Bathing Under The Water Hose

As I turn the hot water on I had a flash back to the moment of horror when I stepped into the shower on 6th Ave and it was freezing cold! I adjusted the nozzle and readjusted and then... started screaming for Kenny and of course he took every opportunity to "join" me in the shower, of course to help me! What we didn't know was we had just ran out of gas. Our power was on but our hot water ran off of city gas and at this time we were living off of coupons of buy get one free. I sat on the floor of the tub and cried and said God what else, now not even a hot bath. Even those on state aid get a hot bath, so I sat and felt pity for myself and got up and went and laid in bed and thought God I can't do this anymore. I am done I can not go on. The children and I had already came to North Carolina and it was summer, we had scrapped enough money together to get to Tallahassee, my Dad had put the new, and third motor in the Bronco (the one which came
with the truck had blown, then an old NC mechanic installed a used one and it blew on his test drive) and we had an extraordinary string of events which gave us just enough money to get to Tallahassee, headed to New Port Richey, Fl. to pick her up. We where going to Tallahassee!! We loaded up and headed to what we remembered as home, and to where Kenny was. What you have to know is, it was not home as we had known it, we had no furniture there but mine and kennys bed, our flat screen over the fireplace, and the boys' bunk beds. Emma's apartment size frig and her microwave. From the outside Kenny had kept the yards and it looked so nice and manicured when I pulled up my heart leaped and then I felt darkness fill my soul as I realized the truth. Kenny greeted us and reached out and held me as I buried my face in his neck I felt as if i could melt into his flesh I felt weak and spent and old and used and utterly out of sorts. I felt as though we had both faced an army of giants' but I had faced them with no down time , no reprieve, but I had to maintain a balance for the children, because they were with me and they drew strength from me. They looked to me for security, and I hate to say it, but I resented Kenny for that. As I stood there catching my composure I felt equally angry for feeling "all" those things, because I had never been a weak person. I felt angry and weak. As I entered my home, the home I had painted every inch of, it's bare walls and bare floors Kenny had cleaned and dusted, trying to ease the pain he knew I would face, which I truly appreciated. I prayed, "God please help me not ruin what time we will have together by being a boiling pot of emotion and help me have a good attitude while we are here." As I laid there thinking I considered one positive is that we do have air conditioning and, remember, this is Florida. All the struggles of that month and I could take a month and tell you of the miraculous way that monies and food and entertainment appeared on our doorstep, but I don't have the time, however I will share the hot water story. After I ask forgiveness for my bad attitude, collected myself, and came out of the bedroom, we went to the park then shared a "buy a big mac get one free" and a 99 cent sundae, we where hot and sweaty and I asked, "How would yall like to get in your bathing suits and take the water hose and wet Dad and Mom?! Well what do you think?" They had a blast and it was the hit until we left, almost a week later. Later that night, as the kids watched tv, I said, "Kenny I need to wash my hair but I am a little afraid to go outside in the dark by myself, would you like to go outside and bath with me?" Well, running out of gas was the best thing that ever happened to Kenny Dyer!!!" You know we had alot of days living on the edge with no food, no gas, almost no lights, but we never failed to have closeness as the kids made their palettes on the floor and Kenny and I reconnected in the back yard under the water hose. Ironically, Dad had not finished the Bronco and we were not able to go down and pick it up. Our money was gone and we
were nearly insane with worry, just at that time we had a highly unusual and extraordinary turn of events. We had about $25.00 and no sign of work coming when we had a call and by the next day we had over $1,000.00 and
it was just enough to get us back to NC, and have a little to hold us for another two weeks, and, of course, as is somewhat obvious, we did, indeed, not die!! The point is, our attitude made all the difference and when we allowed God to change it, we all had a much closer, and much, much happier, time together.

