Full Of Knowledge Empty Heart

When I read one of my very dearest friends, whom I have known for a small amount of time, yet it feels like my whole life, was going on a Women's Retreat in a few weeks something in my soul just knew that I had to go. No matter what amount of doors closed in front of me, no matter what obstacles where placed in my way, I just knew I had to go. Well, if you read this hosh posh of my writing I call my life, you will know I haven't written in quite a while. But, as I sit to type out several cute lil sayings or quote scriptures we all can quote, I reflect back to the moment I took this burden on, that is, revealing one's life, inadequacies, failures, bad attitudes, triumphs and victories, it is a huge burden. I am reminded I made a commitment to be completely honest even at the expense of looking less than "pretty". In spite of that, I had come to a place where I just could not sit down and bear up under another mind bending drama because I was in a dark place. It was too taxing on my mind and body. We have been through things in the past 2 and half months that have, at times, made me physically sick. Times when I even questioned my sanity and abilities as a mother, a wife, a friend and, most importantly, a child of God. . Things that I have never doubted to this extent before in my life. It was as though I was functioning and going through the motions and getting things done, but my mortal body was an empty shell. It was shallow, bruised, hurt, bleeding, sick, frail, afraid, too many adjectives to describe how badly crushed my spirit had become. I could not even function in my relationship with Kenny, which has never happened on this kind of level. I had just, on an emotional level withdrawn from anything that required me to feel. My health had been decling and I just barely had the strenght to fall into bed at night. In the darkness of night I would have such a sense of failure and inadequacy's, because I just could not, not matter how hard I tried get a grip on my emotions. I say that to say this, as I sit here today, nothing has changed from 2 and half months ago, but, ME. God certainly has not changed or suddenly showed up, He was always there. When I saw my friend's post, I messaged her and said sign me up, I don't know how but I  will be there, which sounds ludicrous when  we are living moment to moment not knowing if we will have vehicles to drive, or money to pay our utilities, how on earth was I gonna go to a Women's Retreat! It sounded ridiculous! And even though I knew I was to go no bells and whistles went off and instantly lifted my mood leaving me a renewed woman. It was just a methodical day to day making plans to go. And day to day one disaster after another happen to prevent me from going. It was as though the universe had set its sights on keeping me in a dark pit, impotent to my family, foreign to my friends and above all isolated from God. Pain and hurts, or disappointments, tax your soul in such a way that every time something happens you shut  down a lil and then, before you realize, you have become completely detached. And this is so true of our relationship with God. As we face these things and we are hurt and torn and beaten we start out praising God for His kindness and just for who He is, but it doesn't take long to allow the media, or our "busy"ness, or our "I will take charge" attitude to enter our minds and, before we know it, there are days we don't even speak to Him. Of course we still know Him, and love Him, but the strength the tenacity to face difficult times gets weaker and weaker. I love the text that says when I am weak He is strong, but you have to invite Him to hold you up, He will never force Himself on you. He is always there waiting and longing for a whisper, "God I need you". As the days passed over these past fews months and my health declined and our already stripped and naked life just seemed to fall further into the chasm of chaos,  little by little I felt a hardening of my heart. Ever so secretly that no one would know, yet I still  was an encourager, still attended church, still sang all the songs, but in my soul there was absolutely nothing, it was void. Kenny knew, it had taken a great toll on him, as well as our relationship, and this deeply saddens me. And I guess, truth be said, I didn't want to let go of the anger,  because I knew if I ever really acknowledged how empty and far from Him I felt I would have to come to terms with the hurts I had faced. One particular hurt was so great, concerning one of my children, I felt as though every time I took a breath someone had punched me in the stomach, my head pounded so bad I could see it pulse in my temples. The hurt in my heart had literally consumed my body. It had made me physically sick. And on top of that I felt like mentally I was going mad. I would get into the shower and sit on the floor and wept so hard I would at times make myself sick. I could not deal with the hurt I was feeling. That is without the daily touch from the One who keeps our hearts soft and assures us that He holds that child's destiny in His hands. As his Mom I just hurt so deeply for him, I couldn't hear God speak, I couldn't even hear God's whispers anymore, well, I had just closed my ears to them.  I had hit bottom. Sometimes it takes desperation to make us surrender. I think brokenness makes us love on a level that is supernatural. So when I arrived at this conference, I looked like I had it all together, chatting and joking, yet I had an agenda, God I have to find you, or I am going to die a death of a broken heart. It didn't matter about the food, the temperature of the building, how lumpy the bed was or how I really didn't care for one of the speakers, none of that  mattered, because I had came to get something and I was not leaving until I got it. I could have been the only one there and it would not have mattered. I was broken and desperate, dreams and gifts God had given me as a little girl I couldn't bring them to mind, hope for the future was a dismal and dreadful thought. As I sat in those meetings it was apparent that God had orchestrated that entire weekend for me. Down to every minuet detail. Details noone but He could have know, He touched my mind and brought back to my memory the dreams and the calling He had on my life, and it was as though a fog had been lifted from my mind and I saw clearly again. Every detail, every moment, nothing was vague or abstracted or distant or unclear, it ALL became clear. Things I had not thought of since my childhood, was brought to mind, and my soul was revitalized, invigorated, restored, fortified and I was rejuvenated! God had met me, just one small whisper was all I had the strength to get out, God I need You, I need Your touch, and in a moment He was there.

