Life Is A Search For The Spiritual

Before we started this spiralling downward fall, I thought I reached out to people and extended my faith to them. I thought I was a spiritual being, someone that anyone could relate to and immediately would say, Oh I want what YOU have! Right now, you have changed my very existence. I was a good person, I loved God, I did good things, I certainly had, in my life, had a spiritual experience with Jesus, but my confidence, my peace, my security, was not solid and grounded as it is today. I remember the first time I actually said out loud, to another human being (someone from our community) my family is losing our home. It was as if energy shot out of my body and slapped the lady standing in front of me.  We had been working with the bank and at this point living in the hopes that a big job would come and save the day. The bank was working on a modification and during all this I still had some hope things would turn around. But, I had come to know, deep in my soul, it wouldn't. Somehow there was destiny, a predetermined plan, a purpose tied to all this. As I stood before this lady, broken myself, yet still having all the outward signs of status, again I said, "We are losing our home" She blurted out and crumbled before me, and said, "I am losing my husband and my marriage". At that moment I saw for the first time a glimpse into what power I had, what tremendous influence I could have, in my own story, if I was willing to share it.  I didn't know this lady intimately, just had been at events with her and had always felt she had snobbed me, been pretentious, but on this particular day, I felt a stirring to tell her, "Appearances are not always what they seem". So I hugged her and made plans to meet for coffee the next afternoon, where we would have time to talk and get to know each other. She had a beautiful home, actually married to a banker, a new SUV, beautiful kids, the perfect number of pets, the right vacations, the right handbags, everything "looked" all nice and tidy, but, things were not as they appeared. You see my own vulnerability had made an avenue for me to speak candidly to her, a comfort I would have never had, before our financial issues started. I sat there thinking, feeling very sad, how often had my clothes, my seemingly perfect "own" family, my Denali, my 6th Ave house, boat, gym membership, my handbags....well you get the point, kept me from making a new friend or being a help to someone in need. I had done alot with the homeless and indigent and  ministry type programs, but this new gift, this gift of "my" story, this gift of connecting to people, for lack of a better word, was just that-- a gift. As humans, whether we are in the throes of pain or in the disappointments of pleasure, we strive for an essence that is beyond the physical. It seems pain sends us in search of a greater power. Introspection, superstition, ceremony, and vow can all come as a result of pain. Out of my pain, a new journey had begun for me. I was reading a book on suffering by Ravi Zacharias and he said he just couldn't accept that God doesn't figure actively in suffering-- not that he just allows it, that He makes beauty out of ashes. And, He does make beauty out of ashes, but that has to be only part of the picture if it is not to distract from who God is. ALL-knowing, ALL-powerful, and ALL-loving, and somehow makes Him limited or weak. And then there's the other side to that, if He is all powerful and can keep me from suffering, but just chooses not to, He's not all knowing? Right? Well I certainly don't believe that. Ravi, pointed out in Exodus... first-- that it was God who led His children into this place of suffering. Second-- He (God) led them into suffering while they were being obedient to Him and were following Him as He commanded them.  Third-- He (God) ultimately gave them victory but it was not without personal cost. Fourth-- Moses built an alter and worshipped God saying.. The lord is my banner. I am human and have questioned this whole suffering thing myself, whined and belly ached, and legitimately so, these are life changing things, but until that day, it was as if something clicked, something lined up in the heavens, even before my mother carried me, and my purpose for my life came full circle, and I accepted somehow it came from His hand, and in my place of suffering and to the point of almost killing me spiritually and physically, I felt not in spite of my obedience to God, but because of it, I felt I experienced the victory of my life, the real miracle, reaching out to someone else and showing Him to them. Ravi goes on to say he feels God doesn't just allow our suffering into our lives, rather God intented that suffering must come to those He loves. As we sat in our home in Tallahassee after the Denali had been returned, and I was walking the kids to school. I was basically home with no ride. It was a very humiliating thing. I would have people pass me, people that I knew, as I would walk to pick things up from the store, but as I began to walk, I started out with a sense of anger and bitterness, but one morning I decided I would get up and make that early time a time of intimacy with the God. I would walk and pray and cry and cry some more. As those emotions began to spill out I could feel them replaced with a boldness that I didn't have before. So then as those people would pass me, I began waving and saying "good morning, beautiful day!" My mind began to become clear, my body began to respond and tone up, it was a good thing, losing that Denali! I found a positive in a very bad situation. Through not having that truck I also can see how a vehicle can control you entire life, how families live on the brink, not knowing if theirs cars will start and take them to work. Or how many take the city bus, a reality I knew nothing about. I certainly don't want to ever return there, but,  like I said above ~~ victory AIN'Tcheap, it cost you something,  I can truly say to the families in personal or financial crisis, I have been there. God may have intended my suffering, but He never abandoned or forsook me, and He always provided my needs. During this time, I was having alot of trouble with my stomach, and the type of foods I needed, as well as the ones Isabella needed, due to her sickness, was very expensive. I would come home and on my table would be food, not just the food, but the food already cooked! I would say just about everyday but Sundays. How does that happen? I can't tell you, I know it doesn't happen in the natural, it only happens in the supernatural, by a source higher than you and me. 2 Chronicles 20:15 affirms to me that ultimately the battle is not mine it is Gods. If God himself brought me to this desolate place He is here with me, and,  He is able to sustained me and provide my needs,  AS, indeed, He did. So as I lost many things along the way, I gained many, relationships being at the top, and a boldness in myself of who I am in Him, and what value we hold as human beings. And sharing who we are, not what we have.