A Whisper From The Mountains

Mom runs out of the house in a panic toward the road, if she had given it any thought she would have known right where I was. I was just making my way up the back steps to my Granny's back door as my Grandpa scooped me up, "Poop deck!" (a nick-name from my Grandpa) I am thrilled, I giggled with joy! As he would start to drink, he would pick up his old guitar and
begin to sing. It was then he would yell out, "Poop-deck, come sing with Grandpaw!" Mom was, surely, relieved with my safety. My grandparents had a special attachment to me, because, one; we lived 2 houses down and, two; there was a dynamic in my own home of secrecy and deceit. We always seem to cater to, or pay the extra attention to, the child who needs us the most, as with my Mother. I also had very black hair, just like my grandfather, and I loved the biter greens of the gardens, as he did, and would sit for hours and listens to him sing and just loved his very being as he did mine. And every chance I got I would slip away and go straight to his house! He not only bought me my first Easter dress, but, also, the very first bike I got he made payments on and bought, which was a HUGE sacrifice, partially because, he and my Grandmother still had children at home. The day of his funeral they had to remove me because I wanted to be in the casket with him, I had a deep love for him. And that love, as well, for my Granny continued through the years. In these early years my Granny told my Mother she had a premonition my destiny would be to help and serve others. I must have been 5 or 6 when, at a traveling fair, I came upon a trainer beating an elephant, as I was passing going to the next ride. I had skipped ahead of Mom and don't remember exactly where Dad was. As he raised his hand to strike again something in me did not care about my own safety or how small I was all I cared about was how helpless and defenceless and trapped that elephant was! I ran and stood between them and bowed up and said "Don't you hit him again!" Well, the man was not so happy and, let's just say, he quickly asked me to move, which was when my father suddenly appeared, a talent of his, HE DID not LIKE his tone with me; it turned bad quickly! Another talent of his-don't mess with little girl or there will be trouble. I have never been able to stand by and see the person in the room who is alone or trapped or is odd or looks different be picked on or humiliated or not be befriended. It is just not in my nature. I felt a draw to humanity from a small age and it continued throughout my life and up until I met and married Kenny. Everything we did we based on that premise. So here I am 45 yrs old, in one of the most remote parts of country (the mountains and hollows of western North Carolina), a small town, hardly more than a village, no larger city within 40 miles, hardly any cell signal, and with the stigma of an outsider. God how have I found myself here? How effective can I be? I have no voice. I have fallen off the face of the earth. Who can I serve. My very nature is of no good. I invite people to dinner, a free meal, I serve you, we visit, coffee, dessert! (I promise it was not a Amway party!!) Can't even get people to show up. It baffles me? Have you ever questioned your given talents and skills? We all have them. We all recognize them if we look for them. Do you see them but question sometimes God, "how will I ever use them?" I reflect on that Denali and I said I would explain why that truck meant so much more than just a truck. It was means by which alot of people who had NO ONE got to the doctor, social services, immigrations, grocery store, a meal at our house, church. I remember, as we detailed it to return it, I thought we may be broke, but we still have our dignity, I thought about those people and how they would make their way around town. We would be alright, because, no matter what we lost, Kenny and I could fit in just about in any situation, these people fit in no where. It made me sad. So today I am grateful for the these mountains and isolation and I am grateful for my voice, because I am able to share my story and use what God has called me to do and that is serve.

