Standing on the Mountain looking in

Coleman came in green eyes shining ,god I love those green eyes,, the only one of my four children with green eyes.! He had scored a 98 in science on his EOG (this is a statewide achievement test for NC). "Well" he said, "Mom that has to be the highest in the country!" I didn't have the heart to correct him. His optimism, that anything is possible, inspired me! My father was the absolute best at that!  He had the ability to make you believe and dream just about anything. And he had the abilities and talents to do just about all of them . There were just so many other issues in his life so I will not get into them out of respect and deep deep love for him, maybe at a later time with his permission. I remember the day Kenny and I drove off the campus of Southeastern Bible College of the Assemblies of God! Wow that's a mouth full! We were packed, locked & loaded, and ready to fire.? Me sitting in the middle of his Ford truck, hand on his knee, his arm around my neck, we also had that shine in our eyes and optimism in our hearts. I look out over these mountains, as I drink my black coffee, in awe of the majesty of the Maker and how small I am sitting here.I never tire nor fail to be taken back by its "wow" factor, even after all the time I have lived here. I tell the locals I count it an honor to live in such an aesthetically pleasing place. As I think of the naivety,  hopes, dreams, optimism, however you want to word it,  I think of my soul at this moment and things that have crept in over the past 3 yrs,the good the bad and the ugly. Every gamut of emotions.. If I were asked where I would have seen myself today I certainly would have been right there on  6th avenue, pontoon boat parked out front, tending to my life. Probably changing the wall color in my living room, dragging home a drunk from the lake, and through this whole process I won't lie we have  asked ourselves, we have asked each other, "What do you think we have done?" And believe me others have had no problem offering there "God lead advice." When the educated ones, who thought they were so smart  and witty asked Jesus, "Well what has  this blind man's parents done, they must have done something to cause him to be blind?" Jesus said, "No they have done nothing, he has done nothing, his blindness is for a moment of glory for God". As we started seeing  our life unfold it was not due to gambling, adultery, mismanagement, it unfolded while we were attending church week by week and praying week by week. "God we need you." "God you are our only hope". None-the-less, we saw nothing change, only digress and get worse. If you remember, I made the statement in an earlier post I was determined that my children would see me in a positive light. Well, as I thought about what to write I really felt this post was meant for the church goer who prays and prays and it seems, outwardly, nothing changes. As I was trying to make sense of "....loss equals punishments" which is not the words of Jesus, I realized all eyes are on us. Those 3 yrs as we were being consumed with loss our banker who was seeing me daily and encouraging ME, imagine THAT a numbers guy encouraging someone who owed him money!!! A Banker, our men, our children, the people we went to church with.The Young kids at Starbucks, too many  relationships and connections to  name, we had been called to show character and integrity in a time when it was not EASY! We would have to live what we have devoted our entire lives to believing, even though around us there was no evidence of it getting better. But isn't that true of alot of things in life. I am committed to my husband, my kids, my parents, my church, my girlfriends, yet there are times when I don't see much good or excitement or a big payday, but I value those relationships, it is the core of who I am, so I am in it for the long haul, whether I feel like it or not. Today, so often, our pulpits preach money and the Cleavers, when so often it is  the Dyers. Crisis comes in all forms, that is what binds us together, not the details. We have to guard from becoming angry at God and the church and find a place of  connecting with people again on a level of sincerely and honesty. A hard  and lonely lesson we have learned. I think, honestly, it is out of fear, maybe they think it will cost them something, something financially. We would have been thrilled with a cup of coffee. I received a very sad text it said , "I have never had much, have never expected much ,never wanted much, but when your little bit you have crumbles.. COME ..ON..", I had no words, nothing to say except God is faithful. God doesn't always work things out the way we want Him to or He would be no more than a magic genie. God's ways are not always our ways but He is always faithful. All that sounds so noble and honorable and I am very glad that I was able to keep my self composed, but in the recesses of my heart a battle of great conflict was going on, it was not noble nor honorable.

