I am not in a blogging mood.

It has been a rainy depressing day, one of those days when you want to lay on the couch and eat junk and not move. Even though you know you need to do something you really just cant get motivated. It's the first week of the summer vacation and we are facing yet another delima. Do we stay in North Carolina or do we go back south. Kenny has yet to find work of any substance to support a family of our size. And we have, basically, ran out of options. About all we have left is to move in with my Dad. I don't mean that how it sounds, but we are settled, the kids love the school, we love our house and God I wanna shoot my myself every time I think about moving!! Dad lives in central Florida,  and I do sooo miss the coast, I am a Florida girl by birth, but I have had such healing in the hollows of these mountains, as have the kids.  It is such a tiring and draining way to live not knowing where you will live from month to month, you can't plan or look to the future or even simple things like planting flowers, which, I love to do, you can't , because at any moment we may have to leave. It is just a horrible way to live. People have suggested Kenny getting re-trained, or going back to school, but we are almost 50 years old and we still feel, even through all the loss and devastation, God has a destiny for our lives and to begin another path seems futile, but then I look at our kids and I think our obligation is also to them and also to my own sanity. But here I go again, and of course Kenny, had to tell, me, I am sticking out my tongue out at him!!! And putting my hands over my ears and humming!!!  "Be sure not to repeat yourself, or use the same phrases",  blah blah BLAH,  I know what is right and true, I have been taught those principles my entire life, but applying them daily and not getting discouraged is another story, it is very difficult to stay encouraged when day after day and week after week you see nothing change, you actually see things get worse. Kenny and I were walking the lake and talking about our year and a half apart, and how difficult it was, but how necessary and how, now looking back, we saw God's hand in every one of our lives working through things that needed to be fixed or accomplished, so I  think we could  go on to the next stage in our families life. It seems clarification only comes AFTER A JOURNEY BEGINS. But what a scary place to be. As we were going through each one of us and how God has done remarkable things in all our lives, I will only talk about me, for sake of time.  As we were talking, if you knew me before 2007, even my most intimate friends, I was a very loyal, trusting, faithful friend. If you get into my heart, you are there for life. I love very deeply.  But I was a very private, distant, for lack of a better word, person. That was actually a complaint of many of my friends, that I never shared enough of myself with them. Conversation was always about the other person. Growing up in a home with domestic violence you always turned the conversation away from yourself. You never want to bring attention to your home, even though I have my own home now, it was a learned behavior that you don't just magically wake up one day and its gone. Unless you have grown up in home like that you would never understand the dynamics behind this. So I had immersed myself in the things Kenny was involved with and with my kids, which I found great joy in. I also had my home, that I served people in, which was my absolute delight. But, there again, the entire evening was about our guest. So I arrive in North Carolina completely separate from Kenny, my own person, I had ran our home, which is a full time job, but I couldn't tell you what a tank of gas cost. Or I had not written a check in YEARS, I had a debit card and whatever I needed, would be transferred from our business to my card I was not responsible for paying any of the monthly bills. . What I am saying is my set of responsibilities shifted in a way that has forced total exposure on me and forced me to step up and use the skills that I had in me the whole time, I just had no need for them. I would have never imagined, in a generation of aeons, I would have been writing a blog about my day to day life. I probably would have called you a liar. Well today, my stats rolled over to 3000. I was in shock. Is this what these mountains have been for. The quiet moments, to reflect, to show Gods faithfulness, to be a witness of Who He is, because I certainly have been weak through this whole process. Has God laid this plan out for the woman who lost her husband and has raised 2 boys and been faithful to God, and yet she is 60 and she has nothing the world would consider of value,  possibly one on drugs, the other unemployed, lonely and questioning what has her life meant?  I am sure of almost nothing and, sometimes, I feel as if I am utterly lost and wandering without any form of meaning in my life, but whether this "truth-telling" has hit it's high point and is now over or whether it is just beginning to help a few of many yet to come, all I can say is what if all the great pains and stressors and tragedies of life are what gives life meaning.  What I realized is that all the grand memories I have were memories of moments, which at the time they happened, were borderline traumatic. I see so many people who sit in churches and have lost any feeling of purpose or meaning.  How is it that we find meaning?  What is meaning?  It may be simpler than it seems, but it may also be much more complex.  It has to do with the most sacred faith that we have.  We all have a core set of things we believe in and those things determine all the rest of how we see life.  If we have become convinced that the value of life is in prestige, then we will refocus our children's lives on the best of education, on the best of clothes, on the best of communities, and that is, exactly what we have done.  When we grow older and realize, like the largest percentage of us will, that we have not only fallen short, but we have absolutely failed.  What then?  However, if God really does value human beings more than all other of His creation, to the extent He would become directly involved in our experience, then we All have been given a great gift to give.  Our sorrows give us the value which binds us to fellow humans, it makes us able to understand their hurt, to hold them dear in our hearts, even to the point we will sacrifice ourselves for them.  We aren't all Lost, we aren't all abandoned, we aren't all forsakened, we Are All being given the experience which will define us!  God is not lost, and neither are We!