Go bury your sorrow the world has it's share. Philip Bliss

Suffering, it would seem, puts either a window or a mirror in one's life. I have found my experience in the church, I am sad to say, that most Christians have replaced the window and placed a mirror in it's place. In their trials and grief they become introspectective, morbid, and self-pitying. They see only their pain, their urgency, their injustice. I read this quote, the title of this post, go bury your sorrow, the world hath it's share. How true that is. But on the other side of that, the few dear saints, as we fondly call them in the church, the rare ones, like my Granny I so often talk about, are the unselfish hearts, who in times of anguish and calamity, and in their own brokenness, turn that mirror and replace it with a window in order to see the needs of others in the place of their own. Consequently, with new vision, their own brokenness, and experiences of suffering, can be of help to someone else. Wasn't it for our sakes that Jesus dedicated and sacrificed Himself? I am certain God meant for us to look outside ourselves into a hurting world, and not waste time gazing at our own personal sorrow. What I have seen is some of the greatest suffers, like my Granny, possess the gift of silence til they die. When I took this burden on, I prayed that God would reveal (help me see behind the faces of pain) so that I could become a comforter to those who tried to conceal it. So often the abused or broken, live in denial or secrecy. Because if I fail at this, I feel I have failed at my own sorrow, my families own sorrow. What purpose has it served? God, I want to walk in it with abandon, as I try to share my life with others. Now at this point in my life it certainly sounds good, and we are still in it, going through it, not on the other side of this thing, but, BUT, their was a moment when I could not make any sense of our life and why it took such a turn. Especially being in the church and following Godly  principles, as best we knew how, and yet day by day we continued to see our life fall apart. I have started a fashion blog, I call it, for a lack of a better title, a place women can go and see that it doesn't take alot of money to look beautiful and stay up to date with fashion. I go around to thrift stores and show them how to take a few key items and mix them up and make lots of outfits. It evolved out of my need to find something that was a kind of stress reliever for me, something that I could do, that required no thought, no struggle, no mental anguish, something I would truly love doing. And putting things together, textures and colors, shoes and accessories has been a talent of mine for as long as I can remember, so wah-la, whatasoutherngirlwants.com was born. The picture above, is me in the room at Salvation army, that entire ourfit was 11.00. Encluding the Bass penny loafers! So as I was pulling clothes from the racks of Salvation Army I was reminded of a dark and sad day in my own life.  Kenny and I had met for lunch like we did everyday, it was our only alone time. With 4 kids, a business and pastoring, there was not much alone time. Well, this particular day, lunch was a quiet one, I think we both were just sick of talking about the mess our life had become, and tired of being cheerleaders for each other, some days you just can't muster up the strength to do it. I will be honest, I was on the verge of losing my faith, I had prayed and prayed and prayed until I felt I could pray no more. I had started fasting again, because anger and bitterness had begun to build and I knew if I didn't put a stop to it, it would destroy what was left of our family. I honestly didn't even want to go that day. We made small talk and then I left. Little did Kenny know Coleman had put his shoes on that morning and they didn't fit. My blood vessels in my head began pounding and I could feel heat began at my feet and rise to the top of my head, because I knew we didn't have the money to buy him anymore. We were barely paying our electric bill. I left Kenny,  drove to a near by parking lot and parked, I couldn't bear to go home and just sit, and look at the home I knew I would soon be losing.  I began talking to God, God we have clothed and bought shoes for many a children, and I can't even buy my own child a pair of shoes. Why is this happening, why can't I hear you, why won't you move on our behalf? Why have you abandoned my family? We have devoted our lives to you, why are you silent? I laid my head on the steering wheel and began to weep. I could feel the warm sunshine coming in and about that time the most beautiful healthy, fat mockingbird landed on the mirror of my Denali and turned and looked me straight in the eyes, well in his mouth was a piece of bark and it was dripping with rich golden looking sap, at that moment I felt an impression in my soul, I will met ALL your needs, as they arise, day to day. I am your source. The words of Jesus resonated in my heart, ...the birds of the air don't store up, I feed them,  how much more do I love you and Coleman than that fat bird. Trust me for today, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. That bird must have sat and stared at me for 60 seconds. Then he dropped the lil piece of bark and flew off. I sat there dumbfounded, too scared and shocked to move. I kept that piece of bark for over a year, before I put it away in a box and, so, from that moment I made a commitment to live by the Lord's prayer, God in heaven holy is Your name, Your kingdom live in my heart, Your will be done in my life, meet my need for today. And never allow MY own self pity to keep ME from seeing others in need.  I felt another whisper, you might say, to go into the store that I was parked at and look in the shoe department. I thought well, the day certainly can't get any weirder. So I went in the store, and would believe, the exact shoes Cole wanted, the 125.00 shocks, which was NO way he was getting, had been returned, because they been worn and were marked 20.00. I had a twenty I had found in an old purse, so that very day I bought Coleman a pair of the exact sneakers he wanted! I guess God proved His point. From that moment I have tried to always keep the window from becoming a mirror, and the way I have always done that is to be generous with my childrens' clothing and shoes (that is, in giving them to others when I see a need). It seems it always comes back 2 fold. Even backpacks and gadgets, they have never lacked for, God has always provided. Funny story, one of Kenny past girlfriends, from Bible college actually sent the kids backpacks this past year! True story! But the window must always stay open, we must never look out and only see ourselves looking back, that is when we are in serious trouble. Those shoes started that journey for me, faith is no irresponsible shot in the dark, it is a responsible trust in God, Who knows the desires (and pains) of our heart. He knew Cole needed shoes, and I needed an act of kindness from Him to keep going one more day.

