Embarassed but I am jealeous

I had a friend call and say her husband said the oddest thing to her. He blurted out he was jealous of their kids. Then his face got red and he turned and left the room. She said she stood there with their 7 mth old on her hip, her breast still wet from nursing, dumbfounded! What do you mean, Jealous of the kids! Her first instinct as a woman, as a mother, was to go after him and say baby what is wrong, what are you talking about, but as she stood there tired and her mind racing with the million and one things she had to do and then  she glanced  in the mirror and saw her appearance was unkept, her body soft from having "his" children, roots that needed coloring, clothes that needed updating, her softness, her loving nature, her kindness toward him suddenly turned into Beelzebub ()Biblical term Satan's senior devil! We met for coffee and she drug her lil brew of yuggins into the coffee shop and I thought "Thank you Jesus" because I was left to just one at home. So I came looking all cute and Isabella dressed and looking cute as well! Shame on me!!! I know! In honesty,  I went out, embraced her, helped her unload, and we began to back track through what had been the last 10 yrs and 4 children. Mind you, as the children cleared out the coffee shop for us and as she wept  I reflected myself. We use to tease that the Tallahassee Democrat was going to read ....local  TV personality was caught cheating. See I think women and men alike use the word "busy" when I think the correct word is "environment". We had 4 kids, a  Commercial Construction Company, a full time Pastorate and a weekly  television Program.  And at the time Kenny was learning Greek. So,  yes we were busy, but our environment, my environment especially, was not conducive to being Kennys  "girlfriend" for the day, as I called myself. What we would do is, sometimes a couple times a month, rent a hotel for the morning or if time permitting the day. We would meet there, check in, and then leave the same day. As we would exit, holding hands, laughing looking refreshed and in love you can imagine what they were thinking. It was so forbidden and exciting! And as a women it completely changed my surrounding and it gave Kenny my undivided attention. My softness of body, or uncolored hair, or out dated clothes seemed so much better in the confines of that hotel room. And wow, what a sweet and soft and gentle spirit I would get out of Tom, AKA Kenny, with a little bit of "petting". I say "petting" when he says I am not paying enough attention to him, "Awwe, am I not petting you enough!"  Evil I know! lol! As I consoled her I had to be honest with her, that is if I was truly her friend and loved her and if I believed what I stood for, which is the fullness of what our lives as women should be. And here is what I think. What I have observed in the church and outside the church. We meet our men and they are the center of what we do. In the back of our minds we dress for them, we care what they think,  Kenny says, "Woman, why don't you laugh at what I say anymore? You use to laugh at everything I said!"  We consider what they like to eat, watch movies they prefer we watch sports.and cant get enough of each other. And lets not forget ladies the physical attention we gave them. Then life happens and, in our defense, we go into a different mode, which is a wonderful and beautiful mode, but a different mode, Mom. And our Husband, our "boyfriend" our "lovers" become, well, somewhere in the background. And I just bluntly said, "You  better be glad he was able to tell you because what he really is saying is ..... I miss you, I need you. And I would be willing to do anything to get you back." It is an odd dynamic because a man loves his child and to resent something you love is a very hard  thing to deal with. But that child has, in essence, taken your body, your breast, your time, your emotions, just about every ounce of you. Men need that physical affection from the woman in their life on such a deeper level than merely physically. Their strength comes from the  relationship they have with the woman in their life and when that is threatened it effects everything. When Kenny and I meet couples and they are very critical and abrasive toward each other it is always a very good sign that their is trouble in those areas. And it is usually not very long we hear they are separated. A couple can face crisis, loss of a home, death of a child even past affairs if they nurture and put their relationship above all others. And never allow bitterness to creep in.  As she sat their quiet her baby asleep in my arms tears in her eyes I knew her husband adored her which made it even that much more my responsibility to be as honest as I could be,it wasn't about her hair her cloths her soft body, it was about him wanting to be close to her. I have a cousin who was feeling less than attractive in her sweats, slightly heavier body and her husband said, I wont name her .... "you turn me on when you bend over to get the biscuits outta that oven!!" Men are not concerned with all the things we are concerned with as women, they just want to feel like they still have that "girlfriend" Well to end the story, I told her to be his "girlfriend" for one week. Just one week. OMG OMG OMG. Yes I said that 3 times. She never touched another dinner dish, scheduled another hair appointment, loves her soft body, finds love notes in her outdated  cloths...... Trust me we will address the men another blog ; //

One more program.