Stuffed Pork Tenderloin and Homemade Mac & Cheese when I feel like PB & J

As I pound my pork roast and get it ready to stuff, sometimes I think, "why do I even bother". Peanut butter and jelly would be so much easier, and peanut butter is a protein and jelly is a fruit, right? I keep the table set with flowers, that who, really, ever sees? We always use my dishware, not paper or plastic, but why?  I try to whistle or sing, an attitude I learned from my wonderful Mother who had also seen displayed by her Mother.  I am trying to hide my fears.  Maybe the kids won't sense my real anxiety. As I pound the pork I realize I am pounding a little too hard, are my hippie friends right? You don't know how many of my, lets just say "liberal",  I affectionately call them hippie  women friends have picked at and made fun of me for years for doing these things, and this afternoon I am second guessing myself, but don't we all? I fix these elaborate meals night after night as some form of "Calgon take me away", do you remember those commercials? Somehow, if I have everything in order, nice and neat, the kids schedule, the dogs bathed, Kenny and my relationship "attended" to, it will make this chaos make sense. Which, in reality, will make no difference. I have had a day of immense loneliness and dispare, even while sitting in my home church. As I headed for church and locked the door behind me, as if I was locking the door to my 6th avenue home and would return to nap,  Kenny's truck would be in the drive, the boat in its spot, and my Denali in the driveway, somehow forgetting we are in a very desperate situation. I had so craved, in my heart, a glance, a smile, any acknowledgment from someone at my church that said "I see you", "I am here", "I am praying for you", "I feel your pain", "your are of value". I don't know, when you get in these situations your perception of things gets so screwed up, and I will tell you I doubt myself almost daily. Our Church here is fairly large and the greatest class I had ever taken in a church, and I have taken many, was at this church.  It was a chaplaincy class developed by the Billy Graham Association. It put into an organized form what had been my nature my entire life.  We talked about he homeless, the broken, the families in trauma, and how we can serve them, it was custom made for Me!  I had been to many classes, many services, many prayer gatherings, yet, today, it was as if not a soul recognized me, not even on a superficial level.  Certainly, it was more my depression than anything else, but it made me remember that Church should never elevate programs over people.  Old time Churches had little money, little technology, little property, yet they lived by the creed, that "loving" people was the sum total of what God is, and, thereby, what the Church should be. It is at the basis for what people always have needed, and always will. Preachers that could barely read was the mouth piece of God. Today we have the most educated men we have ever had and somehow we lack. I made a new commitment, yeah another one, that I would always be sure to search for the people about me who seem disconnected, lonely, or deeply sad and make sure they sense my compassion for them.  I did come to the realization, in spite of the conflict, I still have a responsibility to myself and family, we may be in hard times, but we have not been stripped of everything we have known. We can maintain some form of normalcy in our life, and for centuries hasn't that been what women have done? They have been the strength that has held societies, cultures and communities together, forever, my Mother and her Mother (my granny) and the untold Mothers before us, and not under the best of circumstance. So, if they can do it I can. If I can do anything, I can do whatever it takes to be whatever I have to be for the loves of my life.  It still doesn't change a lot about the way I feel, but life should be more about decisions than feelings.  This sad feeling in Church did, however, remind me of another such
time, it was near the end of 2007. Kenny was presiding over the funeral of a man we deeply admired and
respected, Mr. Norman  Munyon. and at that funeral we were to met a woman who would be the connection, or the link, to what, I would come to feel, would be our demise.

Angie, he whispered my name

