Our Daily Walk, So Many Beautiful Roses

As we started our daily walk,  I couldn't get a good stride, because I just could not stop myself from stopping and smelling each and every rose. They were just magnificent. Here in Waynesville, NC., there is an amazing lake called Lake Junaluska and on the two and a half mile sidewalk around the lake they have what is called the rose walk, and it is probably 400 feet long of just the most majestic rose bushes of every kind and variety imaginable. It is such a distraction for me!! But lately, everything distracts me! I guess it is our situation. It is funny how quickly our emotions go up and down. Sunday when the Bronco started knocking, my heart sank, that old dreaded feeling of the world is coming to an end. I felt the old ugliness, we all have in us, the bad attitudes and blaming, things that we shouldn't allow in our hearts. But, as I went to sleep, I prayed, "God all I can pray is I am weak and you know my heart and you love me regardless of my faults, help me". I woke, in much better spirits, even though nothing had changed. So it actually was a lesson, once again, for the millionth time learned, we must NOT let our emotions rule or lives. Isn't this what we teach our children, yet we can't even apply these simple truths to our own lives. But, here is the way I see it, it seems the more people have the tighter and more stingy they become and the less they enjoy it when they actually get to do something. When we would go out on our boat, the friends that had the most, bought the least amount of things. We were always the one buying the gas, bringing the food. Then we would invite a poor family and they would come with coolers full of things and offer to fill the boat with gas. Go figure. But money is not the only thing that can get off track, I remember, and let me say, by no means is this a bash Kenny site, or bash me site for that matter, I made an oath to be forth right with our failures and hopefully we will learn and grow and you as well will learn and grow from what we have been through. But I remember we had the most beautiful, Bennington, pontoon boat. We had bought it used, paid cash and it was the Cadillac of the pontoon boats. The seats were like big hugh  recliners. We would go out on Saturdays, or after church on Sundays, but, Kenny would be so consumed with the business, or the church he would  snap or he would be mentally somewhere else. I would get obsessed with kids smushing (is that a word!?- I guess a southern word!) chips into the carpet, I spent my entire time, worried as well. Let me tell you, if we had that boat now, we would find a family, who had very little, load up and we would certainly not think about anything, but ENJOYING the day at the river! SO I have to think how many missed days, or missed opportunities or moments we have let pass us by. I don't want to do that any more. We have been privileged to lived in the GREAT Smokey Mountains, people dream about living here. You don't need money, to hike, and explore or take long walks with my husband and talk about what we hope for our future and how God has been so good and faithful to us all these years. The kids have learned to garden and have had a connection to the soil, which is a hertiage that my grandmother left me, so much good, has came from so much hurt and devastation. My soul is inspired when  I see the beauty in these mountains, they display the handy work of the Maker. The  snow filled winter, the magnitude of looking up and as far as you can see snow covering the sky, the air so crisp, it burns your lungs, being curled up on the couch with Kenny in front of the fire for hours, no interruptions, something we had not done in years. Finding a young love again, in an old barn, with unfinished floors and no heat, scurrying off to bed early like honeymooners. Kenny spending a school year of driving the kids to school and spending the best part of their day with them, not when they are exhausted or irritable but the best, getting to see all their programs, meeting their teachers, all while many would say our life is in a shamble. I have even said it.  Shame on me. In our house the living/dining/kitchen/playroom/ is all one room, I was cooking, Wyatt was on his X-box, Emma, yes our 21yr old, and Bella and Coleman were playing Rock band, at home safe and sound, a family. Not scattered, not torn apart, or wounded, but happy, well adjusted and secure. Shame on me. Are we to quick to see the bad and never see the good? Aren't we guilty of even doing that toward our own country? Do we not have loyalty to anything anymore? God one more time, I will try to move forward and look for the good things you have given us and not let my emotions rule my life.