I got a text Coleman was sick so we headed to the school to pick him up worried in the back of both of our minds I am certain we are getting low on gas. So out of sheer necessity  we decide to checkout Isabella also so we dont have to drive the monster AKA Bronco back to get her. We are budgeting every drop of gas. I spoke by text to a cousin of mine who was so discourage in the same situation, and I had no words of magic no secret equations, all I could tell her was I love her and I would be praying for her. See she is where we where almost 3 years ago, still holding tight to a home, a boat, a life, a city where her children where born and raised. A life I can't even remember at times. Back to the Bronco. I saw a yooung man at church yesturday I call my Angel from the Lord. It was a freezing cold winter night. My Bronco had been acting up for months and Wyat had been jumping it almost everytime we drove it. It would spit and sputter down the road, I would be so afraid so to hide my anxiety we would sing at the top of our lungs to try and mask the fear and poor performance of the truck.  We had been to Walmart and we were loaded! The kids were chatting and kenny was trying to console me on the phone from Florida. The anxiety he must have been feeling. We had made it off the interstate and had coasted into a Pilot gas/truck stop. Wyatt, bless  his heart, he and I got out so the little ones would not hear and said Mom I will find a man and ask if he thinks it needs water or that stuff that looks like mountain dew. I said son we need to pray. He said yes mom just when we are on the precipice of disaster God saves us. My military son!! He came out speaking like a General! At that moment my Angel from the Lord showed up. His given name is Matthew. My feet were  lead and my heart and soul were even heavier. I cant even imagine how Kenny must have felt being 500 miles away and helpless.  As I glanced in that Bronco at Cole and Bella laughing and cutting up standing their Wyatt and I freezing  I felt anger well up in me like nothing I had ever felt. It was ugly, it was dark, it was evil. I WAS BITTER. My pity for Kenny soon turned to anger why didnt he fight harder for our business. Why didnt he fight harder for our life. I came back to reality when Matthew cast his warm smile at me and said, "Whats the problem?" He had owned several Broncos and he filled the radiator and we got it started and made it home!  As Isabella jumped in the truck today she handed me a note and i just started laughing. I said no way! I was shaking my head. Kenny said, What? I said ANOTHER program! We have had programs at the kids schools it seems like a couple times a week. We have two at the elementary and one at the middle school. Here is the problem. These programs are extremely important to our children for us to be at,  BUT what about the folks that just dont have the means by which to go? God how have we found ourselves here? How have we been abandoned? Or so it feels. God give me a good attitude TODAY,  meet my need TODAY.  Rainy day, corn chowder for dinner. Lots of laundry and still looking for some reason or purpose or sanity to this....... day to day dangling by a thin tread over a clif....that has become our life.