"Angie", he whispered my name, and suddenly I could hardly stand, I was dizzy, "You have to drive Wyatt to school."  Kenny had scheduled to ride to Asheville with Emma,well, number one; we didn't have the gas for the beast, and two; he HAD to take care of some business regarding our company back home, Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts, Inc. I was very sensitive over this matter, already, because I get very attached to things, not for the reasons you might think, but for reasons I will explain in a moment. How Kenny came to our business name, almost 15 yrs ago, is it is a acronym. A is for Angela E is for Emma, and K for Kenny, and I always get attached to anything that is close to home, and it has nothing to do with financial issues, so this was a difficult day for me.  Kenny was going to address one of the last things relating to Aesthetic Engineering Koncepts. A few more loose ends and the business was no more. Back to my attachment of things, that business represented our family, our legacy. I have seen Kenny pull out one of our company checks, too many times to recall ,and slip them into a needy hand. It had been a part of sending Bibles and missionaries around the world. It had bought  missionary families, not an ordinary meal like they had been accustomed to, but a meal of real expense to show our appreciation for the sacrifices their families had made. So, no, not just Kenny, I had invested, not by working  but by the honoring of not having Kenny at home and  by being in the background and making things work so he would be more efficient. Also by giving of our monies. A part of Bible history comes to mind, God said pay a man a fair wage. The cries of the men, whose money you have held back,  come up to Me, because they don't have enough to live on. So we always made sure to pay more than the market price. And we always had extremely skilled, loyal, and devoted men, who, also, became like family.This business was an extension of our family. See you don't live your life at church then  live your life at home but then in your business live another way. The old platitude of "Business is Business", which is used to justify deception and greed is dreadful.  It is ironic we are here now, that is, with no "honor" left. The principles you believe in should apply to all areas of your life and we tried, as best we knew how, to display this through our business. So this is why these "things" meant so much to me. I will explain the significance of the Denali at a later time as well. Back to the whisper of my name. The reason I became dizzy and felt this horrid darkness come over me was that I had heard the exact same whisper before. I was awoken March 7, 2008 at 2:17 am with the whisper of my name. "Angie, we have to go get Emma's car." I came to, immediately, not necessarily alarmed. She had just texted me a few hours earlier (a system she and I used). She would text, every so often, and I would go back to sleep not even a mild interruption. So I assumed she was broke down. As I stood, he said, "No she has been arrested." Emma has been arrested.?..... I don't know how, I am not a skilled enough writer to display the emotion I felt at the time, nor even at this moment as I relive it by trying to tell the story.  As I pulled on a pair of Kenny jeans from the floor and slipped on a hoodie we rode to the campus in silence and in shock. Emma had a studio apartment above the garage and we hadn't heard her come and leave again.  I know for sure what we Both were thinking, but most likely it was,  "God what had we missed." I KNOW, at least, what I was thinking, "God what had "I" missed." By the way I have asked Emma permission to use this story and she said yes. She did say she, at this time, does not want to read my blog, maybe someday, but not at this time. As we arrived at Florida State University we saw the lights flashing and Emmas Audi  the trunk open, her beach towel hanging half out, all her doors open, her pink flip flop air freshener hanging from the mirror, one of her flip flops laying beside the back door, and the floorboard covered in clothes. My eyes took me to a Police car pulling away with the child we had dubbed our "Resurrection" child, the  child who came after losing four, the child who should not exist,  being taken to the county jail. As I folded her stuff and placed it back in her car, as if it really mattered, and pulled away I looked around , it looked like her, it smelled like her, it felt like her,  the only thing missing was her. We got home and I sat in her car staring up at her at room and thought I had better call my Mom. The officer had told us Emma refused to give him our number..She said she would rather face the punishment alone than to hurt us in the way she knew it going to hurt us. So once she was out of sight he called us and gave us the option to get her car instead of impounding it. We were grateful.  Emma also declined bail. She said she would not cost us any money. She knew to do right but had made her own decision, she also knew we would not spend one penny on legal help under these conditions.  He said (the officer) I could be at her hearing at 7:oo the next morning. So I called Mom and she headed to Tallahassee to watch the children so I could be at Emmas hearing the next morning. As I sat there I am ashamed to say I had the thought that had I not had other children the pain in my heart was so great that I did not want to live. My own convictions would not and could not allow us to post bail for a child that knew better , but saying that, it did not relieve the ache in my arms to a hold her and tell her we would get through this. As I arrived for her hearing I realized God put so many people in the situations in  Emmas  life, as well as beginning a healing in my own life, but I will stay on track and not share all the details at this time. But as to how God got ME through, you don't appear in person anymore you appear via camera. When he announced  her name Emma Alexandra Dyer (her surname Dyer, given name Emma Alexandra) I remembered how Kenny and I took great consideration in naming our children. Emma being "servant to mankind" as well as 4th generation family female name, Alexandra is derivative of Alexander the Great which is "great leader".  