She Is Broke Yet Again

Diving home from church yesterday the bronco started making a odd sound, so we pulled over and Kenny checked all the fluids and the pressure, it wasn't running hot  so we made it home and we called Dad. So we got him on the phone, put the phone to the motor, and as our history would play out, the motor is gone. Let me just say, the motor is less than  a year old. So now we have had 3 motors blow up in that bronco. What are the odds of that! I think their might be a lesson here. What do you think? I guess it's better to laugh than cry. As I have said in previous posts I get so attached to things for sentimental reasons, and this Bronco is one of those things, me and the kids bonded and pulled together and became a unit in that old truck. She means far more than just a means of transportation to me. I had looked for months and then when I found it, Kenny had sent me money and I gave the kid a down payment and made payments. Faithfully week by week he had sent me money until she was mine!  I LOVED IT!!  I would go by in my Moms car and look at it and dream of the day I would ride these mountain roads with the top off and the sound of that 351 and the freedom of that big truck.  At the time it had a Jimmy Johnson in it. There were times we spoke of, out of necessity, selling it, and the kids faces would drop, and they would say, "No, we can't, never, ever, we have to always keep the Bronco". It has represented a new start, a rebirth for our family. Now, she sits out front with the hood lifted. I know it sounds stupid, but my heart breaks. I know every inch of that truck, every imperfection, every scratch, every noise, but also every memory, I don't think, myself, I could part with it, even for another new truck.  If you have never been without a vehicle it is impossible to understand how a vehicle can control your life, but it is so true. You are completely at the mercy of someone else if you have no way to go. If you are teetering on the edge even a 40.00 auto repair can seem like a monumental feat, that is, if you are living week to week. Thank God we are blessed to have my Dad. Alot of people don't even have that. Dad has been a key  component in all this, he has put everything together on the Bronco, so he will be the one to pull out the motor send it back and put the new one in  We are dealing with such high level stressers, sometimes I don't know, outside of the grace of God how Kenny and I have survived. I have since the young age of 18 and , to this day, at 45 years old,  loved Kenny, and been devoted to only him, but outside of love their are times I feel my mental capacity teetering on instability. I fear at times,  there will be a moment I don't return. When the stressers in my body makes me immobile, I feel as though I am in a dream I cant get out. I know as a man,  all Kenny has lost and all he has seen me lose as a women, he has got to feel the same demons inside. You both in your own quite moment questions each others motives, because you both are scared and afraid, but neither one really wants to verbally say it out loud, somehow it makes it real. So you just kinda avoid saying anything. Stress is an awful, awful thing. It would be one thing to face these issues if it were the two of us, but to load us the children once again, and assure them, trust me, I am making the right decision for us, Dad and Mom are doing what we know is best, when, I don't know that this, is what is best.  But I do know, we have done our best to bend our knee to God and teach them that our source is not our talents or our abilities but the grace of God  in our life. When we do make a decision, even if it is wrong, God will still honor us, because, loves us and he takes care of those he loves. So its not about what we've done, or what we will do, its about Him and Who He is, that is were our future lies , that is were my mental stability lies, that is were mine and Kenny relationship will be its fullest, that is were there safe haven is. That is Who they put their trust in. We could have a brand new house 3 new cars a boat parked in a boat slip, a vacation house in the mountains and our kids know nothing about having faith in God and see our relationship deteriorate and destroy any hope of them having marriages that last. So as we sit them down tonight we will tell them, yes we are moving, yet again, but we are moving together, we will never be apart again, they will be safe, we love them, we are a family, and God over sees our life. And hope is attached to the promises of God because every promise takes you beyond your own minuscule resources to the  infinite resources of God. That is why our inadequacies become the qualifications for experiencing His sufficiency's. I love what Paul said. "Not that we are adequate  in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God" (2 Cor 3:5)

Do You feel As Though You Have lost the Smile Of God