Authentic Perspective

There are three things I am deeply devoted to, God, my family and this country. I posted a picture on fb of me standing next to,( in my opinion, remember this is my blog) the best ever former President George Walker Bush. As I stand there on someones else's dime, the dream of my lifetime, I have to think how deceptive  a picture or image can be. You see this reception was 500.00 per ticket and the "Forum" we had attended that week was an additional 1000.00. So, you could say we "looked" the part. But their was also a measure of hypocrisy. May I also say that ole' Texas boy didn't disappoint!!  He was funny, witty, warm, charming and bigger than life, as I had imagined he would be, cowboy boots and all! And, no, he wasn't drunk; actually a joke he used about himself.  This is one of the things I love about him, his ability to laugh at himself! As I look at that picture I have to  laugh; as I mingled with those folk from the upper class, the  aristocracy, it dawned on me I had fooled them. I am very good at looking the part. You see if one woman asked me every woman there asked me, "Oh my, where did you get that coat? Prada, Ralph :Lauren spring collection?" I had purchased that coat at a Goodwill on the way to the Forum. So as I stood there smiling, my secrets went deeper than that London fog jacket. Then I thought backward some months, as I layed awake, dreading the next morning, knowing I had to put my children on as assisted lunch, I cried out, "God, why and how am I going to have any legitimacy? I cannot change who I am, where I came from, or throw away my things. Yet I am no better than the others who find themselves in these situations."  But this is not what this is about. This was about me finding my skin, my place in all this. God meeting with me. "God you have got to give me peace or I cannot face this. And I can tell you it was not a matter of pride. I could not stress and scrape daily for their lunch needs anymore. And I would willingly be humiliated and degraded for them. "God if I show up looking like I look they will assume I am a fraud, If I go "staged", looking different than  who I am, I am a fraud. Please help me! I am so conflicted and torn." As I tossed and turned and morning came, it came to me that the unadulterated truth would be the absolute best. So I got dressed, as if I were meeting Friends for lunch, and sat down and told that state worker our story, the truth. She stood up, came round the other side of her desk, and sat  knee to knee with me, and held my hand, and said it was done. If their was anything I needed just call her. She was the HEAD of the entire county. The lady I was to see had called in sick. God had smiled on me that day. So from that day forth I realized I would be who I am, which is why I dress, everyday, the way I do, not for show, or appointments, or Kenny, but because I love to. I will maintain my dignity and my uniqueness even though my circumstances may not support it. I had developed these traits and characteristics long before I came here and I will take them with me when I leave. I have made connections with  social service workers that, to this day, have become very dear friends of mine, despite the fact that I didnt convert or become something I am not. That seems to be the thing they love the most about me. They have been one more foundational stone layed in holding up our family by this great nation that I proudly call my own. Wyatt and I were riding alone one day and he was staring out the window and he said,  "Mom  this is a great country", I said,  "Yes son it is", then he said, "Mom a kid's dad can lose his business and this country will buy that kid's lunch". I had to focus and keep looking out the window and hold my composure because I was so moved. Instead of shame and embarrassed it was pride and thankfulness. We get so tangled up in our own pride and  what we think we are owed sometimes we lose sight of how fortunate and blessed we are. He came home one day speaking of an instrument he needed and instantly my stomach went into knots and before I spoke I thought Angie think before you speak, so I said "Wyatt do they rent instruments?" He said' "Oh don't worry Mom I told Mr. Teague that we had fallen on hard times and we would have to borrow one."  I said, "Wyatt. Did you ask him this in private?" He said, "Well, no, no big deal mom every family has problems!" Well there you go, once again outta the mouth of a babe! So as I took that word of wisdom from my 13 year old son I realized who I am is not based on the amount on my debit card, my value lies in my children, how I serve my family, the class with which I carry myself, the compassion I extend to others, the way I open my home and  make it loving and warm, that is who I am, not that London Fog jacket or even that $1000.00 ticket, but who I am on the inside and how that displays itself through the people I love and the ones who come in contact with me. So I remembered that strange moment when the highly educated scribe (a highly educated linguist) asked Jesus the most earnest and prevalent question of all the Jewish Academies, and, according to my husband, there were
over 400 in Jerusalem alone (the 2 greatest Hillel's and Gamaliel's) "What is The Greatest commandment?"  If Jesus was the highest authority on such issues, His response was very, very important.  He said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Then he expanded and said, "The second is like the first, Love your neighbor as you love yourself."  That is very interesting, however I am convinced that in the Church in our generation, as it has been in most, we obey neither of these two.  We have good thoughts about people, we wish them well, we even take time to breathe a prayer for them, sometimes consistently,
but loving our neighbor as ourself is one we cannot, truly, fathom.  It means things we don't really want to consider.  Do we pray for the promotion so we advance or do we pray equally, and with sincerity, for our co-worker?  I will relate to you, it happens, almost, never.  What is even just as fascinating is considering that God loved us in a way that brought Him extraordinary pain, in essence, He loved others at His own expense!  A lifetime well spent would be one seeking these two grand moral themes, whether we ever gained or lost anything else. Finally, there is country.  It is a terrible time we live in when bitterness toward our nation is common and approved.  However, what democracy is about, at least American democracy, is a government built on the premise of equality.  The preamble says, since we all were created equal, and there is the underpinning.  If we were created, there is, by nature of creation, an inherent equality amongst mankind.  Our government went beyond and tried to establish just enough government to keep the peace and protect the citizens and then stay well away from the individual.  That means the remainder of our lives is at our freedom and disposal.  We can travel where we wish, follow the vocation we wish, marry the man or woman we wish, and experience a freedom untouched by the powers at be.  Any other form of government has been, at best, a far second, and at worst a tyrannical and despotic nightmare.  Abraham Lincoln once said, "I like to see a man proud of the place (the land) in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place (the land) will be proud of him."  Well, there it is, (1)God, (2)We begin and end with family, (3)Love for country.