As the judge said this name I died a thousand deaths, and the snot started running, and the whys and the whys and the whys........ God You said train them up in Your ways and when they are old they will not depart from them. This seems like a pretty big departure. As she focused and caught a glimpse of me she said, " Mr judge I don't want my Mom here she has raised me right and she should not be here please Mom don't cry>"  I stand ..interrupt Emma, "I love you!" He says," Ms Dyer don't make admissions!"  "But I did it I am 18 and I have never seen my parents drink and I did it."  "Ms. Dyer Ms DYER!!" He is now standing. "My parents taught me not to lie!" I shouted,  "Emma I'm proud of you!!! "Mom I love you!"  "Mrs DYER, Ms DYER. QUIET!!! QUIET!!!" He looked around the room, it is packed, so he chooses his words carefully, "Could you come up here Mrs Dyer? Ms. Dyer I am going to talk to your Mom and I will get back to you in a moment."   Emma is GONE (the video feed was cut). He told  me to talk to the District Attorney who would be prosecuting Emma for drunk driving (one of  four felonies she was charged with) which at this time I did not know she had denied council. Then he said,  "Mrs. Dyer, by the way, it is quite refreshing to see a young person take responsibility for their actions. I wish you and Emma the best." So I spoke to the attorney and, unbelievably, they released her on her own recognisance. God was working, even then, in Emma. But even more in me. You see from that morning on I began to have crippling bouts of panic and fear attacks. As Kenny and I signed Emma out and I felt her in my arms and smelled the familiar smell of her hair I said, "Thank you God that she had not been killed herself or killed someone else." But I sensed a little bit of her strong spirit saying "well my friends do it all the time and get away with it"  and knew that God still had alot of work left to do in this situation. I also knew in my heart, she would pay the fees, represent herself, show up for court days but I would face the bad attitudes, the "this sucks why did I get caught" rants and I had my own questions of how my daughter wound up here in the first place. So on an inward level my attitude was just as bad, I just hid it better. And we were yet to know how this would turn out and it would take it's toll on our relationship as well. Mine and kennys.

Standing on the Mountain looking in

Coleman came in green eyes shining ,god I love those green eyes,, the only one of my four children with green eyes.! He had scored a 98 in science on his EOG (this is a statewide achievement test for NC). "Well" he said, "Mom that has to be the highest in the country!" I didn't have the heart to correct him. His optimism, that anything is possible, inspired me! My father was the absolute best at that!  He had the ability to make you believe and dream just about anything. And he had the abilities and talents to do just about all of them . There were just so many other issues in his life so I will not get into them out of respect and deep deep love for him, maybe at a later time with his permission. I remember the day Kenny and I drove off the campus of Southeastern Bible College of the Assemblies of God! Wow that's a mouth full! We were packed, locked & loaded, and ready to fire.? Me sitting in the middle of his Ford truck, hand on his knee, his arm around my neck, we also had that shine in our eyes and optimism in our hearts. I look out over these mountains, as I drink my black coffee, in awe of the majesty of the Maker and how small I am sitting here.I never tire nor fail to be taken back by its "wow" factor, even after all the time I have lived here. I tell the locals I count it an honor to live in such an aesthetically pleasing place. As I think of the naivety,  hopes, dreams, optimism, however you want to word it,  I think of my soul at this moment and things that have crept in over the past 3 yrs,the good the bad and the ugly. Every gamut of emotions.. If I were asked where I would have seen myself today I certainly would have been right there on  6th avenue, pontoon boat parked out front, tending to my life. Probably changing the wall color in my living room, dragging home a drunk from the lake, and through this whole process I won't lie we have  asked ourselves, we have asked each other, "What do you think we have done?" And believe me others have had no problem offering there "God lead advice." When the educated ones, who thought they were so smart  and witty asked Jesus, "Well what has  this blind man's parents done, they must have done something to cause him to be blind?" Jesus said, "No they have done nothing, he has done nothing, his