Coming back from financial and spiritual devastation, follow me as I share my story as a women with candid and transparent writing.
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Wednesday, February 8, 2012
God You Saw This Coming, And I Want To Honor You In This Walk.
That statement hit me like a ton of bricks, God nothing catches you off guard, you are All Knowing, All Sovereign, You are God. So if nothing "takes" YOU by surprise and my life is not just spinning in the universe with no rhythm or rhyme, I chose this day, as I walk this journey, to honor You. To honor the mission you have called me to do. I think we all say we believe in God, and God controls everything, and He is sovereign, but, I think the real question is, what kind of God do we - do I- believe in? God put man on earth, from the beginning of time, a free-will creature, man chose to disobey God. Many of the things we blame on God in our lives, should be blamed on man's disobedience. I hear people say everyday on facebook, "I have lost faith in God", I want to say "I don't think so," I think the thing to consider is, have we lived in such a way that God has lost faith in us? We say God is sovereign and all knowing when our lives are full of blessing and flowing with money, and the journey is easy, yet let a bump come and either God has abandoned us, or He has brought wrath "upon our heads". How do I bring honor to Him when I have plenty or when I have none? I know in my own life, honor is a word I have tried to stay true to. I think back to the moment I decided to stay true to the person I am, Angela Marie, the one who likes to dress up everyday, regardless of whether I am staying home or going to an appointment. Something I received ridicule most of my life for, but I have honored, stayed true to who I am. I might have an appointment with a city official or with a state agency, you will get the same Angie, every time, dressed exactly the same way! No pretense, no putting on, no dressing one way for one appointment and different for another. My mantra is never leave the house unless you look like you're going somewhere! That is me, who I am. That was me when I had plenty, and that is me when I have little. I remember the night it hit me how bad things had really gotten, it had gotten to be such a burden to count out change daily to pay for the children's lunches, and a dear friend, the social worker I had met at the children's school, said Angie, you really need to get the kids on school lunches, at least for the rest of the year. I was heart broke to even consider such a thing. For one, to burden my country, which I love, and to think of possibly one of my children being humiliated made me feel physically sick. She made me swear, well, I promised, that I would go in the next day to sign the children up. As I drove home, taking in the majesty of the mountains, the crispness of the air, dreading the next morning, on this particular day Bella had speech and Cole had tutoring so it was just Wyatt and I, and as we were driving, my then almost 12 year old son, who is soooo far beyond his years, staring out the window said, "Mom, this is a great country, isn't it?", I said, yes, Son it is, he said, " a kid's Dad can lose his job and our country will buy that kid his lunch". As the tears began to build in my eyes, I could hardly focus on the road, I could barely speak, I composed my speech and said, "Yes son, it is, yes son it is". As I went to my closet that night, like I always do, to pick out my clothes for the next day, I decided on my linen pants and lil sun top, I was feeling so pretty!! As I laid them out, my knees went weak, what am I thinking, this is not a lunch date with girlfriends, I am applying for free lunches for my children. The anger began to build, my throat tightened, why didn't Kenny fight harder, save our life, save our business. I have no home, no vehicle, I have had a car since I was 15, I have nothing. My husband is 600 miles from me, I am all alone, I will face this all alone. God you have to fix this, resolve this in me. As I laid down, pulled my knees to my chested, I prayed for God to open the earth and swallow me, things had just gotten to bad. Well, the next morning I get there, the lady I was suppose to meet was out sick. So I get seated in none other than the supervisor's office. So I lay our Corporate tax returns from last year on her desk ~~~ and I begin... I tell her my story! I tell her I certainly don't "look" like I need help, but, ....about that time tears running down her face she gets up and comes and sits knee to knee. Looking me in the eye, she says, "you will never have to worry about your children as long as they are in my school district." Once again one of those moments shug, when the snot began to run down my face! Integrity, honor, truth, to this day, the lunch staff at the children's school are some of my dearest friends. even with all my beautiful things, and they certainly know my children receive free lunches. looong way to get to that point, but, as I have walked through this long and difficult journey there were times when I have questioned God myself, but, God knew exactly what was coming and He had equipped me to handle every situation I would face, if I was willing to be true to who He had made me and to keep integrity in my actions at all time. Let me tell you, people see thru fakes and frauds real fast, and I have always extended myself to people and let it be known that God guides our life, so they are looking, always looking for that fault. It was a good thing they couldn't see my heart, at that point it had alot of healing to do. But, God, and His infinite mercy, reached in and began to soften and use all these situations to minister to other women, and as I have reached out to others, I found my own selfishness and self pity began to diminish, and I saw the beauty of Gods hand in every situation we have gone thru over the past 3 years. So yes, God did see this coming, and I pray I have honored Him, I know I have done my best.