KENNY, STOP!! The Unprepared Photo!!!!

Again, let me reiterate this is my site and this is how I've seen things and how I have perceived them to be. I know it is soooo true as women, but even as I have seen leadership in religious centers (which are supposed to be a spiritual and unique entity) instead of finding what direction is right for that people, at that moment, they find a model and start this quest to build their group just like the other one. So, often, by the time you attain the cookie cutter effect that "other" groups has either changed or moved on to something else. I feel a real stirring in my own personal being to be open and honest about some things today. It seems everything in our lives is somehow staged. I am new at this blogging world so I went to the Internet and started looking. Wow did I feel small and "unfluffy"! I  don't even know if that's a word, but it best describes, the best way, how I was feeling as I was browsing. They were mostly nice, neat, either, little homeschooling Moms or very knowledgeable Bible Women; background music, roses climbing up the sides, links to this thing and that thing, free book offers, oh, too much to even remember. So I narrowed my search to "family in financial crisis", "women in crisis", "homeless families" and boy did a million sites come up about refinancing and loans and foreclosures,  blah, blah, blah.  Nothing really addressing being authentic or displaying  the day to day realities families face living on the edge. And  unless you have been living under a rock there are thousands of families living week to week not having enough to eat with the threat of losing there home, or not being able to pay there utilities, or counting out change to buy gas. I think there is secrecy and shame involved with having to live not knowing how you will survive until the next day, because we have all gone around portraying a life that does not exist behind closed doors.  I am sure it  does exist, but I was not able to find a blog of the nature of mine. Well, back to the blogs I did scroll through, as I looked through them, my confidence growing smaller and smaller, redoing my page over and over in my head, thinking my site (I still feel way to old to call it a blog) will never survive. At one point in my life I had horrible anxiety , about having to stand in line and have people stand behind me, or being in church and having people sit behind me, it all caused me great fear. It was a phobia about people having to look at me. I didn't understand it and there was alot of shame with it, so I didn't tell anyone for years. When I did tell Kenny we came to understand it is called body dysmorphia (of course another psychiatrist term). I was put on medication and, within a few years, my anxiety and fear leveled out and I was able to rationalize and know these feeling where not logical, but the medication allowed me to do that. I don't know that, outside of a divine healing, I could have "talked" myself through it.  We get so good at hiding who we really are, and what our fears are, I think we lose sight of what our gifting and talents are. When you are constantly hiding and covering up you use so much energy, you have none left to put into the things that make us unique, and things that would develop naturally, and flow easily, if left without interference. I am naturally drawn to people, people of all classes, all ages, all genders, but my problem so crippled me I could not do what God had created me to do. I think the beauty in true friendship, and I have very few true friends, is that friends are people who have very diverse talents, and spend their energy drawing from all those talents and giftings without being jealous or envious. So, as I was looking through these sites, these successful sites, I thought back to when I  decorated our 6th Ave house, it was unique to "me". I didn't copy, I didn't buy furniture in sets, and I didn't care if it wasn't matchie-matchie, I decorated to suit my style, to suit my family and make my guest feel welcome and comfortable and at the end of the day I was completely happy with what I had done. My house was a reflection of me and my family.  So often we try to wrap people up in the same type of  package; to look a certain way, talk a certain way , act a certain way, when really that is of no concern of ours, our responsibility is to show them authenticity and let God reveal himself to them, and as He does, these things take care of themselves. So back to my blog, I guess ignorance is bliss, I am so grateful my focus has been on content not on layout, or all the "fluff", all that stuff is fine, but I just don't feel that is my calling, I don't feel that is my uniqueness, so I will continue in the manner that I have started. Those were not my STRENGTHS. The greatest casualty of the endless pursuit  of covering up who you really are is the loss of connection with other people. In our present financial crisis in our great nation, there is a shame that goes along with not having the money to pay your light bill, or have enough groceries, or counting out change for gas. The sadness in that is, if you really thought of it rationally and not with your shame and emotions, you would know there are millions in the same boat, just they too are behind closed doors, barely hanging onto the life they have known. When will we began to open our lives to each other?  As my son said, "Mom what a great country, a country that would buy a kids lunch when his Dad lost his job". No shame, no secrecy, just a fact, this is life.  Is a mans life over when he loses his job, is a women's life over when she has lost her beauty and she is not what society considers attractive. Maybe if we have based our lives on the premise that who we are is dependent on what we do, what we make, what we look like, where we live, not who we serve, how we raise our kids, how we share our lives with others. When we don't let people see our true selves we sacrifice connection, and without connection we struggle for purpose and meaning.             "Mommie you look mean!" I said, "I am going to get mean because your Dad is sooo dead! It just a miracle my mouth is not open and my hand is not giving him and unfriendly gesture. My husband is the worst "Picture Taker" in world history.  He pays no attention, looks away during the shot, doesn't care about color or scheme, and, then says, "O, it looks great!" So here it is.....One of his infamous shots, and I might say, a little too "real" for my comfort, but that is what this particular blog is all about....honesty!