blindness is for a moment of glory for God". As we started seeing  our life unfold it was not due to gambling, adultery, mismanagement, it unfolded while we were attending church week by week and praying week by week. "God we need you." "God you are our only hope". None-the-less, we saw nothing change, only digress and get worse. If you remember, I made the statement in an earlier post I was determined that my children would see me in a positive light. Well, as I thought about what to write I really felt this post was meant for the church goer who prays and prays and it seems, outwardly, nothing changes. As I was trying to make sense of "....loss equals punishments" which is not the words of Jesus, I realized all eyes are on us. Those 3 yrs as we were being consumed with loss our banker who was seeing me daily and encouraging ME, imagine THAT a numbers guy encouraging someone who owed him money!!! A Banker, our men, our children, the people we went to church with.The Young kids at Starbucks, too many  relationships and connections to  name, we had been called to show character and integrity in a time when it was not EASY! We would have to live what we have devoted our entire lives to believing, even though around us there was no evidence of it getting better. But isn't that true of alot of things in life. I am committed to my husband, my kids, my parents, my church, my girlfriends, yet there are times when I don't see much good or excitement or a big payday, but I value those relationships, it is the core of who I am, so I am in it for the long haul, whether I feel like it or not. Today, so often, our pulpits preach money and the Cleavers, when so often it is  the Dyers. Crisis comes in all forms, that is what binds us together, not the details. We have to guard from becoming angry at God and the church and find a place of  connecting with people again on a level of sincerely and honesty. A hard  and lonely lesson we have learned. I think, honestly, it is out of fear, maybe they think it will cost them something, something financially. We would have been thrilled with a cup of coffee. I received a very sad text it said , "I have never had much, have never expected much ,never wanted much, but when your little bit you have crumbles.. COME ..ON..", I had no words, nothing to say except God is faithful. God doesn't always work things out the way we want Him to or He would be no more than a magic genie. God's ways are not always our ways but He is always faithful. All that sounds so noble and honorable and I am very glad that I was able to keep my self composed, but in the recesses of my heart a battle of great conflict was going on, it was not noble nor honorable.

Authentic Perspective

There are three things I am deeply devoted to, God, my family and this country. I posted a picture on fb of me standing next to,( in my opinion, remember this is my blog) the best ever former President George Walker Bush. As I stand there on someones else's dime, the dream of my lifetime, I have to think how deceptive  a picture or image can be. You see this reception was 500.00 per ticket and the "Forum" we had attended that week was an additional 1000.00. So, you could say we "looked" the part. But their was also a measure of hypocrisy. May I also say that ole' Texas boy didn't disappoint!!  He was funny, witty, warm, charming and bigger than life, as I had imagined he would be, cowboy boots and all! And, no, he wasn't drunk; actually a joke he used about himself.  This is one of the things I love about him, his ability to laugh at himself! As I look at that picture I have to  laugh; as I mingled with those folk from the upper class, the  aristocracy, it dawned on me I had fooled them. I am very good at looking the part. You see if one woman asked me every woman there asked me, "Oh my, where did you get that coat? Prada, Ralph :Lauren spring collection?" I had purchased that coat at a Goodwill on the way to the Forum. So as I stood there smiling, my secrets went deeper than that London fog jacket. Then I thought backward some months, as I layed awake, dreading the next morning, knowing I had to put my children on as assisted lunch, I cried out, "God, why and how am I going to have any legitimacy? I cannot change who I am, where I came from, or throw away my things. Yet I am no better than the others who find themselves in these situations."  