Embarassed but I am jealeous

I had a friend call and say her husband said the oddest thing to her. He blurted out he was jealous of their kids. Then his face got red and he turned and left the room. She said she stood there with their 7 mth old on her hip, her breast still wet from nursing, dumbfounded! What do you mean, Jealous of the kids! Her first instinct as a woman, as a mother, was to go after him and say baby what is wrong, what are you talking about, but as she stood there tired and her mind racing with the million and one things she had to do and then  she glanced  in the mirror and saw her appearance was unkept, her body soft from having "his" children, roots that needed coloring, clothes that needed updating, her softness, her loving nature, her kindness toward him suddenly turned into Beelzebub ()Biblical term Satan's senior devil! We met for coffee and she drug her lil brew of yuggins into the coffee shop and I thought "Thank you Jesus" because I was left to just one at home. So I came looking all cute and Isabella dressed and looking cute as well! Shame on me!!! I know! In honesty,  I went out, embraced her, helped her unload, and we began to back track through what had been the last 10 yrs and 4 children. Mind you, as the children cleared out the coffee shop for us and as she wept  I reflected myself. We use to tease that the Tallahassee Democrat was going to read ....local  TV personality was caught cheating. See I think women and men alike use the word "busy" when I think the correct word is "environment". We had 4 kids, a  Commercial Construction Company, a full time Pastorate and a weekly  television Program.  And at the time Kenny was learning Greek. So,  yes we were busy, but our environment, my environment especially, was not conducive to being Kennys  "girlfriend" for the day, as I called myself. What we would do is, sometimes a couple times a month, rent a hotel for the morning or if time permitting the day. We would meet there, check in, and then leave the same day. As we would exit, holding hands, laughing looking refreshed and in love you can imagine what they were thinking. It was so forbidden and exciting! And as a women it completely changed my surrounding and it gave Kenny my undivided attention. My softness of body, or uncolored hair, or out dated clothes seemed so much better in the confines of that hotel room. And wow, what a sweet and soft and gentle spirit I would get out of Tom, AKA Kenny, with a little bit of "petting". I say "petting" when he says I am not paying enough attention to him, "Awwe, am I not petting you enough!"  Evil I know! lol! As I consoled her I had to be honest with her, that is if I was truly her friend and loved her and if I believed what I stood for, which is the fullness of what our lives as women should be. And here is what I think. What I have observed in the church and outside the church. We meet our men and they are the center of what we do. In the back of our minds we dress for them, we care what they think,  Kenny says, "Woman, why don't you laugh at what I say anymore? You use to laugh at everything I said!"  We consider what they like to eat, watch movies they prefer we watch sports.and cant get enough of each other. And lets not forget ladies the physical attention we gave them. Then life happens and, in our defense, we go into a different mode, which is a wonderful and beautiful mode, but a different mode, Mom. And our Husband, our "boyfriend" our "lovers" become, well, somewhere in the background. And I just bluntly said, "You  better be glad he was able to tell you because what he really is saying is ..... I miss you, I need you. And I would be willing to do anything to get you back." It is an odd dynamic because a man loves his child and to resent something you love is a very hard  thing to deal with. But that child has, in essence, taken your body, your breast, your time, your emotions, just about every ounce of you. Men need that physical affection from the woman in their life on such a deeper level than merely physically. Their strength comes from the  relationship they have with the woman in their life and when that is threatened it effects everything. When Kenny and I meet couples and they are very critical and abrasive toward each other it is always a very good sign that their is trouble in those areas. And it is usually not very long we hear they are separated. A couple can face crisis, loss of a home, death of a child even past affairs if they nurture and put their relationship above all others. And never allow bitterness to creep in.  As she sat their quiet her baby asleep in my arms tears in her eyes I knew her husband adored her which made it even that much more my responsibility to be as honest as I could be,it wasn't about her hair her cloths her soft body, it was about him wanting to be close to her. I have a cousin who was feeling less than attractive in her sweats, slightly heavier body and her husband said, I wont name her .... "you turn me on when you bend over to get the biscuits outta that oven!!" Men are not concerned with all the things we are concerned with as women, they just want to feel like they still have that "girlfriend" Well to end the story, I told her to be his "girlfriend" for one week. Just one week. OMG OMG OMG. Yes I said that 3 times. She never touched another dinner dish, scheduled another hair appointment, loves her soft body, finds love notes in her outdated  cloths...... Trust me we will address the men another blog ; //