Do you ever look back at certain moment which changed everything? A lightning-flash, you shut your eyes and instinctively  when you open them things look differently. I have opened my eyes many times,and been disoriented, not knowing where I was, feeling as though I was back in Tallahassee, on 6th Ave, in my bed. Even the familiar smells of my house.  I would lay there and bask in the familiar  feeling of being at home safe and secure. Where you feel like nothing can harm you. . But nothing will ever be the same again as before the lightening-flash as so they call it. Things are changed, altered, different, never to be the same.. It is a beautiful Saturday  and I am sunning and I sit and have to think I will would never want to go through such a time as this again, but I am confident that it has been the best love could has chosen for me. His love. In the beginning of all of this I felt as though it was the death of a dream, but now I realize it has become the fulfillment of the dream God had for me. His good and perfect and acceptable will. The "dreams" I had mapped out or thought was going to present themselves in Tallahassee were just not meant to be and the things that have been accomplished while in Tallahassee and up until today could have never been fulfulled had things continued the way they were. So often, I felt as though I had been abandoned, God had removed His hand from us, we had lost His smile, when in truth His love had been guiding our life. Ken Gire, speaks to this mystery; the Lord is King, but for all the clouds, we cant see the far reaches of His rule. The foundations of His throne are righteousness and justice, but darkness obscures our understanding  of how a sovereign God  could tolerate all the injustice that is rampant through the earth. We may never reach the summit of understanding where suddenly everything is clear. For some cliffs are unscalable; some crevasses unbridgeable. And we may find ourselves stranded beneath an overhang, unable to climb any higher. But, even if we do reach the summit, only patches of the surrounding panorama may be visible because of the clouds. We must bend our knee to God as our sovereign Lord.  Would we be so arrogant to believe that God should be completely explainable and comprehensible to mere men? As I sat there a sense of excitement began to build as I thought about the care God  had put into our future and what was in store for our family, And the shame and the abandoment and loneliness somehow seemed small. I began to look at my  circumstances through the eyes of Gods promises, which I will be doing a post next week explaining, instead of looking at Gods promises through the eyes of my circumstances .I may be experiencing one thing, but Gods promises say another.  A British evangelist said, the world has yet to see what God will do with and for and through and in and by the man who is fully and wholly consecrated to HIm. He said a man. He didnt say a rich man, a great man, a learned man, nor a wise man, nor an eloquent man,   but simply a man. I am a man, and it lies with the man himself whether he will or will not make that entire and full consecration. I will try my utmost to be that man. I surrender to that promise, I step out from my limitations and my own desires and into Gods vast eternal plan for my life, whatever it is He has for me. That something "new'.The issue is not how much you have of God, but how much God has of us.

I am not in a blogging mood.

It has been a rainy depressing day, one of those days when you want to lay on the couch and eat junk and not move. Even though you know you need to do something you really just cant get motivated. It's the first week of the summer vacation and we are facing yet another delima. Do we stay in North Carolina or do we go back south. Kenny has yet to find work of any substance to support a family of our size. And we have, basically, ran out of options. About all we have left is to move in with my Dad. I don't mean that how it sounds, but we are settled, the kids love the school, we love our house and God I wanna shoot my myself every time I think about moving!! Dad lives in central Florida,  and I do sooo miss the coast, I am a Florida girl by birth, but I have had such healing in the hollows of these mountains, as have the kids.  It is such a tiring and draining way to live not knowing where you will live from month to month, you can't plan or look to the future or even simple things like planting flowers, which, I love to do, you can't , because at any moment we may have to leave. It is just a horrible way to live. People have suggested Kenny getting re-trained, or going back to school, but we are almost 50 years old and we still feel, even through all the loss and devastation, God has a destiny for our lives and to begin another path seems futile, but then I look at our kids and I think our obligation is also to them and also to my own sanity. But here I go again, and of course Kenny, had to tell, me, I am sticking out my tongue out at him!!! And putting my hands over my ears and humming!!!  "Be sure not to repeat yourself, or use the same phrases",  blah blah BLAH,  I know what is right and true, I have been taught those principles my entire life, but applying them daily and not getting discouraged is another story, it is very difficult to stay encouraged when day after day and week after week you see nothing change, you actually see things get worse. Kenny and I were walking the lake and talking about our year and a half apart, and how difficult it was, but how necessary and how, now looking back, we saw God's hand in every one of our lives working through things that needed to be fixed or accomplished, so I  think we could  go on to the next stage in our families life. It seems clarification only comes AFTER A JOURNEY BEGINS. But what a scary place to be. As we were going through each one of us and how God has done remarkable things in all our lives, I will only talk about me, for sake of time.  As we were talking, if you knew me before 2007, even my most intimate friends, I was a very loyal, trusting, faithful friend. If you get into my heart, you are there for life. I love very deeply.  