The Decision To Go Ahead Of Kenny

The man form Comcast arrived at the door I heard Wyatt get up and quickly join me, then get in front of me, and if you know Wyatt that is very much out of character for him. So, I stood and I heard him in a firm  voice say to the technician that he would take him to the boxes, not to worry his Mom with it. He had just turned 12. My heart sank and the tears filled my eyes and I knew that the children knew we had not hidden it as well as we had thought. At this point the Denali had been turned back in, but Kenny still had his truck and the boat and most of our other things. So I assumed they hadn't really noticed. How Wrong I was!. As I went to my room and curled up in a fetal position and cried out the familiar cry to God what are we going to do, You are our only hope, but somehow, by now, it was only words. But as I sit here I know the beauty of who God is, even though I may have been weak and doubted it, as  my cries went up He heard them and it caused Him great pain. When Kenny got home, I had such a nasty attitude. I thought privately, maybe if He had studied a little less and maybe put a little more into the business or maybe this or maybe that, just questioning everything as we all do, because now my heart was not broke  for me, but now it broke for Wyatt, for my kids. The real ugly was really fixin to show its head. As I made my way around the house knowing the Denali and the cable boxes were just the beginning, I knew we had to address this. So we thought me and the kids would come and live with my Mom for one school year and let everything either go back and shut down or pick up and get back on track. So we began to pray, and long story short, the Friday before the kids started school we headed for North Carolina. That Monday we registered the kids for school. I remember sitting in church that Sunday morning and seeing a couple thinking God I have served you my whole life and here I sit after 24 years of marriage and not by choice I am 500 miles away from my husband, why have you abandon me.  I felt so alone, I have had my own home for 24 years, my things are not with me, my life is in a mess. People greet me and ask me, "What brought you to North Carolina?" What the-heck am I suppose to say? A simpler life, relocating? Me and the kids drove home and for the first time in, I can't even remember-maybe never, we're driving home from church without Kenny. Then I hear from our pulpits the stupid sayings, "I wont participate in this recession!"  I hate all those stupid little whatever you call um, I hate to tell you it was not by choice, I'll tell you that. It is so strange how our new theology uses pithy little sayings to try and enthuse people rather than join in their suffering. I could have said it all day, and I don't think it would have changed anything. But, what a statement like that does is it crushes the individual's very soul, those that are going through difficult times, and they may have no control over the situation they are going through. They sit there week after week feeling like a failure and they began to question there faith and eventually God. WHAT We need to hear IS...something almost unfamiliar in modern church gatherings, yet something which is at the very heart of What and Who God is.  This theme flows through the Bible and is so central to understanding God, but it is left at the altar of "charisma".  What is it that God is looking for?  Does the Being Who created all that exists thrill Himself with our gain in Wisdom?  Is He longing for us to understand His brilliance?  Is He concerned with our acqusition of land and goods?  What often suprises people is what so touches God, deep inside, is something that He goes searching for throughout the human experience.  It is scattered throughout the text of the Judeo-Christian Scriptures, yet it goes somthing like this, "What is it God requires from you? It is a broken and a contrite spirit!"  What consumes God's attention is when He sees someone in the most wretched of conditions, it is there that He resides, perhaps because when we are broken we are as He was when His Son was broken by humanity, perhaps it is because when we are broken we lay aside our proud spirit and turn toward Him, hang our heads, and whisper His name, but what a marvelous idea-God is not searching for our goodness He is searching for our Broken-ness. Not the one who didn't participate in the recession,  but the one who was broken and reaches out to the  broken. The rumors begin, instead of support and love you get accusations and, almost, taunting.  "Kenny and Angie have divorced", all kinds of stuff, it really didn't matter, because when you are in these times you lose a measure of concern about the conjectures and judgements, none-the-less,  Emma and my Brother were ready to fight!  That we were divorcing was the leading, and frankly, the most reasonable, calculation.  