Isabellas New Friend And Teen Mom

I went to two open houses this week and might I say it was not like any I had been to before. Oh sure the academics were the same, the hand outs, the this is what we expect, were going to have a great year! All the normal hoora hoora you typically hear, but these were different in the sense that, you really knew there was going to be no parent involvement, no sense of ownership of the school, no value for  the school or for what the students were doing. As Coleman and I walked around that very large middle school with so few parents, maybe 100 out of 2000 were there, I could feel a sense of poverty and hopelessness, a feeling of abandonment and a sense that there are children that live day to day with parents who didnt even know if they went to school that day, if they had breakfast, or if they had fears about starting middle school. As Cole stuck close to me for his security and reassurance I thought to myself God in 15 years how will these kids as adults interact? They have had no security, no sense of stability, most of their parents are out of work, most dont know both parents and without building your life on a foundation outside this world that is basiscally a financial and ecological mess it breeds an anger and bitterness that will destroy the human spirit. Cole has a boy right now that if he takes his medicine, he sleeps all day, if he doesn't, he is angry and throw his books. He has been in 6 foster homes, he is 11. The stats for his school is almost 90% receives free lunches. The income level is  what they call the working poor. Which breeds very desperate and alot times dangerous kids. The draw to things and acceptance will make you do things you never imaged possible. Especially when you are wanting to be accepted. Poverty is a horrible, horrible thing, it never leaves you, you take it with you to Mcdonalds, to the grocery store, to your kids school, any where you go, people know, you cant escape it, you cant hide it. The car you get out of  tells the truth, your clothes tell the truth, your shoes tell the truth , even the glasses the state gives to medicaid children tell the truth, they are all the same, so everyone knows who the poor kids are, no Guess or cute ones, once again poverty shines, you just cant escape it. It is a spirit that gets inside that childs soul that whispers that somehow because they have less, they are  worth less as a human being, even there demeir or posture reflects how they feel as a individual being. It is so easy to read their body language. Even Isabella with her body issues and also being the new student, bounced in bubbly and chatty into a new environment, because her soul, her spirit, is of value, has worth, it is not based on her Dad having a job or where we live or what we drive, we have taught her, to value God, her worth comes from who He is, He holds her future, He holds our families future not our circumstances. So as I found myself in dilemma of how do you mix light with dark? Not that these children are dark, but let me explain, Bella came home just talking my ear off about a new friend and her favorite show was Teen Mom. Well my ears perked up and as she chatted on, her little friends favorite show is Teen Mom, her 16 year old sister has a baby and all she wants to do is have a baby and be on teen Mom. 8 years old! So Bella says, dont worry Mom you have to be 18 to have a baby! My heart broke, as she continued she told me this little girl also wanted a lunch box for Christmas, if she won the lottery she wouldnt spend any of it, she would save it for bills, it was heartbreaking. So back to my dilemma. Isabella has never even seen teen Mom so I asked her what she said, she said Mom, I said you have to be married to have a baby and the baby has to be bored in a church! These kids still have speech problems and they're talking about babies, it's not the way it was meant to be. So I spoke to the teacher and she said she would sit with them at lunch and at least cool some of this adult talk for a while. As I went to pick  Bella up I saw that little girl walking home all by herself, and Bella was just in shock that she was alone, how will she know where to go, what if someone gets her, what if her Mom isn't home, what if she gets thirsty? The list went on and on. Issues too complicated for me to even to try and explain, I just tried my best to get her distracted. My concern is this, family just doesn't exist anymore, not traditional family that is, kids will have as many as 9 adults in and out of their lives by the time they are are 18. And statistics say that one of those wont even be a biological parent. When people hear we have a 21 year old the first thing they ask is, do your children have the same father? Emma says  her friends think we are from another planet to even consider that a couple would not "live" together first, kinda like a trial run before they get married. But, without a bases of God help direct our lives because we in  of ourselves cannot navigate it ourselves, look around it is obvious we cannot manage it. Even the non religious folks are aware that whatever we are doing is not working. They just wont bring themselves to bend their knee to the one who can truely help.The hurt I see through the friends of my children breaks my heart. My first instinct as a Mama is to pull them out and never let them leave the house. But, as I wrote early on, I have felt since a little girl that I had a special draw to people that society felt had no value. So as I spent my private time in prayer I made a decision to not just throw my children to the wind but to let them be a light in place where it very dark. I will use wisdom and be