God You Saw This Coming, And I Want To Honor You In This Walk.

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks, God nothing catches you off guard, you are All Knowing, All Sovereign, You are God. So if nothing "takes" YOU by surprise and my life is not just spinning in the universe with no rhythm or rhyme, I chose this day, as I walk this journey, to honor You. To honor the mission you have called me to do. I think we all say we believe in God, and God controls everything, and He is sovereign, but, I think the real question is, what kind of  God do we - do I- believe in? God put man on earth, from the beginning of time, a free-will creature, man chose to disobey God.  Many of the things we blame on God in our lives, should be blamed on man's disobedience. I hear people say everyday on facebook, "I have lost faith in God", I want to say "I don't think so," I think the thing to consider is, have we lived in such a way that God has lost faith in us? We say God is sovereign and all knowing when our lives are full of blessing and flowing with money, and the journey is easy, yet let a bump come and either God has abandoned us, or He has brought wrath "upon our heads". How do I bring honor to Him when I have  plenty or when I have none? I know in my own life, honor is a word I have tried to stay true to. I think back to the moment I decided to stay true to the person I am, Angela Marie, the one who likes to dress up everyday, regardless of whether I am staying home or going to an appointment. Something I received ridicule most of my life for, but I have honored, stayed true to who I am. I might have an appointment with a city official or with a state agency, you will get the same Angie, every time, dressed exactly the same way! No pretense, no putting on, no dressing one way for one appointment and different for another. My mantra is never leave the house unless you look like you're going somewhere! That is me, who I am. That was me when I had plenty, and that is me when I have little. I remember the night it hit me how bad things had really gotten, it had gotten to be such a burden to count out change daily to pay for the children's lunches, and a dear friend, the social worker I had met at the children's school, said Angie, you really need to get the kids on school lunches, at least for the rest of the year. I was heart broke to even consider such a thing. For one, to burden my country, which I love, and to think of possibly one of my children being humiliated made me feel physically sick. She made me swear, well, I promised, that I would go in the next day to sign the children up. As I drove home, taking in the majesty of the mountains, the crispness of the air, dreading the next morning, on this particular day Bella had speech and Cole had tutoring so it was just Wyatt and I, and as we were driving, my then almost 12 year old son, who is soooo far beyond his years, staring out the window said, "Mom, this is a great country, isn't it?", I said, yes, Son it is, he said, " a kid's Dad can lose his job and our country will buy that kid his lunch". As the tears began to build in my eyes, I could hardly focus on the road, I could barely speak, I composed my speech and said,  "Yes son, it is, yes son it is". As I went to my closet that night, like I always do, to pick out my clothes for the next day, I decided on my linen pants and lil sun top, I was feeling so pretty!! As I laid them out, my knees went weak, what am I thinking, this is not a lunch date with girlfriends, I am applying for free lunches for my children. The anger began to build, my throat tightened, why didn't Kenny fight harder, save our life, save our business. I have no home, no vehicle, I have had a car since I was 15, I have nothing.  My husband is 600 miles from me, I am all alone, I will face this all alone. God you have to fix this, resolve this in me. As I laid down, pulled my knees to my chested, I prayed for God to open the earth and swallow me, things had just gotten to bad. Well, the next morning I get there, the lady I was suppose to meet was out sick. So I get seated in none other than the supervisor's office. So I lay our Corporate tax returns from last year on her desk ~~~ and I begin... I tell her my story! I tell her I certainly don't "look" like I need help, but, ....about that time tears running down her face she gets up and comes and sits knee to knee. Looking me in the eye, she says, "you will never have to worry about your children as long as they are in my school district." Once again one of those moments shug, when the snot began to run down my face! Integrity, honor, truth, to this day, the lunch staff at the children's school are some of my dearest friends. even with all my beautiful things, and they certainly know my children receive free lunches.  looong way to get to that point, but, as I have walked through this long and difficult journey there were times when I have questioned God myself, but, God knew exactly what was coming and He had equipped me to handle every situation I would face, if I was willing to be true to who He had made me and to keep integrity in my actions at all time. Let me tell you, people see thru fakes and frauds real fast, and I have always extended myself to people and let it be known that  God guides our life, so they are looking, always looking for that fault. It was a good thing they couldn't see my heart, at that point it had alot of healing to do. But, God, and His infinite mercy, reached in and began to soften and use all these situations to minister to other women, and as I have reached out to others, I found my own selfishness and self pity began to diminish, and I saw the beauty of Gods hand in every situation we have gone thru over the past 3 years. So yes, God did see this coming, and I pray I have honored Him, I know I have done my best.