Finally I ran  into someone who was a leader, of sorts,  in our church history, and, bluntly, he asked how we were and I  said,  "Me and Kenny are fine, just the  business is defunct, home in foreclosure, and me and the kids are in North Carolina, Kenny is still here wrapping things up."  Well he could not get out of chick-fil-A fast enough. It was funny because those rumors of divorce seemed to quiet after that. Those first few months were very difficult ones, being apart, adjusting to a new home, the kids in new schools, a new environment, lots of changes, but God had so many surprises in store for the kids in North Carolina that could have never been anticipated. I see that now, looking back, I see His divine hand in every step it took to get here. Another scripture in Vacation Bible school, I learned as a child, said God directs the path of the people He loves. It is so easy to testify to when your life is going along nice and smooth, but it a different testimony when things are dark and despairing, and you question the very principle of God's love for me? So much has happened in these mountains that has  been good. I have just enough time to share at least one of the ways God has smiled on us since we have been here. Actually Coleman has his 5th grade party today at 1:00! Coleman started 4th grade at Riverbend, us sensing from the previous 2 years he had been struggling in reading. Cole had an extraordinary memory, we would read a small children's book to him a couple of times and he would memorize it and fool us into thinking he was actually reading it. In Florida they had tried for 2 yrs to figure out what his learning issues were and just could not do it. He was too hard to read.  So by the 3rd month here in NC, Mrs. Ross, his new teacher came to me and said, " Mrs. Dyer, Jesse" which is what they call him, "is reading on a 2nd month second grade level. We have to do something now. We cannot wait for the IEP (IEP an evaluation and help system for children in NC) or the team to assemble it is imperative that we move now, so I am going to, with your permission, start tutoring Jesse TODAY! And I will speak to a teacher we have just gotten this year her is named Holly Cable."  Mrs. Holly, we came to know, was an expert in certain children disorders. I left her so burdened for Coleman. We had faced somewhat of a dilemma at the first of the year with Coleman about his hair. We were coming into a very different culture and Mrs Ross, out of concern for him, thought we should consider cutting his hair. We were new to the mountain community and she knew we were outsiders.  You see Coleman is the middle child and the only thing he truly owned was his long hair! Everything  in a family our size is either borrowed , handed down, used or passed around so his hair was unique to him.  So Kenny and I decided not to make him cut it. This would later turn out to be a profound decision.   Ms Holly  phoned  me and, after a few weeks of evaluation, said that Jesse was one of the brightest children she had ever tested, and she would, if we would agree, on her own time, tutor Jesse, Mon-Thur, 3-4 at no charge. Kenny still remembers the call from this wonderful and unique woman.  He was still in Tallahassee and when he answered the phone she introduced herself he was in shock.  She asked if it would be alright if she spent an hour a day with Jesse.  Kenny thanked her but said there was no way we could afford someone with her expertise, (we couldn't afford someone with the expertise of a goat farmer). What she said next will forever remain in the recesses of our minds, she said, "I will not accept money, I want to do this on my own time."  It was remarkable that she always called Cole her "angel" I am certain it was the other way around.  The will be much more to this story, however I will tell you that 1 1/2 years later he is reading at two grade levels ahead instead of two behind, and reading is his worst subject!

27 yrs of the purest love , The determined love, The shaken Love,The peaceful,

When I gave myself, I gave myself without reservation, I think the way God intended it to be. My father and I had a very unique relationship in that he had led a very hard  life.  Because of this he was overly protective.  He had instilled in me, at an early age (as well as Mother and my Granny) to save myself for my husband,  so when I found the one I would pledge my life to I was lucky not to carry with me all the damage and scars that so often go along with giving yourself casually to so many.  