cautious, my very first obligation is the safety and emotional health of my own children. And let just say they are more than happy and well adjusted kids. With that said, there certainly wont be any sleep overs at these children's houses, or social gatherings, but I will invite them into our home, offer to drive them to church with our family, befriend the Mom, start talking to Isabella and Cole about social issue that as they grow up they will have to face. Because as they grow into adulthood these children as adults will carry alot of baggage unless they allow God to heal the wounds they suffered as children. Bitterness can be a very difficult thing to overcome. I heard a little boy ask his mother, in a hostile angry voice with murder in his eyes, why wasnt I born to a rich Dad? He had duck tape keeping his tennis shoes  together on the end. So we as a family, them as individuals will  extend compassion, extend our faith, extend the faith our family believes, extend the faith that has sustain our family through this very difficult time and maybe through them one child can find hope, can find a future that is meant for good not pain and uncertainty.
 

Navigating A New System, God Bless America

This has been one of those weeks I would like to forget. And I guess if I had to sit with a therapist and tell them what made it so bad one particular incident in and of itself was not so bad but, you when you add 100 of those things together  it becomes monumental. MONEY, what a dirty ugly word, yes, it does make the world go around, but it also makes good people bad, pretty people ugly, ugly people pretty, and let me tell you it would make alot of good peoples' lives alot easier. Just a little bit would make such a hugh difference in a families life that is living week to week, and one slip up could mean their very demise. What a mind boggling thing to think, what abject fear, fear that is, if you don't live your life with the assurance that God oversees the lives of His people. And even with that knowledge, knowledge I have had my entire life, I still battle fear and doubt. We are just weak by nature. I knew the "list" was coming, which is a list the kids get from their school for all the supplies they need for the year. When you times that times three it can cost well over 100.00. My kids backpack had been in great shape at the start of last school year. They were expensive name brands and  were going on 4 school yrs old, but just this past year I knew we would have to get new ones. Wyatt, also, had grown so much his looked like a baby backpack on a grown man. So as I laid in bed at night crying out to God that ole' feeling of anger and blame and bad attitudes begin to build. I found myself almost unable to pray. Have you ever been in a place were you just could'nt pray? The only time I have difficulty is when I allow anger or that attitude of "why me" to creep in. Well, this week has been full of those attitudes and questions. And not only for myself but also for the people I love. My Emma, who has  ripped out my heart at times, who also has my heart, has had a very troubling week and 2 of my very dear friends have had difficult weeks also. I came to Florida with the misconception that getting the children's insurances and our benefits from the state would'nt  be as emotionally draining as it has been, because anytime you have to accept gifts or hand outs form anyone or any institution it is an emotionally taxing thing. If you are a person of character and a person who likes to do your part be a contributor not a taker. I dont view our government as a pie in sky unlimitless entity, we the people are our government, and it hurts me when I have to accept monies from her. I view our nation as more than big government I view it as something I love, as ownership, I feel vested in my country, and it pains me to tax it with the burden of my family. Well what I failed to realize was the shear volume of Florida compared to North Carolina. When I went in to see someone about getting our benefits changed over, I had quite the shock. In North Carolina you go into an office you sit with someone, their office is personal and they have their own phone line, a coffee pot, pictures of their family, and they remain your contact until you or something changes.. Even a month later I got calls from my contact in North Carolina making sure we were settled. I get to the Department of Children and Families in Florida and it is a big room lined with computers. I sit and imput our information and the receptionist says  someone will call me for my phone interview to expedite my benefits.. So I wait and I wait and I wait. Well I have done this enough to know there are deadlines, and the only number I have is a number that the mailbox that is full, so I write 2 letters and continue calling 10 times a day hoping she will clean out her mail box or luck up and she answer her phone. No such luck, we missed the deadline! When I got the letter, obviously,we had missed the deadline, my knees felt weak and I felt completely helpless and so small in such a large system. I needed someone to see face to face. