle those feelings will define who I become.