One more program.

I got a text Coleman was sick so we headed to the school to pick him up worried in the back of both of our minds I am certain we are getting low on gas. So out of sheer necessity  we decide to checkout Isabella also so we dont have to drive the monster AKA Bronco back to get her. We are budgeting every drop of gas. I spoke by text to a cousin of mine who was so discourage in the same situation, and I had no words of magic no secret equations, all I could tell her was I love her and I would be praying for her. See she is where we where almost 3 years ago, still holding tight to a home, a boat, a life, a city where her children where born and raised. A life I can't even remember at times. Back to the Bronco. I saw a yooung man at church yesturday I call my Angel from the Lord. It was a freezing cold winter night. My Bronco had been acting up for months and Wyat had been jumping it almost everytime we drove it. It would spit and sputter down the road, I would be so afraid so to hide my anxiety we would sing at the top of our lungs to try and mask the fear and poor performance of the truck.  We had been to Walmart and we were loaded! The kids were chatting and kenny was trying to console me on the phone from Florida. The anxiety he must have been feeling. We had made it off the interstate and had coasted into a Pilot gas/truck stop. Wyatt, bless  his heart, he and I got out so the little ones would not hear and said Mom I will find a man and ask if he thinks it needs water or that stuff that looks like mountain dew. I said son we need to pray. He said yes mom just when we are on the precipice of disaster God saves us. My military son!! He came out speaking like a General! At that moment my Angel from the Lord showed up. His given name is Matthew. My feet were  lead and my heart and soul were even heavier. I cant even imagine how Kenny must have felt being 500 miles away and helpless.  As I glanced in that Bronco at Cole and Bella laughing and cutting up standing their Wyatt and I freezing  I felt anger well up in me like nothing I had ever felt. It was ugly, it was dark, it was evil. I WAS BITTER. My pity for Kenny soon turned to anger why didnt he fight harder for our business. Why didnt he fight harder for our life. I came back to reality when Matthew cast his warm smile at me and said, "Whats the problem?" He had owned several Broncos and he filled the radiator and we got it started and made it home!  As Isabella jumped in the truck today she handed me a note and i just started laughing. I said no way! I was shaking my head. Kenny said, What? I said ANOTHER program! We have had programs at the kids schools it seems like a couple times a week. We have two at the elementary and one at the middle school. Here is the problem. These programs are extremely important to our children for us to be at,  BUT what about the folks that just dont have the means by which to go? God how have we found ourselves here? How have we been abandoned? Or so it feels. God give me a good attitude TODAY,  meet my need TODAY.  Rainy day, corn chowder for dinner. Lots of laundry and still looking for some reason or purpose or sanity to this....... day to day dangling by a thin tread over a clif....that has become our life.