After Virginia, God the Maestro

I made a fast and furious friend the moment I sat in the chair across from her at the middle school, she was on the phone, writing with one hand, and on the computer with the other and communicating with me with her eyes!! Talk about multi tasking!! She does it! Instantly you sense a genuine love for what she does. A sincere and strong and fighter's spirit, but also a weariness from the heartbreak she has had to witness daily. We have become so calloused and judgmental about people on social services, just yesterday on fb people told what they would and wouldn't do,  I sat there and thought, how unqualified I felt myself, even after navigating 2yrs through the system, to even place a comment or opinion. There was a proposal in Florida which would take social services from people who tested positive for drugs. It is a thorny issue and one which sounds so correct when you first hear it, however, I know now it is not quite so clear.  None-the-less, most of the people I have met at the Department of Social Services (that is the people who are applying) are generational welfare adults, who witnessed there own parents with substance abuse, now having children of their own, if we just cut there "funds" as everyone so readily suggested, we also cut the funding to those children in that home, they will be punished also, they will have no hope, there life is dark and sad as it is and it will be one more burden to bear not having enough food to eat. It is true, the drugs need to be addressed, the alcohol, the prescription pills, the meth, and all the rest, but it has to be done in a civil and cautious way. I had the privilege of hearing  Dr. Condeleeza Rice she said, (not speaking about social services, but about America in general)  Yes there are abuses and, no, we are not perfect in America, but if we can save that "one", that is the "spirit" of America. I was that one, in Mobile Alabama. (what she was referring to was her eventually obtaining grants and scholarships and pursuing her education), but isn't that also the spirit of God? Extend grace to be given grace. As I sat there listening to this women I had just met I knew I was going to like her!. We spoke in half sentences, we would jump in, we wasted no time getting to know one another, there was no judgement, she showed me no pity, just true compassion and she connected with me and shared she was going through a divorce herself and was struggling to keep her home. I have also seen the other side of the coin when it comes to Social workers being berating and degrading and making you feel small and less than human. But so often we only hear about the bad and never the good. Well my friend immediately, funny I would call her my "friend "so soon,  got on the phone and started resourcing for me and did not take no for an answer until we got what I needed. And to this day, I still have those connections. I have a circle of 3 friends that if I need anything, ANYTHING I just call. The children's school has become a place of valuable resources, as well, to our family, I don't think there is anything, if I truly asked, they wouldn't do for us. We meet a teacher right now and she drives the kids into school to save on gas, and we still have some nice clothes from the better years, which I give her for her kids and for her, none-the-less, not many people would go out of their way to help anyone, everything is some form of inconvenience.. But so many people are ready and willing and able to go out of there way to cast a judgement or give there opinion on what you should have done differently or what you should be doing now. I asked my friend how she holds up under the burden of seeing such sadness and hardship, she is a social worker in the public schools so your imagination can fill you in, she said, "You just help the one in front of you and then just go to the next one." I think about today as I have my coffee and think about the Virgina job and how I was emotionally flattened I was, so I say "God help me to see today, the people, things, the moments I need to take in and not let them pass me by." I see so clearly now the importance of this blog, if only for myself, it is as though our life, though difficult and hard and "makes no sense at the moment, not until you are looking back", it is like a concert (which we attended for Wyatt's band at school recently), every instrument has been put in its place and the right piece of music on its stand and once it starts to play it like "Ahhhh, I hear it now". All these people, all these things, this house, the kids' school, Wyatt's group of friends ( Wyatt was diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome this yr), these mountains, that Bronco, and freedom she has represented to me, too many things to name. How will I pay the insurance for the Bronco, or the gas, or the lights, the entire nation is looking for work, those things are paid today, so today, I will enjoy the music God  has written for me and my family in these remote mountains, because when I close my eyes, I will lose today forever, and, trust me, tomorrow will come and I will have the chance to face it all again. Today I am grateful God is my Maestro.

