Trails Are An Honor

Have you ever came across someone who is what the kids call a "hater"? And you get all defensive and bow up and your gonna tell that person something and make them see that being a "hater" is  no way to be. So you go about to make them not be a "hater" and make the situation worse, but if you look closely, usually, they are people who have been deeply wounded. I will talk about issues today, that are very touchy issues,  touchy because they will have to come from me, because there is no one else to tell my story. There are different kinds of people who perceive things differently.When you have nice things, drive a nice car, wear nice cloths everyone wants to be near you. one kind of people just want to be near you because they associate nice things with success, intelligence, everything the media says we should chase after. They want to hear your opinion, have you in their group, oh the infamous.... AMERICAN DREAM. Then the other group is the one that says if you live in a nice house, drive a nice car, wear nice cloths, vote a certain way, you can't have any compassion for anyone but you and yours, you need a good lesson, your not 'humble" enough, ...... The "haters," as I spoke of at the beginning, somewhere, most usually, have been mistreated, unfairly overlooked, or somehow have not measured up, or they have worked very hard and somehow have not quite made it. So they see these things as a sign of a very shallow and  privileged person, someone who has advanced without earning it..  Again, I said I would be honest and forth right with my writing because I feel this would be of no value to me or anyone else if I do anything less. We of course had our circle of intimate friends and family, that stood by us and supported us along the way, but the dynamics of the two groups I just spoke of was not pretty as our demise began and until it made its last "ha-rah ha-rah. . The ones that wanted to be near, well these were the first to go. So impressed, they would run up, and laugh a stupid laugh, (I so hated-it, it was so shallow) "looks like the governor pulled up in that Denali", Kenny!  HA-HA I hated it, name dropping  that was only meant to intimidate or make someone feel bad. I never referred to it as the "Denali", I always said, "My truck". We would have never owned a vehicle of that expense had it been on the churches dime, but the business paid that lease, which was a tax write off. So as these people got fewer and fewer, and they would pass me, as I was walking to the store or the kids school, and I would wave just to make them uncomfortable, I realized the problem was theirs not mine. They weren't people who wanted to know anything about me or Kenny, they were impressed with what we had. So when that was gone, we were of no value to them. They didn't want open and honest, they wanted avoidance and wanted me to be invisible, suddenly, we were not so interesting, but I was not going away, my value, my purpose in this world,  had not change the moment I turned that Denali in, I see today my mission had changed, IT broadened. Now to the group that, almost, enjoyed seeing the "things" go, if I heard it said once I heard it  said at least 20 times, "God is teaching you humility, materials things aren't everything, it's God's will, you focused too much on the worldly things, you must have done something to put yourself here, because I am ok. There has to be a lesson here for you to learn. God bless you brother!!", as he looks over you shoulder to catch up with the next brother (one who is now more affluent than you). Let me tell you, these are not the things you want, or need, to hear when you are in  the middle of crisis. There was no listening, no just sitting and chatting, no "real" empathy.  When every foundational "truth" you have built your life on shifts, platitudes are not just hollow, they are offensive.  Troubles in life are one thing, however when the issues deal with the most sacred and sincere beliefs in your life, there is a magnificent instruction in the text of scripture, it simply says, "Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn" or as best I can remember.  It is the most remarkable and insightful of instructions, and, I might say, the most civil and compassionate. Well, looking back now, maybe the lesson is this, maybe my lesson, maybe our lesson is displayed in the simple Bible truths that says, "The last shall be first", Jesus made a remarkable statement, it seems, almost, absurd, He made it in a very clear and vivid way and there is little mistaking what He said and what He meant, He
said He had come to serve!  There is some question as to Who Jesus was, but even the most agnostic of
humans cannot deny He has been the most influential Man in history.  Furthermore, if you believe His is more, that He is kindred with God, God's Son, what a profound point of view.  The Son of God came to serve, rather than be served.  What if this was always His plan, what if this (all our trouble) was all meant?  The remarkable converted Rabbi, who suffered for so many years and suffered so, so much, his name was
Paul, said I am comforted by the One who is the True Comforter.  I know that night, almost three years ago,
when we got the call to go and pick up Emma's car, when we saw the most dreadful moment, I would have
given up my "Denali", my "home", my "stuff" to protect and help her, without a thought.  Would I not be willing to suffer for the sake of connecting with and serving others? I was called by God to serve, since I was a little girl. America is not built on serving it is built on being served and being Master.                                  