But I was a very private, distant, for lack of a better word, person. That was actually a complaint of many of my friends, that I never shared enough of myself with them. Conversation was always about the other person. Growing up in a home with domestic violence you always turned the conversation away from yourself. You never want to bring attention to your home, even though I have my own home now, it was a learned behavior that you don't just magically wake up one day and its gone. Unless you have grown up in home like that you would never understand the dynamics behind this. So I had immersed myself in the things Kenny was involved with and with my kids, which I found great joy in. I also had my home, that I served people in, which was my absolute delight. But, there again, the entire evening was about our guest. So I arrive in North Carolina completely separate from Kenny, my own person, I had ran our home, which is a full time job, but I couldn't tell you what a tank of gas cost. Or I had not written a check in YEARS, I had a debit card and whatever I needed, would be transferred from our business to my card I was not responsible for paying any of the monthly bills. . What I am saying is my set of responsibilities shifted in a way that has forced total exposure on me and forced me to step up and use the skills that I had in me the whole time, I just had no need for them. I would have never imagined, in a generation of aeons, I would have been writing a blog about my day to day life. I probably would have called you a liar. Well today, my stats rolled over to 3000. I was in shock. Is this what these mountains have been for. The quiet moments, to reflect, to show Gods faithfulness, to be a witness of Who He is, because I certainly have been weak through this whole process. Has God laid this plan out for the woman who lost her husband and has raised 2 boys and been faithful to God, and yet she is 60 and she has nothing the world would consider of value,  possibly one on drugs, the other unemployed, lonely and questioning what has her life meant?  I am sure of almost nothing and, sometimes, I feel as if I am utterly lost and wandering without any form of meaning in my life, but whether this "truth-telling" has hit it's high point and is now over or whether it is just beginning to help a few of many yet to come, all I can say is what if all the great pains and stressors and tragedies of life are what gives life meaning.  What I realized is that all the grand memories I have were memories of moments, which at the time they happened, were borderline traumatic. I see so many people who sit in churches and have lost any feeling of purpose or meaning.  How is it that we find meaning?  What is meaning?  It may be simpler than it seems, but it may also be much more complex.  It has to do with the most sacred faith that we have.  We all have a core set of things we believe in and those things determine all the rest of how we see life.  If we have become convinced that the value of life is in prestige, then we will refocus our children's lives on the best of education, on the best of clothes, on the best of communities, and that is, exactly what we have done.  When we grow older and realize, like the largest percentage of us will, that we have not only fallen short, but we have absolutely failed.  What then?  However, if God really does value human beings more than all other of His creation, to the extent He would become directly involved in our experience, then we All have been given a great gift to give.  Our sorrows give us the value which binds us to fellow humans, it makes us able to understand their hurt, to hold them dear in our hearts, even to the point we will sacrifice ourselves for them.  We aren't all Lost, we aren't all abandoned, we aren't all forsakened, we Are All being given the experience which will define us!  God is not lost, and neither are We!

Man Of Science Sent As An Angel

I got a call that Isabella's medicine was ready and it reminded me of a very fearful time in my life. We just could not pay for our medical insurance anymore and it had put a dark cloud over me that I could not get away from. I was still of the mentality that my source came from Capital Health Plan and Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts, not Who 3 years later, I have come to realize, is much bigger than all that, God. A resentment and a small seed of bitterness had been planted in my heart that I don't think I even recognized, yet at moments of distress it would display itself. And let me tell  you, as a Mom when your child is sick and you have no means to get them medical care, you can get pretty ugly and you want to find someone or something to blame. Being self employed, we were responsible for our own insurance, with the cost of insurance going up our monthly premium had gone up to almost $1500.00 a month, so when it came to the necessities or our insurance, the necessities were the obvious choice. Isabella was born with a acid reflux, but because I nursed her it did not show up until she was well over 14 months, shortly after I stopped nursing her. The moment I stopped she developed severe breathing problems that none of our local Doctors were able figure out the source of. We were in the emergency room sometimes 2 times a week.  She was probably around 2 years old at the time. As a last resort we made an appointment with an allergist, which made no sense to me, she had no allergy symptoms, she just had horrible bouts of difficulty breathing, with a cough that was the oddest cough I had ever heard. I would sit up with her and then she would get so bad, I would finally take her to the emergency room. At this point she had been living on cough syrup and steroids and, yet, with little relief. The first meeting with Dr. Rand Malone, was so emotional I broke down  and wept. I felt such relief to have an answer to what was wrong with her. It took him less than 5 minutes to diagnose Bella. He said she had acid reflux. I said, "What a stomach problem!?!" He said, "Yes, the acid is leaving her stomach and coming up her esophagus and going into her lungs and her lungs are producing phlegm to protect the lining from damage". The body was actually doing what it was suppose to do. When I was nursing her my milk was a perfect balance and once I introduced foods it was a downward spiral. We finally had our answer. So he put her on medication and within weeks she was better, but her system had been altered and she was on 5 different medications and they were not cheap. And we saw him weekly for  blood pressure checks and weight checks and monthly for blood panel results.  