Coming back from financial and spiritual devastation, follow me as I share my story as a women with candid and transparent writing.
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Monday, June 27, 2011
She Is Broke Yet Again
Diving home from church yesterday the bronco started making a odd sound, so we pulled over and Kenny checked all the fluids and the pressure, it wasn't running hot so we made it home and we called Dad. So we got him on the phone, put the phone to the motor, and as our history would play out, the motor is gone. Let me just say, the motor is less than a year old. So now we have had 3 motors blow up in that bronco. What are the odds of that! I think their might be a lesson here. What do you think? I guess it's better to laugh than cry. As I have said in previous posts I get so attached to things for sentimental reasons, and this Bronco is one of those things, me and the kids bonded and pulled together and became a unit in that old truck. She means far more than just a means of transportation to me. I had looked for months and then when I found it, Kenny had sent me money and I gave the kid a down payment and made payments. Faithfully week by week he had sent me money until she was mine! I LOVED IT!! I would go by in my Moms car and look at it and dream of the day I would ride these mountain roads with the top off and the sound of that 351 and the freedom of that big truck. At the time it had a Jimmy Johnson in it. There were times we spoke of, out of necessity, selling it, and the kids faces would drop, and they would say, "No, we can't, never, ever, we have to always keep the Bronco". It has represented a new start, a rebirth for our family. Now, she sits out front with the hood lifted. I know it sounds stupid, but my heart breaks. I know every inch of that truck, every imperfection, every scratch, every noise, but also every memory, I don't think, myself, I could part with it, even for another new truck. If you have never been without a vehicle it is impossible to understand how a vehicle can control your life, but it is so true. You are completely at the mercy of someone else if you have no way to go. If you are teetering on the edge even a 40.00 auto repair can seem like a monumental feat, that is, if you are living week to week. Thank God we are blessed to have my Dad. Alot of people don't even have that. Dad has been a key component in all this, he has put everything together on the Bronco, so he will be the one to pull out the motor send it back and put the new one in We are dealing with such high level stressers, sometimes I don't know, outside of the grace of God how Kenny and I have survived. I have since the young age of 18 and , to this day, at 45 years old, loved Kenny, and been devoted to only him, but outside of love their are times I feel my mental capacity teetering on instability. I fear at times, there will be a moment I don't return. When the stressers in my body makes me immobile, I feel as though I am in a dream I cant get out. I know as a man, all Kenny has lost and all he has seen me lose as a women, he has got to feel the same demons inside. You both in your own quite moment questions each others motives, because you both are scared and afraid, but neither one really wants to verbally say it out loud, somehow it makes it real. So you just kinda avoid saying anything. Stress is an awful, awful thing. It would be one thing to face these issues if it were the two of us, but to load us the children once again, and assure them, trust me, I am making the right decision for us, Dad and Mom are doing what we know is best, when, I don't know that this, is what is best. But I do know, we have done our best to bend our knee to God and teach them that our source is not our talents or our abilities but the grace of God in our life. When we do make a decision, even if it is wrong, God will still honor us, because, loves us and he takes care of those he loves. So its not about what we've done, or what we will do, its about Him and Who He is, that is were our future lies , that is were my mental stability lies, that is were mine and Kenny relationship will be its fullest, that is were there safe haven is. That is Who they put their trust in. We could have a brand new house 3 new cars a boat parked in a boat slip, a vacation house in the mountains and our kids know nothing about having faith in God and see our relationship deteriorate and destroy any hope of them having marriages that last. So as we sit them down tonight we will tell them, yes we are moving, yet again, but we are moving together, we will never be apart again, they will be safe, we love them, we are a family, and God over sees our life. And hope is attached to the promises of God because every promise takes you beyond your own minuscule resources to the infinite resources of God. That is why our inadequacies become the qualifications for experiencing His sufficiency's. I love what Paul said. "Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God" (2 Cor 3:5)