Let's not forget, I left my Father's home and went to  mine and Kenny's at the very old age of 18!! As I was titling this post I spoke of  "the purest love"  this is what I meant, love that had never been spoiled ,  no past pains, seen through eyes of purity, no malice, giving of oneself without reservation, and completely. And this came to be a beautiful and wonderful time in our 27 yrs, but it also made for a very high standard for when  that first hurt pierced that innocent heart. I am not saying, nor implying, that I am perfect, that is not what  this is about, I am talking about rising above what we feel and standing on what we believe and basing our lives on principle. When two people come together they come from very different places and, alot of times, what they value is based on those  two very diverse places. Something my Father was very good at was gift giving and remembering Anniversaries and B'Days. So this was my standard for which I based my premise on. What I had seen him do for my Mother. I was working at the bank and I was a young bride and as the day went on,  as I watched every delivery, every package, just knowing one was for me from Kenny, well to my disappointment and heartbreak, nothing came. I left hurt and angry, how could he forget, it is Valentines day, the day  for lovers, HOW could he forget. But at Kenny's house they  celebrated B'Days with a cake and that was it. He never saw his Dad bring his Mom flowers or give her cards, or, in general, ever recognize anything special in anyone's life. But I was wounded. The question was what was I gonna do with that hurt. That was  a very  light hearted story and I was younge, and I will not take the liberty to share intimate things we have gone through, but you get the jest of how love takes on different forms at different times in our lives...This is where the determined love comes in. Once that  pure love had experienced hurt, it became a whole different beast. It could go one of two ways. It could retaliate, or it could show love even though it had been wounded and it was hard to show at that moment.   The Bible speaks of this kind of love. A very dear friend of ours from college, James Vernon, gave us  a framed calligraphy of first Corinthians 13, as a wedding gift,  and it speaks of this kind of love, what so struck me was the analogy that Paul (Paul was a brilliant Jewish Rabbi or teacher who wrote much of the New Testament) used that if I  had enough faith (that means a deep trust in God's power) so that I could move a mountain, and trust me, as I look out at these mountains that would be a  vey impressive thing, but didn't have love, in the greek it says, "nothing am I if I don't have love", I just love that! The Determined love, goes back to ~ I will not live my life moment by moment minute by minute or I will end my life with nothing of value. I will live my life based on the committed love, the purest love, the determined love, the love I pledged my life to, May 26, 1984, even  when I have been wounded and even when I have been treated unfairly. How often we are hurt or treated unkindly by the people we have given our hearts to? He went on to say that  if out of my mouth I sound like an angel, yet in my heart you find no love, I sound like clanging instruments. So the outside can look pretty and sound pretty but the heart can be very dark. Kenny and I meet couples all the time, when after we leave, we  sense deep wounds that have festered and turned into bitterness. I have a beautiful, genuine, classy, loves deeply, gives herself completely, friend who, right now, as I was consoling her, has issues that have turned to deep anger and resentment ones that should be silly and childlike, that is, if they had not allowed the hurt to make them serious and wounding. We must not let these things take on a life of their own. We must, the moment we hear ourselves say, "Well  you hurt me so I will hurt you" stop and make a monumental decision, to forgive. Without forgiveness, our relationships have no hope. Love does not keep a record. Love forgives easily~The Shaken Love. Kenny wrote me a line that said, "I couldn't be more fortunate, God saw all my pitiable weaknesses  and He sent me a woman of such extraordinary heart to be able to love me through all of them". I say that because I  have also felt that same kind of weakness when he has had to be strong  I got pregnant 4 times in the first three years of our marriage and lost all four. My love for Kenny wasn't shaken, my love for myself was shaken, so at my weakest moment, when I felt I had nothing to offer, Kenny loved me though I was pushing him away. It was an anger I even held toward God for not being able to have a baby. It was a dark and shaky time for our mariage. I felt as though he would better off without me, if he could not have children with me. There were many moments of sadness when I would pray,  "I dont want to wake up tomorrow". Those moments, for a woman, are the moments you have no words to pray you just hope God can interpret your tears. The "Peaceful"?  Well, a baby girl was born and hope for our future. There is something about hope, no matter what your circumstances, your finances, the times you have been pushed under,  none of it matters if you have hope. And Emma Alexandra brought that to our life. That is why we dubbed her the "resurrection" child, because we where dead in spirit, and her being born in me brought life back to us, back to our life, back to our future......Paul said  we see through a mirror now but one day we will see clearly, and when we do we wont see in part but in full, and all will remain faith, hope and love  these three but the greast of these three is love..............

