How Can One Child Change Everyone's Relationship?

We were all friends last year. Well that changed. It all changed when we got a new kid. I don't know if it is his fault only, because the other boys should not have let him change them. But I can understand wanting things and maybe if you are friends then you will not be the one who is picked on. I don't know how a class can be divided, when we are all just kids. It is just cloths and shoes that has separated us. Well, I guess backpacks, expensive pencils and other gadgets too. Expensive basketballs too.  I have a closet full of Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that were my brothers but that are very uncomfortable and I don't like to wear them. My Mom is very good at finding sales. She even use to buy clothes on sale for other kids who didn't have clothes. How can another kid make you feel so bad, when you really don't care , you never even thought about your clothes, all you cared about was being comfortable and shoes was just to keep your feet covered. But now I feel bad., I feel like I am not as good.  I feel sad. Now I think about what I put on. They ask, "Where did you get that? Walmart?"  I don't know what to say, so they say, "If you got Under Armour", and they laugh, "it might help you lose weight", I am embarrassed, but I don't show it. That is not funny to me. Me or my friends don't laugh. The never  let up. I wait til they are seated in the cafeteria so I don"t have to sit by them and have to hear them brag and have them pick at me. It makes me sad.  They do and say things so Ms Northrup can"t hear or see, so I think they know it is wrong, so why do they do it, if they know it hurts someone. I don't think they care if it hurts someone they just don't want to get in trouble. I have never seen one of my friends so angry, he is really a good person, but he couldn't take anymore and he just jumped on him. I hold it in and I get headaches. Sports are not even fun because he takes over and makes us feel like we are not as good, because we have not had private lessons and we are not as good so we just quit and go do something else. If we had custom shoes with our name on them we would play better. I don't understand, that doesn't make sense, isn't it suppose to be fun?  I don't know why they would give up going on field trips, recess, parties, lots of fun things just to be friends with him. Things 11 yr olds do, kid stuff I guess because he has money. But that doesn't make him nice. It makes him treat people mean. I would like him or the other boys even if he didn't have money or they didn't act like they were cool. I guess they don't like us. But I don't know, I try to stay out of their way, avoid them, so I wont be the one they embarrass, or make me feel bad about myself. We have a new girl and they ask her a question and they make fun of her because she has a speech problem. I told her to sit with us and just stay out of their way I don't know why we can"t all be friends and not care what we wear or what we have, but I guess it is too late. I only wish that was all made up just to prove a point, however, it isn't and it makes me sad.  It was what my 11 year old told us today.  For a while we realized he was always having headaches on Mondays, he has always been given to migraines, but it seemed to be some form of stress.  You may remember this is the son who, Jesse Cole, was diagnosed with Dyslexia last year.  The months before he was diagnosed there were two boys in his class who, when he would try to read (of course he couldn't because of his problem-and it was mandatory for all the children to stand in front of the class and read aloud) and they would yell out loud that he was "stupid" and they harassed him without mercy.  The teacher was infuriated, but in spite of all types of punishments, for some reason they would not stop.  His teacher told us, much later, she had never seen, in over 30 years of teaching, a kid with so much integrity, so much determination, but what she meant was even more heart wrenching, because she said regardless of the harassment, the humiliation, the shame,
he had never become angry nor bitter, and he would not stop trying.  He is our long-haired child and she said he would just drop his head so his hair would fall over his eyes so the kids could not see the tears trickling down his face.  Now, a year later, another series of problems.  We didn't have a clue.  None-the-less, is it a new and unusual problem?  To hear it from an 11 year old just may put it in a purer light.  He had no anger, no malice, he was not trying to turn anyone against his tormentors, he was just making an observation.  Is there any of us who haven't been in the same exact place?  Money, power, manipulation, pride!  It comes so early, it comes with vengeance and it comes, at times, with great pleasure, pleasure at being able to feel superior, above the "others", powerful, and it changes everyone and everything around it. There is not always clarity as to where this kind of personality comes from, it may, at times, come from the insecurities of the child, it may come from the mother and father, through either their own sense of superiority or, as is often the case, because there is little time for sons and daughters-therefore leaving all the siblings searching for an identity in any extreme behavior, sometimes it is just, as the old timers say, "in-em", it is just their DNA, their genetic code.  However, it is far reaching and it consumes and alters everything it touches.  How do you address it?  What do you say about it?  It didn't arrive in the 21st Century, it didn't blossom in American affluence, it has been with us since the days of our ancestral father, and it has never been any prettier. Psychologists, Psychiatrist, Professors, Philosophers, farmers, school teachers, the home-less, it is not prejudice and it is relentless.  How does it come to one individual feeling they are above any other?  Is it true?  Are some of us better than others?  The preamble to the Constitution says that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (mankind) are created "equal".  Well, there it is, "created".  If it is true, if by some