The Job That Should have Been

We were down south when we got the call that a job opening in Roanoke, Virginia was going to be available very quickly. Well my heart lea pt, because of my love for country, and Virgina is full of National history and I had considered returning to school to study American history. I have always had an interest in politics and had I not chosen ministry, I would have probably chosen politics. Which, politics, if chosen for the right reasons, is about serving.  That's a whole nother blog! And the University of Virginia sounded like the perfect place. This sounded like the perfect job, one of those we have it the bag kind of things. Fail proof, oh don't worry  it's all certain, we will get the job, the kids were doing the happy dance, we were making plans, we just knew it was a sure thing. Kenny had a friend who had moved up in a national supply company and he eventually became one of three vice-presidents.  He had
known Kenny to be very knowledgeable about the products they sold, because it was the material he used for over fifteen years in the area of construction he sub-contracted. As we made our way home  warning flags began to surround this "perfect" fail proof situation. It was the kind of job which could really turn things around for us.  It paid an extremely good salary, had a company car, cell, and lap-top .  Kenny call the regional manager and he scheduled to met him and his attitude was as though he was meeting him for coffee. It was a unique and new job, one which Kenny had all the qualifications for and it was going to be extremely difficult to find a person with all the necessary qualities, and the corporate office was in an uproar that the position had yet to be filled.  He showed no real concern for the situation, or, at least, that is the way it came across. No urgency in his demeanor at all.  Things already were not settling well with Kenny, the regional guy scheduled a meeting over three weeks into the future, not right away, he, also, was very unprofessional in his arrangements, not common for a man in such a high position in a company.  It was all a bit foreboding,  but when you find yourself in such a desperate way, you get so hyper sensitive that you began to mistrust your own abilities to see things clearly. And through this, I am ashamed to say, I had also begun to question Kenny, and I started to feel like he was already beginning to be negative toward the situation, when in fact he was sensing a problem, just another one of the emotions that comes out of living through a highly stressful period. You just don't come through it un-scathed or unchanged. Even your relationships change, for the bad and seldom for the good. It is up to you to take the best out of both and make those relationships better.  Kenny and I have come to better places because of what we have lived through, but there were many, many times that the good had a long wait before it would conquer the bad.  But, this mistrust of Kenny's intuition created a very tense situation. My hopes were VERY high. No-one who has ever been in these strenuous and profoundly despairing times knows that the expectations become more powerful, when in fact they are just more desperate, this makes the disappointment that much greater. I had gotten to a point were I just didn't expect anything good to happen, and that is NO better. Medical Insurance, company car, phone it would get us back on track. But the interesting thing about that statement, even as I say it, is that I am not really qualified to say what would or would not get us back on track. We lived our life as best we knew how, applying God's principles to our life and honoring Him as best we could and somehow we still found ourselves here. So I find I don't make that statement much anymore. I go back to that simple prayer I committed to God, God I honor Your name, Your will be done in me, and supply my need TODAY, (but I am a slow learner). I recall a situation, very early in our married life, when we had no credit, we had asked someone to co-sign for us a ford fiesta, well they said "no", and we were crushed. We were living in Georgia and I came down to visit my Dad and my cousin Brian said, "Angie, I have an old Jeep, but it doesn't have a top and you probably wont like it. But we can take a look", well when I saw that 1984 red wrangler and he said here's the keys just make the payments, I thought OMG, I could be driving that Ford Fiesta!!! We made that payment faithfully, before anything else, because he had entrusted me with his credit, I felt indebted and grateful to him. I have a special love for him to this day for helping me in that way.  As I pulled up in that bright red Jeep Wrangler Kenny almost fell over, it was awesome!! I couldn't have picked a more suited vehicle for me than that Jeep! Emma  spoke recently of that  Jeep and was laughing about laying on the floor by the heater because all it had was a bikini top, a "bikini" top! There are those memories we were talking about earlier! So I am very skeptical now, about forcing God's hand at anything. Even when I am in my intimate moments with Him, I pray, "God you have our best interest at heart, God you take us were we need to go, You develop in us what needs to be developed in us. Beyond that, we have made God some
sort of servant to us rather than the reverse, that does strike me as odd. Should the Creator ever be subject
to His creation?  What we are all missing is a sense of purpose and usefulness.  When people feel their lives are serving a true purpose they refuse to become too deeply immersed in the dregs of despair, and one thing I know is that being aware of God's calling and His direction, with a certainty, gives you a grand sense of Purpose.