It wounds God to see us hurt

I was so troubled last night I tossed and turned most of the night. I had met someone I had an instant connection with, that is on a friendship level. She is funny, smart, pretty, quick whit ted and GENUINE (a  rare quality these days). I had felt there was some sadness or conflict, I am not sure how to even word it. None the less,  when I woke I ask Kenny to pray with me for my friend and we went about our morning business. When I would tell my kids the principles of the Bible I would tell that them God had lay ed these foundational laws out, these rules, only for our benefit. Certainly, He didn't need them, He doesn't get any joy out of  enforcing them. He just want us to have full and complete lives. And this basic and simple child like analogy sooooo applies to God hating divorce. In divorce the word "amicable" is such a funny word to me. I can guarantee you their is always  one who has been crushed under the weigh of that divorce.  I have a nephew who is 35, and bless his heart, to this day he says his parents' divorce, forever, changed him. He never got over it. As an adult he understands it, but the pain of loss never goes away. As I see the struggles our families are facing and the outside influences on the family are of no support. Our colleges and Universities are saying the Bible is old and antiquated. The "Intellectual" class has abandoned all such sentiments. We say loving someone is a deep "feeling"( how unintellectual) and when the "feeling" diminishes, well move on! You can only trust your "feeling", and what feels good. Let me just warn you, don't raise your children with this kind of philosophy. When we make connection on a physical level (sexual) that penetrates the soul and binds people in the soul of them.  If that bond is broken or treated as casual, then it leaves wounds that last a lifetime.  These pains may lie buried, yet they remain and often resurface when we find the true love of our life, but then those intimate moments, that God meant for just two individuals to share, are scarred.  As I reflect on the past 3 yrs and the times I would feel bitterness creep in toward my own husband, or God, I would have to apply these time-honored and profound Biblical  principles to my life. When I would feel abandoned by the church leadership (Pastors) whom we had been friends with for years I had to say God Your are bigger than these men.  Bigger than our organization (the Church) that I had loved my whole life. I had a commitment to my faith, my husband, and church even though at times I did not "feel" like it. The central nature of God, however, is forgiveness, before anything else. God hates sin because it inflicts deep wounds, wounds, however,  that He alone can repair! My feelings, now, change
from hour to hour and minute to minute, if I allow my life to be moved along by feeling I will never experience anything worthwhile.  The most horrid and difficult people I have ever dealt with, in or out of the Church, have been people who live by emotion and not commitment and principle.  What I can, also, say is that  I have experienced, and needed, more of God's forgiveness in the past three years than I ever imagined I might
need!

Side Effects.