chance our modern scientific advocates are wrong, I am not talking about the space and time of creation, I am simply talking about "creation" then what would that statement mean?  It would mean there is no such thing as one individual being superior to another, the essence of humanity would be being human.  I am not saying that none of us have unique and beautiful talents and gifts, but what I am saying is that no matter what we have and don't have we are equal by being from the same source and having been given life by a Designer.  We instinctively know there should be no such points of view, but we will forever find ourselves fighting these ideas.  What I wonder, what Kenny wonders, is how do we move from here?  Do we need to fight?  Do we need to "scream"?  Do we need to start a revolution to subdue such ideas and people?  The only source we trust is the revelation God has given us about Who He is.  If He created us we can be sure He understands us best, He knows our motivations, He is aware of our vices and tendencies.  What did He say about these things?  I am not altogether sure, but one thing I am aware of is that He said, Vengeance is a hollow master, rage begets rage, and that to usurp someones will (trying to force someone to do what's right without them choosing it) is a method He Himself has never used.  What then?  It certainly doesn't seem He wishes us to deny it exists, nor does it seem He wishes us to be unwilling to confront it, or at least acknowledge it, but He seemed to say control it while children are young, circumvent the bullies while you can, but in the end we will all have to face them.  A dear young man we know, a hard working and good hearted kid, lost a great job he had worked hard at for almost three years not because his work ethic changed, not because he lost his mind, but because his direct supervisor had some odd form of hostility toward him.  He was called into the office about three weeks ago and fired on the spot, without any for-warning!  It crushed him.  What do you do?  There seems to be two imperatives and they must work in unison or they fall flat, first, as we submit to God He releases peace to us, He understands rejection and hostility (most of humanity have that form of relation with Him now) but He, also, gave to us even when it cost Him so much pain and even though we were enemies toward Him; secondly, we have to forgive!  Do not deny the problem exists, do all you can to confront it, address it, speak directly to it, but after all is done, usually, these bullies still hold their high ground, at that time there is an absolute necessity to forgive.  It seems that these moments are the moments we stand near to Him.  Jesus made some astounding comments and maybe none are more outlandish than this one, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"
but did He really mean it?  Could He mean it?  Was it just some odd metaphor or figure of speech?  He did not.  First, surrender to God, then, and only then, find a place to forgive.  I would say this is not modern wisdom!!!  What I can say is that after we shed our private tears, after we fight to keep from having a
tissy-fit, we will sit with Jesse Cole and we will tell him we love him, that he should never feel beneath any individual nor above any, but after all that, he will have to come to a time where he trusts God before all else and he will have to forgive.  It seems he already has a strong element of forgiveness in him!!!  O how I wish I could fight all his Battles!!!!

3-2-1 We're Live!

• As I sat outside, avoiding going in, because the pain of going in and facing having to see all my things was too great, I was faced once again, with deciding what was of most value because we could not afford to take everything. I still had a few things in our home in Tallahassee, the short sale was close but as of yet not a sure thing and far from being final. My nature is one of organization and to have the people and the things I love close, so this had caused me great stress. And one day, when I feel stronger, I will tell you the story of when Kenny found me sitting outside on a yard sofa too mentally distraught to enter the house, I had been sitting in 30 degree weather for over 4 hrs.  All my hanging fixtures I had custom ordered, most coming from inexpensive stores where I had found the exact shape and color and design. The boys, fan/light fixture I had hunted for weeks, because it was an airplane stainless steel combination that went along with the theme of the boys love for everything "country" (American). And Emma, I had to have a pink hanging chandelier, it sounds expensive but it wasn't, it was just the investment of  my time, but it was so worth the weeks and weeks I had spent looking once it was hung and her stuff was moved in.  Bella's antique art table I had sanded and her hand prints were sealed in the top. All of these things, thanks to my Dad, were down and sitting in a corner of our  dining room, but I didn't have the space to bring them. I thought God, All my things are of no value to anyone, but me, my style is of an eclectic (a sort of disjointed style of decorating) nature, it would bring no money, but it would cost a huge amount for us to move. Well the Virgina job didn't work out, and the program that had been assisting us with our rent had left Ms.Betty a message that they were out of funds and would not cover any more of our rent and the rent was coming up in 2 weeks. So our only option was to get what we could and head down south and move in with my Dad. I thought back and wondered, "How did I get here?". In 3 yrs. Such a short time! Now, having to be put out of a house when we had already lost a home, been separated, moved in with my mother, moved into this house and now having to leave the few things I had left behind.  I had mentioned in a previous post a woman we had met at a funeral Kenny had presided over. A wonderful woman with a beautiful voice (she was a professional level singer). After the funeral, she came up to Kenny and said my husband is the station manger of a local Christian television station and I want you to call him. Long story short, we became friends with that couple, and their three children, and within about 3 months someone had underwritten, for free, Kenny an hour long, weekly television program! For free! We had felt, for the entire year of 2007, that something dramatic was  about to come to us, a huge and unexpected change.  We hoped it was going to be something with the Church we pastored, but we were really wrong about that.  The moment we heard that proposal (it was all the way into November) we knew this was it. But, this gentlemen, who was such a likable person, made an odd statement, just in passing, to us and I don't even think it registered, "Good luck with all this, everyone I have ever known that has ever gone into television has had great tragedy in there life". Well we kinda laughed, kinda ignored it, didn't really know how to take it, because we weren't familiar enough with any of this to make a judgment either way. We prayed many times to have the privilege to influence many, many people.  So often the modern Church hides away, never speaking to the people in their community about what it is they believe, and today many, many people have grown up having never been in a church, nor having been exposed to anything at all concerning the Scriptures of the Christian Church. This was unthinkable four decades ago, most schools, in the south at least, read the Bible every morning before class (Yes, it is True-a Bible being read In a Public School). We had spoken in that church for several years, but had probably no more than 50 visitors in that time.  