What If Your Blessings Come Thru Raindrops

I sit here at Starbucks wondering how many people around me are living in their own private hell, day to day, crisis to crisis, alone, no one to talk to, no one to share the burden of life with. To my right is an over weight kid probably 25, his laptop in front of him, almost as a sense of security so no one will notice him, he hardly glances up, his screen has been on the main menu the whole time. His face is so burdened. I have to wonder, "Why is he here?", on a Monday sitting by himself, staring at a computer screen, no one to meet. What has happened to him, as I ponder this question I see a wedding band, is he married, has he lost his job, does his wife know? I see him in my mind standing spinning in the same spot not knowing which way to go, just lost. All assumptions, but if you read the paper or watch the news, the odds are, he fits the criteria. I knew a dear lady who didn't know her husband had lost his job until he had committed suicide. He was just 30 days from getting his old job back. A lady to my left in her 50s reading a book,  look of bitterness on her face, like life has zapped her soul, she has no look of life in her at all. She looks empty. Another couple, 2 ladies, middle class, chatting, the look of fraud, deceit, yet insecurity... what is so sad is you know they are what they consider "friends", as best they know how.   But, truth be known,  no true sincerity is there.  Out of fear or insecurity or whatever, they have truly not become intimate friends. They have not really let their guard down with each other. They are still "putting" on for the other one. They have missed the true intimacy you get from having a true Friend, a confidant, a soul mate.  I had just spent the morning having coffee with my cousin, and felt so down when I got here and by the time we were done and I had shared my heart with her, I felt a sense of connection, a sense of belonging to another human, a joining of our hearts for each others burdens. Isn't that what Jesus said, simply to join with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Simply to "Join" yourself with people.  Never find yourself in a place when you lose empathy or the ability to see someones Else's needs over your own.  I knew I had a true friend in my cousin, someone I could be my true self with, expose myself completely, without fear of rejection. She knows my faults and regardless of those faults, loves me anyway.  Isn't that unconditional love?   A valued asset in today's times. Something money, or a degree, or an address in an affluent neighborhood couldn't afford me. This can be a big lonely world if you have no one to share your daily life with. When we still lived in Tallahassee, to be closer to us, my Mom rented a lil 800 sq ft box. They would split their time between south Ga and North Carolina. Well, when I say box I mean lil box. This lil home had been occupied by my Aunts Father in-law and  it was more like a gentleman's hunting camp than a home! The carpet was from 1970's and the kitchen was dreadful! As we started to see "things" go, we would pack the Denali up every weekend and head to south Georgia and spend the weekend in that lil "cabin" (it came to be called so fondly). That point in our lives the business and pastoring has occupied such a huge part of Kenny's time those weekends allowed us to connect and regroup and prepare us, as best we could, for what lay ahead of us. We would sit and watch the kids build forts, Mom and Bella had a garden, I even hung our clothes to dry on a clothesline.  Something very therapeutic about being outside, seeing the cows graze, the garden to my left and one by one taking the care to hang my families clothes in the warm sunshine. I have to think of my Granny and the stories of her hanging her sheets to line dry,  be ready to pop with another one(that is a baby), as she would say, and have a baby in the basket next to the clothes she was hanging out, whistling and singing. I am certain my Granny wasn't disconnected, or lost, life or circumstances had not separated her from the true source of her joy or her strength, which was knowing, even thru hard times, or brokenness, and let me tell you, my Granny had many, an alcoholic husband, loss of a child, work the fields by day, tend to her lil ones by night, yet as she worked for her family, she would sing hymns and praise, no there was no disconnect in her life, she was connected, connected to a source higher than all those things. She would say she owed it ALL, all to Him, all to Jesus. I must say I mean my Granddaddy no disrespect, I loved him dearly, he grew up very hard, and had his own demons to battle, which displayed itself thru the bottle. He and I shared the same likes for the same types of food, he would have Granny fix my favorites, greens and fried fish and holler for me to come over. He bought me my first tricycle. We lived next door and Mom would practically have to chain the door to keep me from him, he would get to drinking and want me to come to him and sing, and I loved every minute of it. We had a special relationship. Back to the cabin,  Mom and I cleaned and scrubbed, tended to that garden, kept fresh flowers throughout that lil cabin, and made it warm, made some of the best memories we have to this day. We had the least amount of money we had ever had, yet ,we had the best bonfires and parties, the kids remember to date, because we used our imagination, we played games, told stories,  had true intimacy as a family.  And the kids absolutely loved it! It's funny how God provided, we ate like kings!!! We spent afternoons, walking and talking, just like hanging my clothes to dry in the sunshine,  it was therapy for my soul.  We had, because of 'life,' become disconnected and now "life" had made us reconnect again.  Isn't that the beauty of God, He always gives us exactly what we need.  What if God's blessings come thru raindrops, our healings come thru tears, just what "if" the trails of our life are His mercies in disguise. I instantly broke into tears when I heard this song, because I knew it was meant for me. I was talking to a friend I had just met and she was telling me she had been transferred with her job and once she got here, the job didn't work out and how lost and disconnected she felt. As she spoke of her job, and how she had always had a job, and had always taken care of herself, I had a real sense she had grown up hard. She Had to depend on herself, "I", and now she was at a place in her life, much older, now displaced and her trust had to shifted from "I" to Him, where true security lies for any of us.  