Man Of Science Sent As An Angel

I got a call that Isabella's medicine was ready and it reminded me of a very fearful time in my life. We just could not pay for our medical insurance anymore and it had put a dark cloud over me that I could not get away from. I was still of the mentality that my source came from Capital Health Plan and Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts, not Who 3 years later, I have come to realize, is much bigger than all that, God. A resentment and a small seed of bitterness had been planted in my heart that I don't think I even recognized, yet at moments of distress it would display itself. And let me tell  you, as a Mom when your child is sick and you have no means to get them medical care, you can get pretty ugly and you want to find someone or something to blame. Being self employed, we were responsible for our own insurance, with the cost of insurance going up our monthly premium had gone up to almost $1500.00 a month, so when it came to the necessities or our insurance, the necessities were the obvious choice. Isabella was born with a acid reflux, but because I nursed her it did not show up until she was well over 14 months, shortly after I stopped nursing her. The moment I stopped she developed severe breathing problems that none of our local Doctors were able figure out the source of. We were in the emergency room sometimes 2 times a week.  She was probably around 2 years old at the time. As a last resort we made an appointment with an allergist, which made no sense to me, she had no allergy symptoms, she just had horrible bouts of difficulty breathing, with a cough that was the oddest cough I had ever heard. I would sit up with her and then she would get so bad, I would finally take her to the emergency room. At this point she had been living on cough syrup and steroids and, yet, with little relief. The first meeting with Dr. Rand Malone, was so emotional I broke down  and wept. I felt such relief to have an answer to what was wrong with her. It took him less than 5 minutes to diagnose Bella. He said she had acid reflux. I said, "What a stomach problem!?!" He said, "Yes, the acid is leaving her stomach and coming up her esophagus and going into her lungs and her lungs are producing phlegm to protect the lining from damage". The body was actually doing what it was suppose to do. When I was nursing her my milk was a perfect balance and once I introduced foods it was a downward spiral. We finally had our answer. So he put her on medication and within weeks she was better, but her system had been altered and she was on 5 different medications and they were not cheap. And we saw him weekly for  blood pressure checks and weight checks and monthly for blood panel results.  He said she was born without the flap that kept the stomach closed but once she was older we could consider surgery.  Actually he had the same surgery. But all this was very expensive. So the moment when I knew we no longer had medical insurance I went into an absolute panic attack.  Seems like I have alot of those! I thought, "God what am I gonna do". Bella was a very, very sick little girl, when she didn't have her medication. From the time our insurance lapsed we had seen Dr Malone a couple times and had some blood work done, and I had received a bill for around  $600.00. Not only the expense of the medications and the doctors but she also needed a very strict diet, that required alot of time and effort and money, and alot of times, I felt as though I was facing this battle alone. There were many times Kenny was facing  issues about the business or the church and I was dealing with Bella's illness by myself. And once again, I could feel bitterness and all those questions in my mind and heart, God why, why did our medical insurance get canceled? God you knew Bella would have these problems, you knew we needed insurance, why can't Kenny fix this? God give me an answer, give me somewhere I can go to get help, God, just  heal her. And everytime I got a bill from Dr Malone's office, and I had to go in and face the staff, which at this point, it hadn't even caught up (that is, the system had not placed us as being far behind) I felt even more resentment, I felt a little more distant from Kenny and alone. Finally the third month I got the bill I thought God I am going into talk to him. I had awakened the night before and thought, "What if she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs medical treatment and I have no way of getting it for her". I was so mad and bitter, I laid there awake, I don't think I slept more than an hour, I got up and went to the couch, I didn't even want to be in the same bed with Kenny, I know it sound horrible, but I said I would be honest and that is what happened. I thought of all the thousands we had given to the church or to the men working with us and I couldn't even give my own child healthcare. I felt like he had failed me. I felt all alone. I felt like we protected and put everyone before ourselves and our family and now here I was, at three in the morning not able to lay next to my own husband, whom I loved, and I was ashamed of the rage I felt in my own my heart. Finally 7:00 came I got the boys up and got them off to school, dropped Bella off at school, and I went to see Dr Malone. I pulled up and at the same time Dr Malone pulls in next to me. Of all the times to pull in next to the good doctor, today was not the time. Of course I was in a $60,000.00 vehicle fixing to tell him I was broke and not able to pay him $600.00. He greeted me and we walked in together. I sat across from him and we made small talk. Finally I said, "Dr Malone, I am here to tell you I owe you a debt I cannot pay". He got still and I kinda got scared and nervous, so I began explaining what had happened in our business and what we had been going through and I said, "Dr Malone, I am so sorry but I cant pay you the $600.00 I owe. Maybe someday, but I don't know when". He got up and left the room.......I thought ok, maybe I really offended him. He came back in with a box full of the meds Bella and Jesse Cole were taking. Probably 2 years worth. Just the inhalers alone were 110.00 a piece. there were at least 25. He said, "Mrs. Dyer, first of all, my grandfather and my father both were Doctors and I don't think I have ever heard of anyone ever coming in to tell them face to face they could not pay a debt, and I want to say 'thank you'. That touches me deeply. And secondly, God has richly blessed me in my life and  you don't have to worry about that debt. It is taken care of. I have already spoken to the billing department. And thirdly, if ever, and I mean ever, you should need medical care, even if you need to go to the emergency room, you tell them to call me and I will meet you there and Isabella will get the care she needs, and that goes for any of your children. God has sent me to you today to bless you". Can you imagine a Dr. telling a patient that kind of thing? I sat there so overwhelmed, I could not speak, I could NOT move, I was stunned! I just stood and he put the box of meds in my hand and I walked to my truck and I cried so hard I thought I would throw up. I felt so ashamed for my behavior from the night before, I sat there staring at the medicine in awe of the magnitude and faithfulness of God and how weak and small I was, yet how much He loved me,  how He had managed all the minute details of our life I just could not see them.  EVERY detail, a doctor I had met 4 years ago, had been used today to display the faithfulness of God, not the faithfulness of Capital Health Plan or Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts or even Kenny, but someone, He chose to use, to show His faithfulness. It was me who mistrusted, it was never a matter of His faithfulness, it was always a matter of my (war-torn as it might have been) small and weak disbelief. Even to this day, Isabella, nor any one of my children, have never ever gone without medication when they have needed it, that has been 4 yrs ago.