Kenny had always structured his speaking for people who have little or none of the Church's nomenclature (unique vocabulary-which makes no sense to most people outside of church circles), but it did little good with average Church folks, sometimes making them frustrated. Mr. Norman, whose funeral this was, had also told Kenny that he saw Kenny in this light someday. It was a strange series of events and how they played out. 2007 things were going great, work was coming in, we were pastoring a small church and they had under written our medical insurance, which was very gracious. Life was good. Let me also say, that because of our business, Kenny and I took a unique stand to not ask for money from the platform of that program.  The business afforded us that luxury. Television has such a negative and cheesy appearance most of the time(that is Christian TV). We wanted the program to broadcast during church hours, so it reached nonchurched people, we didn't feel like our destiny was to the church goers, but to the ones that found themselves outside the church, Kenny's style was, also, very much geared to college town students, professors, and also the ones who had never been in a church.. I have had too many to count, of Emma's friends, call and say, they had been out partying all night and at 11:00 on Sunday morning they had put Mr Dyer on because he was a teacher and he was funny. Kenny was careful to speak as if he was talking to someone face to face instead of this "special"  language we seem to go into when we all gather together, Who is that for anyway? I think it might be to impress each other? So sad. So we did not get money for the program and to this day that program goes out in Tallahassee (and also in Knoxville, Tenn) and, to this day, we have gotten no money (3 years later) from it and we have asked for none, in spite of numbers of our friends disagreeing with this approach. So we were so excited, not about the notoriety, but the opportunity to speak of the hope we had found and share it with thousands of people, that never find themselves in a church pew. So we decided through the program we certainly would get invites to come and speak at local churches, and if that happened, we would have some form of extra income. Another odd, odd thing was that we both, instantly, knew we were suppose to resign the church we were currently pastoring. That took a lot of soul-searching, because even though we gave away most of the money we received from the church, we did have health insurance through them, but we were sure of what we should do and we decided God would take care of the rest. So we began 2008 the very first Sunday, a live broadcast in which Kenny spoke for almost 2 hours!! (Yeah I said "spoke" for 2 hours)He was worried how he would react, whether he would either freeze or turn into some alter-ego, so he over-prepare notes so that

if necessary he could just read them. I am glad to say he was a natural at just being himself and after that first program, which was not recorded at the studio, he never spoke over 45 minutes.  What was amazing was that the very first broadcast was LIVE.  We never edited the programs, even after about two months when we had to stop the live broadcast because of needing to have people for cameras and sound and master-controls, because we wanted it to be real, even if we made mistakes that didn't look good on us(or at least Kenny!!). So the worst year of our lives. In my intro, I said it as best I could. I would see a child arrested for drunk driving, one almost died, our livelihood actually did dry up and die, and Kenny and I would have  our relationship tested and stretched to the max, and thought it was in jeopardy of disintegrating!!  After four months we thought any time the calls from churches would start trickling in, we could speak, they would hear and understand our approach and motives and would help us along as if we were part of their church.
We tried to speak about Baptist, Methodist, Charismatic, and most all types of Christian churches, not just one group and we mentioned them by name, as well as their leadership.  Then came six months, then nine, then twelve.  What was just as ironic was that we personally knew over thirteen local pastors and in one year we spoke at only about five churches (only two of which was part of the group we knew), and this will not seem strange to you if you have never been in church circles, but of those five churches three did not
even take up an offering for our gas or food expenses(That is Completely Unheard of)  1000 men could go to 5 churches, be the worst public speaker in history, close the service, and out of that 1000, not 2 men could say that 3 or less had not even taken up an offering (offering just means any amount the people wished
to give-without the church itself being obligated to anything).  The point is, this was an impossibility, yet one which we managed to stumble into. But, once again, we seem to stumble into the most outrageous, unthinkable of things. Week after week, Kenny would leave whatever work he had, come home, shower get dressed, at our expense, drive to the studio and record the program, and nothing. Absolutely nothing came from that program.   Those are the times, I know for me, I had to continue to stand on the promise that God had made us, because we were seeing nothing, visible with our eyes reaffirm that we were on track. All we had to go on was a hope and a prayer. The studio manger, the other ministers  who had programs would scratch their heads, it just did not make sense. But we would put our last 20.00 dollars in Kenny's truck to get to the studio, because we were confident that God was using Kenny to reach people that the conventional church was not able to reach. I would  get ready and we would make it something we would do together, and I am shamed to say, I got so discouraged, toward the end I didn't even have the heart to go. I thought God, I feel like a complete hypocrite sitting in that studio listening to Kenny, when I don't know if I have the faith in my own heart to believe what he is saying. Emma had been arrested, the money was beginning to go, and things were just getting worse and worse. The ancients would say (by that I mean my
Grandma's generation) You just have to obey God!  It might seem as if we were doing everything right, that we had the purest of motives, that we were straight arrows, that was not true.  However, we did make a decision and that decision was to continue in whatever we felt we should do at the moment, even if it really,
really cost us, we had just not imagined it would really cost us THAT MUCH.