I know it sounds odd, but when I realized we were utterly and totally alone, no-one was there, no-one was coming, no-one was listening, and no-one was, even, looking, I heard God speak to me, not in a voice, but  in a deep impression in my heart, that He was going to take care of everything we needed, but He would do it day to day as we needed.  That was really scary, really outrageous, but I can say, two years have passed and we still have what we need, at least through "this" day.  It has not been an easy thing living this "day to "day"  way of life, but I am confident that God is true to His word, He is true to His promises, and our life is bigger than this world we know. What we have built our lives on is very old fashioned, very archaic, but I long ago decided I would focus on His purpose for my life, and that is what I have tried to do, that is what we have tried to do, if we have been wrong how far back do we have to go to find when and where it was? In spite of all of it I still believe what God has promised us and what He has said was our purpose, and I believe He does not lie, and is incapable of it. There is an afterlife that we will face, and this life will seem  short. When Kenny goes in to pray with the kids at night  and I hear Emma yell out, (yes Emma home at 9:00) good night Mom I love you, I have a peace that is not dependent on my circumstances of that day. It is based on knowing things are right where they are suppose to be. Things don't always have to be easy, things don't always to have to make sense, but I think I see this new lot in life as an honor, as if I have been chosen for a moment in time to be a small part of helping others who may be in a dark and despairing place, and at this moment in my life, it is well with my soul.

Kobe, Destined For This Moment

During a very heated election an angry women opposed to my views said, would you send your son to this war!!! I stood there wanting to be civil and represent my opinion in a manner that would represent the character I display in my life that should also apply in my politics, I said yes mama, I would, for one thing,  I have to believe God holds my sons destiny in His hand, well she sure she  didn't like that answer,  and what an honorable and noble thing to give ones life for his country, even my own sons. She stood there, rather dumbfounded, and I  handed her my choice for president button and she just stared at her palm looking down at it, all anger leaving her face. You see I think alot of people talk the talk but are not willing to walk the walk. And sometimes, we go through great pains and lost in our own lives just for a moment of our  meeting our destiny face to face. Sometimes that destiny may be death. With that death, it brings the people around that passing to better places, God uses that life to fill the destiny, the destiny He  had planned for them.  Haven't you heard people say, they felt like a person was on loan, an angel sent from heaven to rescue or bring them to higher places. Nothing does that better than a child. My father and mother got married very young and she to this day says God knew how to control them by giving them me. Because the moment I arrived, they where in church.  That brings me to a very special and dear friend of mine. Today, I dedicate my post to Kobe Kyle had he lived he would be 13 today.. So today I dedicate my post to him.  Nic, we met on a Wednesday night and the next time we were together, she knew all our financial troubles. There were no secrets. When it had gotten so bad, and the electric had been shut off, Kenny had dropped me and 6 loads of our dirty laundry off at her house and  I didn't give it a second thought, because I would have done it for her in a minute. Why I felt the comfort with Nic is the same reason she felt it with me, we were kindred spirits, we sooooo connected on a deep level, we have a bond to this day I dont understand.  What God was doing in her and Kyles life was like sitting back and watching a tragic comedy except it awe inspiring. It was like two kids raising four kids. Not that they are not responsible, they are just all about fun!! But, saying that they have had there struggles and ther pains and many collisions with trouble. Nic so inspires me with her shear tenacity determination and will to see her  family serve God and her marriage be one of greatness.  There was no pretense or putting on with Nic, I could be completely who I am with her and she loved me for who I was. She thought I was great!! And, likewise, I think the world of Nic. And what a testament to the beauty of applying God principles to your life, not rules, or regulations, or brow beatings, but Gods principles, the very best for your life, Kyle and Nics life  has just exlpoded into a testament  of the repercussions of this. Not bondage but FREEDOM!!!    