And let me tell you I completely understand her dilemma.  As I sit writing this post it's odd that I would be behind this screen, so not like the roll I'd had for 24 years of our marriage. So odd for me period, you see I had always been extremely insecure about academics, I went to college at a very young age, and I was not received too warmly by my fellow classmates.  They used bullying and sarcasm to demean me and make me feel dumb and less smart than them. I was always on the outside, never really accepted.  I was taught to be gracious, accommodating, not mean spirited, not be braggadocious, so what I did was withdraw, not exercise the gifts God had given me, which are not too many, but, what I am best at is loving people and sharing myself with them. But, it created doubt, doubt even in that serving part of me, something I knew God had instilled in me at a very early age. So, I certainly  never saw myself in this light, behind this computer or behind a podium, speaking to women, I had always been in the background with Kenny in the forefront.  And I was completely fulfilled with that.  I also was fulfilled being home raising my children, but, God had other plans.  How do you start something at 45 years old, basically starting over.  It just makes no logical sense.  Just a few years back, 2008, Kenny was underwritten (completely paid for) to start a television program out of Tallahassee, and in a city of almost 50,000 college kids between two universities and a local college, and a surrounding area of 250,000 people, it seemed life would go differently. Then, through a very odd and unsolicited turn of events, the program was taken to Knoxville, Tn., the heart of the University of Tennessee, so you can understand that I thought our lives were headed in a MUCH different direction. My role was set, and I loved being in it, little did I know!!! Kenny and I were talking yesterday and timing is everything, seasons in our life are everything. One thing about seasons is.....they begin, but they also end.  I couldn't have a season of harvest, which is sharing my life with other women without the season of hurt and devastation.  Our family could not have the impact it has had without the trails we have gone thru.   Would I have rather had a big church and have been the pastor's wife on the front row every Sunday, gone about my business saving the world and tragedy never having touched us? Heck yeah, but, that's not MY life, and I wouldn't want anyone Else's life but my own.  I have found true connection in my life, Emma has found true connection in her life, by sharing her hard earned monies with her siblings, something called sacrifice, most 22 year olds know nothing about, the little ones have found true connection by earning money, yet spending it on each other, something we could never have taught them with our financial situation. Kenny and I have found true connection, on a level that is far greater than a home or a boat or tennis bracelet. You know Life has forced us into this tight situation, and I have come to believe, come to accept, even embrace God has even allowed it, He is Sovereign , Omnipotent, all knowing, He controls our destiny,  and even though forced, we as a family go willing because we trust  the One true connection in our life, the most important one is our connection to Him.

The Company Picnic, We're All Just People

Yesterday we went to a company picnic and I am never surprised at these events. I guess when I was younger and not as comfortable with myself I didn't see things as clearly and I was so insecure with myself  I didn't see the fidgeting of  other people and therefore missed out on having a good time myself. But as I looked around at a very gracious group of people who had provided a beautiful spread for me and my family, and spared no expense, I also saw men who were empty and alone, and very much out of their element. We drive up kids talkin ninety to nothin, the ole' 79  bronco whips in and  parks next to the Audi's and the Infinities and Honda Elements. As the kids skipped to the covered area and Kenny and I are chatting, walking, holding hands, my Dad smiling as he spots "princess" (as he calls Emma), I see all eyes are on us. The third generation owner, born a rich man, of the company was there alone, his wife didn't even attend with him. The other executive was also alone, the other supervisors also came alone. Emma said that was common, she had yet to see any of them attend. As I looked around and saw these men out of their suits and out of their "element" I thought God have we let what we do so define us, that when we get out of those clothes we don't even know how to act. Is our home life so empty and sad that all we have is what we do from 8-5? When we all get together, if we have nothing to sell each other, if we are on the same level, do we not have anything to say to each other? Can we just share an afternoon and a meal together? Does it always have to go back to, what is your profession, where do you live? All those things are just fronts, covers, a protection so no one gets too close. As I observed the kids it didn't take them but about 30 seconds to make friends and they were eating, playing and laughing. No talk of grades or where they live, just fun and playing. I thought had we showed up at this event with the same attitude I wonder what a difference it would make. You see, had this been 3 years ago, we would have pulled up in the Denali and even with the best of intentions, we wouldn't have acted any different but they would have treated us different. But you see we had nothing to lose, we were thrilled to be served a wonderful meal and have an evening of free entertaining.  So we were intent on enjoying the day, it was a beautiful sunny day we hadn't been out to eat in I don't know how long, and the park was amazing so nothing could spoil our time. Number of yrs ago I am sure one of us would have found something to complain about  or one would not have even wanted to go. It is funny how things can change so quickly, and I must say, in our case, for the better. We would head out to a restaurant and we could not even decide on a place to eat! Too many choices! If you cant decide where to eat out of 20 restaurants, you aren't very hungry! The kids were not evil kids, they were just given too many choices, and isn't that just like adults as well? Don't we all take things for granted.?  