Trails Are An Honor

Have you ever came across someone who is what the kids call a "hater"? And you get all defensive and bow up and your gonna tell that person something and make them see that being a "hater" is  no way to be. So you go about to make them not be a "hater" and make the situation worse, but if you look closely, usually, they are people who have been deeply wounded. I will talk about issues today, that are very touchy issues,  touchy because they will have to come from me, because there is no one else to tell my story. There are different kinds of people who perceive things differently.When you have nice things, drive a nice car, wear nice cloths everyone wants to be near you. one kind of people just want to be near you because they associate nice things with success, intelligence, everything the media says we should chase after. They want to hear your opinion, have you in their group, oh the infamous.... AMERICAN DREAM. Then the other group is the one that says if you live in a nice house, drive a nice car, wear nice cloths, vote a certain way, you can't have any compassion for anyone but you and yours, you need a good lesson, your not 'humble" enough, ...... The "haters," as I spoke of at the beginning, somewhere, most usually, have been mistreated, unfairly overlooked, or somehow have not measured up, or they have worked very hard and somehow have not quite made it. So they see these things as a sign of a very shallow and  privileged person, someone who has advanced without earning it..  Again, I said I would be honest and forth right with my writing because I feel this would be of no value to me or anyone else if I do anything less. We of course had our circle of intimate friends and family, that stood by us and supported us along the way, but the dynamics of the two groups I just spoke of was not pretty as our demise began and until it made its last "ha-rah ha-rah. . The ones that wanted to be near, well these were the first to go. So impressed, they would run up, and laugh a stupid laugh, (I so hated-it, it was so shallow) "looks like the governor pulled up in that Denali", Kenny!  HA-HA I hated it, name dropping  that was only meant to intimidate or make someone feel bad. I never referred to it as the "Denali", I always said, "My truck". We would have never owned a vehicle of that expense had it been on the churches dime, but the business paid that lease, which was a tax write off. So as these people got fewer and fewer, and they would pass me, as I was walking to the store or the kids school, and I would wave just to make them uncomfortable, I realized the problem was theirs not mine. They weren't people who wanted to know anything about me or Kenny, they were impressed with what we had. So when that was gone, we were of no value to them. They didn't want open and honest, they wanted avoidance and wanted me to be invisible, suddenly, we were not so interesting, but I was not going away, my value, my purpose in this world,  had not change the moment I turned that Denali in, I see today my mission had changed, IT broadened. Now to the group that, almost, enjoyed seeing the "things" go, if I heard it said once I heard it  said at least 20 times, "God is teaching you humility, materials things aren't everything, it's God's will, you focused too much on the worldly things, you must have done something to put yourself here, because I am ok. There has to be a lesson here for you to learn. God bless you brother!!", as he looks over you shoulder to catch up with the next brother (one who is now more affluent than you). Let me tell you, these are not the things you want, or need, to hear when you are in  the middle of crisis. There was no listening, no just sitting and chatting, no "real" empathy.  When every foundational "truth" you have built your life on shifts, platitudes are not just hollow, they are offensive.  Troubles in life are one thing, however when the issues deal with the most sacred and sincere beliefs in your life, there is a magnificent instruction in the text of scripture, it simply says, "Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn" or as best I can remember.  It is the most remarkable and insightful of instructions, and, I might say, the most civil and compassionate. Well, looking back now, maybe the lesson is this, maybe my lesson, maybe our lesson is displayed in the simple Bible truths that says, "The last shall be first", Jesus made a remarkable statement, it seems, almost, absurd, He made it in a very clear and vivid way and there is little mistaking what He said and what He meant, He
said He had come to serve!  There is some question as to Who Jesus was, but even the most agnostic of
humans cannot deny He has been the most influential Man in history.  Furthermore, if you believe His is more, that He is kindred with God, God's Son, what a profound point of view.  The Son of God came to serve, rather than be served.  What if this was always His plan, what if this (all our trouble) was all meant?  The remarkable converted Rabbi, who suffered for so many years and suffered so, so much, his name was
Paul, said I am comforted by the One who is the True Comforter.  I know that night, almost three years ago,
when we got the call to go and pick up Emma's car, when we saw the most dreadful moment, I would have
given up my "Denali", my "home", my "stuff" to protect and help her, without a thought.  Would I not be willing to suffer for the sake of connecting with and serving others? I was called by God to serve, since I was a little girl. America is not built on serving it is built on being served and being Master.                                  