But this is not what this is about. This was about me finding my skin, my place in all this. God meeting with me. "God you have got to give me peace or I cannot face this. And I can tell you it was not a matter of pride. I could not stress and scrape daily for their lunch needs anymore. And I would willingly be humiliated and degraded for them. "God if I show up looking like I look they will assume I am a fraud, If I go "staged", looking different than  who I am, I am a fraud. Please help me! I am so conflicted and torn." As I tossed and turned and morning came, it came to me that the unadulterated truth would be the absolute best. So I got dressed, as if I were meeting Friends for lunch, and sat down and told that state worker our story, the truth. She stood up, came round the other side of her desk, and sat  knee to knee with me, and held my hand, and said it was done. If their was anything I needed just call her. She was the HEAD of the entire county. The lady I was to see had called in sick. God had smiled on me that day. So from that day forth I realized I would be who I am, which is why I dress, everyday, the way I do, not for show, or appointments, or Kenny, but because I love to. I will maintain my dignity and my uniqueness even though my circumstances may not support it. I had developed these traits and characteristics long before I came here and I will take them with me when I leave. I have made connections with  social service workers that, to this day, have become very dear friends of mine, despite the fact that I didnt convert or become something I am not. That seems to be the thing they love the most about me. They have been one more foundational stone layed in holding up our family by this great nation that I proudly call my own. Wyatt and I were riding alone one day and he was staring out the window and he said,  "Mom  this is a great country", I said,  "Yes son it is", then he said, "Mom a kid's dad can lose his business and this country will buy that kid's lunch". I had to focus and keep looking out the window and hold my composure because I was so moved. Instead of shame and embarrassed it was pride and thankfulness. We get so tangled up in our own pride and  what we think we are owed sometimes we lose sight of how fortunate and blessed we are. He came home one day speaking of an instrument he needed and instantly my stomach went into knots and before I spoke I thought Angie think before you speak, so I said "Wyatt do they rent instruments?" He said' "Oh don't worry Mom I told Mr. Teague that we had fallen on hard times and we would have to borrow one."  I said, "Wyatt. Did you ask him this in private?" He said, "Well, no, no big deal mom every family has problems!" Well there you go, once again outta the mouth of a babe! So as I took that word of wisdom from my 13 year old son I realized who I am is not based on the amount on my debit card, my value lies in my children, how I serve my family, the class with which I carry myself, the compassion I extend to others, the way I open my home and  make it loving and warm, that is who I am, not that London Fog jacket or even that $1000.00 ticket, but who I am on the inside and how that displays itself through the people I love and the ones who come in contact with me. So I remembered that strange moment when the highly educated scribe (a highly educated linguist) asked Jesus the most earnest and prevalent question of all the Jewish Academies, and, according to my husband, there were
over 400 in Jerusalem alone (the 2 greatest Hillel's and Gamaliel's) "What is The Greatest commandment?"  If Jesus was the highest authority on such issues, His response was very, very important.  He said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Then he expanded and said, "The second is like the first, Love your neighbor as you love yourself."  That is very interesting, however I am convinced that in the Church in our generation, as it has been in most, we obey neither of these two.  We have good thoughts about people, we wish them well, we even take time to breathe a prayer for them, sometimes consistently,
but loving our neighbor as ourself is one we cannot, truly, fathom.  It means things we don't really want to consider.  Do we pray for the promotion so we advance or do we pray equally, and with sincerity, for our co-worker?  I will relate to you, it happens, almost, never.  What is even just as fascinating is considering that God loved us in a way that brought Him extraordinary pain, in essence, He loved others at His own expense!  A lifetime well spent would be one seeking these two grand moral themes, whether we ever gained or lost anything else. Finally, there is country.  It is a terrible time we live in when bitterness toward our nation is common and approved.  However, what democracy is about, at least American democracy, is a government built on the premise of equality.  The preamble says, since we all were created equal, and there is the underpinning.  If we were created, there is, by nature of creation, an inherent equality amongst mankind.  Our government went beyond and tried to establish just enough government to keep the peace and protect the citizens and then stay well away from the individual.  That means the remainder of our lives is at our freedom and disposal.  We can travel where we wish, follow the vocation we wish, marry the man or woman we wish, and experience a freedom untouched by the powers at be.  Any other form of government has been, at best, a far second, and at worst a tyrannical and despotic nightmare.  Abraham Lincoln once said, "I like to see a man proud of the place (the land) in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place (the land) will be proud of him."  Well, there it is, (1)God, (2)We begin and end with family, (3)Love for country.