Wounded Angels

The first time I laid eyes on this friend I thought she was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. She has  dark black hair, dark eyes and beautiful skin. She is just a beautiful girl, and she is equally beautifully on the inside, she was raised in a Christian home, in Christian school and a strict home alot like mine. So we had alot in common. We have maintained a friendship for over 20 yrs. She even went to Southeastern Bible College the University Kenny and I met at. Her and her husband are wonderful people who have devoted their lives to the ministry. Not the grand and flashy, but the kind that takes years to see the results from. If you are not familiar with the Assemblies of God, which is what I was raised, it is the domination I have chosen to attach myself to, I feel it is not perfect, but it the most Biblically sound and I feel it is were I want my children brought up. The Assemblies has a missions program called sidewalk Sunday school which is a program that brings sunday school to under privileged children. Instead of busing children into the local church, they bring the church to the childrens community. It is sad but alot of the church folk did not want to  be "subjected" to these types of children so this was an alternative. Most of these children don't even know who their fathers are so they certainly don't know the proper way to act in a church! Bless the hearts of the grandparents, so many of them are being reared by them and not the parents. So what we would do is on Friday evening we would visit the child in his or her home give them their hand out with their scripture on it and make a connection with them and their family. Now understand, we would go in twos because we would be in the very worse parts of town, the drug and prostitute infested parts of town, it was not a pretty sight. But those were some of the most welcoming homes I have ever been in. Those grandparents were gracious and kind and their homes were clean and neat and we always felt appreciated there. Some were not so clean, and some children broke your heart, no shoes, or shirts and mattress with no sheets, no furniture and parents drunk at 4 in the afternoon. But the child of that drunk parent would wait anxiously  for us so they could get their scripture and study for Sunday school the next day. It meant the world to those kids. And it also changed me, it made me a better person. And then the next morning see them at Sunday School which is a truck that is converted into a sound system that we would teach sunday school from. These kids were precious. I can remember Emma just 6 or 7 and she and the little girls were so taken with each others hair, they would spend the entire time fixing and doing each other hair. Kids fit in anywhere you put them, if adult STAY out of their way. Well my beautiful friend and her husband this is the ministry she and her husband had devoted their life to. They had even at their own expense, they both had day jobs, started a church for the older teens and the adults of these children. Well it seemed they just could not  matter what they did get ahead financially. She was a tither, she was a giver and she was one of the most unselfish people I have ever met, I just didn't understand it. The church she attended was one of those that preached week by week the message, we don't buy into this recession, we don't sell our things below market value, we are the chosen ones, we are above that mentality, I don't accept this. She would call me crying and say how week by week she would sit and hear these statements and it was killing her spirit little by little, she would  pray and say God how do I get the faith that my Pastor has, what is wrong with me, I pray and pray, God increase my faith. And I thought as he was making those statements form the pulpit, the majority of the people sitting in  church are the weak and broken and what is the point of statements like, people sitting in those pews losing there homes, good people, people saved by the same grace he is saved by, still losing their homes, still unemployed, it just pokes at an open wound. If that is your circumstance, that is a wonderful things, but lets not boast, at the expense of others. I really had no answer for her, at the time we were still in tact financially, but I thought myself, God I don't understand, the ones who are ministering to the ones who can give nothing, seems to be the ones who struggle the most. But they kept on doing what they felt God had called them to do, that was 20 years ago, and just last summer they married a young couple that had been in Sidewalk sunday that had made a commitment to finish school and stay pure get married and that couple is going into the ministry. So how do you measure success? They lost their home, their vehicles, and they are in a rental house. But thank God that young couple did not lose their faith. This blog so drains me and takes such a toll on me emotionally sometimes I think I just cant do it anymore, but then I talk to someone like my sweet friend and I hang up and I have encouraged her and I thank God, as long as my life is helping someone, even at the expense of a little emotional hurt to myself I will keep doing it. So God, as long as I can do my best to be open and honest to share my life I will continue.