How 6th Ave Began And Now It Ends

A family member let me know that he was going to relocate and his cottage house, down town, was going  up for sale. We, at the time, were living about 10 miles out of town in a very small house, and, although small, I had decorated and poured my heart and soul into it and we loved it very much. So we made arrangements and started the process. It was one of those homes that was two blocks from the hospital and centrally located  to everything, Florida State University being one of them. Go Seminoles!!! So our intention was for me to go in, work my magic, live in for 3-5 yr and make enough money to buy property and build and be debt free so we could devote our time to things we felt of value. We were pastoring a small church and decided to return most of the money given to us as long as we could make do with our business income. So we moved in, put our other property up for sale, and ten months later we were still making double payments and, suddenly, the market started to decline (The commercial construction market as well as the housing market) We just had NO earthly idea how far it would decline before the fat lady sang. Thank God our old property did sell and that did relieve some of the pressure, but the amount of work we needed to keep us afloat and the families of the men who helped us, just wasn't there anymore. There was no option, except to pay the men for labor and materials, pay our own material bills and give no thought to our personal belongings, which created  even a bigger monster....credit card debt. Work shifted and, as the profit margins
fell, Kenny knew it was his obligation to step aside and give more of the work directly to the small group of men who had so much skill and ability, however, that meant we would have to recede. We were not, too,
afraid, however, because the television program started and we knew there would soon be enough speaking engagements for us to bridge the gap, it now seems a frightful miscalculation! I find myself reliving these pains because we received a package, around June of 2009, addressed to Mr.& Mrs. Kenneth Edward Dyer. I knew in my heart it was in reference to our house, my home, the one we have, long since, left behind.. This coming up Aug will be the summer 2 yrs ago my Mom came to Tallahassee loaded me and the kids up and brought us to North Carolina. I cant believe it has been over 1 1/2 years. As I sit here I am  45 years old and I feel as though I am 60 and going in the reverse. All I have left is what I could load on a trailer, a trailer we borrowed from one of the  men a trailer we use to own! A house full of stuff with no permanent place to put it. If I can't pay my landlord next month my things will be donated to some second hand store. They are of no value to anyone  but me.  I read the paper, see the news and there are thousands of families in situations just like mine, I use to give my "amens" and "oh I feel your pain and I'm for you," but in honesty I had no earthly idea what those folks where going through., I had no premise to base it on. And you don't always have to have experienced  something to be empathetic but I think for me a light bulb went off when I saw those papers. As Kenny and I sat outside shelling beans and he was "flirting" with me, watching the kids play, (we had cut bamboo early in the day, because my Mom was going to make the kids tepees) so Coleman was sawing his and Bella was using hers for a baton, I thought ,God if we were asked to leave today, leave all my "stuff" and just take our clothes, ALL that I hold valuable in this world (the people I love) would fit in that 79 Bronco. You don't have to own a home to have an investment in it, you can cut greenery from your yard and put it jars on your table and in your bathrooms as a way of service to your home. Take an afternoon and leave the house as it is, it will be there when you return and don't text or talk on the phone and just watch your kids play in the yard, or watch something "they" want to watch. We have NO entertainment money so we had started planning our meal menus together and the kids pick one meal out of the week and then they prepare it. These things are huge to them and they create the home, not the deed of the property.  We Americans sacrificed our families a generation ago, the old-fashioned idea of Mom staying at home, even though it meant fewer "things", was
shamed by the intellectual community, so we pawned our children off to daycare and nannies.  Now, we have a lot more stuff, marriages which have disintegrated, a new and mutated form of self-centeredness, and
we have made any form of values a point of disdain!  The only casualties in this "New Society" are the little creatures(as the scientist call them) who mill about us having our DNA (because they, according to the scientific community, are nothing more than genetic off-shoots).  It was always of interest to me that a society built on the idea
there is no God would be like (even though we have a pristine model in the form of the Old Soviet Union)
well, we are privileged to see it firsthand.  None-the-less, we can return, there is a greater value in our desperate times than we may be aware of.  One thing I am amazed at is the way our children have, yet,
to be driven into a dark, deep depression! They laugh, they play, they sing, all they really need is their parents. As long as we keep our spirits up they seem to be as happy and fulfilled as if we still lived in that beautiful little house at 1014 E. 6th Ave.  No, all Is Not Lost!!! 