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was physically sick. You dont just call and say oops we missed this can you put me back in the system. I knew outside of a miracle we were in for a long, hard road. The children started school in less than a week, we had no medical insurance, the kids had several medications that would expire soon  and we had very little funds left for food. So as I sat down at my table in what many would say is a dilapidated trailer, my own son out of hurt and loss for leaving family and friends in North Carolina had referred to it as dilapidated and beyond repair, I found myself once again at the mercy of God. God you will have to move the hearts of men, and if you don't you will have to make another way. I got up, not completely convinced, but at least mobile and went about making dinner. I got my phone to send Emma a text and saw that I had a voicemail. It was Rite-aid in North Carolina, and for some reason, one which I am sure was the hand of God, every one of our prescriptions had been filled and paid for the very last of the month. We weren't  even in North Carolina that last day of the month! So I stood there in shock and yes, once again, shame! I called Emma and she picked them up and mailed them to me and at least bought me another month to try and navigate this monster I found myself in. It also renewed my spirit and I drove to where I had filled out all the paperwork and I asked to speak to the receptionist in private. She said there is no need for that I am just a receptionist, we dont need to speak in private, I don't know anything about anything. I said well do you know enough to tell someone behind that door that I am not leaving this premises until someone comes out and gives me an interview. You will have to call the police to get me to leave, I AM NOT leaving, I don't know what else to do, I am desperate and my children will be hungry. So if you can't tell them I will wait til the close of the day and when they pass me to leave I will tell them myself. Well, she could not get out of her seat fast enough, and I got my interview that day on the spot in the waiting room. And I thanked them and told them how much I appreciated them and how grateful my family was to the state of Florida and this great country for once again affording my family insurance and food. How often we criticize and point out the bad  over all the great things as citizens we are given. I had my benefits within 7 days. But the benefits are really not the jest of this post, I think  what I am learning, as I live day by day this life I certainly didn't envision myself  living, not at 45 anyway, is not letting everything around me get such a grip on my me that it literally cripples me. Truth be said as I look back, God has always been faithful and things have always somehow worked out. And we will always face things that will knock you down, can make you foul, make you a hater, make you wanna blame someone,  or it can make you realize that you really never had control over these things anyway, and God untimely guides our lives!  The American spirit has said, "We can do anything we set our minds to and anything we set out to do!"  While I applaud the recognition of the creative spirit in mankind, the idea that we can control our lives and our destinies is a little fraudulent.  The successful people you meet like to tell you about their determination, their mental powers, their drive, but they never are willing to recall the hundreds of uncontrolled parts of their lives which are responsible for them being where they are.  It just all goes back to our weaknesses of wanting to be seen as much more than we really are, our self-centeredness, our egos!  Gratitude and respect, or compassion, for all of humankind is the most essential of human qualities and we can all have that no matter how good or bad our lives.  Sometimes God allows us a measure of pain to remember that, and that, certainly, is a Good Thing!

My Sweet Sweet Drew

I had a knock at the door and  standing in front of me was a fellow with dark glasses shorts and tall black boots and a key chain wallet attached to his belt, he said, looking at the ground, no greeting, no hello, just, "I am Drew, Ms Betty's son, you go lay down and don't you worry about a thing, I will sit right here for as long as you need me to." You see I had been up for four days straight too afraid to sleep, I had a neighbor who had been cooking and dealing meth, basically, in my house. We shared a house that had 2 units in it, so we were in very close quarters. Kenny, my husband, was still in Florida and was several months out from coming to the Western mountains of North Carolina. What many people don't know is that there is an epidemic of meth use in the remote hills of this beautiful country setting. The kids and I had found this wonderful house, actually an old barn converted into rental units, and we worked hours on end to make it a home, however, the couple in the small front rental was a strange sight.  They were the kind of people who you always see on the fringe, they were down-trodden, sad in spirit, and you could tell they were oppressed by life, but we had no idea what was really going on in the late hours of the night.  What we did know was that from around one in the morning until around four in the morning there was a horrible stench from their eternal fire-building and they had a flow of traffic, at these odd hours, in and out of their apartment. By shear accident a local, young cable installer had gone into the basement and came back up to our apartment in absolute fear! He went on to tell me he thought there was a meth cook on the property, and I immediately knew it was not Me! The police had to follow protocol so I had about 2 weeks that  I was left on my own, before they could make an arrest. So that is what brought Andrew Larry Swift into my life. From the moment I meet Drew I knew he was different, he didn't quite fit in, he would never make eye contact, and was always slow to speak, but when he told you something I always felt somehow I could count on it. I went up stairs and called Kenny and told him, I really like Ms. Betty's son, I had a special feeling about him, he was different, and I knew that Drew, probably  