He said she was born without the flap that kept the stomach closed but once she was older we could consider surgery.  Actually he had the same surgery. But all this was very expensive. So the moment when I knew we no longer had medical insurance I went into an absolute panic attack.  Seems like I have alot of those! I thought, "God what am I gonna do". Bella was a very, very sick little girl, when she didn't have her medication. From the time our insurance lapsed we had seen Dr Malone a couple times and had some blood work done, and I had received a bill for around  $600.00. Not only the expense of the medications and the doctors but she also needed a very strict diet, that required alot of time and effort and money, and alot of times, I felt as though I was facing this battle alone. There were many times Kenny was facing  issues about the business or the church and I was dealing with Bella's illness by myself. And once again, I could feel bitterness and all those questions in my mind and heart, God why, why did our medical insurance get canceled? God you knew Bella would have these problems, you knew we needed insurance, why can't Kenny fix this? God give me an answer, give me somewhere I can go to get help, God, just  heal her. And everytime I got a bill from Dr Malone's office, and I had to go in and face the staff, which at this point, it hadn't even caught up (that is, the system had not placed us as being far behind) I felt even more resentment, I felt a little more distant from Kenny and alone. Finally the third month I got the bill I thought God I am going into talk to him. I had awakened the night before and thought, "What if she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs medical treatment and I have no way of getting it for her". I was so mad and bitter, I laid there awake, I don't think I slept more than an hour, I got up and went to the couch, I didn't even want to be in the same bed with Kenny, I know it sound horrible, but I said I would be honest and that is what happened. I thought of all the thousands we had given to the church or to the men working with us and I couldn't even give my own child healthcare. I felt like he had failed me. I felt all alone. I felt like we protected and put everyone before ourselves and our family and now here I was, at three in the morning not able to lay next to my own husband, whom I loved, and I was ashamed of the rage I felt in my own my heart. Finally 7:00 came I got the boys up and got them off to school, dropped Bella off at school, and I went to see Dr Malone. I pulled up and at the same time Dr Malone pulls in next to me. Of all the times to pull in next to the good doctor, today was not the time. Of course I was in a $60,000.00 vehicle fixing to tell him I was broke and not able to pay him $600.00. He greeted me and we walked in together. I sat across from him and we made small talk. Finally I said, "Dr Malone, I am here to tell you I owe you a debt I cannot pay". He got still and I kinda got scared and nervous, so I began explaining what had happened in our business and what we had been going through and I said, "Dr Malone, I am so sorry but I cant pay you the $600.00 I owe. Maybe someday, but I don't know when". He got up and left the room.......I thought ok, maybe I really offended him. He came back in with a box full of the meds Bella and Jesse Cole were taking. Probably 2 years worth. Just the inhalers alone were 110.00 a piece. there were at least 25. He said, "Mrs. Dyer, first of all, my grandfather and my father both were Doctors and I don't think I have ever heard of anyone ever coming in to tell them face to face they could not pay a debt, and I want to say 'thank you'. That touches me deeply. And secondly, God has richly blessed me in my life and  you don't have to worry about that debt. It is taken care of. I have already spoken to the billing department. And thirdly, if ever, and I mean ever, you should need medical care, even if you need to go to the emergency room, you tell them to call me and I will meet you there and Isabella will get the care she needs, and that goes for any of your children. God has sent me to you today to bless you". Can you imagine a Dr. telling a patient that kind of thing? I sat there so overwhelmed, I could not speak, I could NOT move, I was stunned! I just stood and he put the box of meds in my hand and I walked to my truck and I cried so hard I thought I would throw up. I felt so ashamed for my behavior from the night before, I sat there staring at the medicine in awe of the magnitude and faithfulness of God and how weak and small I was, yet how much He loved me,  how He had managed all the minute details of our life I just could not see them.  EVERY detail, a doctor I had met 4 years ago, had been used today to display the faithfulness of God, not the faithfulness of Capital Health Plan or Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts or even Kenny, but someone, He chose to use, to show His faithfulness. It was me who mistrusted, it was never a matter of His faithfulness, it was always a matter of my (war-torn as it might have been) small and weak disbelief. Even to this day, Isabella, nor any one of my children, have never ever gone without medication when they have needed it, that has been 4 yrs ago.