Bathing Under The Water Hose

As I turn the hot water on I had a flash back to the moment of horror when I stepped into the shower on 6th Ave and it was freezing cold! I adjusted the nozzle and readjusted and then... started screaming for Kenny and of course he took every opportunity to "join" me in the shower, of course to help me! What we didn't know was we had just ran out of gas. Our power was on but our hot water ran off of city gas and at this time we were living off of coupons of buy get one free. I sat on the floor of the tub and cried and said God what else, now not even a hot bath. Even those on state aid get a hot bath, so I sat and felt pity for myself and got up and went and laid in bed and thought God I can't do this anymore. I am done I can not go on. The children and I had already came to North Carolina and it was summer, we had scrapped enough money together to get to Tallahassee, my Dad had put the new, and third motor in the Bronco (the one which came
with the truck had blown, then an old NC mechanic installed a used one and it blew on his test drive) and we had an extraordinary string of events which gave us just enough money to get to Tallahassee, headed to New Port Richey, Fl. to pick her up. We where going to Tallahassee!! We loaded up and headed to what we remembered as home, and to where Kenny was. What you have to know is, it was not home as we had known it, we had no furniture there but mine and kennys bed, our flat screen over the fireplace, and the boys' bunk beds. Emma's apartment size frig and her microwave. From the outside Kenny had kept the yards and it looked so nice and manicured when I pulled up my heart leaped and then I felt darkness fill my soul as I realized the truth. Kenny greeted us and reached out and held me as I buried my face in his neck I felt as if i could melt into his flesh I felt weak and spent and old and used and utterly out of sorts. I felt as though we had both faced an army of giants' but I had faced them with no down time , no reprieve, but I had to maintain a balance for the children, because they were with me and they drew strength from me. They looked to me for security, and I hate to say it, but I resented Kenny for that. As I stood there catching my composure I felt equally angry for feeling "all" those things, because I had never been a weak person. I felt angry and weak. As I entered my home, the home I had painted every inch of, it's bare walls and bare floors Kenny had cleaned and dusted, trying to ease the pain he knew I would face, which I truly appreciated. I prayed, "God please help me not ruin what time we will have together by being a boiling pot of emotion and help me have a good attitude while we are here." As I laid there thinking I considered one positive is that we do have air conditioning and, remember, this is Florida. All the struggles of that month and I could take a month and tell you of the miraculous way that monies and food and entertainment appeared on our doorstep, but I don't have the time, however I will share the hot water story. After I ask forgiveness for my bad attitude, collected myself, and came out of the bedroom, we went to the park then shared a "buy a big mac get one free" and a 99 cent sundae, we where hot and sweaty and I asked, "How would yall like to get in your bathing suits and take the water hose and wet Dad and Mom?! Well what do you think?" They had a blast and it was the hit until we left, almost a week later. Later that night, as the kids watched tv, I said, "Kenny I need to wash my hair but I am a little afraid to go outside in the dark by myself, would you like to go outside and bath with me?" Well, running out of gas was the best thing that ever happened to Kenny Dyer!!!" You know we had alot of days living on the edge with no food, no gas, almost no lights, but we never failed to have closeness as the kids made their palettes on the floor and Kenny and I reconnected in the back yard under the water hose. Ironically, Dad had not finished the Bronco and we were not able to go down and pick it up. Our money was gone and we
were nearly insane with worry, just at that time we had a highly unusual and extraordinary turn of events. We had about $25.00 and no sign of work coming when we had a call and by the next day we had over $1,000.00 and
it was just enough to get us back to NC, and have a little to hold us for another two weeks, and, of course, as is somewhat obvious, we did, indeed, not die!! The point is, our attitude made all the difference and when we allowed God to change it, we all had a much closer, and much, much happier, time together.