his entire life had  never really fit in, but I chatted him up, like I always do, and very quickly we became friends, as best he could. As he left that day he gave me his cell number and said if I needed anything, day or night, just call him and he would be right back over there. You see right back over there was 2 hours, we where in North Carolina and Drew lived in Tennessee, so it wasn't like he lived across town, it was 2 hours. I have always had an affinity for people like Drew, almost since I was a little girl, it is so ironic that God would give me a child with Aspergers, it seems as though he was preparing my heart for the day I would have to fight for my child to be accepted into a cruel and harsh world, if you don't fit into a norm that says this is how you should look or act or learn or speak. So buddy, when Wyatt was born, I was raring to go, fighting gloves on, ready to knock on any door I had to,  not accepting no as an answer, I was determined to find him the best help he needed. I knew it would be a difficult journey his entire life. He was mine and I was not ashamed of his inabilities, I saw the beauty in his heart and how because of his lack in one area he had this uniqueness about him in other areas. He had captured my heart. And just let me say, for the first 12 years of his life it was a daily fight. A heartbreaking fight. I have never felt such physical pain as I have felt over the pain I have felt seeing his heartbreak over not being accepted. These children, these adults, want friendship so badly, it eats at their very soul, but just don't have the skills to do it, And what is so sad is, it is not something you can teach them. It is in their very fibers, they try and I have seen Wyatt get better but it is just so hard, social settings are extremely stressful for them. They are just the odd ones out. Usually the ones by themselves or the ones trying to make conversations, but the other kids, or even adults, are thinking, wow this kid's weird.  Usually they are very intelligent so what they talk about alot of times no one understands.They blurt out things, their timing is off, their jokes are very funny, but they are strapped to the history books they read or the computer games they play, so it is hard for people not familiar with those kinds of things, to make sense of.  High numbers also are musically inclined, Drew was in a band, which seems like an oxymoron, but I think there is a safety behind an instrument, the same as I see my son when he plays games on-line and he wears a headset, the safety is in not facing someone, again hiding behind something.  These children have a purity of heart that  seems to link them all together. I suspected from the beginning  Drew might have these problems. Well, over the month I continued my friendship with Drew and he made several trips over, at his own expense, one night he sat in his car all night, he did not know I knew he was there, watching over me and the kids. I had a problem with the bronco and who did I call but, Drew, and who came but, Drew. I would tease him, and say he needed to charge me a consultation fee, and he would just look away and laugh, but I could tell Drew felt accepted at my house, my children addressed him as Mr Drew and gave him respect, he wasn't on the outside in my home, he was on the inside, he was included, he was my friend, I saw past the outer and saw Dew's heart. You know there's a simple Bible truth here, and its, just simply, help someone when they ask. And that's what Drew did. He didn't wave a banner or post all the things he had done for me, his own Mother didn't know all he had done, he just did them because he had a good heart, and I think our responsibility is to look past someone's outer self and look into that person's heart, so often we judge, we see a person, even in church or at a school function dressed nicely and who do we immediately make our way to? When their might be a Drew or a Wyatt standing on the out skirts just needing a friendly smile and someone to say hello. I had alot of friends, I had a home church, but, not one person came to my house during that time to help me, but a man from Tennessee with dark glasses too shy to look me in the eyes.  On July 27,2011 Drew, was shot and killed, and I feel in my heart, finding friendship is what drove Drew possibly to his death. Acceptance is a powerful pull, being alone is a dreadful, dreadful thing. Everyone needs a friend. Even a bad friend, sometimes we can convince ourselves, is better than no friend at all. I have gone over it in my mind a million times, did I extend myself to Drew the best that I could have , did I share my faith with him, I was heart broke the day Ms Betty called me, I was heartbroke for a week, and as I reflect back, yes, I think I did. I included Drew in our family, I sat him at my table gave him my chocolate cake, the kids gathered around, Jesse Cole asked him a million questions about his band, Drew just lit up as he was talking about it. The next time he came he brought a few of his hand guns to show Wyatt, he was a different man showing and explaining those firearms to my boys. I had told him of how faithful God had been the past year to give us that big ole' barn to start a healing in our journey back from losing everything. He shared a little bit about what that house had meant to him,  and some things about growing up and how his Mom, who he loved dearly, and he, was the"team". So as I laid there, almost a week after Drew had passed, and I asked God, please always give me the opportunity to share myself, share my family, my faith with a soul that is lost or lonely, or just needs a friendly smile. I dedicate this post to my friend Drew.