I know it sounds odd, but when I realized we were utterly and totally alone, no-one was there, no-one was coming, no-one was listening, and no-one was, even, looking, I heard God speak to me, not in a voice, but  in a deep impression in my heart, that He was going to take care of everything we needed, but He would do it day to day as we needed.  That was really scary, really outrageous, but I can say, two years have passed and we still have what we need, at least through "this" day.  It has not been an easy thing living this "day to "day"  way of life, but I am confident that God is true to His word, He is true to His promises, and our life is bigger than this world we know. What we have built our lives on is very old fashioned, very archaic, but I long ago decided I would focus on His purpose for my life, and that is what I have tried to do, that is what we have tried to do, if we have been wrong how far back do we have to go to find when and where it was? In spite of all of it I still believe what God has promised us and what He has said was our purpose, and I believe He does not lie, and is incapable of it. There is an afterlife that we will face, and this life will seem  short. When Kenny goes in to pray with the kids at night  and I hear Emma yell out, (yes Emma home at 9:00) good night Mom I love you, I have a peace that is not dependent on my circumstances of that day. It is based on knowing things are right where they are suppose to be. Things don't always have to be easy, things don't always to have to make sense, but I think I see this new lot in life as an honor, as if I have been chosen for a moment in time to be a small part of helping others who may be in a dark and despairing place, and at this moment in my life, it is well with my soul.

Kobe, Destined For This Moment

During a very heated election an angry women opposed to my views said, would you send your son to this war!!! I stood there wanting to be civil and represent my opinion in a manner that would represent the character I display in my life that should also apply in my politics, I said yes mama, I would, for one thing,  I have to believe God holds my sons destiny in His hand, well she sure she  didn't like that answer,  and what an honorable and noble thing to give ones life for his country, even my own sons. She stood there, rather dumbfounded, and I  handed her my choice for president button and she just stared at her palm looking down at it, all anger leaving her face. You see I think alot of people talk the talk but are not willing to walk the walk. And sometimes, we go through great pains and lost in our own lives just for a moment of our  meeting our destiny face to face. Sometimes that destiny may be death. With that death, it brings the people around that passing to better places, God uses that life to fill the destiny, the destiny He  had planned for them.  Haven't you heard people say, they felt like a person was on loan, an angel sent from heaven to rescue or bring them to higher places. Nothing does that better than a child. My father and mother got married very young and she to this day says God knew how to control them by giving them me. Because the moment I arrived, they where in church.  That brings me to a very special and dear friend of mine. Today, I dedicate my post to Kobe Kyle had he lived he would be 13 today.. So today I dedicate my post to him.  Nic, we met on a Wednesday night and the next time we were together, she knew all our financial troubles. There were no secrets. When it had gotten so bad, and the electric had been shut off, Kenny had dropped me and 6 loads of our dirty laundry off at her house and  I didn't give it a second thought, because I would have done it for her in a minute. Why I felt the comfort with Nic is the same reason she felt it with me, we were kindred spirits, we sooooo connected on a deep level, we have a bond to this day I dont understand.  What God was doing in her and Kyles life was like sitting back and watching a tragic comedy except it awe inspiring. It was like two kids raising four kids. Not that they are not responsible, they are just all about fun!! But, saying that they have had there struggles and ther pains and many collisions with trouble. Nic so inspires me with her shear tenacity determination and will to see her  family serve God and her marriage be one of greatness.  There was no pretense or putting on with Nic, I could be completely who I am with her and she loved me for who I was. She thought I was great!! And, likewise, I think the world of Nic. And what a testament to the beauty of applying God principles to your life, not rules, or regulations, or brow beatings, but Gods principles, the very best for your life, Kyle and Nics life  has just exlpoded into a testament  of the repercussions of this. Not bondage but FREEDOM!!!    The absolute love of her life was born when Nic was just 17 yrs old. Kobe Kyle Steinmetz. , he was born a healthy baby boy, on June 4, 1998, 2 and half yrs  later when she was bathing him she found a hugh lump that was a rare form of kidney cancer, wilms tumor.. Kobe would go through 3 years of extensive treatments, surgeries and many many up and downs with his health., yet his spirit would never lose it ability to lift up the people around him, most importantly his young parents. They would experience the emotions no parents should have to experience, the moments of darkness, the moments in the privacy of there own thoughts when they had to cry out and ask God why, why our baby, why Kobe, he has the spirit of an angel. How will we survive the lost of him. It is not fair. How do we go on  from here as a couple. The nights laying and watching him sleep afraid to close your eyes for fear he might slip away I can try to imagine what it must have felt like, but I would be lying to say I understand. It is not possible to understand emotions of that magnitude, unless you have also lost a child. So young to face such big and complex issues. If you go to there house ther is picture everywhere of the boy, never crying never frowning always happy, he was a unique and gifted child in the sense he had a joy that his sickness never took from him. Even pictures of him without hair or in the hospital is always cutting up or playing around. The  moment she gave Kobe up was the moment he gave her permission to let him go. You see a Mom never gives up on her child. And the dynamic between Kobe and Nic was one of he took care of his Mom,  they were a team, he was her life line, he gave her a reason to be the best she could be, just as my Mom said God knew how to straighten her and my Dad out, well God knew the way to Nic and Kyles heart, and that was through that baby boy, and his life would lead them to the life, the full life that God had intended for them. Kobe laid the foundation for his sisters today, the life, the good life, his sisters will be the benefactors of, they owe to Kobe. Nic has often told me of the last moments she had with him, when he released her to let him go, and he assured her he was an angel. Nic knew she would see Kobe again. She said the day he passed was as beautiful as the day he was born. Gods presence was there and it gave them super natural peace. She now has 4 beautiful girls, yes 4 GIRLS!! But as I was getting my thoughts for this post my thoughts were on sacrifice and sometimes our destiny might be... just for a moment in time. Everything building for one moment in time! Nic will tell you had it not been for Kobe, her life, Kyles life ,was headed no where fast. the last year of Kobes life she got pregnant and they started to rebuild what had been a very difficult 2 years, but through kobe life they came to know God and the process started. That young couple could have turned to substance abuse or bitterness and allowed his death to consume them and ruin what hope his little life had been and all his pain and all his suffering would have been in vain. Instead through the mercy and grace of who God is and the nature of who He is He has came into this family and transformed it. Through the short and tragic, so it would seem life of Kobe, God has made something good come out of his young life. And I feel confident somehow in his young little life he knew his Mom was gonna be alright. They were tight, they had a closeness that was very unique and unusual, and I think God gave that child a peace that his Mother was gonna be alright. And God had honored that.   