The absolute love of her life was born when Nic was just 17 yrs old. Kobe Kyle Steinmetz. , he was born a healthy baby boy, on June 4, 1998, 2 and half yrs  later when she was bathing him she found a hugh lump that was a rare form of kidney cancer, wilms tumor.. Kobe would go through 3 years of extensive treatments, surgeries and many many up and downs with his health., yet his spirit would never lose it ability to lift up the people around him, most importantly his young parents. They would experience the emotions no parents should have to experience, the moments of darkness, the moments in the privacy of there own thoughts when they had to cry out and ask God why, why our baby, why Kobe, he has the spirit of an angel. How will we survive the lost of him. It is not fair. How do we go on  from here as a couple. The nights laying and watching him sleep afraid to close your eyes for fear he might slip away I can try to imagine what it must have felt like, but I would be lying to say I understand. It is not possible to understand emotions of that magnitude, unless you have also lost a child. So young to face such big and complex issues. If you go to there house ther is picture everywhere of the boy, never crying never frowning always happy, he was a unique and gifted child in the sense he had a joy that his sickness never took from him. Even pictures of him without hair or in the hospital is always cutting up or playing around. The  moment she gave Kobe up was the moment he gave her permission to let him go. You see a Mom never gives up on her child. And the dynamic between Kobe and Nic was one of he took care of his Mom,  they were a team, he was her life line, he gave her a reason to be the best she could be, just as my Mom said God knew how to straighten her and my Dad out, well God knew the way to Nic and Kyles heart, and that was through that baby boy, and his life would lead them to the life, the full life that God had intended for them. Kobe laid the foundation for his sisters today, the life, the good life, his sisters will be the benefactors of, they owe to Kobe. Nic has often told me of the last moments she had with him, when he released her to let him go, and he assured her he was an angel. Nic knew she would see Kobe again. She said the day he passed was as beautiful as the day he was born. Gods presence was there and it gave them super natural peace. She now has 4 beautiful girls, yes 4 GIRLS!! But as I was getting my thoughts for this post my thoughts were on sacrifice and sometimes our destiny might be... just for a moment in time. Everything building for one moment in time! Nic will tell you had it not been for Kobe, her life, Kyles life ,was headed no where fast. the last year of Kobes life she got pregnant and they started to rebuild what had been a very difficult 2 years, but through kobe life they came to know God and the process started. That young couple could have turned to substance abuse or bitterness and allowed his death to consume them and ruin what hope his little life had been and all his pain and all his suffering would have been in vain. Instead through the mercy and grace of who God is and the nature of who He is He has came into this family and transformed it. Through the short and tragic, so it would seem life of Kobe, God has made something good come out of his young life. And I feel confident somehow in his young little life he knew his Mom was gonna be alright. They were tight, they had a closeness that was very unique and unusual, and I think God gave that child a peace that his Mother was gonna be alright. And God had honored that.   

KENNY, STOP!! The Unprepared Photo!!!!

Again, let me reiterate this is my site and this is how I've seen things and how I have perceived them to be. I know it is soooo true as women, but even as I have seen leadership in religious centers (which are supposed to be a spiritual and unique entity) instead of finding what direction is right for that people, at that moment, they find a model and start this quest to build their group just like the other one. So, often, by the time you attain the cookie cutter effect that "other" groups has either changed or moved on to something else. I feel a real stirring in my own personal being to be open and honest about some things today. It seems everything in our lives is somehow staged. I am new at this blogging world so I went to the Internet and started looking. Wow did I feel small and "unfluffy"! I  don't even know if that's a word, but it best describes, the best way, how I was feeling as I was browsing. They were mostly nice, neat, either, little homeschooling Moms or very knowledgeable Bible Women; background music, roses climbing up the sides, links to this thing and that thing, free book offers, oh, too much to even remember. So I narrowed my search to "family in financial crisis", "women in crisis", "homeless families" and boy did a million sites come up about refinancing and loans and foreclosures,  blah, blah, blah.  