Found My Front Door!

I could not believe my eyes, this was the one! Let me back up, I always get ahead of myself when I get excited and I get excited when I am building and tearing and decorating and finding good  DEALS!!! I found a wonderful store, it is connected to Habitat for Humanity, all proceeds go to fund the program, which is a wonderful, wonderful organization. It is a big warehouse, no A/C, very rough, no fluff , but my kinda store!And it has just about everything, and I mean everything. From a restaurant that has closed to a foreclosed house that has been gutted and only 10 pieces of tile have been salvaged. But, let me tell you I love, love, love  this place. You can find the most unique things, like my front door! I can only imagine where my door came from, the history, the story, it looks old, maybe another lil beach cottge, who knows, that's what's so thrilling! There is something so fulfilling about rummaging through stuff that looks like junk and finding  something that you know you can make into something great. We have all become so accustomed, almost lazy, to just buying what we need, no personal investment, no ownership, no creativity. And it seems it has made people value nothing,  have too many things. I find now, these "things" I truly love and value, because I have an investment in them. Even my kids, I will hear them tell the stories behind the things we have in our home, even they have a pride for the things I have found and made into something beautiful. It seems we are headed back to a time when my junk might be someone else's treasure. I think it  gives people a sense of community to give to each other, to be involved in others lives, it teaches us empathy, compassion, concern for someone besides ourselves. My kids will now say Mom do you think so and so could use this? Never would they have ever even thought of such a thing before we found ourselves here. So for that I am grateful. So back to my door! It is amazing! They had 50.00 on it. Which was a little high for our budget, since we have no budget, Ha Ha, so I offered the man 25.00 and he took it!!! While I was there I also  found some tile, two bags of grout, a blind for the kitchen window and the door all for 30.00!!! It was so much more fun than looking in a book and ordering it! This has been a hard 3 weeks, we have been working everyday. And not on minor things, major things. Things that keep everything in a mess and 'everything" where it doesn't belong. A womans nightmare, especially one like me, tetering on mental delution!!! You would think these things would get easier, but they seem to get harder on me with age, or maybe it is my mental capacity. It doesn't seem to hold up as well under situations like these, it almost gets muddled or confused. I know Kenny thinks I'm crazy at times, He will ask me a question, a question about something we have talked about for days, for instance the room we are framing in, and I will have this blank stare or have a stupid response, he will say, "Woman, are you alright?" And I will laugh it off, but inside I am silently concerned, embarrassed that I am crazy or something is wrong. As woman we are built to hold it all together no matter what, because no matter what, our family comes first, my children come first, my mental breakdown will just have to wait until I have the kids rooms layed out, the house in order, them in the right school and sure they are settled and happy, Kenny's needs meet, and only then I can have my breakdown. In all seriousness, I layed in bed last night feeling overwhelming. It is just one more week until school starts and I still have my kids camping in the living room. I try to make dinner and keep everyone on a, some-what of a, normal schedule, but we are not "normal", we still have a toilet that is sitting in the middle of a room with no wall around it, like I said, the kids are sleeping in the living room! We are still getting clothes out of bins. I was shopping for that front door, and for a couple of hours I just forgot it all and just enjoyed the "hunt'. I go to find something and I just keep moving things from one place to another, it is just exhausting, and a constant reminder of what a disorganized mess things are. The kids have been so great, they get up every morning and make their beds, keep their lil areas picked up, they're happy as pie, I guess I could take a lesson from them, but, like I said early on, this is my blog and I am writing about how I feel and hopefully how other women feel as well. But, the kids I see it in their eyes, feed off of my emotions, if I am happy, they are happy, they look to me to set the standard for just about everything they do. I set the "how" our day goes. That is a powerful position we Mothers hold. Wow, I guess I just spoke to myself, as woman that is why we do what we do, lil eyes are always on us, looking to us to find peace, security, joy,whatever emotion that day will bring usual the parent (Mom) sets it. As I started this day, thinking, am I little loony ?, Or do I just expect a little too much, I reflect back to the past few days, I hear the laughter of my children and I hear my eldest (Wyatt) say, "Mom I didnt know how much went into these "special" sandwiches you make me, thanks Mom", or Isabella, "Mom" as I was fixing her hair, "how do you always know just what I always need", or Coleman whispering in my ear, just yesterday, "If I want to come home keep your phone on you", he was wanting to spend the night with a cousin, and he knew, as in the past I would come get him, even in the middle of the night. So Moms, crazy, a lil, I guess yes, if managing all that we do for the ones we love, I guess it is well worth the loonicy. One day we will have this lil beach cottage done! And maybe, just maybe, in the process,  I won"t lose my sanity, and maybe, just maybe, I am gaining a lot more than just a little beach cottage.