P.S. About six weeks ago we got the call,  Kenny we really need a guy like you, you've ran a business, you know the products, your suggestion were right on point, WOW man YOU would be a great asset!  Bla bla bla  but...... we just don't feel like you have enough sales experience. COME ON!!!!    Here we go again.

The Cost Of Memories

Well Kenny and I sat for a few moments and gathered our thoughts and put together somewhat of an outline so we can get back on track with the story and began working backward, or none of this will make any sense. As I looked through those pictures and all those memories, memories I had blocked, because, like I had spoken in an earlier post, I think our body goes into a protective mode that only allows us to receive what we can handle at that the moment without your mind going so far you don't return. I think that can be true of bad  memories, but also of good ones as well. I think you can grieve the good times, the good things you have lost, and you really must guard yourself from living in a time warp, in a sense a mindset where you never really move on, but you NEVER want to forget those memories. They make up where you came from and who you are today. They also  make up who your children are, these trials don't define who we are, memories do, time spent together, the boys stepping up and protecting me because Kenny wasn't here, us pulling together and ripping up carpet, painting and making an unlivable house a home, Emma buying groceries and paying the kids fees at school, those are the things that define us, that define our family, the  things I don't ever want to forget. As America faces financial crisis and more and more families are  faced with the same issues we have just been through I hope I can be of some encouragement. That it is not easy, there are no easy answers, and  there are many nights of anger, I have to be honest and admit it and so will you, but if you put your energies and your "WHY IN THE HECK DIDN'T THIS THING PASS ME OVER!!!!", into an unfamiliar and rock hard kinda attitude, the kind that looks at the world through the eyes of a nine year old, eyes which don't see money, and $140.00 Nikes, and $800.00 game systems, nearly as clearly as they see Mom and Dad sitting and wathching them, hearing them laugh, smiling at their aweful knock-knock jokes, then you will find Hope. It is such an odd thing, the children never speak harshly, or bitter, when they speak of Tallahassee, or Kenny or our old business, or our old life and what they have lost. I guess it is we adults who could take some lessons from the kids. They just make fun, THEY JUST MAKE FUN where ever they are! Reminds me of a story when the boys were about maybe 6 and 3, I had layed down for a moment and they had emptied an entire case of Desanti bottled water down the hall and were butt naked running and sliding down our tongue-n-groove 1x6 wood floor hallway. The odd thing about memories is they seldom are seen looking back as they were as they happened. Kenny and I often talk about how the most cherished memories we have are the ones, which at the time they happened, were the most terrible and gut-wrenching. Memories of loss, yes they can be painful, but they bring much joy and pleasure after they are seasoned with a little time. We are "doers" in our age, it is what we have been born for, what we have been, rigoressly, trained for, however, could it be, that we have missed the "being" part of ourselves?  What if the most valued and sacred time we spent was every evening at the dinner table, or on the old backyard cushion just watching the lives of our children unfold, or helping an old man who is weak and poor and disoriented enjoy a dollar McDouble, while he hears the laughter of our little ones sitting about us.  We do not make our children the center of our world, first there is God, the best we know how, then there is Kenny and me, and, then, it is the children, but what they are, who they are, what they become, is not decided by their collection of things, but by their collection of "memories".  They will say,  "Mom tell the story of me and Wyatt sliding in the water."  They are either far wiser than we, or far simpler, yet, whatever it is, we need to learn from them!  With that said, there are some memories, that, I will assure you, there are no positive attachments, or lessons, I feel I can take from, maybe someday I will see them!