Nothing really addressing being authentic or displaying  the day to day realities families face living on the edge. And  unless you have been living under a rock there are thousands of families living week to week not having enough to eat with the threat of losing there home, or not being able to pay there utilities, or counting out change to buy gas. I think there is secrecy and shame involved with having to live not knowing how you will survive until the next day, because we have all gone around portraying a life that does not exist behind closed doors.  I am sure it  does exist, but I was not able to find a blog of the nature of mine. Well, back to the blogs I did scroll through, as I looked through them, my confidence growing smaller and smaller, redoing my page over and over in my head, thinking my site (I still feel way to old to call it a blog) will never survive. At one point in my life I had horrible anxiety , about having to stand in line and have people stand behind me, or being in church and having people sit behind me, it all caused me great fear. It was a phobia about people having to look at me. I didn't understand it and there was alot of shame with it, so I didn't tell anyone for years. When I did tell Kenny we came to understand it is called body dysmorphia (of course another psychiatrist term). I was put on medication and, within a few years, my anxiety and fear leveled out and I was able to rationalize and know these feeling where not logical, but the medication allowed me to do that. I don't know that, outside of a divine healing, I could have "talked" myself through it.  We get so good at hiding who we really are, and what our fears are, I think we lose sight of what our gifting and talents are. When you are constantly hiding and covering up you use so much energy, you have none left to put into the things that make us unique, and things that would develop naturally, and flow easily, if left without interference. I am naturally drawn to people, people of all classes, all ages, all genders, but my problem so crippled me I could not do what God had created me to do. I think the beauty in true friendship, and I have very few true friends, is that friends are people who have very diverse talents, and spend their energy drawing from all those talents and giftings without being jealous or envious. So, as I was looking through these sites, these successful sites, I thought back to when I  decorated our 6th Ave house, it was unique to "me". I didn't copy, I didn't buy furniture in sets, and I didn't care if it wasn't matchie-matchie, I decorated to suit my style, to suit my family and make my guest feel welcome and comfortable and at the end of the day I was completely happy with what I had done. My house was a reflection of me and my family.  So often we try to wrap people up in the same type of  package; to look a certain way, talk a certain way , act a certain way, when really that is of no concern of ours, our responsibility is to show them authenticity and let God reveal himself to them, and as He does, these things take care of themselves. So back to my blog, I guess ignorance is bliss, I am so grateful my focus has been on content not on layout, or all the "fluff", all that stuff is fine, but I just don't feel that is my calling, I don't feel that is my uniqueness, so I will continue in the manner that I have started. Those were not my STRENGTHS. The greatest casualty of the endless pursuit  of covering up who you really are is the loss of connection with other people. In our present financial crisis in our great nation, there is a shame that goes along with not having the money to pay your light bill, or have enough groceries, or counting out change for gas. The sadness in that is, if you really thought of it rationally and not with your shame and emotions, you would know there are millions in the same boat, just they too are behind closed doors, barely hanging onto the life they have known. When will we began to open our lives to each other?  As my son said, "Mom what a great country, a country that would buy a kids lunch when his Dad lost his job". No shame, no secrecy, just a fact, this is life.  Is a mans life over when he loses his job, is a women's life over when she has lost her beauty and she is not what society considers attractive. Maybe if we have based our lives on the premise that who we are is dependent on what we do, what we make, what we look like, where we live, not who we serve, how we raise our kids, how we share our lives with others. When we don't let people see our true selves we sacrifice connection, and without connection we struggle for purpose and meaning.             "Mommie you look mean!" I said, "I am going to get mean because your Dad is sooo dead! It just a miracle my mouth is not open and my hand is not giving him and unfriendly gesture. My husband is the worst "Picture Taker" in world history.  He pays no attention, looks away during the shot, doesn't care about color or scheme, and, then says, "O, it looks great!" So here it is.....One of his infamous shots, and I might say, a little too "real" for my comfort, but that is what this particular blog is all about....honesty!