Kenny and I would text for 30 mins deciding where to meet for lunch everyday. I think it is just human nature. So BY God we were excited and we were bent on having a good time. And when you don't have cable, peoples lives are alotummmmmming, and giving our thanks to the chef, and it wasn't very long and the atmosphere had turned to one of calm and ease, we were sharing stories and enjoying the beauty of the day. We moved to the fun, to an open field, and continued with games, and even the executives joined in, and they were having fun! Without alcohol, and without obscenities and making  fools of ourselves.  Emma said the owner made the statement we need to have an employee Olympics, it was so good to get out of the office and relax and have good time without the stress of work. Little did they know, we were having to decide whether or not to sell the Bronco or the Cadillac. My Dad had given us an old Cadillac that was in great shape and mechanically he had gone through every inch of that car, so it was such a difficult thing to even think of selling it. And I knew it would insult him as well.  He had put alot of money and time in that car and we were so grateful but life had dictated that either the Bronco or the Cadillac be sold, or we would not be able to continue to live. So we decided to put both on craigslist and leave it up to God which one sold.  I didn't want to sell either, but of course my heart would have been broke if the Bronco went. But honestly, that beast was killing us on gas and the car was economically what we needed. We were running both of them on fumes. I would get a call from the school and I could feel the vessels in my head tighten because I knew if I made an extra trip to the school we might not have enough gas to last til the end of the week.  As a parent you want to be involved in your kids school, and so often we bad mouth parents who are not involved and I have to think how often it may have been that they just did not have the funds to do it, as was my case. I just hated it. I had always been involved, I had always volunteered and been available when people needed me, and now I couldn't do anything. I could barely send in a snack. It made me feel worthless and impotent. Like less of a parent, like less of contributor, and it honestly made me feel like less of a child of God, I felt abandoned, I felt alone, I felt angry and had many questions running thru my mind. Why would you give us a car, only to take it from us?  Can't we at least have the necessities, gas, food, lodging.  Nothing outrageous, just the things we need to survive. We had switched school districts so were having to drive the kids to school, so the Cadillac had been such a blessing, we were getting twice the gas mileage we were on the Bronco. It just made no logical sense. God why would it come to this. We had always been givers and now we had been given something and it was being taken away. The kids were even shaken at the thought of selling either one of them. They had been there, as well, everytime we had broken down, or we didn't have the gas to pick them up, or to take them to a birthday party, so their fears were certainly merited.  The days were getting closer and closer to the urgency of our need and still nothing on the Bronco or the Cadillac.  Well, Miss Betty's son Drew came over to check on things and fell in love with both the Bronco and the Cadillac, he just didn't have the means to buy them both. So on the spot he bought the Cadillac. As he drove off, I thought how am I going to keep gas in that beast of a truck, the one I really didn't want to sell anyway.  I couldn't have it both ways, but I guess I just wanted to complain.  My entire conversation was me, me, me! How will I pay the insurance, how will I fix it when it breaks, we have no job, no promise of a job, we have even been promised a job and that had been taken away, so how will we even keep the Bronco on the road.  Our need was met at the moment, but what about tomorrow, or the next, or even next month, when the insurance is due.  I know I sound like a crazy lady, but, I had become consumed with fear, living had made me fearful of everything, that is until I would have a "moment" as I would call them.  A moment when, He would meet me, or touch me, whisper encouragement to me, or at times chastise me.  And today at this picnic as I saw my children interact with strangers, asking please for their food and saying thank you, glancing over at Kenny and seeing him talking to someone else, yet knowing he is aware of where I am at all times, I realized how extraordinary our lives really were, even though they were also very, very hard.  We had never missed a day of school, or church, because we didn't have gas, we never drove without insurance, we've never been hungry, life is really about the people, not the things.  Yes, that car was nice, and I enjoyed having it, but, that car was a means used to provide a need in our lives.  And life went on the moment that car drove off.  Life could have went on bitter and angry and resentful, if I would have allowed it, but that is not the nature of who God is, He is concerned with people, and relationships, and gatherings and moments in time, memories, not the means by how we get there.  That is how WE have defined each other.  That is how we prejudice ourselves against someone, even before we've given them a chance.  And on the other end of that, when I drove a $60,000.00 vehicle, and we were in the church, even though we paid for it, I would find myself parking around back, because I knew the church "folks" would criticize me.  So I think we have to come to a place that whether we have a $1,000 car or $100,000 car, we value people over things and  don't allow the things to keep us isolated from people.  And being poor, so often, I am sure, keeps people isolated.  You see, the Dyers'  had something far greater than money to bring to that picnic, it was a genuine appreciation for a beautiful day of picining, with great food, playing games and spending time with each other making new friends.