Wounded Angels

The first time I laid eyes on this friend I thought she was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. She has  dark black hair, dark eyes and beautiful skin. She is just a beautiful girl, and she is equally beautifully on the inside, she was raised in a Christian home, in Christian school and a strict home alot like mine. So we had alot in common. We have maintained a friendship for over 20 yrs. She even went to Southeastern Bible College the University Kenny and I met at. Her and her husband are wonderful people who have devoted their lives to the ministry. Not the grand and flashy, but the kind that takes years to see the results from. If you are not familiar with the Assemblies of God, which is what I was raised, it is the domination I have chosen to attach myself to, I feel it is not perfect, but it the most Biblically sound and I feel it is were I want my children brought up. The Assemblies has a missions program called sidewalk Sunday school which is a program that brings sunday school to under privileged children. Instead of busing children into the local church, they bring the church to the childrens community. It is sad but alot of the church folk did not want to  be "subjected" to these types of children so this was an alternative. Most of these children don't even know who their fathers are so they certainly don't know the proper way to act in a church! Bless the hearts of the grandparents, so many of them are being reared by them and not the parents. So what we would do is on Friday evening we would visit the child in his or her home give them their hand out with their scripture on it and make a connection with them and their family. Now understand, we would go in twos because we would be in the very worse parts of town, the drug and prostitute infested parts of town, it was not a pretty sight. But those were some of the most welcoming homes I have ever been in. Those grandparents were gracious and kind and their homes were clean and neat and we always felt appreciated there. Some were not so clean, and some children broke your heart, no shoes, or shirts and mattress with no sheets, no furniture and parents drunk at 4 in the afternoon. But the child of that drunk parent would wait anxiously  for us so they could get their scripture and study for Sunday school the next day. It meant the world to those kids. And it also changed me, it made me a better person. And then the next morning see them at Sunday School which is a truck that is converted into a sound system that we would teach sunday school from. These kids were precious. I can remember Emma just 6 or 7 and she and the little girls were so taken with each others hair, they would spend the entire time fixing and doing each other hair. Kids fit in anywhere you put them, if adult STAY out of their way. Well my beautiful friend and her husband this is the ministry she and her husband had devoted their life to. They had even at their own expense, they both had day jobs, started a church for the older teens and the adults of these children. Well it seemed they just could not  matter what they did get ahead financially. She was a tither, she was a giver and she was one of the most unselfish people I have ever met, I just didn't understand it. The church she attended was one of those that preached week by week the message, we don't buy into this recession, we don't sell our things below market value, we are the chosen ones, we are above that mentality, I don't accept this. She would call me crying and say how week by week she would sit and hear these statements and it was killing her spirit little by little, she would  pray and say God how do I get the faith that my Pastor has, what is wrong with me, I pray and pray, God increase my faith. And I thought as he was making those statements form the pulpit, the majority of the people sitting in  church are the weak and broken and what is the point of statements like, people sitting in those pews losing there homes, good people, people saved by the same grace he is saved by, still losing their homes, still unemployed, it just pokes at an open wound. If that is your circumstance, that is a wonderful things, but lets not boast, at the expense of others. I really had no answer for her, at the time we were still in tact financially, but I thought myself, God I don't understand, the ones who are ministering to the ones who can give nothing, seems to be the ones who struggle the most. But they kept on doing what they felt God had called them to do, that was 20 years ago, and just last summer they married a young couple that had been in Sidewalk sunday that had made a commitment to finish school and stay pure get married and that couple is going into the ministry. So how do you measure success? They lost their home, their vehicles, and they are in a rental house. But thank God that young couple did not lose their faith. This blog so drains me and takes such a toll on me emotionally sometimes I think I just cant do it anymore, but then I talk to someone like my sweet friend and I hang up and I have encouraged her and I thank God, as long as my life is helping someone, even at the expense of a little emotional hurt to myself I will keep doing it. So God, as long as I can do my best to be open and honest to share my life I will continue.