After Virginia, God the Maestro

I made a fast and furious friend the moment I sat in the chair across from her at the middle school, she was on the phone, writing with one hand, and on the computer with the other and communicating with me with her eyes!! Talk about multi tasking!! She does it! Instantly you sense a genuine love for what she does. A sincere and strong and fighter's spirit, but also a weariness from the heartbreak she has had to witness daily. We have become so calloused and judgmental about people on social services, just yesterday on fb people told what they would and wouldn't do,  I sat there and thought, how unqualified I felt myself, even after navigating 2yrs through the system, to even place a comment or opinion. There was a proposal in Florida which would take social services from people who tested positive for drugs. It is a thorny issue and one which sounds so correct when you first hear it, however, I know now it is not quite so clear.  None-the-less, most of the people I have met at the Department of Social Services (that is the people who are applying) are generational welfare adults, who witnessed there own parents with substance abuse, now having children of their own, if we just cut there "funds" as everyone so readily suggested, we also cut the funding to those children in that home, they will be punished also, they will have no hope, there life is dark and sad as it is and it will be one more burden to bear not having enough food to eat. It is true, the drugs need to be addressed, the alcohol, the prescription pills, the meth, and all the rest, but it has to be done in a civil and cautious way. I had the privilege of hearing  Dr. Condeleeza Rice she said, (not speaking about social services, but about America in general)  Yes there are abuses and, no, we are not perfect in America, but if we can save that "one", that is the "spirit" of America. I was that one, in Mobile Alabama. (what she was referring to was her eventually obtaining grants and scholarships and pursuing her education), but isn't that also the spirit of God? Extend grace to be given grace. As I sat there listening to this women I had just met I knew I was going to like her!. We spoke in half sentences, we would jump in, we wasted no time getting to know one another, there was no judgement, she showed me no pity, just true compassion and she connected with me and shared she was going through a divorce herself and was struggling to keep her home. I have also seen the other side of the coin when it comes to Social workers being berating and degrading and making you feel small and less than human. But so often we only hear about the bad and never the good. Well my friend immediately, funny I would call her my "friend "so soon,  got on the phone and started resourcing for me and did not take no for an answer until we got what I needed. And to this day, I still have those connections. I have a circle of 3 friends that if I need anything, ANYTHING I just call. The children's school has become a place of valuable resources, as well, to our family, I don't think there is anything, if I truly asked, they wouldn't do for us. We meet a teacher right now and she drives the kids into school to save on gas, and we still have some nice clothes from the better years, which I give her for her kids and for her, none-the-less, not many people would go out of their way to help anyone, everything is some form of inconvenience.. But so many people are ready and willing and able to go out of there way to cast a judgement or give there opinion on what you should have done differently or what you should be doing now. I asked my friend how she holds up under the burden of seeing such sadness and hardship, she is a social worker in the public schools so your imagination can fill you in, she said, "You just help the one in front of you and then just go to the next one." I think about today as I have my coffee and think about the Virgina job and how I was emotionally flattened I was, so I say "God help me to see today, the people, things, the moments I need to take in and not let them pass me by." I see so clearly now the importance of this blog, if only for myself, it is as though our life, though difficult and hard and "makes no sense at the moment, not until you are looking back", it is like a concert (which we attended for Wyatt's band at school recently), every instrument has been put in its place and the right piece of music on its stand and once it starts to play it like "Ahhhh, I hear it now". All these people, all these things, this house, the kids' school, Wyatt's group of friends ( Wyatt was diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome this yr), these mountains, that Bronco, and freedom she has represented to me, too many things to name. How will I pay the insurance for the Bronco, or the gas, or the lights, the entire nation is looking for work, those things are paid today, so today, I will enjoy the music God  has written for me and my family in these remote mountains, because when I close my eyes, I will lose today forever, and, trust me, tomorrow will come and I will have the chance to face it all again. Today I am grateful God is my Maestro.

The Job That Should have Been