Finally The Meeting We Had, for Months, Been Hoping For

Kenny was finally here and I could breathe a sigh of relief. It has got to be an odd thing to have a woman show up with 4 kids and not have a husband, but claim to have a husband in another state who is a pastor, and even odder, to be doing a weekly television program. And how do you explain our situation in a casual setting, something as complex as what we were going through. I just did the best I could. But I knew it was going to be  hard to process. Growing up in the south and in my home, my Father was very strict about the behavior of how men and women interact. And I am very careful how I conduct myself, even today, around men. You always address the woman and you always befriend the woman, not the man, it is just not proper any other way. So I befriended the women, however, the younger ones (I should say middle aged ones) had issues with me, for what ever reasons, so I joined the older group, which always seems to welcome and become my dearest friends. I think this age looks beyonds the outward and finds the true person and allows a true friendship to happen. So to validate, or prove myself, I was faithful to everything. I let the leadership know that I was a fellow minister's wife who had been in the ministry for most of my adult life and I was at their service. Me and the kids lived almost 45 minutes from the church, and we would brave wind, rain and snow to be in church. It was a great sacrifice, that is in "time", because there was nothing greater in our life than our time in church, but there were times we had just enough gas to get to church and home and no more. I was determined when we came to North Carolina the first thing on the agenda was to find a church. I knew this would be the lifeline me and the kids would need to survive what we would have to face. And we had found a home. The kids loved the Wednesday night program and I loved the class I had found. The only thing missing was Kenny.We would leave church Sunday and call Kenny and tell him all about the service and we were so excite when he was, finally, about to be here. So many things were yet to come together and we felt this was the time and the place. So Kenny sold the last of our things and was finally able to make the long awaited journey here. I cannot tell you how it felt, after all those months of taking the kids to church by myself, to finally have Kenny here and us to be in church as a family.I would sit in church so broken it felt like my chest would explode from the pain. It was like I was mourning a death, but no one had died. I would see families together and I felt like I was being punished, like I had failed God somehow. I felt like I was completely and emotionally wiped out as a woman. I had been the mother and the father for over a year and it had just wore me down, I had faced things that year I never, in a million years, would have imagined. God had been faithful, just when I felt like I couldn't go one more day, He showed up and gave me just enough strength to get through that day. Kenny was finally here, but I didn't know the disappointments we were yet to face.  The church we were attending was lively and vibrant, and it was one of those type churches which had
many, many programs for everyone.  We have known many leaders of churches, many religious leaders, yet I can tell you there are so few who do not have a long line of problems and issues, most of which the congregation will never see.  This does not mean these men are, necessarily, hypocritical or charlatans, it just simply means they are like all the rest of us, they need help.  Some were very bright, some were very simple, and some were simple, but were certain they were bright, but through and through they all wanted you to believe them to be something far greater than they were.  There have only been a very few who were men and women who just accepted and loved everyone and they knew and they never believed they were above,
nor never displayed to anyone the idea they were above, anyone.  The modern leader is, usually, of the sort who believe they are a "special" breed, they are making their way up, they are, in some way, superior to even the laity of their church.  When you find those remarkable individuals who have never accepted that form of personality, they are always the most noble!  They never forget the grace they first received from God, the kindness He showed in accepting the meagre and fool-hearty man or woman who were His creation, yet who lived with great evil in their lives, they could not, and, indeed, should not, ever forget that kind of compassion.  They are the most civil, most forgiving, most noble, most kind, most humble, and most remarkable people you will ever meet, but they, also, are the most uncommon.  We had been excited because the pastor of this church was extraordinary in many, many ways and he had forged a growing and unique church in the mountains.  It is always thrilling to see these kinds of churches and we felt that we were on the verge of leaving these bad times behind and, finally, moving forward again.  The pastor was a very sensitive man to spiritual things, which is also a very, unfortunately, unique characteristic in pastors.  He had, as a matter of truth, spoken to us on many occasions through his honest and sensitive sermons, and on one occasion, had spoken directly to us, from the pulpit, a word which was so very timely to us.  We knew we needed to speak to churches about our hard time and we also knew our message was going to be about "grace".  Let me say something, in case you might be from outside of a conventional church, about "grace".  When the people from churches talk about grace what they are referring to is a very uniquely Christian idea.  It has to do with the very core of God's Nature.  Grace is more than just a kindness, it is more than just God showing us favor, it has to do with who we are.  It, also, has to do with Who God is.  There is such a huge and unimaginable gulf between God and humanity.  Just in creation alone it is visible that God, by shear power and intellect, is something, or someone, Who is far beyond our capacity to understand, but there is something more, He is not only in power and brilliance far beyond us, He is in Honor and Nobility, unlike anything we can imagine or mentally understand.  He should never touch nor mingle with us for all of those reasons.  What He says, however, is that anything He does for, or with, us is a matter of nothing we have done, nor could do, to deserve such kindness, it is an act coming from Him.  Now, how that should translate in our lives is that we should never, if we understand anything about "grace", imagine that we are good enough, honorable enough, or noble enough, to stand in good favor toward God.  I hope I haven't confused the issue rather than defined it, however, if you have known church folk for very long you know most of them conduct themselves as if they have deserved every single kindness God has shown them, how ridiculous!!  