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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

One more program.

I got a text Coleman was sick so we headed to the school to pick him up worried in the back of both of our minds I am certain we are getting low on gas. So out of sheer necessity  we decide to checkout Isabella also so we dont have to drive the monster AKA Bronco back to get her. We are budgeting every drop of gas. I spoke by text to a cousin of mine who was so discourage in the same situation, and I had no words of magic no secret equations, all I could tell her was I love her and I would be praying for her. See she is where we where almost 3 years ago, still holding tight to a home, a boat, a life, a city where her children where born and raised. A life I can't even remember at times. Back to the Bronco. I saw a yooung man at church yesturday I call my Angel from the Lord. It was a freezing cold winter night. My Bronco had been acting up for months and Wyat had been jumping it almost everytime we drove it. It would spit and sputter down the road, I would be so afraid so to hide my anxiety we would sing at the top of our lungs to try and mask the fear and poor performance of the truck.  We had been to Walmart and we were loaded! The kids were chatting and kenny was trying to console me on the phone from Florida. The anxiety he must have been feeling. We had made it off the interstate and had coasted into a Pilot gas/truck stop. Wyatt, bless  his heart, he and I got out so the little ones would not hear and said Mom I will find a man and ask if he thinks it needs water or that stuff that looks like mountain dew. I said son we need to pray. He said yes mom just when we are on the precipice of disaster God saves us. My military son!! He came out speaking like a General! At that moment my Angel from the Lord showed up. His given name is Matthew. My feet were  lead and my heart and soul were even heavier. I cant even imagine how Kenny must have felt being 500 miles away and helpless.  As I glanced in that Bronco at Cole and Bella laughing and cutting up standing their Wyatt and I freezing  I felt anger well up in me like nothing I had ever felt. It was ugly, it was dark, it was evil. I WAS BITTER. My pity for Kenny soon turned to anger why didnt he fight harder for our business. Why didnt he fight harder for our life. I came back to reality when Matthew cast his warm smile at me and said, "Whats the problem?" He had owned several Broncos and he filled the radiator and we got it started and made it home!  As Isabella jumped in the truck today she handed me a note and i just started laughing. I said no way! I was shaking my head. Kenny said, What? I said ANOTHER program! We have had programs at the kids schools it seems like a couple times a week. We have two at the elementary and one at the middle school. Here is the problem. These programs are extremely important to our children for us to be at,  BUT what about the folks that just dont have the means by which to go? God how have we found ourselves here? How have we been abandoned? Or so it feels. God give me a good attitude TODAY,  meet my need TODAY.  Rainy day, corn chowder for dinner. Lots of laundry and still looking for some reason or purpose or sanity to this....... day to day dangling by a thin tread over a clif....that has become our life.

It wounds God to see us hurt

I was so troubled last night I tossed and turned most of the night. I had met someone I had an instant connection with, that is on a friendship level. She is funny, smart, pretty, quick whit ted and GENUINE (a  rare quality these days). I had felt there was some sadness or conflict, I am not sure how to even word it. None the less,  when I woke I ask Kenny to pray with me for my friend and we went about our morning business. When I would tell my kids the principles of the Bible I would tell that them God had lay ed these foundational laws out, these rules, only for our benefit. Certainly, He didn't need them, He doesn't get any joy out of  enforcing them. He just want us to have full and complete lives. And this basic and simple child like analogy sooooo applies to God hating divorce. In divorce the word "amicable" is such a funny word to me. I can guarantee you their is always  one who has been crushed under the weigh of that divorce.  I have a nephew who is 35, and bless his heart, to this day he says his parents' divorce, forever, changed him. He never got over it. As an adult he understands it, but the pain of loss never goes away. As I see the struggles our families are facing and the outside influences on the family are of no support. Our colleges and Universities are saying the Bible is old and antiquated. The "Intellectual" class has abandoned all such sentiments. We say loving someone is a deep "feeling"( how unintellectual) and when the "feeling" diminishes, well move on! You can only trust your "feeling", and what feels good. Let me just warn you, don't raise your children with this kind of philosophy. When we make connection on a physical level (sexual) that penetrates the soul and binds people in the soul of them.  If that bond is broken or treated as casual, then it leaves wounds that last a lifetime.  These pains may lie buried, yet they remain and often resurface when we find the true love of our life, but then those intimate moments, that God meant for just two individuals to share, are scarred.  As I reflect on the past 3 yrs and the times I would feel bitterness creep in toward my own husband, or God, I would have to apply these time-honored and profound Biblical  principles to my life. When I would feel abandoned by the church leadership (Pastors) whom we had been friends with for years I had to say God Your are bigger than these men.  Bigger than our organization (the Church) that I had loved my whole life. I had a commitment to my faith, my husband, and church even though at times I did not "feel" like it. The central nature of God, however, is forgiveness, before anything else. God hates sin because it inflicts deep wounds, wounds, however,  that He alone can repair! My feelings, now, change
from hour to hour and minute to minute, if I allow my life to be moved along by feeling I will never experience anything worthwhile.  The most horrid and difficult people I have ever dealt with, in or out of the Church, have been people who live by emotion and not commitment and principle.  What I can, also, say is that  I have experienced, and needed, more of God's forgiveness in the past three years than I ever imagined I might