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Monday, May 16, 2011

Side Effects.

Well, they say you can have a break down bio chemically, genetically, or through a traumatic situation. I don't think I have had what you would think of as typical break down. But I think I have had some alteration to my system. I went almost 14 days with no sleep and  was also having severe migraines. I just went through the change of life that brings on many physical as well as, lets just say, "mental" changes, and the tremendous amount of stress we have been under the past 3 year years I think has played a role as well. They put me on medication which I was very apprehensive about because I am not a big fan of prescription drugs. My symptoms were just too severe for me to deal with anymore, or so I thought. The side effects of this medicine may be worse. It has corrected my sleeping, hot flashes and migraines but I am completely spaced out!  I cannot spell, which I am hyper sensitive about! Kenny and I got married and I did not finish college. I am usually an excellent speller. I can't spell CAT!   I go to speak and cannot think of the word. Or I will blurt out and start talking when someone else is talking! It is insane! As if my life is not stressful enough. Well my husband, Tom (I call him that when his not being as understanding  or sensitive as I think he should be), sat me down and wanted to know what in the world was wrong with me. "Angie I will be talking to you and you just take off on something else. Or you start doing something and get up and start something else..Or your not petting me enough . Bla bla bla." Well Tom lets see we have no income, no cash reserve, no gas in the bronco, I am in menopause and I am on anti-seizure medication. Do you want to see my head spin around? And he gave me advice about my blog! When he was writing his book I made one comment and good Lord you would have thought I shot his Momma. So I sat in my chair and thought about all the Moms that face these difficult situations, but face them by themselves. And I thought God please give me the strenght to never lose the ability to have joy in whatever situation I find myself in. It reminded of Paul and how he described his situation, "His grace is sufficient for me for power is perfected in weakness. Gladly I will boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." He wasn't dwelling on his situation I think he was rejoicing over his weakness and the fact that God's grace empowers him to reign victorious over those weaknesses. I think, as women, we led very secretive lives and by doing that we live very lonely and secluded lives. I know myself, I am far more effective when I am forced into a situation I am not comfortable with. If Gods grace was sufficient for a man who left his family, his home, was ship wrecked, imprisoned, stoned, and left for dead, I am confident His Grace can get me through the struggle ahead of us. My poor spelling, turrets, drifting off, lack of attention to my husband, side effects,head spinning, LOL, you get my point .........

The Yellow bird

Kenny slipped out of bed and closed the door quietly thinking I was asleep.As I lay there awake my attention was on a large ceramic urn that I had placed branches in and clipped these beautiful yellow song birds onto. They are so delicate and frail yet I see such a strength and confidence in them. It brought my mind to a very dark and low day in my life. We were about a year into this new chaos.Coleman had put his shoes on  that morning and they were way too tight. I felt my throat tighten my heart pound and anger build in my heart. I met Kenny for lunch and I don't think we had talked about anything of any importance and our  conversation had gotten very surface. Our fear had consumed us. And somehow by speaking those fears out loud to each other it validated them. So my outlet had become my Bible and fasting. And to my shame it had been years since I had fasted.  God has a way of bringing us back to places we need to be. I had prayed the same prayer over and over and had seen nothing change, only get worse. I had a lady who for years had helped me in the house and had became a dear friend. She was not from this country, she said, "Aunngie, u life is going down down down!" And she was right, that is, from all outwardly appearances. I left that restaurant and could not drive home and sit in my house and be prisoner to my own mind. So I went and sat in my Denali  and parked.  I thought God we have built our lives on your principles but we also have built our life on life insurances, 401 K, IRAs, Annuities, health insurances........ the list goes on and on. But sometimes you can do everything right and things still turn out bad. . It is just meant to be. The church doesn't like to speak of these things but trials are not a sign of punishment. I have been told by Church's that my story is not a feel good story with a happy ending. Well I disagree! We are intact as a family, Kenny and I will be married 27 yr the 26 of May, so I think that is a "feel" good story. It is not a get rich story, but it is a story of hope and the redeeming power of God's loves for us. Somehow in this life we have built our churches on the prosperity message saying come to God and everything will be perfect; NOT! What about  the family that sits on the pew week after week who the father is beating the "h..." outta the Mom?  Week after week she prays, week after week and nothing changes.. What does the prosperity message do to her soul.? So God today I ask you to meet my need, not tomorrow or the next, but today. I thought about the Saints who built theirs lives on the principles of the Bibles. Faith. I began to reflect on the miracles I had been taught as a little child and I had taught my children, and slowly my strenght began to come back to me. At that  moment a sparrow flew in and landed on my mirror on the door of my truck (my window was down) and in his mouth was a piece of tree bark that was dripping with tree sap..This was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen and he was Fat. He dropped the piece of bark and looked into my eyes and the words of Jesus resonated in my mind. Do not worry about your life what you will eat or drink or wear. The birds of  the air don't store away food , the heavenly Father feeds them. Who by worrying can add one day to their life. Another life altering moment, and from that day on, I still have that little piece of bark to remind me over the next two years as we face far more traumatic experiences than I had faced up until that point.  My mantra has been the simplest of prayers 1.Our Father who is in heaven Holy is Your name, 2.Your Kingdom live in my heart  3.Your will be done in my life 4 Meet my need for TODAY.