Back to my point, as Kenny was arriving we were sure this was the time and the moment for us to be resurrected from this death sentence, therefore, Kenny and I decided to visit the pastor and tell him everything.  He had built a respected and honorable relationship with many, many pastors throughout the region. We were sure this was going to lead to opportunities to begin to start over, or maybe to begin what we knew was our destiny.  The meeting was scheduled and as it started Kenny felt a connection with the pastor.  It seemed to be exactly what we had expected, but suddenly things changed.  Kenny was not sure if the pastor had believed he was not telling the entire truth, if he has said something offensive, or if he had just not been very clear, however by the time the meeting was coming to a close the pastor was beginning to use, what we call in the church lingo, "coined" phrases, the kind of things you tell teenagers who you know are trying to find themselves, a feeling that was confirmed when three to four weeks later the pastor used the exact same phrases from the pulpit in speaking to people who were just getting into church circles or just beginning to understand who God is, they certainly were not the types of things you say to a peer or a person who you know to have been a long-standing leader in the same circles.  It was devastating.  We were not certain what had happened.  We knew what we would have done had we known someone who had been in our shoes, as a matter of fact, we had a very similar situation happen when we were leaders in the little church in Tallahassee.  A young couple had come home from overseas after a, almost, five year stint in South Africa.  They were on a humanitarian trip, yet they had been devastated by many robberies, many betrayals, many misgivings.  When we met, it was with the hopes of  them coming to serve in the church in Tallahassee, but as we got to know them, even though they would have been fantastic leaders, we knew they were destined to return to South Africa.  We spent months making sure we helped them find their bearings and carry on their noble vocation.  They did, indeed, do exactly that.  We were certain we were going to find a friendship and a key piece of our future.  We knew it would take time, there would have to be some time spent getting to know us, some time to fill in a few blanks, but it was sure that all that would happen.  I assure you, it did not.  We were a much a blight to this new leadership as we had been to the leadership we had known in West Florida.  It was staggering!  We never got a text, never got phone call, never got a letter.  We did, almost a month later, get a small check from the church, for which we were so thankful, but money was the least of what we needed or what we hoped for.  It certainly helped us for the moment, but, as most of us know who have been in remote dessert places, what people need is hope, connection, a listening ear, more so, a listening heart, this was left off the table.  These are the times when you are unable to make sense of things.  What did this mean?  What was the point?  We always built our lives on a foundational principle, or I guess I should say two principles, try to Love God first and foremost, which I confess we have failed at, and to try and love people in the same way we loved ourselves, which I confess, again, we have failed at, however, it is not very hard to attempt this.  We always tried to imagine what people were feeling, what their life was like, what their pain was like, and then do something, even a small thing, to connect with and bear under that pain.  We knew this was what we would, eventually, find, especially from people who were those unique and extraordinary types, who you seldom find, those who have known grace and those who live in grace towards others.  We would not find it!  I am sure much of it had to do with our imagining what was suppose to happen next, our trying to figure out what was meant to happen, and "how", it might, also, have been the accumulated time of hardship, none-the-less, it was no less painful.  We had started this journey alone, and it seemed, we were destined to always be alone.  What it may well have been was another of those untidy issues no-one wishes to talk about when it comes to our "church" communities.  We have lots of "stuff" in the churches of America now.  We have what we have called "the best".  We have sound systems, so that we can really appreciate the fantastic voices of our talented church singers, we have softball fields and baseball fields, we have video and audio technicians, just in case we decide to publish our wonderful productions, which, surely, if the world could only see they would flock to our houses of worship and, thereby, see God, what we struggle with is "time", "time" to look for the eyes of the people around us who are crushed and weary, "time" to drop our choir practice to make sure that 19 year old, unmarried, pregnant girl, can have an afternoon, not of counseling, but of companionship, "time" to have coffee with the 79 year old woman who has lost her soul-mate and is, privately, undone.  I don't know everything our modern church needs, but I know what it seldom has, genuine, heartfelt, and unrelenting compassion.  We have mimicked compassion by making sure we have many programs, but compassion can never, ever, ever be mimicked.  People aren't looking for leaders they are looking for what I would call "searchers", people who search out broken spirits, not to help guide them, but to help hold them!!

The Audi That Runs On Wings Of Angels

As parents, we all do things that, looking back, we know were not the best things to do. But when you love something like a child you lose all sense of the good judgement you have regarding everything else in your life. And now in our present situation Emmas Audi is not a car you want to own. Just an oil change is 150.00. Everything is 4 times as much as a regular vehicle. She came in and said windshield wipers are 80.00 each! At the time when we bought the car, it wasn't an issue, because it had a warranty and we never thought we would be in this situation and when her warranty ran out we would either purchase another warranty or she would trade the car or sell it. Kenny was determined, even though we had the money at the time, to teach Emma to work, to be able to take care of herself, so from the time she was 14, after school she went to our nephews salon and sweep floors and paid for her cell phone. So when she turned 16 we bought her car but we never paid an insurance payment or her gas. Even with just a part-time job that was her responsibility. And she was extremely good at managing her money. Emma had given her young heart of just 14 to a high school senior and, need-less-to-say, given their age and the diversity of our families backgrounds, it did not end well. This was a love-hate relationship for almost 3 yrs. It was Emma's first love and she gave her heart completely and when it broke it broke completely, but she sees today that this man was just a boy at the time, and she holds no ill feelings toward him. She says she has never denied his love for her, they were just too young.   