A Whisper From The Mountains

Mom runs out of the house in a panic toward the road, if she had given it any thought she would have known right where I was. I was just making my way up the back steps to my Granny's back door as my Grandpa scooped me up, "Poop deck!" (a nick-name from my Grandpa) I am thrilled, I giggled with joy! As he would start to drink, he would pick up his old guitar and
begin to sing. It was then he would yell out, "Poop-deck, come sing with Grandpaw!" Mom was, surely, relieved with my safety. My grandparents had a special attachment to me, because, one; we lived 2 houses down and, two; there was a dynamic in my own home of secrecy and deceit. We always seem to cater to, or pay the extra attention to, the child who needs us the most, as with my Mother. I also had very black hair, just like my grandfather, and I loved the biter greens of the gardens, as he did, and would sit for hours and listens to him sing and just loved his very being as he did mine. And every chance I got I would slip away and go straight to his house! He not only bought me my first Easter dress, but, also, the very first bike I got he made payments on and bought, which was a HUGE sacrifice, partially because, he and my Grandmother still had children at home. The day of his funeral they had to remove me because I wanted to be in the casket with him, I had a deep love for him. And that love, as well, for my Granny continued through the years. In these early years my Granny told my Mother she had a premonition my destiny would be to help and serve others. I must have been 5 or 6 when, at a traveling fair, I came upon a trainer beating an elephant, as I was passing going to the next ride. I had skipped ahead of Mom and don't remember exactly where Dad was. As he raised his hand to strike again something in me did not care about my own safety or how small I was all I cared about was how helpless and defenceless and trapped that elephant was! I ran and stood between them and bowed up and said "Don't you hit him again!" Well, the man was not so happy and, let's just say, he quickly asked me to move, which was when my father suddenly appeared, a talent of his, HE DID not LIKE his tone with me; it turned bad quickly! Another talent of his-don't mess with little girl or there will be trouble. I have never been able to stand by and see the person in the room who is alone or trapped or is odd or looks different be picked on or humiliated or not be befriended. It is just not in my nature. I felt a draw to humanity from a small age and it continued throughout my life and up until I met and married Kenny. Everything we did we based on that premise. So here I am 45 yrs old, in one of the most remote parts of country (the mountains and hollows of western North Carolina), a small town, hardly more than a village, no larger city within 40 miles, hardly any cell signal, and with the stigma of an outsider. God how have I found myself here? How effective can I be? I have no voice. I have fallen off the face of the earth. Who can I serve. My very nature is of no good. I invite people to dinner, a free meal, I serve you, we visit, coffee, dessert! (I promise it was not a Amway party!!) Can't even get people to show up. It baffles me? Have you ever questioned your given talents and skills? We all have them. We all recognize them if we look for them. Do you see them but question sometimes God, "how will I ever use them?" I reflect on that Denali and I said I would explain why that truck meant so much more than just a truck. It was means by which alot of people who had NO ONE got to the doctor, social services, immigrations, grocery store, a meal at our house, church. I remember, as we detailed it to return it, I thought we may be broke, but we still have our dignity, I thought about those people and how they would make their way around town. We would be alright, because, no matter what we lost, Kenny and I could fit in just about in any situation, these people fit in no where. It made me sad. So today I am grateful for the these mountains and isolation and I am grateful for my voice, because I am able to share my story and use what God has called me to do and that is serve.

Stuffed Pork Tenderloin and Homemade Mac & Cheese when I feel like PB & J

As I pound my pork roast and get it ready to stuff, sometimes I think, "why do I even bother". Peanut butter and jelly would be so much easier, and peanut butter is a protein and jelly is a fruit, right? I keep the table set with flowers, that who, really, ever sees? We always use my dishware, not paper or plastic, but why?  I try to whistle or sing, an attitude I learned from my wonderful Mother who had also seen displayed by her Mother.  I am trying to hide my fears.  Maybe the kids won't sense my real anxiety. As I pound the pork I realize I am pounding a little too hard, are my hippie friends right? You don't know how many of my, lets just say "liberal",  I affectionately call them hippie  women friends have picked at and made fun of me for years for doing these things, and this afternoon I am second guessing myself, but don't we all? I fix these elaborate meals night after night as some form of "Calgon take me away", do you remember those commercials? Somehow, if I have everything in order, nice and neat, the kids schedule, the dogs bathed, Kenny and my relationship "attended" to, it will make this chaos make sense. Which, in reality, will make no difference. I have had a day of immense loneliness and dispare, even while sitting in my home church. As I headed for church and locked the door behind me, as if I was locking the door to my 6th avenue home and would return to nap,  Kenny's truck would be in the drive, the boat in its spot, and my Denali in the driveway, somehow forgetting we are in a very desperate situation. I had so craved, in my heart, a glance, a smile, any acknowledgment from someone at my church that said "I see you", "I am here", "I am praying for you", "I feel your pain", "your are of value". I don't know, when you get in these situations your perception of things gets so screwed up, and I will tell you I doubt myself almost daily. Our Church here is fairly large and the greatest class I had ever taken in a church, and I have taken many, was at this church.  