Protected My Heart While Overlooking Emmas

I am looking at a 20 X 40 black and white photo of Isabella curled up on her tummy black hair against a white slip covered sofa that just arrived from Shabby Chic 1 month earlier. I mention the sofa because I had hoped there would be no more lil ones! And it was washable! At least that is how I convinced Kenny into ordering it. Really, he couldn't have care less, he leaves that stuff up to me, smart man!! If you look closely you will she has two black eyes, it was not an easy delivery. What utter shock I was in when Dr John Ness told me I was pregnant with her. I had hoped for our 18th wedding anniversary a vintage Jeep, maybe a 79 Bronco (got it 7 years later under a bit different conditions!). but a baby!! Come on Kenny Dyer, what a dirty trick! It seemed we conceived her on our 18th wedding anniversary weekend. I called him because I am in tears and shock and he meets me for lunch. But, also, in the back of my mind, I knew the church we pastored would find the idea of us having another child almost repulsive or lack of good taste or poor judgement. I had been asked at least a dozen times, joking of course, when Kenny was going to "visit" the doctor?  Wyatt was  6, Coleman was 3. So we decide to hide it. So outwardly not spoken but on some unconscious level. Why? I do not know.  We didn't rely on the church for our livelihood or our necessities, and our bills didn't go to the secretary to get taken care of, our business covered our expenses , even our medical insurances we paid. They didn't treat us to dinners or send us on vacations, and we were just expected to never speak of any of it. We gave back more than we received, and the church was in very good financial standing with a good sum of money in the bank.  Why the embarrassment or shame, I don't know!  Our business would pay for this baby not them. I don't think it was a matter of finances, I think it was a matter of inconveniences. I think it was a matter of the "things", the carpet, the chairs, the tables, whatever, it might have been, their nice neat routine was of more value than, or so I felt, this baby I was carrying.  Emma kept Wyatt and Cole in the back room, so that they would not break or disturb anything or anyone, almost as if they did not exist. As soon as a service ended I would gather them, buckle them in, Kenny would visit, we would sit and wait.  We had many families come through, and many families leave, they would be frank with me and say they just did not feel like there kids were welcome. It was a stifled and stiff environment. There was no room or lead way for a child to be a child. With that said, I will say there was a wonderful woman my children fondly referred to as lil Pam. She had a heart after Gods when it comes to children, unfortunately she, at that time, was coming through a very difficult time in her life, a very, very awful divorce.  So my kids lost her. Also, a song leader named Pam who my children adored, she honored there B'days and Christmas and they loved her, including Emma. It pains me also because, at a very crucial time in Emma's life she was overlooked. It was an attitude, I think, that did the most damage to her spirit. Children are very intuitive, they read people very well, and they know when they are  wanted and when they are not. Kenny and I made it a policy to never speak ill, in front of the children, when it came to church business, because that is not the kind mental seed we want them to place in their minds when it comes to the greatest institution on earth, flawed as it may be.  She was a child and to breed bitterness in her would be a horrible character flaw on our part. But there was no need anyway, she knew. She has often spoke of writing a memoir of her perspective of what it is like to be a pastor's child, but in her case not the star child. If you are not church ed, most PK, that is a church term we use for preacher's kid,  are treated like royalty, honored on B-Day, paid special attention too, just treated like they are of importance not like an "alien" as Emma puts it. As we have faced these trials, Emma broke down, and it is very difficult for her to cry because she is very strong willed and determined child. I have seen her have teeth pulled, minor surgery, sprain a finger with no anesthetic and just suck it up. She is just a very proud, self determined "I will  make my own way" person. So as she sobbed, she said, "Mom you always told me unless I had a bended knee to God my life would never work out." She said, "That "place" she wouldn't even say the name,  for 7yrs, they treated Dad like crap, the best man I have ever known they treated me like I didn't exist, the boys like they were demons, other babies could have juice boxes, but not Bella, they threw a temper-tantrum when you had spent 4 days remodeling the office on your own time.  Dad has lost his business..................where has being on your knees got you? Where has being on his knees gotten him? At least if I am standing I can take the punch. I see so many of poor and shameless character, half the man as Dad, prosper, why mom tell me, why?" OK, now I am crying, even now again 3 yrs later, these pains still hurt. As I saw her broken and wounded, I didn't know what to say. I did not know she had felt the way she felt. I was blindsided. Once again, how had I missed it. I had guarded  my own heart from bitterness and had failed at protecting the one I would have laid my life down for. She was just a child and as I sat week by week, being fed the word of God and Him protecting me from becoming bitter,  she sat back in that nursery texting and talking to her friends, feeling more connected to them and more isolated from the church. Something about being in the presence of God, if you truly seek Him, your heart becomes soft and your strong will becomes weak, these issues at the church became small to me, but they were building in Emma.   Which brings me to another regret I have. We went to our board and wanted to bus the 2 young people we did have to a larger young group across town and out of pride our board said no, and I agreed, a decision, to this day, I regret. I should have stood up for Emma. She was my first responsibility NOT that board even if I had to drive her myself. She needed some positive influence in her life to help her with issues Kenny and were not able to connect with her on. She needed her peers, but in a positive light, a group of kids that would have helped her deal with adolescence in positive and constructive ways. I had 3 little ones and you just get overwhelmed. She had no affirmation when she was at church and certainly she got no positive influence at school. So I stand there looking at her like I am completely naked and stripped of everything and should take the blame for where she has been and what she has experienced.The healing would take on many forms of  attitudes, many relationships and many nights of tears and a long time to began to heal in both of us. I think God was teaching me that my allegiance was to Him not a institution or a group of people, I heard it said , There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. And that is how I feel about the church. It is the life line to the world, but it is not perfect. I would not want to attach myself to anything else, or teach my children any other way. It is the hope for their lives. It is the hope for our life, even now with all the loss and all the pain, He is our hope. How God chooses to show himself to Emma will be in His time and His way. And Emma will determine when  God does present Himself to her whether she will accept His invition or not. I pray and stand on the promise that I have instill in her that she will  accept  the healing and freedom that comes along with knowing Him, but I cant make that decision for her.  I know it is a very unique dynamic seeing the people you love hurt, seeing your Dad, your Mom, but we have to come to better places in our  own lives as we bcomes adults or we allow bitterness to overcome our  life or we are  no better than the ones we despise.We were not perfect parents,  Emma was not a  perfect child, but we are a family, and  I love the motto.......we begin and we end with family........