It wounds God to see us hurt

I was so troubled last night I tossed and turned most of the night. I had met someone I had an instant connection with, that is on a friendship level. She is funny, smart, pretty, quick whit ted and GENUINE (a  rare quality these days). I had felt there was some sadness or conflict, I am not sure how to even word it. None the less,  when I woke I ask Kenny to pray with me for my friend and we went about our morning business. When I would tell my kids the principles of the Bible I would tell that them God had lay ed these foundational laws out, these rules, only for our benefit. Certainly, He didn't need them, He doesn't get any joy out of  enforcing them. He just want us to have full and complete lives. And this basic and simple child like analogy sooooo applies to God hating divorce. In divorce the word "amicable" is such a funny word to me. I can guarantee you their is always  one who has been crushed under the weigh of that divorce.  I have a nephew who is 35, and bless his heart, to this day he says his parents' divorce, forever, changed him. He never got over it. As an adult he understands it, but the pain of loss never goes away. As I see the struggles our families are facing and the outside influences on the family are of no support. Our colleges and Universities are saying the Bible is old and antiquated. The "Intellectual" class has abandoned all such sentiments. We say loving someone is a deep "feeling"( how unintellectual) and when the "feeling" diminishes, well move on! You can only trust your "feeling", and what feels good. Let me just warn you, don't raise your children with this kind of philosophy. When we make connection on a physical level (sexual) that penetrates the soul and binds people in the soul of them.  If that bond is broken or treated as casual, then it leaves wounds that last a lifetime.  These pains may lie buried, yet they remain and often resurface when we find the true love of our life, but then those intimate moments, that God meant for just two individuals to share, are scarred.  As I reflect on the past 3 yrs and the times I would feel bitterness creep in toward my own husband, or God, I would have to apply these time-honored and profound Biblical  principles to my life. When I would feel abandoned by the church leadership (Pastors) whom we had been friends with for years I had to say God Your are bigger than these men.  Bigger than our organization (the Church) that I had loved my whole life. I had a commitment to my faith, my husband, and church even though at times I did not "feel" like it. The central nature of God, however, is forgiveness, before anything else. God hates sin because it inflicts deep wounds, wounds, however,  that He alone can repair! My feelings, now, change
from hour to hour and minute to minute, if I allow my life to be moved along by feeling I will never experience anything worthwhile.  The most horrid and difficult people I have ever dealt with, in or out of the Church, have been people who live by emotion and not commitment and principle.  What I can, also, say is that  I have experienced, and needed, more of God's forgiveness in the past three years than I ever imagined I might
need!

Side Effects.

Well, they say you can have a break down bio chemically, genetically, or through a traumatic situation. I don't think I have had what you would think of as typical break down. But I think I have had some alteration to my system. I went almost 14 days with no sleep and  was also having severe migraines. I just went through the change of life that brings on many physical as well as, lets just say, "mental" changes, and the tremendous amount of stress we have been under the past 3 year years I think has played a role as well. They put me on medication which I was very apprehensive about because I am not a big fan of prescription drugs. My symptoms were just too severe for me to deal with anymore, or so I thought. The side effects of this medicine may be worse. It has corrected my sleeping, hot flashes and migraines but I am completely spaced out!  I cannot spell, which I am hyper sensitive about! Kenny and I got married and I did not finish college. I am usually an excellent speller. I can't spell CAT!   I go to speak and cannot think of the word. Or I will blurt out and start talking when someone else is talking! It is insane! As if my life is not stressful enough. Well my husband, Tom (I call him that when his not being as understanding  or sensitive as I think he should be), sat me down and wanted to know what in the world was wrong with me. "Angie I will be talking to you and you just take off on something else. Or you start doing something and get up and start something else..Or your not petting me enough . Bla bla bla." Well Tom lets see we have no income, no cash reserve, no gas in the bronco, I am in menopause and I am on anti-seizure medication. Do you want to see my head spin around? And he gave me advice about my blog! When he was writing his book I made one comment and good Lord you would have thought I shot his Momma. So I sat in my chair and thought about all the Moms that face these difficult situations, but face them by themselves. And I thought God please give me the strenght to never lose the ability to have joy in whatever situation I find myself in. It reminded of Paul and how he described his situation, "His grace is sufficient for me for power is perfected in weakness. Gladly I will boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." He wasn't dwelling on his situation I think he was rejoicing over his weakness and the fact that God's grace empowers him to reign victorious over those weaknesses. I think, as women, we led very secretive lives and by doing that we live very lonely and secluded lives. I know myself, I am far more effective when I am forced into a situation I am not comfortable with. If Gods grace was sufficient for a man who left his family, his home, was ship wrecked, imprisoned, stoned, and left for dead, I am confident His Grace can get me through the struggle ahead of us. My poor spelling, turrets, drifting off, lack of attention to my husband, side effects,head spinning, LOL, you get my point .........