So, at the time of this broken heart and while she was trying to mend, we tried to manage our poor car buying choices by making another blunder and buying her this car. It was a long line of trades, all coming from the choice we first made on her 16th birthday. Once made, it is hard to un-do our poor choices!! Back to Emma, they were just kids. As a Mom, I saw a train wreck waiting to happen, and I saw Emma's fault in it as much as the boys, and to this day I hold a very special place in my heart for this young man. I had always felt Emma was safe when she was in his care and he had a genuine love for her. And I saw a tenderness and greatness in his heart that I think he will, one day, display itself as a good husband and father.  I can't think of our past without thinking of him, I can't think of Emmas past without thinking of him. And I did not display the most noble of character myself, there were times I acted out and said things to Emma and this boy that I regret and had to ask both of them to forgive . When you are scared and desperate, and you feel like you are losing your child you do stupid things!. So, when we saw Emma hurt so deeply, we thought maybe we could ease some of the pain, which I know was stupid, but when its your babygirl, you do stupid things, so.......the Audi came to be. We didn't go looking for an Audi, we found it while looking for something with better gas mileage. We were at a used car place in Clearwater, while on our anniversary, and when she saw it she was set on it. It was already almost 2 yrs old. So it was great until the warranty ran out. And just as these things go, the month after her warranty goes out her transmission starts acting up. To compound things, the pain in Emma was what caused her to begin a sad journey toward the days we spoke of a few weeks ago, and she was spending late nights out while giving little or no concern to her beautiful black car. Well, you don't want to know how much a transmission would cost for that car, let's just say a lil more than she or I have (or most family owned banks). I said, "Emma we just have to believe God will place Angels around that car and keep it on the road". It had gotten so bad it would not go into reverse. Emma works in Asheville so she puts 100 miles a day on that car and she joined us here Jan. 2010 and that car has never failed to take her to work. That car has even been a testament to the people she works with. She works for an insurance company, an would you believe they got together (her co-workers) AT THEIR OWN expense and bought Emma 4 tires! Once again God proved faithful! How that car is on the road, I don't know. The mechanic, the Audi dealer in Tallahassee, said almost 2years ago the transmission it was done, it needed to be completely replaced. How that car is still on the road, I don't know. But I do know, the same way Emma, with 4 felony counts, had everyone of them dropped, God smiled on her! The job she got from Tallahassee in Asheville, before she even got here, had over 100 applicants, locals applicants, and she was in Tallahassee!! God gave her that job! The day she came home from work and the tire store had told her she could not drive anymore on any of her tires, they were all worthless, she came home and laid on my bed and cried, and Kenny went out in the yard, secretly in his own hell, as a father not being able to help, even buy one single tire. Me telling her God would provide, but not  knowing how, myself, it could possibly happen. Never in a million years thinking her co-workers,  Co-workers!! Why would they buy her tires!!??
Our 20 yrs old  buying us groceries and helping with the kids fees at school and carrying part of the burdens of our family, not out of obligations but out of love. It tore my heart out. I can say it was a different child than the one who left Tallahassee, Florida. The one that spited her siblings, was full of anger and hostility, appreciated nothing, and carried a dark foreboding with her everywhere. What she has become, since being in North  Carolina, was, really, what she always was, but there was just too much anger and resentment and pain. All I could say was God will provide, but I doubted it myself.  How do you encourage when you are not encouraged yourself. We were all down and discouraged deep in our souls. She was just young and able to express it more verbally and emotionally. I was secretly crying out "God, Emma is going to get so discourage she is going to never want any part of the church and think we have lived our entire lives for something that has brought us to a dead end", and beyond all this she had seen church people at their worst, hostile, angry, bitter, and more troubled than most of the people she knew. She, as many people throughout time, had the mistaken idea that you can define God by his worshipers!  And once again, I heard that small voice, Angie trust Me. But, God my child is hurting, she is in danger. Angie, trust me.  Emma went to work the next day and she called me crying and instantly my heart sank, it scared me, she said, "Mom, everyone got together and bought me 4 tires, all I have to do is go have them put on!" She was crying so hard I could hardly understand her! So I thought of the passage in the Bible that says God will not put on you more than you can take, and I think Emma and Kenny and I were at our ropes end (a theme for us, one I know you are getting very, very tired of), and God provided a way out, through a source I would have never seen possible. How many times do we limit or define God, how we imagine we know all the possible resolutions to a horrid moment in our lives and when none of our solutions work we believe God is not quite as creative as we are.  I know I do it all the time, it is in my DNA, maybe it is in all our DNA, I like to have things planned and organized and I like to know what to expect, I thought, "Maybe I can ask this one to help with her tires, maybe she can get a loan, maybe this or maybe that" trying to fix things myself, but if I have learned anything, looking back on the last 3 years of our life, it has been by NO ONE'S hand, but by the hand of God that our family has been sustained.  But how quickly I forget it  from day to day! As I said yesterday, I am just human and I am weak, and these are very difficult things we are facing and as I spoke of the commonplace, I meet God daily and I face my inadequacies daily, situation by situation. I have tried to adopt an attitude of emotional and spiritual gratitude as a lifestyle and it serves as a powerful antidote to discouragement and a sense of failure. Gratitude focuses on what we have, rather than on what we don't have. It is difficult to accept that God's greatest work in our life might currently be under way in a mundane and un-seen way, one which may well be underestimated by us or anyone else. It is not the American spirit, and it is not the American Church spirit, but it may well be the right spirit.  If, indeed, it is, it should be a great consolation to all of us, knowing the only thing God, really, expects from us is Trust, not ability!  Sounds good, I would really, really, like to be There!!

Summertime, Sweet Summertime!!