Let The Bitterness Begin And Hopefully Let It Go

Wyatt had been telling me for several weeks his knee had been hurting, and I had just brushed it off as being either growing pains or maybe something he had done at PE. Well, this particular day he came home and he was limping and it was hurting pretty bad.. Well panic didn't began to build it went straight to full blown anxiety. I had started these horrible bouts of anxiety the night I was awoken to find out Emma was arrested, (I will continue the rest of her story very soon). My intention is to spend tomorrow, making an outline so I can stay on track so all this makes coherent sense. So Emma's conclusion is coming, I promise!! But one thing, if any, I am good at is, I can be cool and collected under pressure. Not so good now, it seems, after going through these stressers. Somehow I think, like I said in an earier post, it has chemically altered my system., but until then, I still had a handle on things. I had worked around my Moms, sunned in the yard, and prepared a beautiful dinner, greeted the kids when they departed the bus.  After we cleaned up from dinner and did homework and I was sitting on the back porch looking out at the creek and the majestic mountains.  It was one of those very low moments in my life, and to add pain to injury Kenny would also wound me even more, out of his own fears and anxieties. As I sat weeping what the kids didn't know was I had called every Doctor in the book to try and get Wyatt and appointment and without insurance, and at that time we did not have the children on Medcaid, no one would see him without payment up front, and I knew there would be x-rays also. I felt so completely hopeless. Wyatt came and sat with me and I wiped my tears and looked away and started making small talk and he said, "Mom I had the coach look at my knee he is kinda like a Doctor, cus I know we don't have the money to go see a Doctor." I said , "Wyatt when did you do that?" He said, "A couple weeks ago." I know I have used this phrase now several times, but I just don't have a better one, I died a thousand deaths at that moment. He had been hurting for ALMOST a month. When he pulled his pants up it was  black & blue and swollen. I could not speak, if I could have mi micked a 2 year old child and crawled down to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest, hid my face, and bawled I would have done it. If  Kenny had been near I would have crawled in his arm and let the emotion drain until I could feel no more. I could not bear the pain in my heart, it was like bricks on my chest, it was like immense failure, it was like sadness, it was horrible desperation, I do not know how my physical body and the balance of how everything works could not get out of kilter after such high levels of emotions and anxiety. I know it was not life or death but it was an accumulation of the past year and half of my children needing the basics and me not being able to give it to them. As I wrapped his knee, assuring him we would see a doctor tomorrow I thought to myself God just let this evening end so I can call Kenny and in our private moments on the phone we can console each other. As Isabella drifted off to sleep I called Kenny and told him the story and said what are we going to do? Well lets just say, he died a thousand deaths as well, 500 miles away, but did so in the recesses of his heart.  He struck out at me and it crushed me. He said, "Angie" in a very firm not very sympathetic voice, "What do you want me to do?" Really, just masking his own breakdown, that was just on the verge of erupting. But I couldn't read that through the phone. All I could hear was an attack and no support. Did  he say, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Well, I will tell you one thing you can do, Kenny you can get your stuff ( not the word I used in my mind)together and get me my life back. Don't put me in these situations. Don't make me drive my Mother's car at 43 yrs of age. Don't make me face Wyatt hiding an injury because he knows we don't have the money.Why am I facing all this alone. All the ugly starting coming out. All the mud slinging.Why am I going to have to face the doctor with no insurance and money? What are "YOU" suppose to do about it? Are you kidding me? Little did I know that was a dark and desperate night for Kenny he had struck out in deep deep anguish and hurt before thinking and these things, these types of emotions are so much harder for men. Because they are our protectors, they are our buffers, and he was not here to take the brunt force of what I was facing. We were not coming together as a couple in a physical way, either, which can bring you to higher places without even speaking. The moments when you are weak and  you need the other one, it is these moments you connect on a level that words are just  not adequate enough. We had even lost that. God I have been stripped of everything. In Tallahassee lay a man feeling the same exact way. I feel the sadness even as I think about it now. But I did not know all that, all I knew was I felt abandoned by him. And instead of giving him the grace that God so often