We were down south when we got the call that a job opening in Roanoke, Virginia was going to be available very quickly. Well my heart lea pt, because of my love for country, and Virgina is full of National history and I had considered returning to school to study American history. I have always had an interest in politics and had I not chosen ministry, I would have probably chosen politics. Which, politics, if chosen for the right reasons, is about serving.  That's a whole nother blog! And the University of Virginia sounded like the perfect place. This sounded like the perfect job, one of those we have it the bag kind of things. Fail proof, oh don't worry  it's all certain, we will get the job, the kids were doing the happy dance, we were making plans, we just knew it was a sure thing. Kenny had a friend who had moved up in a national supply company and he eventually became one of three vice-presidents.  He had
known Kenny to be very knowledgeable about the products they sold, because it was the material he used for over fifteen years in the area of construction he sub-contracted. As we made our way home  warning flags began to surround this "perfect" fail proof situation. It was the kind of job which could really turn things around for us.  It paid an extremely good salary, had a company car, cell, and lap-top .  Kenny call the regional manager and he scheduled to met him and his attitude was as though he was meeting him for coffee. It was a unique and new job, one which Kenny had all the qualifications for and it was going to be extremely difficult to find a person with all the necessary qualities, and the corporate office was in an uproar that the position had yet to be filled.  He showed no real concern for the situation, or, at least, that is the way it came across. No urgency in his demeanor at all.  Things already were not settling well with Kenny, the regional guy scheduled a meeting over three weeks into the future, not right away, he, also, was very unprofessional in his arrangements, not common for a man in such a high position in a company.  It was all a bit foreboding,  but when you find yourself in such a desperate way, you get so hyper sensitive that you began to mistrust your own abilities to see things clearly. And through this, I am ashamed to say, I had also begun to question Kenny, and I started to feel like he was already beginning to be negative toward the situation, when in fact he was sensing a problem, just another one of the emotions that comes out of living through a highly stressful period. You just don't come through it un-scathed or unchanged. Even your relationships change, for the bad and seldom for the good. It is up to you to take the best out of both and make those relationships better.  Kenny and I have come to better places because of what we have lived through, but there were many, many times that the good had a long wait before it would conquer the bad.  But, this mistrust of Kenny's intuition created a very tense situation. My hopes were VERY high. No-one who has ever been in these strenuous and profoundly despairing times knows that the expectations become more powerful, when in fact they are just more desperate, this makes the disappointment that much greater. I had gotten to a point were I just didn't expect anything good to happen, and that is NO better. Medical Insurance, company car, phone it would get us back on track. But the interesting thing about that statement, even as I say it, is that I am not really qualified to say what would or would not get us back on track. We lived our life as best we knew how, applying God's principles to our life and honoring Him as best we could and somehow we still found ourselves here. So I find I don't make that statement much anymore. I go back to that simple prayer I committed to God, God I honor Your name, Your will be done in me, and supply my need TODAY, (but I am a slow learner). I recall a situation, very early in our married life, when we had no credit, we had asked someone to co-sign for us a ford fiesta, well they said "no", and we were crushed. We were living in Georgia and I came down to visit my Dad and my cousin Brian said, "Angie, I have an old Jeep, but it doesn't have a top and you probably wont like it. But we can take a look", well when I saw that 1984 red wrangler and he said here's the keys just make the payments, I thought OMG, I could be driving that Ford Fiesta!!! We made that payment faithfully, before anything else, because he had entrusted me with his credit, I felt indebted and grateful to him. I have a special love for him to this day for helping me in that way.  As I pulled up in that bright red Jeep Wrangler Kenny almost fell over, it was awesome!! I couldn't have picked a more suited vehicle for me than that Jeep! Emma  spoke recently of that  Jeep and was laughing about laying on the floor by the heater because all it had was a bikini top, a "bikini" top! There are those memories we were talking about earlier! So I am very skeptical now, about forcing God's hand at anything. Even when I am in my intimate moments with Him, I pray, "God you have our best interest at heart, God you take us were we need to go, You develop in us what needs to be developed in us. Beyond that, we have made God some
sort of servant to us rather than the reverse, that does strike me as odd. Should the Creator ever be subject
to His creation?  What we are all missing is a sense of purpose and usefulness.  When people feel their lives are serving a true purpose they refuse to become too deeply immersed in the dregs of despair, and one thing I know is that being aware of God's calling and His direction, with a certainty, gives you a grand sense of Purpose.
P.S. About six weeks ago we got the call,  Kenny we really need a guy like you, you've ran a business, you know the products, your suggestion were right on point, WOW man YOU would be a great asset!  Bla bla bla  but...... we just don't feel like you have enough sales experience. COME ON!!!!    Here we go again.