Who Will Tuck Her In Tonight?

As I sit here writing, I have Gracing Mae to my left curled up asleep, which is hardly noticeable, she weighs 'bout 3lb, but, I also have Sweetie Pie who is a fat heifer (a mutt who weighs probably 80lbs) who is asleep at my feet on the Ottoman. I get up early so I can write before the children are awake, and not be distracted and I still find myself  with 2 dogs basically in my lap. But, as I see their eyes gaze up at me, and I feel the warmth of them, I think of the person I spoke to yesterday who has such immense loneliness in their voice, it cut through to my heart like a knife. I think about just the contact of these 2 dogs, the companionship, but, to have no human relationships in your life, ones of substance, has got to be like death. This person is in their 50s and as they spoke of the young years, the golden years, and all their expectations for what lied ahead, I knew it was, most certainly,  not what they got.  Somehow, even with a degree, a Masters I believe, a job just never seemed to quite work out. One of those cases was this person, they are not a bully or a taker but, is a kind, hard worker, one you could overlook or even take advantage of, which is, what it seems to me, has happened. It is even sadder when you see them reconnect with old friends from the past and they are not transparent or real, they act as though their lives are perfect and make this person feel even more alone. They don't even try to see that their friend is broken and desperate, they just need someone to take their hand and say, "I understand, your not alone, I am not judging you, I am your Friend, nothing can change that." So as they sit in a room full of people they know, and  have looked forward to seeing, they feel more alone than when they got there. And I'm not saying make your life something it's not, I am quick to share the wonderful gifts in my life, but I am also open and honest about the failures and brokenness in my life also. People relate to the good and the bad, what they don't relate to, what NOBODY needs, is fraud, being fake, being something we're not. It is sad because it seems our media, our music, everything around us has driven us to this mentality. But it such a sad, sad way to live your life. I have never had such freedom, or such wonderful friendship, as I have had since I have given totally of myself and our situation. Not everyone has been gracious and welcomed my "method" I guess you could call it, they have said, "Angie, you need to keep these things personal, why would you want to expose your family like this, what about your kids"..... and in the beginning alot of my anxiety was because of my family, but, when I felt called to love people and help them it wasn't with the stipulation "well God only if it doesn't cost me anything", I will do what you ask me. It was simply, yes. Even now, looking back, our family has gained so much more then what we have lost by sharing our story with others. Every where I turn I meet a devastated family needing someone to say a kind word to them, to say they understand, to offer them some hope that they will make it through losing their home, or their husband losing his job. A man so broken he thinks of suicide because he can't provide for his family. It's not even about  money, it's so far beyond that now, it's about hope. When someone loses hope, they lose the ability to live. When I drove away from 6th Ave I had lost all hope of ever setting up home again. My heart and spirit was broken. I had lost hope. Had it not been for my children I would have laid down and died. The house in North Carolin began a healing in me, that brought back a promise of hope, that one day, I could have my own place to call home. There's a security that comes with having a home, somewhere to gather your children, to laugh and eat together, lay down at night safe from the world, but what I have realized is home is a shell that can be made up of a thousand different types materials. From an RV to a million dollar board and batton dream cottage on St. George Island. "Home" is what you put inside that shell. As I was talking to my old friend, I said to him, your value is not in your mortgage, or your job, but in that boy that you have invested your entire life in, in the Wednesday boys' program you have been faithful to for 20 years week after week, that is what is of value, the care you give your bed ridden mother, those are the things which define your life. Times are hard, and I am afraid they are going to get alot harder. I was at Walmart today and I have to say for the first time I felt a sense of fear, an unsettleness when I passed two  different people, they just seemed so desperate and almost had a wild look in their eyes, like there was nothing there-an emptiness. I felt fearful. When people feel hopeless, they can be dangerous. They looked like caged animals. They just looked so poor and helpless, and alone. I had a sense that to numb the pain they both were using some kind of substance. There children broke my heart, they looked so lost as well, running to keep up with the adults, but the adults not even noticing they were there. As I thought of my friend and how he was feeling abandoned and alone, like his life had some how made a detour and how he felt as though his life was the only one that had disappointment, and I thought of those people I had seen in Walmart, the one which I have heard referred to as the "ghetto" Walmart, I had to think, God, where do all these lost people go to at night, where is that little girl at tonight? Who is making her safe, who is having dinner with her, laughing with her, reassuring her everything is gonna be alright, Mommy and Daddy is here. There cart was full of microwave dinners, is she fixing her own dinner, as I make my own children a homemade dinner, maybe she won't even have dinner. Loneliness is far worse than losing a house. Being alone is far worse than losing a new car. I can guarantee you that little girl would trade anything, to have her daddy tuck  her in bed at night and know she is safe, even if it is a one room apartment. Security comes not from what we have but from who we love and who loves us. Were the hippies right? Is there such a thing
as "free" love-Well, Yes and No! Love, defined by empathy, always cost the one doing the loving, it may cost them everything, it may cost them their life, but it Does Cost!  That is why empathy should make us more than willing to lose our "dignity", lose our "status", lose our sanctimoniousness, and step beyond ourselves.