Well, they say you can have a break down bio chemically, genetically, or through a traumatic situation. I don't think I have had what you would think of as typical break down. But I think I have had some alteration to my system. I went almost 14 days with no sleep and  was also having severe migraines. I just went through the change of life that brings on many physical as well as, lets just say, "mental" changes, and the tremendous amount of stress we have been under the past 3 year years I think has played a role as well. They put me on medication which I was very apprehensive about because I am not a big fan of prescription drugs. My symptoms were just too severe for me to deal with anymore, or so I thought. The side effects of this medicine may be worse. It has corrected my sleeping, hot flashes and migraines but I am completely spaced out!  I cannot spell, which I am hyper sensitive about! Kenny and I got married and I did not finish college. I am usually an excellent speller. I can't spell CAT!   I go to speak and cannot think of the word. Or I will blurt out and start talking when someone else is talking! It is insane! As if my life is not stressful enough. Well my husband, Tom (I call him that when his not being as understanding  or sensitive as I think he should be), sat me down and wanted to know what in the world was wrong with me. "Angie I will be talking to you and you just take off on something else. Or you start doing something and get up and start something else..Or your not petting me enough . Bla bla bla." Well Tom lets see we have no income, no cash reserve, no gas in the bronco, I am in menopause and I am on anti-seizure medication. Do you want to see my head spin around? And he gave me advice about my blog! When he was writing his book I made one comment and good Lord you would have thought I shot his Momma. So I sat in my chair and thought about all the Moms that face these difficult situations, but face them by themselves. And I thought God please give me the strenght to never lose the ability to have joy in whatever situation I find myself in. It reminded of Paul and how he described his situation, "His grace is sufficient for me for power is perfected in weakness. Gladly I will boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." He wasn't dwelling on his situation I think he was rejoicing over his weakness and the fact that God's grace empowers him to reign victorious over those weaknesses. I think, as women, we led very secretive lives and by doing that we live very lonely and secluded lives. I know myself, I am far more effective when I am forced into a situation I am not comfortable with. If Gods grace was sufficient for a man who left his family, his home, was ship wrecked, imprisoned, stoned, and left for dead, I am confident His Grace can get me through the struggle ahead of us. My poor spelling, turrets, drifting off, lack of attention to my husband, side effects,head spinning, LOL, you get my point .........

The Yellow bird

Kenny slipped out of bed and closed the door quietly thinking I was asleep.As I lay there awake my attention was on a large ceramic urn that I had placed branches in and clipped these beautiful yellow song birds onto. They are so delicate and frail yet I see such a strength and confidence in them. It brought my mind to a very dark and low day in my life. We were about a year into this new chaos.Coleman had put his shoes on  that morning and they were way too tight. I felt my throat tighten my heart pound and anger build in my heart. I met Kenny for lunch and I don't think we had talked about anything of any importance and our  conversation had gotten very surface. Our fear had consumed us. And somehow by speaking those fears out loud to each other it validated them. So my outlet had become my Bible and fasting. And to my shame it had been years since I had fasted.  God has a way of bringing us back to places we need to be. I had prayed the same prayer over and over and had seen nothing change, only get worse. I had a lady who for years had helped me in the house and had became a dear friend. She was not from this country, she said, "Aunngie, u life is going down down down!" And she was right, that is, from all outwardly appearances. I left that restaurant and could not drive home and sit in my house and be prisoner to my own mind. So I went and sat in my Denali  and parked.  I thought God we have built our lives on your principles but we also have built our life on life insurances, 401 K, IRAs, Annuities, health insurances........ the list goes on and on. But sometimes you can do everything right and things still turn out bad. . It is just meant to be. The church doesn't like to speak of these things but trials are not a sign of punishment. I have been told by Church's that my story is not a feel good story with a happy ending. Well I disagree! We are intact as a family, Kenny and I will be married 27 yr the 26 of May, so I think that is a "feel" good story. It is not a get rich story, but it is a story of hope and the redeeming power of God's loves for us. Somehow in this life we have built our churches on the prosperity message saying come to God and everything will be perfect; NOT! What about  the family that sits on the pew week after week who the father is beating the "h..." outta the Mom?  Week after week she prays, week after week and nothing changes.. What does the prosperity message do to her soul.? So God today I ask you to meet my need, not tomorrow or the next, but today. I thought about the Saints who built theirs lives on the principles of the Bibles. Faith. I began to reflect on the miracles I had been taught as a little child and I had taught my children, and slowly my strenght began to come back to me. At that  moment a sparrow flew in and landed on my mirror on the door of my truck (my window was down) and in his mouth was a piece of tree bark that was dripping with tree sap..This was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen and he was Fat. He dropped the piece of bark and looked into my eyes and the words of Jesus resonated in my mind. Do not worry about your life what you will eat or drink or wear. The birds of  the air don't store away food , the heavenly Father feeds them. Who by worrying can add one day to their life. Another life altering moment, and from that day on, I still have that little piece of bark to remind me over the next two years as we face far more traumatic experiences than I had faced up until that point.  My mantra has been the simplest of prayers 1.Our Father who is in heaven Holy is Your name, 2.Your Kingdom live in my heart  3.Your will be done in my life 4 Meet my need for TODAY.