It was a chaplaincy class developed by the Billy Graham Association. It put into an organized form what had been my nature my entire life.  We talked about he homeless, the broken, the families in trauma, and how we can serve them, it was custom made for Me!  I had been to many classes, many services, many prayer gatherings, yet, today, it was as if not a soul recognized me, not even on a superficial level.  Certainly, it was more my depression than anything else, but it made me remember that Church should never elevate programs over people.  Old time Churches had little money, little technology, little property, yet they lived by the creed, that "loving" people was the sum total of what God is, and, thereby, what the Church should be. It is at the basis for what people always have needed, and always will. Preachers that could barely read was the mouth piece of God. Today we have the most educated men we have ever had and somehow we lack. I made a new commitment, yeah another one, that I would always be sure to search for the people about me who seem disconnected, lonely, or deeply sad and make sure they sense my compassion for them.  I did come to the realization, in spite of the conflict, I still have a responsibility to myself and family, we may be in hard times, but we have not been stripped of everything we have known. We can maintain some form of normalcy in our life, and for centuries hasn't that been what women have done? They have been the strength that has held societies, cultures and communities together, forever, my Mother and her Mother (my granny) and the untold Mothers before us, and not under the best of circumstance. So, if they can do it I can. If I can do anything, I can do whatever it takes to be whatever I have to be for the loves of my life.  It still doesn't change a lot about the way I feel, but life should be more about decisions than feelings.  This sad feeling in Church did, however, remind me of another such
time, it was near the end of 2007. Kenny was presiding over the funeral of a man we deeply admired and
respected, Mr. Norman  Munyon. and at that funeral we were to met a woman who would be the connection, or the link, to what, I would come to feel, would be our demise.

Angie, he whispered my name

"Angie", he whispered my name, and suddenly I could hardly stand, I was dizzy, "You have to drive Wyatt to school."  Kenny had scheduled to ride to Asheville with Emma,well, number one; we didn't have the gas for the beast, and two; he HAD to take care of some business regarding our company back home, Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts, Inc. I was very sensitive over this matter, already, because I get very attached to things, not for the reasons you might think, but for reasons I will explain in a moment. How Kenny came to our business name, almost 15 yrs ago, is it is a acronym. A is for Angela E is for Emma, and K for Kenny, and I always get attached to anything that is close to home, and it has nothing to do with financial issues, so this was a difficult day for me.  Kenny was going to address one of the last things relating to Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts. A few more loose ends and the business was no more. Back to my attachment of things, that business represented our family, our legacy. I have seen Kenny pull out one of our company checks, too many times to recall ,and slip them into a needy hand. It had been a part of sending Bibles and missionaries around the world. It had bought  missionary families, not an ordinary meal like they had been accustomed to, but a meal of real expense to show our appreciation for the sacrifices their families had made. So, no, not just Kenny, I had invested, not by working  but by the honoring of not having Kenny at home and  by being in the background and making things work so he would be more efficient. Also by giving of our monies. A part of Bible history comes to mind, God said pay a man a fair wage. The cries of the men, whose money you have held back,  come up to Me, because they don't have enough to live on. So we always made sure to pay more than the market price. And we always had extremely skilled, loyal, and devoted men, who, also, became like family.This business was an extension of our family. See you don't live your life at church then  live your life at home but then in your business live another way. The old platitude of "Business is Business", which is used to justify deception and greed is dreadful.  It is ironic we are here now, that is, with no "honor" left. The principles you believe in should apply to all areas of your life and we tried, as best we knew how, to display this through our business. So this is why these "things" meant so much to me. I will explain the significance of the Denali at a later time as well. Back to the whisper of my name. The reason I became dizzy and felt this horrid darkness come over me was that I had heard the exact same whisper before. I was awoken March 7, 2008 at 2:17 am with the whisper of my name. "Angie, we have to go get Emma's car." I came to, immediately, not necessarily alarmed. She had just texted me a few hours earlier (a system she and I used). She would text, every so often, and I would go back to sleep not even a mild interruption. So I assumed she was broke down. As I stood, he said, "No she has been arrested." Emma has been arrested.?..... I don't know how, I am not a skilled enough writer to display the emotion I felt at the time, nor even at this moment as I relive it by trying to tell the story.  