Loving Someone May Cost You Something

Had a great time getting initiated into the gang. My cousin has a group of friends she met while pregnant with her middle child and they have remained friends some 12 yrs later, which is a very unusual thing. People are just not loyal. They don"t seem to know what it is like to attach themselves to someone and love them regardless of what they may be going through, just simply love them. It is easy to love someone when they require nothing of you, and their life is all neat and tidy, it gets a little more complicated when they're losing their home, going through a divorce or they have a child arrested,  because it may COST them something to remain friends. When you go to the grocery store you may have to  buy your kids less so you can buy your friends family a few groceries. Don"t we all have something we can share, anyway? My Granny always said that as long as she invited someone in need to her table her table always had plenty. How different things would be if we all abided by her conviction. No book she read, no talk show she heard, no tally system she kept, i.e. (well if I help this one, I can't help that one) no, she just helped whoever was in front of her that had a need. She didn't ask if they really needed it, or deserved it, I think she felt that was left in the hands of God, her reward was in giving, not judging. And I am one of the worst, it is just my nature, because I am a rule follower, and if you follow the rules, your life should follow suit. . NOT!! Life just isn't like that. I would have never admitted it but, I never missed church, helped the homeless, paid tithes, etc.. so why did things turn out the way they did? If I gave, why did I lose my home, I raised Emma from the wound in a Christian home, yet, she made her own decisions that ultimately lead to a felony count, why did these thing happen, especially, if I had played by the rules!  If life is drivin by karma, I suck at it, I must have been a goat in another life!  You  should do these things, you chose to live by the principles I spoke of in the very first post I wrote, because you know they are the right thing to do. And you also have the hope beyond your own failures and inadequacies that God ultimately holds your future, and your children's future, in His hands. As I have made entries into this blog I have often thought of statements like,"If I did this", or "I did that", I guess trying to justify why  it is not our fault we wound up here, but, almost 3 and half years later, I think the only significance of any of that is, I did what I knew to be right and the rest is out of my hands. What I have taken from this crazy ride is, the past 3 years I have been able to give very little, monetary wise, and the tally system has been W  A  Y  in Gods favor. He has meet our need through so many different sources, I could'nt began to name them all, saying that..... it was not an easy, layed out, nice and neat, schedule of when to expect the next check. There were many days and nights I looked to the heavens and cried OUT what are we going to do? From, not having electricity, to not having food, to no hot water, to needing to see a Doctor, not minor things but big things, like seeing my heart and soul, Em, arrested and being driven away. Things that alter your mind and soul, forever burned into the recesses of your mind, but, there was a time I felt abandoned and alone, and I felt as though I had failed God in someway and I was being punished, because my life was not going along in a manner that I was use to, in fact looking back, even though it was not in a conventional way, no matter how we got here, we got here. God always met us! And we may not have had a roof over our head that had our name on the deed, but none the less God provided us a shelter, and my family was in tact and safe. So I have learned to not be so hard even on myself about my lack of faith or lack of ability to believe, or at times even question, because even with all that, I rely on His abilities and His faithfulness to see us through. Kenny and I sat and made an outline, so twice a week I will be getting back to our story, and the other 3 days I will be writing about our day to day present life and the progress of our lil beach cottage.