KENNY, STOP!! The Unprepared Photo!!!!

Again, let me reiterate this is my site and this is how I've seen things and how I have perceived them to be. I know it is soooo true as women, but even as I have seen leadership in religious centers (which are supposed to be a spiritual and unique entity) instead of finding what direction is right for that people, at that moment, they find a model and start this quest to build their group just like the other one. So, often, by the time you attain the cookie cutter effect that "other" groups has either changed or moved on to something else. I feel a real stirring in my own personal being to be open and honest about some things today. It seems everything in our lives is somehow staged. I am new at this blogging world so I went to the Internet and started looking. Wow did I feel small and "unfluffy"! I  don't even know if that's a word, but it best describes, the best way, how I was feeling as I was browsing. They were mostly nice, neat, either, little homeschooling Moms or very knowledgeable Bible Women; background music, roses climbing up the sides, links to this thing and that thing, free book offers, oh, too much to even remember. So I narrowed my search to "family in financial crisis", "women in crisis", "homeless families" and boy did a million sites come up about refinancing and loans and foreclosures,  blah, blah, blah.  Nothing really addressing being authentic or displaying  the day to day realities families face living on the edge. And  unless you have been living under a rock there are thousands of families living week to week not having enough to eat with the threat of losing there home, or not being able to pay there utilities, or counting out change to buy gas. I think there is secrecy and shame involved with having to live not knowing how you will survive until the next day, because we have all gone around portraying a life that does not exist behind closed doors.  I am sure it  does exist, but I was not able to find a blog of the nature of mine. Well, back to the blogs I did scroll through, as I looked through them, my confidence growing smaller and smaller, redoing my page over and over in my head, thinking my site (I still feel way to old to call it a blog) will never survive. At one point in my life I had horrible anxiety , about having to stand in line and have people stand behind me, or being in church and having people sit behind me, it all caused me great fear. It was a phobia about people having to look at me. I didn't understand it and there was alot of shame with it, so I didn't tell anyone for years. When I did tell Kenny we came to understand it is called body dysmorphia (of course another psychiatrist term). I was put on medication and, within a few years, my anxiety and fear leveled out and I was able to rationalize and know these feeling where not logical, but the medication allowed me to do that. I don't know that, outside of a divine healing, I could have "talked" myself through it.  We get so good at hiding who we really are, and what our fears are, I think we lose sight of what our gifting and talents are. When you are constantly hiding and covering up you use so much energy, you have none left to put into the things that make us unique, and things that would develop naturally, and flow easily, if left without interference. I am naturally drawn to people, people of all classes, all ages, all genders, but my problem so crippled me I could not do what God had created me to do. I think the beauty in true friendship, and I have very few true friends, is that friends are people who have very diverse talents, and spend their energy drawing from all those talents and giftings without being jealous or envious. So, as I was looking through these sites, these successful sites, I thought back to when I  decorated our 6th Ave house, it was unique to "me". I didn't copy, I didn't buy furniture in sets, and I didn't care if it wasn't matchie-matchie, I decorated to suit my style, to suit my family and make my guest feel welcome and comfortable and at the end of the day I was completely happy with what I had done. My house was a reflection of me and my family.  So often we try to wrap people up in the same type of  package; to look a certain way, talk a certain way , act a certain way, when really that is of no concern of ours, our responsibility is to show them authenticity and let God reveal himself to them, and as He does, these things take care of themselves. So back to my blog, I guess ignorance is bliss, I am so grateful my focus has been on content not on layout, or all the "fluff", all that stuff is fine, but I just don't feel that is my calling, I don't feel that is my uniqueness, so I will continue in the manner that I have started. Those were not my STRENGTHS. The greatest casualty of the endless pursuit  of covering up who you really are is the loss of connection with other people. In our present financial crisis in our great nation, there is a shame that goes along with not having the money to pay your light bill, or have enough groceries, or counting out change for gas. The sadness in that is, if you really thought of it rationally and not with your shame and emotions, you would know there are millions in the same boat, just they too are behind closed doors, barely hanging onto the life they have known. When will we began to open our lives to each other?  As my son said, "Mom what a great country, a country that would buy a kids lunch when his Dad lost his job". No shame, no secrecy, just a fact, this is life.  Is a mans life over when he loses his job, is a women's life over when she has lost her beauty and she is not what society considers attractive. Maybe if we have based our lives on the premise that who we are is dependent on what we do, what we make, what we look like, where we live, not who we serve, how we raise our kids, how we share our lives with others. When we don't let people see our true selves we sacrifice connection, and without connection we struggle for purpose and meaning.             "Mommie you look mean!" I said, "I am going to get mean because your Dad is sooo dead! It just a miracle my mouth is not open and my hand is not giving him and unfriendly gesture. My husband is the worst "Picture Taker" in world history.  He pays no attention, looks away during the shot, doesn't care about color or scheme, and, then says, "O, it looks great!" So here it is.....One of his infamous shots, and I might say, a little too "real" for my comfort, but that is what this particular blog is all about....honesty!