I can remember, but just vaguely a committee meeting about families in crisis facing hardship about feeding their kids over the summer. Well, it didn't register, honestly, I didn't even know what they were talking about. So I didn't give it another thought. That was back in Florida probably six yrs ago, way before the financial crisis really hit. Well as we go into summer I can relate to the dilemma of preparing three meals a day for my own kids. I could feed them ramen noodles, but to feed them a balanced meal, cost money, money we don't have right now. But a different stress I feel as their mother. My biggest stress use to be what pool or what week we were going to the St George Island, or what movie or where to lunch at. It is funny how quickly the priorities in your life change. Good or bad. But it also brings out the creative side I think God meant for us all to display. I think our children get lazy and lose the ability to just play and create. Frankly they are over stimulated.  I use to get so "stressed" over the summer and having an "agenda" mapped out for the kids so that we would have an activity planned everyday. I don't know that we spent more than a few days at home the entire summer. It was almost expected, if you were a "good'  Mom in that circle to keep your kids busy the entire summer.  The school and teachers even bought into this. The last week of school the kids would tell what their summer plans were and to be honest I think out of embarrassment alot of the kids lied and made up plans. And then when they return in August they repeated the same process of going around and having the children tell about their summer. I have spoken in earlier post of having anxiety attacks, well I woke up last night in one of those moments, when I felt like I could not breathe and I was paralyzed with fear. I had all the familiar voices, how are you going to feed the kids what the need to eat, Bella needs to be on a certain diet, Wyatt has food tics on and on..... need-less to say the recreations were the least of my worries. I lay there til early in the morning, thinking God, have I not learned anything? I had just written the
Christmas post yesterday! How quick my fear had consumed me. Suddenly all my advice and all the the stories, laying in that dark room seemed like of no help to me. I felt crippled, I felt that old familiar feeling of God you are our only hope, You are all we have. Remember when I knelt, early on in this dilemma in our life, and I said my children would see me display character and integrity during times when it is not so easy to display those traits. Well, I have come to call these moments these days the commonplace, I don't think greatness shows up in a moment I think it shows up in everyday experiences and how we respond to each and every one of those situations,  this is  what the commonplace is, this is life in the making, the routine life, when no one is looking, the unstaged , like the candid shots, they prove to be the most cherished and most intriguing, they capture life. God uses the commonplace to shape our hearts. I think about the fear and pain I felt last night, I know God doesn't take pleasure in my pain, but He does want to see me whole. C.S. Lewis gave us great insight, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, but shouts to us in our pain". We all suffer some form of pain , physical or  psychological.  But will we grow from it or will we let it diminish us? The longer I layed there the more I realized the one who walks in joy has made  the decision to look for God. Joy  rest  on the awareness of God's presence. Joy does not depend on circumstances. It grows out of a relationship with one's God. It is a habit supported by hundreds and hundreds of moments of choosing to look for God in situations when it would be easier to give up. A funny thing, when you chose joy, it give rise to hope, and hope always leads to God. So when we keep a joyful heart, when we chose a joyful heart, it consistently keeps delivering our hearts to God for His work. So I got up and thought God, people save all year to spend a week in these mountains and we are blessed to live here!!! So if we have to eat PB& J, I chose joy and I chose the commonplace of the day to day of making memories with my kids and having you shape my heart and make me the whole and complete person you intend me to be.

The 30' Tree

I have, too many to count, messages sent to me confused about the story I am telling. Let me say again, I am telling my story from the present day back to 2007 which is when this journey our ours began. So if you pick up and read the most recent post, if might be a little confusing, it would make more sense to start at the beginning and work forward. Dec 2010 , I had always "thought" I felt the stresses of Christmas before, but this past Christmas felt like none I had ever had before. We had always had some option in the past. Something to sell or some access to money, but not this Christmas. We were all out out of options, or so we thought. At our house I start getting out my Christmas decorations the second week of November.  Over the years I have collected and I have enough things that I am able to transform our entire home into a holiday story-book. The childrens' rooms even have a tree with there own Christmas theme. It is not the expense that makes this so special, most of which I had found at the end of each year 75 % off, but it was unique to each child's personality. The boys had camo and airplanes, tanks, and all kinds of animals, the girls had pink trees with white lights and delicate ornaments that were all shades of pinks and purples, beads and feathers. I would wrap and store from year to year. And by God this year would be no different. Except one little problem, we  had always had  a real tree and this year we certainly would have no money for that! So as I went about putting the Santa soap dispenser out and hanging the Christmas balls from my light fixtures once again, I thought, God how have I found myself here. God what are we going to do. What am I going to tell my children? How does a parent face their child and tell them they have no present for them. They have lived through this year with us, and had done extremely well, but come on they are kids and this is Christmas, a time when you can dream and anything is possible. I felt like a complete failure. The stress had began to build between Kenny and I and it was just not a good time. You know you go through things and when you come out people say "Oh, praise God!  