gives us, the grace I have spoken about, the grace upon grace that God gives us, my horns and daggers came out. I realized I had alot of questions and resentment toward Kenny that he and I would have to work through, God would have to work through me,  before this was over. We all deal with loss in different ways, death of a child, a parent, a home, even a life style choice for a child. I have had several friends who had children who have came out. One friend is from a Christian background and one is not. I think they both share a few common griefs in this process of coming to terms with this life, of this child that they carried, nurtured and wanted to have a full, complete life. Anything out of the normal or ordinary in or out of the church is going to be a very hard , difficult road for both of these boys. People, as a whole, are not kind hearted, they are cruel and unjust. The loss of natural grandchildren, something very important to a woman. The strain these kinds of issues put on the parents marriage can be huge on siblings as well as extended family members. My heart breaks for them and I sincerely pray for their sons and their families. The religious beliefs may separate these moms but the grieving is ALL the same. Just like my grieving for Wyatt, these moments bring us together and make us human.  Even my anger and hostility at Kenny, makes me who I am. How I address and handle those feelings will define who I become.

The Decision To Go Ahead Of Kenny

The man form Comcast arrived at the door I heard Wyatt get up and quickly join me, then get in front of me, and if you know Wyatt that is very much out of character for him. So, I stood and I heard him in a firm  voice say to the technician that he would take him to the boxes, not to worry his Mom with it. He had just turned 12. My heart sank and the tears filled my eyes and I knew that the children knew we had not hidden it as well as we had thought. At this point the Denali had been turned back in, but Kenny still had his truck and the boat and most of our other things. So I assumed they hadn't really noticed. How Wrong I was!. As I went to my room and curled up in a fetal position and cried out the familiar cry to God what are we going to do, You are our only hope, but somehow, by now, it was only words. But as I sit here I know the beauty of who God is, even though I may have been weak and doubted it, as  my cries went up He heard them and it caused Him great pain. When Kenny got home, I had such a nasty attitude. I thought privately, maybe if He had studied a little less and maybe put a little more into the business or maybe this or maybe that, just questioning everything as we all do, because now my heart was not broke  for me, but now it broke for Wyatt, for my kids. The real ugly was really fixin to show its head. As I made my way around the house knowing the Denali and the cable boxes were just the beginning, I knew we had to address this. So we thought me and the kids would come and live with my Mom for one school year and let everything either go back and shut down or pick up and get back on track. So we began to pray, and long story short, the Friday before the kids started school we headed for North Carolina. That Monday we registered the kids for school. I remember sitting in church that Sunday morning and seeing a couple thinking God I have served you my whole life and here I sit after 24 years of marriage and not by choice I am 500 miles away from my husband, why have you abandon me.  I felt so alone, I have had my own home for 24 years, my things are not with me, my life is in a mess. People greet me and ask me, "What brought you to North Carolina?" What the-heck am I suppose to say? A simpler life, relocating? Me and the kids drove home and for the first time in, I can't even remember-maybe never, we're driving home from church without Kenny. Then I hear from our pulpits the stupid sayings, "I wont participate in this recession!"  I hate all those stupid little whatever you call um, I hate to tell you it was not by choice, I'll tell you that. It is so strange how our new theology uses pithy little sayings to try and enthuse people rather than join in their suffering. I could have said it all day, and I don't think it would have changed anything. But, what a statement like that does is it crushes the individual's very soul, those that are going through difficult times, and they may have no control over the situation they are going through. They sit there week after week feeling like a failure and they began to question there faith and eventually God. WHAT We need to hear IS...something almost unfamiliar in modern church gatherings, yet something which is at the very heart of What and Who God is.  This theme flows through the Bible and is so central to understanding God, but it is left at the altar of "charisma".  What is it that God is looking for?  Does the Being Who created all that exists thrill Himself with our gain in Wisdom?  Is He longing for us to understand His brilliance?  Is He concerned with our acqusition of land and goods?  What often suprises people is what so touches God, deep inside, is something that He goes searching for throughout the human experience.  