A New kinda Of Dilemnia, I Must Never stop Praying

As I sit to write my left shoulder is numb and my hand tingles and is cold to the touch, my mind swims as I try to focus. Worry! Yes worry!  I'm not sure what direction I want this post to go.  Just recently I have reconnected with two friends of my past that I saw no way of reconciliation, and I sit here, reading a text from one of them.  Life, so strange, so difficult, so different sometimes than how we ever imagined it being.  I sat with a lady, one I had known for over 20 yrs, and saw such disappointment in her face for how her life had turned out, and she was a proclaiming servant of the scripture, yet somehow in her heart, I know she blamed God for how things had come to be.  It seemed like there was a void in her, something was dead, not quite right, her heart was partly dead, like she had shut part of it off.  I knew her, she was sitting in front of me, she looked the same, talked the talk, but she was not there,  I was exposed and holding nothing back, but I knew, she was guarded, not truly ready to surrender to our friendship, share her heart, share her "story".   I could see how easily bitterness could invade her heart.  I could recognize it because I myself had been bitter, too many times to recall, and what an awful place to be.  It's like dying a slow death.   Like a cancer.  You start out angry, then you get bitter, then you just stop caring, and that's when you shut down, and nothing, not even God, can touch the recesses of your heart where that bitterness is stored away.  You won't invite Him in, and somehow you feel it's all you have left, if you let it go, you open yourself up to be hurt again, then you will start expecting good things again, start hoping, start loving, start believing in something.  As I left our meeting, I thought about my own bitterness, the little bit I had held on to, ole' "just a little bit that's only mine because I really deserve it", it was an injustice, I have every right!  God, how can I have this in me, get up in front of women and share Your goodness, and You, in some strange phenonmena, speak a healing word to them, through me!! How can good and bad both dwell in the same body?  Life is kinda like that, good sometimes, and bad sometimes. They go hand and hand.  And let's be honest, without the bad, how many of us would enjoy the good.  So, this is what I am telling myself as we face yet another crisis in our life.  When we where in Dallas Kenny made the statement casually, "Well if we get back and our rental situation is done, I guess we will be moving to Texas!"  We all laughed, a bit nervously, I might say, because I don't put anything past God these days, but had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.  As our life would go, that statement is not so funny.  Well, we have a unique situation, we live with my Dad, who purchased our place from an elderly lady who recently died and it went into probate, and long story short, alot of the monies and agreement was with her and not the children, so 6 months of mortgage payments are gone.  So once again, that ole' familiar sick feeling, not wanting to eat, arm numb, anxious feelings, have taken over my broke down body.  45 years old yet I feel 90.   So I go back and reread what I just wrote, about releasing my grip and allowing God.  And working on my unbelief.  Geezzz, is this a test???  Then I recall the greatest churches in the Bible that grew through persecution.  Is this how my ministry is destined to grow, through persecution, and nearly killing me!  It does seem like it takes tragedy to bring women together, drop all the mask and pretense, to be honest and connect with each other.  God is this why I am here, at this place, to bring a common thread, something to join me to others?  How many times will I arrive at this realization?  It takes me back to a similar situation, or I should say several similar situations within the past three years, when we had run out of options.  We have come to a place where, when one situation closes down we accept the next one, believing that's the one God has provided for in that moment.  We had one day left before our rent was due, back in North Carolina.   I had been in constant contact with my landlord Ms. Betty  (a wonderful lady, I still stay in touch with today) the grant we had been on, had ran out, the fact that we even had been on the program was a miracle in and of itself.  So I could hardly be angry or unappreciative, but still my heart was sad and I was scared.  We had no money and very little alternatives.  I had called my contact the previous morning and she had said no, still no money, but if anything comes in, I will call you immediately, but don't expect it, it is highly unlikely. (This grant was a unique grant and when depleted was not suppose to have any more funds allotted)  And not only was our rent due, but we also had 2 months utilities due.  And this was in the winter, when heat was crucial.  So I got up, as soon as my feet hit the floor, the worry set in, the uneasiness, draining me of every ounce of energy and stripping me of my peace.   I worried all night, fussed at God, worried some more, fussed some more, but, I don't think I prayed much.  Sometimes when life gets too difficult you almost lose your ability to pray, or you have prayed and prayed and have seen your situation digress and that little seed of bitterness I spoke of gets planted and worrying or fussing becomes alot easier than praying.  You haven't rebuked God, but you just stop asking.  I made my coffee, got the kids off to school. We had an extremely unexpected surprise when, on this Monday, Mrs. Betty and her husband showed up. She had come to have some gravel dumped up our drive because the snow would not allow us to get up the hill to the house. We had already been talking to her about the fact that we were going to have to leave in the next week.  She was sad, we were sad, and there was just nothing else to be done.  I had cooked some turnip greens and fresh cornbread, which Mrs Betty always loved, but I had no idea she was even coming.  She and I were in the kitchen overseeing the cornbread and greens when suddenly  I saw I had gotten a text,  it was my contact, it said urgent!  So I call her and she is in shock, number one that she received more grant money and number two, she was even given extra money!!  So in a moment our rent was paid!.. What seemed hopeless and impossible, even with our Federal government, God made possible.  I was crying, Mrs Betty was crying and we would, eventually, make it til the end of the school year, which was over four months away.  