The Yellow bird

Kenny slipped out of bed and closed the door quietly thinking I was asleep.As I lay there awake my attention was on a large ceramic urn that I had placed branches in and clipped these beautiful yellow song birds onto. They are so delicate and frail yet I see such a strength and confidence in them. It brought my mind to a very dark and low day in my life. We were about a year into this new chaos.Coleman had put his shoes on  that morning and they were way too tight. I felt my throat tighten my heart pound and anger build in my heart. I met Kenny for lunch and I don't think we had talked about anything of any importance and our  conversation had gotten very surface. Our fear had consumed us. And somehow by speaking those fears out loud to each other it validated them. So my outlet had become my Bible and fasting. And to my shame it had been years since I had fasted.  God has a way of bringing us back to places we need to be. I had prayed the same prayer over and over and had seen nothing change, only get worse. I had a lady who for years had helped me in the house and had became a dear friend. She was not from this country, she said, "Aunngie, u life is going down down down!" And she was right, that is, from all outwardly appearances. I left that restaurant and could not drive home and sit in my house and be prisoner to my own mind. So I went and sat in my Denali  and parked.  I thought God we have built our lives on your principles but we also have built our life on life insurances, 401 K, IRAs, Annuities, health insurances........ the list goes on and on. But sometimes you can do everything right and things still turn out bad. . It is just meant to be. The church doesn't like to speak of these things but trials are not a sign of punishment. I have been told by Church's that my story is not a feel good story with a happy ending. Well I disagree! We are intact as a family, Kenny and I will be married 27 yr the 26 of May, so I think that is a "feel" good story. It is not a get rich story, but it is a story of hope and the redeeming power of God's loves for us. Somehow in this life we have built our churches on the prosperity message saying come to God and everything will be perfect; NOT! What about  the family that sits on the pew week after week who the father is beating the "h..." outta the Mom?  Week after week she prays, week after week and nothing changes.. What does the prosperity message do to her soul.? So God today I ask you to meet my need, not tomorrow or the next, but today. I thought about the Saints who built theirs lives on the principles of the Bibles. Faith. I began to reflect on the miracles I had been taught as a little child and I had taught my children, and slowly my strenght began to come back to me. At that  moment a sparrow flew in and landed on my mirror on the door of my truck (my window was down) and in his mouth was a piece of tree bark that was dripping with tree sap..This was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen and he was Fat. He dropped the piece of bark and looked into my eyes and the words of Jesus resonated in my mind. Do not worry about your life what you will eat or drink or wear. The birds of  the air don't store away food , the heavenly Father feeds them. Who by worrying can add one day to their life. Another life altering moment, and from that day on, I still have that little piece of bark to remind me over the next two years as we face far more traumatic experiences than I had faced up until that point.  My mantra has been the simplest of prayers 1.Our Father who is in heaven Holy is Your name, 2.Your Kingdom live in my heart  3.Your will be done in my life 4 Meet my need for TODAY.