After Virginia, God the Maestro

I made a fast and furious friend the moment I sat in the chair across from her at the middle school, she was on the phone, writing with one hand, and on the computer with the other and communicating with me with her eyes!! Talk about multi tasking!! She does it! Instantly you sense a genuine love for what she does. A sincere and strong and fighter's spirit, but also a weariness from the heartbreak she has had to witness daily. We have become so calloused and judgmental about people on social services, just yesterday on fb people told what they would and wouldn't do,  I sat there and thought, how unqualified I felt myself, even after navigating 2yrs through the system, to even place a comment or opinion. There was a proposal in Florida which would take social services from people who tested positive for drugs. It is a thorny issue and one which sounds so correct when you first hear it, however, I know now it is not quite so clear.  None-the-less, most of the people I have met at the Department of Social Services (that is the people who are applying) are generational welfare adults, who witnessed there own parents with substance abuse, now having children of their own, if we just cut there "funds" as everyone so readily suggested, we also cut the funding to those children in that home, they will be punished also, they will have no hope, there life is dark and sad as it is and it will be one more burden to bear not having enough food to eat. It is true, the drugs need to be addressed, the alcohol, the prescription pills, the meth, and all the rest, but it has to be done in a civil and cautious way. I had the privilege of hearing  Dr. Condeleeza Rice she said, (not speaking about social services, but about America in general)  Yes there are abuses and, no, we are not perfect in America, but if we can save that "one", that is the "spirit" of America. I was that one, in Mobile Alabama. (what she was referring to was her eventually obtaining grants and scholarships and pursuing her education), but isn't that also the spirit of God? Extend grace to be given grace. As I sat there listening to this women I had just met I knew I was going to like her!. We spoke in half sentences, we would jump in, we wasted no time getting to know one another, there was no judgement, she showed me no pity, just true compassion and she connected with me and shared she was going through a divorce herself and was struggling to keep her home. I have also seen the other side of the coin when it comes to Social workers being berating and degrading and making you feel small and less than human. But so often we only hear about the bad and never the good. Well my friend immediately, funny I would call her my "friend "so soon,  got on the phone and started resourcing for me and did not take no for an answer until we got what I needed. And to this day, I still have those connections. I have a circle of 3 friends that if I need anything, ANYTHING I just call. The children's school has become a place of valuable resources, as well, to our family, I don't think there is anything, if I truly asked, they wouldn't do for us. We meet a teacher right now and she drives the kids into school to save on gas, and we still have some nice clothes from the better years, which I give her for her kids and for her, none-the-less, not many people would go out of their way to help anyone, everything is some form of inconvenience.. But so many people are ready and willing and able to go out of there way to cast a judgement or give there opinion on what you should have done differently or what you should be doing now. I asked my friend how she holds up under the burden of seeing such sadness and hardship, she is a social worker in the public schools so your imagination can fill you in, she said, "You just help the one in front of you and then just go to the next one." I think about today as I have my coffee and think about the Virgina job and how I was emotionally flattened I was, so I say "God help me to see today, the people, things, the moments I need to take in and not let them pass me by." I see so clearly now the importance of this blog, if only for myself, it is as though our life, though difficult and hard and "makes no sense at the moment, not until you are looking back", it is like a concert (which we attended for Wyatt's band at school recently), every instrument has been put in its place and the right piece of music on its stand and once it starts to play it like "Ahhhh, I hear it now". All these people, all these things, this house, the kids' school, Wyatt's group of friends ( Wyatt was diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome this yr), these mountains, that Bronco, and freedom she has represented to me, too many things to name. How will I pay the insurance for the Bronco, or the gas, or the lights, the entire nation is looking for work, those things are paid today, so today, I will enjoy the music God  has written for me and my family in these remote mountains, because when I close my eyes, I will lose today forever, and, trust me, tomorrow will come and I will have the chance to face it all again. Today I am grateful God is my Maestro.