As I pulled on a pair of Kenny jeans from the floor and slipped on a hoodie we rode to the campus in silence and in shock. Emma had a studio apartment above the garage and we hadn't heard her come and leave again.  I know for sure what we Both were thinking, but most likely it was,  "God what had we missed." I KNOW, at least, what I was thinking, "God what had "I" missed." By the way I have asked Emma permission to use this story and she said yes. She did say she, at this time, does not want to read my blog, maybe someday, but not at this time. As we arrived at Florida State University we saw the lights flashing and Emmas Audi  the trunk open, her beach towel hanging half out, all her doors open, her pink flip flop air freshener hanging from the mirror, one of her flip flops laying beside the back door, and the floorboard covered in clothes. My eyes took me to a Police car pulling away with the child we had dubbed our "Resurrection" child, the  child who came after losing four, the child who should not exist,  being taken to the county jail. As I folded her stuff and placed it back in her car, as if it really mattered, and pulled away I looked around , it looked like her, it smelled like her, it felt like her,  the only thing missing was her. We got home and I sat in her car staring up at her at room and thought I had better call my Mom. The officer had told us Emma refused to give him our number..She said she would rather face the punishment alone than to hurt us in the way she knew it going to hurt us. So once she was out of sight he called us and gave us the option to get her car instead of impounding it. We were grateful.  Emma also declined bail. She said she would not cost us any money. She knew to do right but had made her own decision, she also knew we would not spend one penny on legal help under these conditions.  He said (the officer) I could be at her hearing at 7:oo the next morning. So I called Mom and she headed to Tallahassee to watch the children so I could be at Emmas hearing the next morning. As I sat there I am ashamed to say I had the thought that had I not had other children the pain in my heart was so great that I did not want to live. My own convictions would not and could not allow us to post bail for a child that knew better , but saying that, it did not relieve the ache in my arms to a hold her and tell her we would get through this. As I arrived for her hearing I realized God put so many people in the situations in  Emmas  life, as well as beginning a healing in my own life, but I will stay on track and not share all the details at this time. But as to how God got ME through, you don't appear in person anymore you appear via camera. When he announced  her name Emma Alexandra Dyer (her surname Dyer, given name Emma Alexandra) I remembered how Kenny and I took great consideration in naming our children. Emma being "servant to mankind" as well as 4th generation family female name, Alexandra is derivative of Alexander the Great which is "great leader".  As the judge said this name I died a thousand deaths, and the snot started running, and the whys and the whys and the whys........ God You said train them up in Your ways and when they are old they will not depart from them. This seems like a pretty big departure. As she focused and caught a glimpse of me she said, " Mr judge I don't want my Mom here she has raised me right and she should not be here please Mom don't cry>"  I stand ..interrupt Emma, "I love you!" He says," Ms Dyer don't make admissions!"  "But I did it I am 18 and I have never seen my parents drink and I did it."  "Ms. Dyer Ms DYER!!" He is now standing. "My parents taught me not to lie!" I shouted,  "Emma I'm proud of you!!! "Mom I love you!"  "Mrs DYER, Ms DYER. QUIET!!! QUIET!!!" He looked around the room, it is packed, so he chooses his words carefully, "Could you come up here Mrs Dyer? Ms. Dyer I am going to talk to your Mom and I will get back to you in a moment."   Emma is GONE (the video feed was cut). He told  me to talk to the District Attorney who would be prosecuting Emma for drunk driving (one of  four felonies she was charged with) which at this time I did not know she had denied council. Then he said,  "Mrs. Dyer, by the way, it is quite refreshing to see a young person take responsibility for their actions. I wish you and Emma the best." So I spoke to the attorney and, unbelievably, they released her on her own recognisance. God was working, even then, in Emma. But even more in me. You see from that morning on I began to have crippling bouts of panic and fear attacks. As Kenny and I signed Emma out and I felt her in my arms and smelled the familiar smell of her hair I said, "Thank you God that she had not been killed herself or killed someone else." But I sensed a little bit of her strong spirit saying "well my friends do it all the time and get away with it"  and knew that God still had alot of work left to do in this situation. I also knew in my heart, she would pay the fees, represent herself, show up for court days but I would face the bad attitudes, the "this sucks why did I get caught" rants and I had my own questions of how my daughter wound up here in the first place. So on an inward level my attitude was just as bad, I just hid it better. And we were yet to know how this would turn out and it would take it's toll on our relationship as well. Mine and kennys.