Follow by Email

Thursday, May 26, 2011

27 yrs of the purest love , The determined love, The shaken Love,The peaceful,

When I gave myself, I gave myself without reservation, I think the way God intended it to be. My father and I had a very unique relationship in that he had led a very hard  life.  Because of this he was overly protective.  He had instilled in me, at an early age (as well as Mother and my Granny) to save myself for my husband,  so when I found the one I would pledge my life to I was lucky not to carry with me all the damage and scars that so often go along with giving yourself casually to so many.  Let's not forget, I left my Father's home and went to  mine and Kenny's at the very old age of 18!! As I was titling this post I spoke of  "the purest love"  this is what I meant, love that had never been spoiled ,  no past pains, seen through eyes of purity, no malice, giving of oneself without reservation, and completely. And this came to be a beautiful and wonderful time in our 27 yrs, but it also made for a very high standard for when  that first hurt pierced that innocent heart. I am not saying, nor implying, that I am perfect, that is not what  this is about, I am talking about rising above what we feel and standing on what we believe and basing our lives on principle. When two people come together they come from very different places and, alot of times, what they value is based on those  two very diverse places. Something my Father was very good at was gift giving and remembering Anniversaries and B'Days. So this was my standard for which I based my premise on. What I had seen him do for my Mother. I was working at the bank and I was a young bride and as the day went on,  as I watched every delivery, every package, just knowing one was for me from Kenny, well to my disappointment and heartbreak, nothing came. I left hurt and angry, how could he forget, it is Valentines day, the day  for lovers, HOW could he forget. But at Kenny's house they  celebrated B'Days with a cake and that was it. He never saw his Dad bring his Mom flowers or give her cards, or, in general, ever recognize anything special in anyone's life. But I was wounded. The question was what was I gonna do with that hurt. That was  a very  light hearted story and I was younge, and I will not take the liberty to share intimate things we have gone through, but you get the jest of how love takes on different forms at different times in our lives...This is where the determined love comes in. Once that  pure love had experienced hurt, it became a whole different beast. It could go one of two ways. It could retaliate, or it could show love even though it had been wounded and it was hard to show at that moment.   The Bible speaks of this kind of love. A very dear friend of ours from college, James Vernon, gave us  a framed calligraphy of first Corinthians 13, as a wedding gift,  and it speaks of this kind of love, what so struck me was the analogy that Paul (Paul was a brilliant Jewish Rabbi or teacher who wrote much of the New Testament) used that if I  had enough faith (that means a deep trust in God's power) so that I could move a mountain, and trust me, as I look out at these mountains that would be a  vey impressive thing, but didn't have love, in the greek it says, "nothing am I if I don't have love", I just love that! The Determined love, goes back to ~ I will not live my life moment by moment minute by minute or I will end my life with nothing of value. I will live my life based on the committed love, the purest love, the determined love, the love I pledged my life to, May 26, 1984, even  when I have been wounded and even when I have been treated unfairly. How often we are hurt or treated unkindly by the people we have given our hearts to? He went on to say that  if out of my mouth I sound like an angel, yet in my heart you find no love, I sound like clanging instruments. So the outside can look pretty and sound pretty but the heart can be very dark. Kenny and I meet couples all the time, when after we leave, we  sense deep wounds that have festered and turned into bitterness. I have a beautiful, genuine, classy, loves deeply, gives herself completely, friend who, right now, as I was consoling her, has issues that have turned to deep anger and resentment ones that should be silly and childlike, that is, if they had not allowed the hurt to make them serious and wounding. We must not let these things take on a life of their own. We must, the moment we hear ourselves say, "Well  you hurt me so I will hurt you" stop and make a monumental decision, to forgive. Without forgiveness, our relationships have no hope. Love does not keep a record. Love forgives easily~The Shaken Love. Kenny wrote me a line that said, "I couldn't be more fortunate, God saw all my pitiable weaknesses  and He sent me a woman of such extraordinary heart to be able to love me through all of them". I say that because I  have also felt that same kind of weakness when he has had to be strong  I got pregnant 4 times in the first three years of our marriage and lost all four. My love for Kenny wasn't shaken, my love for myself was shaken, so at my weakest moment, when I felt I had nothing to offer, Kenny loved me though I was pushing him away. It was an anger I even held toward God for not being able to have a baby. It was a dark and shaky time for our mariage. I felt as though he would better off without me, if he could not have children with me. There were many moments of sadness when I would pray,  "I dont want to wake up tomorrow". Those moments, for a woman, are the moments you have no words to pray you just hope God can interpret your tears. The "Peaceful"?  Well, a baby girl was born and hope for our future. There is something about hope, no matter what your circumstances, your finances, the times you have been pushed under,  none of it matters if you have hope. And Emma Alexandra brought that to our life. That is why we dubbed her the "resurrection" child, because we where dead in spirit, and her being born in me brought life back to us, back to our life, back to our future......Paul said  we see through a mirror now but one day we will see clearly, and when we do we wont see in part but in full, and all will remain faith, hope and love  these three but the greast of these three is love..............

No comments:

Post a Comment

Your comments are welcomed!