The Cost Of Memories

Well Kenny and I sat for a few moments and gathered our thoughts and put together somewhat of an outline so we can get back on track with the story and began working backward, or none of this will make any sense. As I looked through those pictures and all those memories, memories I had blocked, because, like I had spoken in an earlier post, I think our body goes into a protective mode that only allows us to receive what we can handle at that the moment without your mind going so far you don't return. I think that can be true of bad  memories, but also of good ones as well. I think you can grieve the good times, the good things you have lost, and you really must guard yourself from living in a time warp, in a sense a mindset where you never really move on, but you NEVER want to forget those memories. They make up where you came from and who you are today. They also  make up who your children are, these trials don't define who we are, memories do, time spent together, the boys stepping up and protecting me because Kenny wasn't here, us pulling together and ripping up carpet, painting and making an unlivable house a home, Emma buying groceries and paying the kids fees at school, those are the things that define us, that define our family, the  things I don't ever want to forget. As America faces financial crisis and more and more families are  faced with the same issues we have just been through I hope I can be of some encouragement. That it is not easy, there are no easy answers, and  there are many nights of anger, I have to be honest and admit it and so will you, but if you put your energies and your "WHY IN THE HECK DIDN'T THIS THING PASS ME OVER!!!!", into an unfamiliar and rock hard kinda attitude, the kind that looks at the world through the eyes of a nine year old, eyes which don't see money, and $140.00 Nikes, and $800.00 game systems, nearly as clearly as they see Mom and Dad sitting and wathching them, hearing them laugh, smiling at their aweful knock-knock jokes, then you will find Hope. It is such an odd thing, the children never speak harshly, or bitter, when they speak of Tallahassee, or Kenny or our old business, or our old life and what they have lost. I guess it is we adults who could take some lessons from the kids. They just make fun, THEY JUST MAKE FUN where ever they are! Reminds me of a story when the boys were about maybe 6 and 3, I had layed down for a moment and they had emptied an entire case of Desanti bottled water down the hall and were butt naked running and sliding down our tongue-n-groove 1x6 wood floor hallway. The odd thing about memories is they seldom are seen looking back as they were as they happened. Kenny and I often talk about how the most cherished memories we have are the ones, which at the time they happened, were the most terrible and gut-wrenching. Memories of loss, yes they can be painful, but they bring much joy and pleasure after they are seasoned with a little time. We are "doers" in our age, it is what we have been born for, what we have been, rigoressly, trained for, however, could it be, that we have missed the "being" part of ourselves?  What if the most valued and sacred time we spent was every evening at the dinner table, or on the old backyard cushion just watching the lives of our children unfold, or helping an old man who is weak and poor and disoriented enjoy a dollar McDouble, while he hears the laughter of our little ones sitting about us.  We do not make our children the center of our world, first there is God, the best we know how, then there is Kenny and me, and, then, it is the children, but what they are, who they are, what they become, is not decided by their collection of things, but by their collection of "memories".  They will say,  "Mom tell the story of me and Wyatt sliding in the water."  They are either far wiser than we, or far simpler, yet, whatever it is, we need to learn from them!  With that said, there are some memories, that, I will assure you, there are no positive attachments, or lessons, I feel I can take from, maybe someday I will see them!

Protected My Heart While Overlooking Emmas

I am looking at a 20 X 40 black and white photo of Isabella curled up on her tummy black hair against a white slip covered sofa that just arrived from Shabby Chic 1 month earlier. I mention the sofa because I had hoped there would be no more lil ones! And it was washable! At least that is how I convinced Kenny into ordering it. Really, he couldn't have care less, he leaves that stuff up to me, smart man!! If you look closely you will she has two black eyes, it was not an easy delivery. What utter shock I was in when Dr John Ness told me I was pregnant with her. I had hoped for our 18th wedding anniversary a vintage Jeep, maybe a 79 Bronco (got it 7 years later under a bit different conditions!). but a baby!! Come on Kenny Dyer, what a dirty trick! It seemed we conceived her on our 18th wedding anniversary weekend. I called him because I am in tears and shock and he meets me for lunch. But, also, in the back of my mind, I knew the church we pastored would find the idea of us having another child almost repulsive or lack of good taste or poor judgement. I had been asked at least a dozen times, joking of course, when Kenny was going to "visit" the doctor?  Wyatt was  6, Coleman was 3. So we decide to hide it. So outwardly not spoken but on some unconscious level. Why? I do not know.  We didn't rely on the church for our livelihood or our necessities, and our bills didn't go to the secretary to get taken care of, our business covered our expenses , even our medical insurances we paid. They didn't treat us to dinners or send us on vacations, and we were just expected to never speak of any of it. We gave back more than we received, and the church was in very good financial standing with a good sum of money in the bank.  Why the embarrassment or shame, I don't know!  Our business would pay for this baby not them. I don't think it was a matter of finances, I think it was a matter of inconveniences. I think it was a matter of the "things", the carpet, the chairs, the tables, whatever, it might have been, their nice neat routine was of more value than, or so I felt, this baby I was carrying.  