It is scattered throughout the text of the Judeo-Christian Scriptures, yet it goes somthing like this, "What is it God requires from you? It is a broken and a contrite spirit!"  What consumes God's attention is when He sees someone in the most wretched of conditions, it is there that He resides, perhaps because when we are broken we are as He was when His Son was broken by humanity, perhaps it is because when we are broken we lay aside our proud spirit and turn toward Him, hang our heads, and whisper His name, but what a marvelous idea-God is not searching for our goodness He is searching for our Broken-ness. Not the one who didn't participate in the recession,  but the one who was broken and reaches out to the  broken. The rumors begin, instead of support and love you get accusations and, almost, taunting.  "Kenny and Angie have divorced", all kinds of stuff, it really didn't matter, because when you are in these times you lose a measure of concern about the conjectures and judgements, none-the-less,  Emma and my Brother were ready to fight!  That we were divorcing was the leading, and frankly, the most reasonable, calculation.  Finally I ran  into someone who was a leader, of sorts,  in our church history, and, bluntly, he asked how we were and I  said,  "Me and Kenny are fine, just the  business is defunct, home in foreclosure, and me and the kids are in North Carolina, Kenny is still here wrapping things up."  Well he could not get out of chick-fil-A fast enough. It was funny because those rumors of divorce seemed to quiet after that. Those first few months were very difficult ones, being apart, adjusting to a new home, the kids in new schools, a new environment, lots of changes, but God had so many surprises in store for the kids in North Carolina that could have never been anticipated. I see that now, looking back, I see His divine hand in every step it took to get here. Another scripture in Vacation Bible school, I learned as a child, said God directs the path of the people He loves. It is so easy to testify to when your life is going along nice and smooth, but it a different testimony when things are dark and despairing, and you question the very principle of God's love for me? So much has happened in these mountains that has  been good. I have just enough time to share at least one of the ways God has smiled on us since we have been here. Actually Coleman has his 5th grade party today at 1:00! Coleman started 4th grade at Riverbend, us sensing from the previous 2 years he had been struggling in reading. Cole had an extraordinary memory, we would read a small children's book to him a couple of times and he would memorize it and fool us into thinking he was actually reading it. In Florida they had tried for 2 yrs to figure out what his learning issues were and just could not do it. He was too hard to read.  So by the 3rd month here in NC, Mrs. Ross, his new teacher came to me and said, " Mrs. Dyer, Jesse" which is what they call him, "is reading on a 2nd month second grade level. We have to do something now. We cannot wait for the IEP (IEP an evaluation and help system for children in NC) or the team to assemble it is imperative that we move now, so I am going to, with your permission, start tutoring Jesse TODAY! And I will speak to a teacher we have just gotten this year her is named Holly Cable."  Mrs. Holly, we came to know, was an expert in certain children disorders. I left her so burdened for Coleman. We had faced somewhat of a dilemma at the first of the year with Coleman about his hair. We were coming into a very different culture and Mrs Ross, out of concern for him, thought we should consider cutting his hair. We were new to the mountain community and she knew we were outsiders.  You see Coleman is the middle child and the only thing he truly owned was his long hair! Everything  in a family our size is either borrowed , handed down, used or passed around so his hair was unique to him.  So Kenny and I decided not to make him cut it. This would later turn out to be a profound decision.   Ms Holly  phoned  me and, after a few weeks of evaluation, said that Jesse was one of the brightest children she had ever tested, and she would, if we would agree, on her own time, tutor Jesse, Mon-Thur, 3-4 at no charge. Kenny still remembers the call from this wonderful and unique woman.  He was still in Tallahassee and when he answered the phone she introduced herself he was in shock.  She asked if it would be alright if she spent an hour a day with Jesse.  Kenny thanked her but said there was no way we could afford someone with her expertise, (we couldn't afford someone with the expertise of a goat farmer). What she said next will forever remain in the recesses of our minds, she said, "I will not accept money, I want to do this on my own time."  It was remarkable that she always called Cole her "angel" I am certain it was the other way around.  The will be much more to this story, however I will tell you that 1 1/2 years later he is reading at two grade levels ahead instead of two behind, and reading is his worst subject!