We came through", but they never speak of the dark and difficult times when you feel like you are losing your faith and your marriage and any sense of what you have believed to be true your whole life. It doesn't make you any less of a child of God to be weak and flawed, I think it just displays even more the beauty in how much we really need Him. So this  particular evening I had just finishing getting all the dishes exchanged for the Christmas ones and I had Christmas music playing I thought God, how about the mothers that face this dilemma every year, not having the money to buy their children Christmas. Even knowing that their were Moms just like me, I still wasn't ready to let go of my pity party! Have you ever been there? Somehow I wanted someone or something in the universe to know just how bad it had gotten! We would not even have a Christmas tree! And everytime I would mention it to Kenny he would just blow me off! The nerve!!! Doesn't he know what that tree means to me, doesn't he know what I have put into all these decorations and all the hours of setting everything up!! DOESNT HE KNOW!!! As the stress built and my anger, bitterness, feeling sorry for myself, however you want to classify it, I thought Kenny is not responsible for my bad attitude or my happiness, only I am. And God if we have to go in the yard and cut a tree down (I meant like an oak tree or something), so be it, we will have a charlie brown Christmas Tree. As I said before, I was determined to write open and honestly or not at all and I am human and I am weak, just like everyone else, and when it comes to my children it breaks my heart. I am no different than any other woman. And them running in from school wanting to see a tree with a present with their name on it day after day had just wore my spirit down. Well Kenny had got a call to do some tree work for a gentlemen who really didn't need it that much he was just trying to help out a little, however, when Kenny got there he said that Kenny would have to go with his wife down to Lowe's and get a new chain saw.  They had said they were going to borrow one from family, but that was somehow changed.  We have a large double fireplace in this rental, only, we had no source of wood and no money to pay for any.  This couple had about ten acres and lots of wood that was down and needed cutting and now they were buying a new chain saw (one we knew they would never use themselves).  We happened to be talking to them one night and we got on the subject of Christmas and I asked did they have any small pine trees on their property, which they said they had very few small trees of any type, but we were welcome to look.  Well, Kenny, Cole, Bella and I took a small trailer, the new saw, and a little determination and when we rounded the first curve on their property we saw a tree that must have been twenty feet tall, however, as Kenny looked at it he realized he would be able to cut the bottom 7 or so feet off and it might work.  We cut it, Kenny and Cole and Bella did all they could to get it on the trailer and after about thirty minutes of hacking and sawing at home we had a tree which when we sat it on our 2nd floor balcony it reached the ceiling-about 13 feet up, but it was absolutely beautiful, at it was absolutely perfect!! We had a tree! The kids and their Mother was thrilled! Kenny had worked and trimmed and had to actually build a stand and nail it into to the floor to stabilize this massive tree. It set the entire mood for our home. We would build a fire and gather around  and the kids and I would pile on the couch and we would gaze at that tree as if was meant for the White House. So once again, God  whispered,  and reminded me, Angie I am faithful, I will meet your needs, you can rest in me. Ok, God I appreciate the tree but we still have a little problem, we have no presents and no money. Me and the kids had a tradition that I would take them to a store of their choice and I would give them my undivided attention and we would make a Christmas list. They loved that as much as getting the gifts! Something about the excitement of the sky is the limit, and having my undivided attention, they just love it. But it just so pained me because I just could not see how we  could get them anything of much value. It is has got to be such a huge burden on a family to spend the entire month of December faced with the dilemma of not being able to buy their children presents. The kids excitement builds at school, through the television, at the stores everywhere you look it is all the "stuff" you just can't escape it.  All the stuff you will never have.  What a disappointment those children must feel when they wake up and find they have a 10.00 gift under the tree. And the parent feels like a failure because they have no hope of ever doing any better and alot of times they turn to alcohol or drugs to somehow numb the pain,  or at least give them some relief from their life. They are referred to as the working poor. So I had to hang my head and  thank God that Kenny and I had come through without such vices, and the kids without bitterness, And we had  been able to maintain our family and the kids would actually say "Mom, God always comes through don't worry". So, as I thought of the families lost and alone I prayed God help our family be a testament to the grace and mercy you have shown us. God through the holiday be real in the lives of a child that may lay alone and have no one, God let that child feel your love for them, and let that parent know their hope lies in You. As I began to to pray for other families a funny thing happen my pity party left and I felt a new sense of strength. My focus left "me" and  turned to the true focus of Christmas, the Spirit of Christmas, a Redeemer for a world!, I looked up at that magnificent tree and something in my soul broke and became so clear..... what if God works through weakness? What if some of our greatest hungers are still to be met? God may be using these to create space in our heart for Himself.  As long as we look to achievements, accolades, or others, or the "rat race" of Christmas, anything but to God to fill this hunger they become your master driving your discontentment and fueling a void you can never fill.  Some many people, myself included, are unaware of, or unwilling, to face the holes in their own hearts, so they wreck their lives trying to plug the gap with  more work, more attention, more power, more things, more.......whatever, God desires to fill the heart spaces with Himself.  So after I had ask God to forgive me, I got boxes and wrapped them, put the kids name on them, and said, "Ok, God you are faithful, I trust You, come and fill ALL the voids in my heart. And fill those boxes with presents!!!" This was one week before Christmas. The next day I got a call from the kids school, we had a package at the front desk, I was excited I thought it was maybe a turkey! So I get to the kids school and I see the most beautiful basket, stuffed full of, not outdated candies and nuts, but chocolates, candies, throws for each of the children and me, specialty teas and a very nice gift for each child. As Jesse  Cole sat in the back seat him and Bella staring at the basket they could not believe it, he said, "Dad, why would they do this for us", he had tears in his eyes, he was so moved. I was speechless. Kenny was speechless. Then  Bella said, "Here Mom is the card." There was a card with a gift card to walmart and Food Lion for 150.00! A public school! "Angie trust me!!!" was what God has whispered that day to me. The next day we got a call and 2 other family members were going to put money in an acct for us, and That day in the mail a check arrived from a former parisher of ours from 6yrs ago!!! "Angie trust me!" So all  that wasted time and all that wasted energy, God had once again shown up.