Emma kept Wyatt and Cole in the back room, so that they would not break or disturb anything or anyone, almost as if they did not exist. As soon as a service ended I would gather them, buckle them in, Kenny would visit, we would sit and wait.  We had many families come through, and many families leave, they would be frank with me and say they just did not feel like there kids were welcome. It was a stifled and stiff environment. There was no room or lead way for a child to be a child. With that said, I will say there was a wonderful woman my children fondly referred to as lil Pam. She had a heart after Gods when it comes to children, unfortunately she, at that time, was coming through a very difficult time in her life, a very, very awful divorce.  So my kids lost her. Also, a song leader named Pam who my children adored, she honored there B'days and Christmas and they loved her, including Emma. It pains me also because, at a very crucial time in Emma's life she was overlooked. It was an attitude, I think, that did the most damage to her spirit. Children are very intuitive, they read people very well, and they know when they are  wanted and when they are not. Kenny and I made it a policy to never speak ill, in front of the children, when it came to church business, because that is not the kind mental seed we want them to place in their minds when it comes to the greatest institution on earth, flawed as it may be.  She was a child and to breed bitterness in her would be a horrible character flaw on our part. But there was no need anyway, she knew. She has often spoke of writing a memoir of her perspective of what it is like to be a pastor's child, but in her case not the star child. If you are not church ed, most PK, that is a church term we use for preacher's kid,  are treated like royalty, honored on B-Day, paid special attention too, just treated like they are of importance not like an "alien" as Emma puts it. As we have faced these trials, Emma broke down, and it is very difficult for her to cry because she is very strong willed and determined child. I have seen her have teeth pulled, minor surgery, sprain a finger with no anesthetic and just suck it up. She is just a very proud, self determined "I will  make my own way" person. So as she sobbed, she said, "Mom you always told me unless I had a bended knee to God my life would never work out." She said, "That "place" she wouldn't even say the name,  for 7yrs, they treated Dad like crap, the best man I have ever known they treated me like I didn't exist, the boys like they were demons, other babies could have juice boxes, but not Bella, they threw a temper-tantrum when you had spent 4 days remodeling the office on your own time.  Dad has lost his business..................where has being on your knees got you? Where has being on his knees gotten him? At least if I am standing I can take the punch. I see so many of poor and shameless character, half the man as Dad, prosper, why mom tell me, why?" OK, now I am crying, even now again 3 yrs later, these pains still hurt. As I saw her broken and wounded, I didn't know what to say. I did not know she had felt the way she felt. I was blindsided. Once again, how had I missed it. I had guarded  my own heart from bitterness and had failed at protecting the one I would have laid my life down for. She was just a child and as I sat week by week, being fed the word of God and Him protecting me from becoming bitter,  she sat back in that nursery texting and talking to her friends, feeling more connected to them and more isolated from the church. Something about being in the presence of God, if you truly seek Him, your heart becomes soft and your strong will becomes weak, these issues at the church became small to me, but they were building in Emma.   Which brings me to another regret I have. We went to our board and wanted to bus the 2 young people we did have to a larger young group across town and out of pride our board said no, and I agreed, a decision, to this day, I regret. I should have stood up for Emma. She was my first responsibility NOT that board even if I had to drive her myself. She needed some positive influence in her life to help her with issues Kenny and were not able to connect with her on. She needed her peers, but in a positive light, a group of kids that would have helped her deal with adolescence in positive and constructive ways. I had 3 little ones and you just get overwhelmed. She had no affirmation when she was at church and certainly she got no positive influence at school. So I stand there looking at her like I am completely naked and stripped of everything and should take the blame for where she has been and what she has experienced.The healing would take on many forms of  attitudes, many relationships and many nights of tears and a long time to began to heal in both of us. I think God was teaching me that my allegiance was to Him not a institution or a group of people, I heard it said , There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. And that is how I feel about the church. It is the life line to the world, but it is not perfect. I would not want to attach myself to anything else, or teach my children any other way. It is the hope for their lives. It is the hope for our life, even now with all the loss and all the pain, He is our hope. How God chooses to show himself to Emma will be in His time and His way. And Emma will determine when  God does present Himself to her whether she will accept His invition or not. I pray and stand on the promise that I have instill in her that she will  accept  the healing and freedom that comes along with knowing Him, but I cant make that decision for her.  I know it is a very unique dynamic seeing the people you love hurt, seeing your Dad, your Mom, but we have to come to better places in our  own lives as we bcomes adults or we allow bitterness to overcome our  life or we are  no better than the ones we despise.We were not perfect parents,  Emma was not a  perfect child, but we are a family, and  I love the motto.......we begin and we end with family........