The Job That Should have Been

We were down south when we got the call that a job opening in Roanoke, Virginia was going to be available very quickly. Well my heart lea pt, because of my love for country, and Virgina is full of National history and I had considered returning to school to study American history. I have always had an interest in politics and had I not chosen ministry, I would have probably chosen politics. Which, politics, if chosen for the right reasons, is about serving.  That's a whole nother blog! And the University of Virginia sounded like the perfect place. This sounded like the perfect job, one of those we have it the bag kind of things. Fail proof, oh don't worry  it's all certain, we will get the job, the kids were doing the happy dance, we were making plans, we just knew it was a sure thing. Kenny had a friend who had moved up in a national supply company and he eventually became one of three vice-presidents.  He had
known Kenny to be very knowledgeable about the products they sold, because it was the material he used for over fifteen years in the area of construction he sub-contracted. As we made our way home  warning flags began to surround this "perfect" fail proof situation. It was the kind of job which could really turn things around for us.  It paid an extremely good salary, had a company car, cell, and lap-top .  Kenny call the regional manager and he scheduled to met him and his attitude was as though he was meeting him for coffee. It was a unique and new job, one which Kenny had all the qualifications for and it was going to be extremely difficult to find a person with all the necessary qualities, and the corporate office was in an uproar that the position had yet to be filled.  He showed no real concern for the situation, or, at least, that is the way it came across. No urgency in his demeanor at all.  Things already were not settling well with Kenny, the regional guy scheduled a meeting over three weeks into the future, not right away, he, also, was very unprofessional in his arrangements, not common for a man in such a high position in a company.  It was all a bit foreboding,  but when you find yourself in such a desperate way, you get so hyper sensitive that you began to mistrust your own abilities to see things clearly. And through this, I am ashamed to say, I had also begun to question Kenny, and I started to feel like he was already beginning to be negative toward the situation, when in fact he was sensing a problem, just another one of the emotions that comes out of living through a highly stressful period. You just don't come through it un-scathed or unchanged. Even your relationships change, for the bad and seldom for the good. It is up to you to take the best out of both and make those relationships better.  Kenny and I have come to better places because of what we have lived through, but there were many, many times that the good had a long wait before it would conquer the bad.  But, this mistrust of Kenny's intuition created a very tense situation. My hopes were VERY high. No-one who has ever been in these strenuous and profoundly despairing times knows that the expectations become more powerful, when in fact they are just more desperate, this makes the disappointment that much greater. I had gotten to a point were I just didn't expect anything good to happen, and that is NO better. Medical Insurance, company car, phone it would get us back on track. But the interesting thing about that statement, even as I say it, is that I am not really qualified to say what would or would not get us back on track. We lived our life as best we knew how, applying God's principles to our life and honoring Him as best we could and somehow we still found ourselves here. So I find I don't make that statement much anymore. I go back to that simple prayer I committed to God, God I honor Your name, Your will be done in me, and supply my need TODAY, (but I am a slow learner). I recall a situation, very early in our married life, when we had no credit, we had asked someone to co-sign for us a ford fiesta, well they said "no", and we were crushed. We were living in Georgia and I came down to visit my Dad and my cousin Brian said, "Angie, I have an old Jeep, but it doesn't have a top and you probably wont like it. But we can take a look", well when I saw that 1984 red wrangler and he said here's the keys just make the payments, I thought OMG, I could be driving that Ford Fiesta!!! We made that payment faithfully, before anything else, because he had entrusted me with his credit, I felt indebted and grateful to him. I have a special love for him to this day for helping me in that way.  As I pulled up in that bright red Jeep Wrangler Kenny almost fell over, it was awesome!! I couldn't have picked a more suited vehicle for me than that Jeep! Emma  spoke recently of that  Jeep and was laughing about laying on the floor by the heater because all it had was a bikini top, a "bikini" top! There are those memories we were talking about earlier! So I am very skeptical now, about forcing God's hand at anything. Even when I am in my intimate moments with Him, I pray, "God you have our best interest at heart, God you take us were we need to go, You develop in us what needs to be developed in us. Beyond that, we have made God some
sort of servant to us rather than the reverse, that does strike me as odd. Should the Creator ever be subject
to His creation?  What we are all missing is a sense of purpose and usefulness.  When people feel their lives are serving a true purpose they refuse to become too deeply immersed in the dregs of despair, and one thing I know is that being aware of God's calling and His direction, with a certainty, gives you a grand sense of Purpose.
P.S. About six weeks ago we got the call,  Kenny we really need a guy like you, you've ran a business, you know the products, your suggestion were right on point, WOW man YOU would be a great asset!  Bla bla bla  but...... we just don't feel like you have enough sales experience. COME ON!!!!    Here we go again.