Finally The Meeting We Had, for Months, Been Hoping For

Kenny was finally here and I could breathe a sigh of relief. It has got to be an odd thing to have a woman show up with 4 kids and not have a husband, but claim to have a husband in another state who is a pastor, and even odder, to be doing a weekly television program. And how do you explain our situation in a casual setting, something as complex as what we were going through. I just did the best I could. But I knew it was going to be  hard to process. Growing up in the south and in my home, my Father was very strict about the behavior of how men and women interact. And I am very careful how I conduct myself, even today, around men. You always address the woman and you always befriend the woman, not the man, it is just not proper any other way. So I befriended the women, however, the younger ones (I should say middle aged ones) had issues with me, for what ever reasons, so I joined the older group, which always seems to welcome and become my dearest friends. I think this age looks beyonds the outward and finds the true person and allows a true friendship to happen. So to validate, or prove myself, I was faithful to everything. I let the leadership know that I was a fellow minister's wife who had been in the ministry for most of my adult life and I was at their service. Me and the kids lived almost 45 minutes from the church, and we would brave wind, rain and snow to be in church. It was a great sacrifice, that is in "time", because there was nothing greater in our life than our time in church, but there were times we had just enough gas to get to church and home and no more. I was determined when we came to North Carolina the first thing on the agenda was to find a church. I knew this would be the lifeline me and the kids would need to survive what we would have to face. And we had found a home. The kids loved the Wednesday night program and I loved the class I had found. The only thing missing was Kenny.We would leave church Sunday and call Kenny and tell him all about the service and we were so excite when he was, finally, about to be here. So many things were yet to come together and we felt this was the time and the place. So Kenny sold the last of our things and was finally able to make the long awaited journey here. I cannot tell you how it felt, after all those months of taking the kids to church by myself, to finally have Kenny here and us to be in church as a family.I would sit in church so broken it felt like my chest would explode from the pain. It was like I was mourning a death, but no one had died. I would see families together and I felt like I was being punished, like I had failed God somehow. I felt like I was completely and emotionally wiped out as a woman. I had been the mother and the father for over a year and it had just wore me down, I had faced things that year I never, in a million years, would have imagined. God had been faithful, just when I felt like I couldn't go one more day, He showed up and gave me just enough strength to get through that day. Kenny was finally here, but I didn't know the disappointments we were yet to face.  The church we were attending was lively and vibrant, and it was one of those type churches which had
many, many programs for everyone.  We have known many leaders of churches, many religious leaders, yet I can tell you there are so few who do not have a long line of problems and issues, most of which the congregation will never see.  This does not mean these men are, necessarily, hypocritical or charlatans, it just simply means they are like all the rest of us, they need help.  Some were very bright, some were very simple, and some were simple, but were certain they were bright, but through and through they all wanted you to believe them to be something far greater than they were.  There have only been a very few who were men and women who just accepted and loved everyone and they knew and they never believed they were above,
nor never displayed to anyone the idea they were above, anyone.  The modern leader is, usually, of the sort who believe they are a "special" breed, they are making their way up, they are, in some way, superior to even the laity of their church.  When you find those remarkable individuals who have never accepted that form of personality, they are always the most noble!  They never forget the grace they first received from God, the kindness He showed in accepting the meagre and fool-hearty man or woman who were His creation, yet who lived with great evil in their lives, they could not, and, indeed, should not, ever forget that kind of compassion.  They are the most civil, most forgiving, most noble, most kind, most humble, and most remarkable people you will ever meet, but they, also, are the most uncommon.  We had been excited because the pastor of this church was extraordinary in many, many ways and he had forged a growing and unique church in the mountains.  It is always thrilling to see these kinds of churches and we felt that we were on the verge of leaving these bad times behind and, finally, moving forward again.  The pastor was a very sensitive man to spiritual things, which is also a very, unfortunately, unique characteristic in pastors.  He had, as a matter of truth, spoken to us on many occasions through his honest and sensitive sermons, and on one occasion, had spoken directly to us, from the pulpit, a word which was so very timely to us.  We knew we needed to speak to churches about our hard time and we also knew our message was going to be about "grace".  Let me say something, in case you might be from outside of a conventional church, about "grace".  When the people from churches talk about grace what they are referring to is a very uniquely Christian idea.  It has to do with the very core of God's Nature.  Grace is more than just a kindness, it is more than just God showing us favor, it has to do with who we are.  It, also, has to do with Who God is.  There is such a huge and unimaginable gulf between God and humanity.  Just in creation alone it is visible that God, by shear power and intellect, is something, or someone, Who is far beyond our capacity to understand, but there is something more, He is not only in power and brilliance far beyond us, He is in Honor and Nobility, unlike anything we can imagine or mentally understand.  