The relentless search

I came  down the stairs in our  converted 5100 sq ft barn home, noticing the unfinished floor loving every inch of it imperfections and idiosyncrasies. I sat in my chair with my Bible and my coffee and glanced over and saw a chair that brought an obsession I had hoped once we came through this I would
be able to leave behind. You see when I walked into this house I went into mental or visual overdrive. I am a OCD type person when it comes to color or images or decorating, also with scale and symmetry. And, yes, that can be a talent, but can also be a force that can drive your life! I remember Kenny had  to go somewhere for the weekend and when he got home  I had painted straight for 2 and half days. I had tunnel vision! It did not make for a very nice person! Well this house is a decorators  DREAM COME TRUE!!!! But the other 99% of  people who looked at it ran! As I walked thru the house and the property my adrenaline was at its max! I remember as we drove away Isabella said, "Mom that house was scary". And Wyatt said, "Mom you can make anything look good." Cole said, "Yes she does it all the time. No biggie." I  felt like superwoman, but also a little scared because I had no budget. "Budget" that's funny, Kenny has a saying, when I say something really outrageous, "Woman your funny", especially when I have a certain "tone",  well I was hearing that tone. Their was no budget, I didn't even have the deposit or the first months rent,  the light deposit, let alone cable or a landline. One of those defining moments. But my little mind had colors, light fixtures, sitting arrangements, who got what bedrooms and whose bathroom was whoms. Now remember Kenny was 5oo miles away. Ok back to the chair I see to my right. I had gotten a new black table. I had searched for weeks at our 6th Ave house. I wanted one that was BIG because I love to have people over for dinner. Gathering at someones house for dinner and sitting around the table and visiting. It was a heritage from my Granny, one of hospitality and self-sacrifice, and it was what I, absolutely Loved.  I had people over at least a couple nights a week if not more. This seems to be a lost art that is so wonderful about my Southern roots. So I had picked out all the chairs I needed one by one and needed only one more. But I could not find the one with the right scale. Saying all that I looked at that table and remembered all the hours we spent at that table laughing and loving people. The money I had spent shopping. I had spared no expense. It made no difference who the guest was.  The hours I had spent that day cooking and baking for our guests. Things no one saw. I loved it. I loved to find out what my guests loved to eat and surprise them with their favorite meal. Then I had another guest who hadn't come for a meal. This guest I found downtown, at the lake sleeping on a bottle, later I come to know as Mr Charlie. Then there was the Hungarians nun who had a genetic disorder that caused sores to rise all over her face and made her have to shave her head. She, too,  would become a part of our family. She would have no heat in the winter, live off less than 200.00 a month and get no social service help. Her life was dark and sad. Our home was life and a place of refuge to her. My table was set with my best dishes fresh flowers from my garden and we dressed for dinner for Ms Eve the same as if we we entertaining the Governor. Status didn't matter in our home. Many, many days at that table I had put together baskets of toiletries for my friends I had met at the lake (homeless friends). That table meant far more than a color or scale. So as I reflect on the mission I was on to find that chair I have to thank the Lord for the compassion He has given me for opening my home to the broken and less fortunate. My Granny for having a humble, but warm and loving, home that anyone felt welcome in. For serving people, a talent she had passed to me. A talent I loved. I met the Landlady the next day and she said, "Honey I cant explain it but your shear enthusiasm rented you this house. Where did you come from?!" She thought Georgia when I dropped the "yall" bomb. I said,              "Almost south Georgia, Tallahassee." And she said, "I will keep the utilities in my name until you can make other arrangement!" God is faithful at times when we are not even able to believe. I had not even told Kenny about the house the first day because it was so ridiculous to even consider. So 3 days later we moved our mattresses in the living room and me and the children began a healing that came through this house. And my OCD also began to heal LOL! More of that later to come....

Jesus help me!

I have spent the past 5 hours trying to -aline- sign in -sign out -get pictures -emailed and figures out how to get into another post. I am sure it will seem funny in a few day but right now lets just say if I was a baptist I would be cussing right now. But, I keep telling myself that these things get easier every time I do them. I am not in a very nice mood because I have not been keeping food in the house that I can eat and I am HUNGRY! And I am ILL! I have Celiac and I have very few options. So I get lazy and live off salad oatmeal, apples and rice cakes. Yuk!! It makes me ill!!! I have got to go to the grocery store tomorrow. I went upstairs to gather everyone clothes for church remembering all the good memories we have had. I would shop on Saturday for our Sunday clothes and the excitement that it would bring. We always felt you dress you best for other functions, so why not for the house of God? so as a family we always abide by that tradition.  As I thought about that excitement I felt when I shopped I thought about something I had read. Happiness, the way God defines it, is a state of well being that reaches deep into the soul of a man or woman. Its context is much broader than mere circumstance. Its effect on the emotions goes beyond momentary excitement. I will say I have not shopped for church clothes since we have been here almost 14 months ago. but I can say I have had true excitement. True joy. But I have had many many night when I have laid my head down and not known how I would have the gas to drive my children to school. And have prayed God you are my only source you are my only hope. I didn't even have the courage to tell Kenny how scared and afraid I was. I could not bring myself to say it out loud. True excitement true joy deep in your soul is not dependent on your circumstances it is dependent on true assure that we know WHO holds our tomorrow. Good night.