Embarassed but I am jealeous

I had a friend call and say her husband said the oddest thing to her. He blurted out he was jealous of their kids. Then his face got red and he turned and left the room. She said she stood there with their 7 mth old on her hip, her breast still wet from nursing, dumbfounded! What do you mean, Jealous of the kids! Her first instinct as a woman, as a mother, was to go after him and say baby what is wrong, what are you talking about, but as she stood there tired and her mind racing with the million and one things she had to do and then  she glanced  in the mirror and saw her appearance was unkept, her body soft from having "his" children, roots that needed coloring, clothes that needed updating, her softness, her loving nature, her kindness toward him suddenly turned into Beelzebub ()Biblical term Satan's senior devil! We met for coffee and she drug her lil brew of yuggins into the coffee shop and I thought "Thank you Jesus" because I was left to just one at home. So I came looking all cute and Isabella dressed and looking cute as well! Shame on me!!! I know! In honesty,  I went out, embraced her, helped her unload, and we began to back track through what had been the last 10 yrs and 4 children. Mind you, as the children cleared out the coffee shop for us and as she wept  I reflected myself. We use to tease that the Tallahassee Democrat was going to read ....local  TV personality was caught cheating. See I think women and men alike use the word "busy" when I think the correct word is "environment". We had 4 kids, a  Commercial Construction Company, a full time Pastorate and a weekly  television Program.  And at the time Kenny was learning Greek. So,  yes we were busy, but our environment, my environment especially, was not conducive to being Kennys  "girlfriend" for the day, as I called myself. What we would do is, sometimes a couple times a month, rent a hotel for the morning or if time permitting the day. We would meet there, check in, and then leave the same day. As we would exit, holding hands, laughing looking refreshed and in love you can imagine what they were thinking. It was so forbidden and exciting! And as a women it completely changed my surrounding and it gave Kenny my undivided attention. My softness of body, or uncolored hair, or out dated clothes seemed so much better in the confines of that hotel room. And wow, what a sweet and soft and gentle spirit I would get out of Tom, AKA Kenny, with a little bit of "petting". I say "petting" when he says I am not paying enough attention to him, "Awwe, am I not petting you enough!"  Evil I know! lol! As I consoled her I had to be honest with her, that is if I was truly her friend and loved her and if I believed what I stood for, which is the fullness of what our lives as women should be. And here is what I think. What I have observed in the church and outside the church. We meet our men and they are the center of what we do. In the back of our minds we dress for them, we care what they think,  Kenny says, "Woman, why don't you laugh at what I say anymore? You use to laugh at everything I said!"  We consider what they like to eat, watch movies they prefer we watch sports.and cant get enough of each other. And lets not forget ladies the physical attention we gave them. Then life happens and, in our defense, we go into a different mode, which is a wonderful and beautiful mode, but a different mode, Mom. And our Husband, our "boyfriend" our "lovers" become, well, somewhere in the background. And I just bluntly said, "You  better be glad he was able to tell you because what he really is saying is ..... I miss you, I need you. And I would be willing to do anything to get you back." It is an odd dynamic because a man loves his child and to resent something you love is a very hard  thing to deal with. But that child has, in essence, taken your body, your breast, your time, your emotions, just about every ounce of you. Men need that physical affection from the woman in their life on such a deeper level than merely physically. Their strength comes from the  relationship they have with the woman in their life and when that is threatened it effects everything. When Kenny and I meet couples and they are very critical and abrasive toward each other it is always a very good sign that their is trouble in those areas. And it is usually not very long we hear they are separated. A couple can face crisis, loss of a home, death of a child even past affairs if they nurture and put their relationship above all others. And never allow bitterness to creep in.  As she sat their quiet her baby asleep in my arms tears in her eyes I knew her husband adored her which made it even that much more my responsibility to be as honest as I could be,it wasn't about her hair her cloths her soft body, it was about him wanting to be close to her. I have a cousin who was feeling less than attractive in her sweats, slightly heavier body and her husband said, I wont name her .... "you turn me on when you bend over to get the biscuits outta that oven!!" Men are not concerned with all the things we are concerned with as women, they just want to feel like they still have that "girlfriend" Well to end the story, I told her to be his "girlfriend" for one week. Just one week. OMG OMG OMG. Yes I said that 3 times. She never touched another dinner dish, scheduled another hair appointment, loves her soft body, finds love notes in her outdated  cloths...... Trust me we will address the men another blog ; //