He should never touch nor mingle with us for all of those reasons.  What He says, however, is that anything He does for, or with, us is a matter of nothing we have done, nor could do, to deserve such kindness, it is an act coming from Him.  Now, how that should translate in our lives is that we should never, if we understand anything about "grace", imagine that we are good enough, honorable enough, or noble enough, to stand in good favor toward God.  I hope I haven't confused the issue rather than defined it, however, if you have known church folk for very long you know most of them conduct themselves as if they have deserved every single kindness God has shown them, how ridiculous!!  Back to my point, as Kenny was arriving we were sure this was the time and the moment for us to be resurrected from this death sentence, therefore, Kenny and I decided to visit the pastor and tell him everything.  He had built a respected and honorable relationship with many, many pastors throughout the region. We were sure this was going to lead to opportunities to begin to start over, or maybe to begin what we knew was our destiny.  The meeting was scheduled and as it started Kenny felt a connection with the pastor.  It seemed to be exactly what we had expected, but suddenly things changed.  Kenny was not sure if the pastor had believed he was not telling the entire truth, if he has said something offensive, or if he had just not been very clear, however by the time the meeting was coming to a close the pastor was beginning to use, what we call in the church lingo, "coined" phrases, the kind of things you tell teenagers who you know are trying to find themselves, a feeling that was confirmed when three to four weeks later the pastor used the exact same phrases from the pulpit in speaking to people who were just getting into church circles or just beginning to understand who God is, they certainly were not the types of things you say to a peer or a person who you know to have been a long-standing leader in the same circles.  It was devastating.  We were not certain what had happened.  We knew what we would have done had we known someone who had been in our shoes, as a matter of fact, we had a very similar situation happen when we were leaders in the little church in Tallahassee.  A young couple had come home from overseas after a, almost, five year stint in South Africa.  They were on a humanitarian trip, yet they had been devastated by many robberies, many betrayals, many misgivings.  When we met, it was with the hopes of  them coming to serve in the church in Tallahassee, but as we got to know them, even though they would have been fantastic leaders, we knew they were destined to return to South Africa.  We spent months making sure we helped them find their bearings and carry on their noble vocation.  They did, indeed, do exactly that.  We were certain we were going to find a friendship and a key piece of our future.  We knew it would take time, there would have to be some time spent getting to know us, some time to fill in a few blanks, but it was sure that all that would happen.  I assure you, it did not.  We were a much a blight to this new leadership as we had been to the leadership we had known in West Florida.  It was staggering!  We never got a text, never got phone call, never got a letter.  We did, almost a month later, get a small check from the church, for which we were so thankful, but money was the least of what we needed or what we hoped for.  It certainly helped us for the moment, but, as most of us know who have been in remote dessert places, what people need is hope, connection, a listening ear, more so, a listening heart, this was left off the table.  These are the times when you are unable to make sense of things.  What did this mean?  What was the point?  We always built our lives on a foundational principle, or I guess I should say two principles, try to Love God first and foremost, which I confess we have failed at, and to try and love people in the same way we loved ourselves, which I confess, again, we have failed at, however, it is not very hard to attempt this.  We always tried to imagine what people were feeling, what their life was like, what their pain was like, and then do something, even a small thing, to connect with and bear under that pain.  We knew this was what we would, eventually, find, especially from people who were those unique and extraordinary types, who you seldom find, those who have known grace and those who live in grace towards others.  We would not find it!  I am sure much of it had to do with our imagining what was suppose to happen next, our trying to figure out what was meant to happen, and "how", it might, also, have been the accumulated time of hardship, none-the-less, it was no less painful.  We had started this journey alone, and it seemed, we were destined to always be alone.  What it may well have been was another of those untidy issues no-one wishes to talk about when it comes to our "church" communities.  We have lots of "stuff" in the churches of America now.  We have what we have called "the best".  We have sound systems, so that we can really appreciate the fantastic voices of our talented church singers, we have softball fields and baseball fields, we have video and audio technicians, just in case we decide to publish our wonderful productions, which, surely, if the world could only see they would flock to our houses of worship and, thereby, see God, what we struggle with is "time", "time" to look for the eyes of the people around us who are crushed and weary, "time" to drop our choir practice to make sure that 19 year old, unmarried, pregnant girl, can have an afternoon, not of counseling, but of companionship, "time" to have coffee with the 79 year old woman who has lost her soul-mate and is, privately, undone.  I don't know everything our modern church needs, but I know what it seldom has, genuine, heartfelt, and unrelenting compassion.  We have mimicked compassion by making sure we have many programs, but compassion can never, ever, ever be mimicked.  People aren't looking for leaders they are looking for what I would call "searchers", people who search out broken spirits, not to help guide them, but to help hold them!!