Even with my lack of attention to my prayer life, God saw fit to meet our needs, just one more time, a testament to the fact that this thing called life is not about how good we live, or how many rules we follow, it is all about HIM... So back to the, new kind of dilemma, lack of praying, Ben Patterson, a chaplain said, that's what prayer does. It's radical, it goes down deep beneath the surface to uproot evil and upset the status Quo.  So when my day is going along and it's going in the direction of worry and anxiety, I wanna interrupt it with prayer. As it builds toward a crisis, I will to will myself to deliberately stop to pray. When my attitude starts to sour, I will pause for an attitude adjustment, I wont wait--I will pray immediately.  Jesus said, don't worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or wear, isn't life more important than all that?  Look at the birds of the air, they don't sow or store away, their heavenly father feeds them..Aren't you of more value to him than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?  Don't worry about what you'll eat or drink or wear, your heavenly Father knows all these things, don't worry about tomorrow it will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own.  Seek Me, and My righteousness and all these things will come to you.  He was speaking to the common, the poor folks, so He said, you have heard of Solomon and all his glory (glory, that money, human money can buy) yet it pales to the lilies of the field that God created, again, you are of soooo much more value to Him than those flowers and look at the care He took in them.   I think of Dallas and all it's mansions and diamonds and beauty that analogy came to me.  As I looked to my right I see a winter bloom that has just opened, I am not sure what it is even called, and I am reminded of my life, it seems forgotten and not pretty. And then I think of all the things God has woven in our life and I see, just like the lilies of the field, the great care He has taken in my life, and it is just as beautiful as that bloom.  But not by man's hand, as with Solomon, but by His hand.   Worry, it must be the elephant in the room!  I am afraid this praying is not a one time thing, I Thes says pray without ceasing, Paul said pray first!, Pray first!!  Because we are creatures of habit it is most likely our worrying and anxiety will return and we will have to return to prayer and release it all again.  Prayer is an investment.   I promise you the time you spend in prayer isn't lost, it will return dividends far greater than what a few moments spent on something we think we need to do will return.  Dividends of the world, will certainly fail us. Not that they are evil or not great to have, but, we must not place our value in them first, but we must placed our value in God's sentiment toward us.  It is too easy to want to put a gun to your head and say life is just not work the fight. It is a losing battle, our present economy and the state of our country is only getting worse, it is not hopeful, but I think it may be because we value the wrong things, we honor the wrong currency, we revere the wrong god. If Jesus was speaking outright and not figuratively, He said, over and over again, that God's value is on humanity, not on creation itself, not on the planet, not on the governments of our age, but solely on humanity.  What is remarkable is that He values "all" humanity, not just the pretty or brilliant.    Outside of the belief we have a higher calling, a higher purpose, a destiny, it is a dismal future, but it is God Who gives us hope, and it may just be that He is trying to coerce us into a realignment of our value system, of what we value most.  Even in at a time like this, as I face this situation, and I battle worry, and fear, I remember the scriptures of my youth, God is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in times of trouble Psalms 46:1.  Pray first!  Pray always!  In ALL things Pray! Pray without ceasing!  God I must never stop praying, never allow my worry to distract me from the one thing that will carry me through, and that is my time with You.  Prayer.             

Happy New Year Friends, I will be posting tomorrow,  I have alot to fill you in on. Alot of good and alot of  "not" so good.  But one thing I have learned over the past 3 years is, what I viewed as good and bad, are sometimes the opposite of each other.  So I will edit tonight and get back on track tomorrow.  I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a great start to twenty-twelve.  I think I have something to say that will be of great encouragement to you.  I know I got some very bad news today, and because of the ever so small whisper, of the One who guides my life, I was able to see through the darkness, and see the light.  Be encouraged!! Love, Angie!

What I See For Twenty-Twelve! Surrender: Releasing Our Grip

Well, a new year and here we go friends.  Can't say I am starting off with great news or news of great things to come, But.... I can say, I have made a decision to find direction and the first day I make the commitment to do that, THE VERY FIRST DAY, God in an ever so gentle voice reveals Himself to me, once again one of those "ahhh" moments.  Now don't get too excited, my ahh moment may be monumental to me and not so grand to you, but what is so miraculous about God is, He always meets us right where we are, and right in the nick-of-time!  I sat down to type and I had read several articles about resolutions and game plans and back up plans and I thought ok, this has to be really inspiring!  But the entire time I was reading it, it always went back to, what are YOU gonna do, how are YOU gonna make this happen, how are YOU gonna psyche yourself up, and make it happen for the year ahead.  And all I was thinking was, good Lord how awful these women are going to feel if they fail.  Because no one ever shares with each other how they fail, it's always how they succeed, thus, leaving you (those who fail) feeling like a LOSER, because I guarantee you out of 10 resolutions only 1 will follow through.  So where does that leave the other 9.  Again feeling like failures.  I read this quote by William Henderriken, When grace changes the heart, submission out of fear changes to submission out of love, and true humility is born.  The premise for grace as we know it, is something we are given that none of us deserve or could ever earn.  It is a gift no more or less, plain and simple, a gift.  It actually says He gives us grace on top of grace.  His grace never runs out.  EVER.   Even when our plans fail and our options run out.  Through this past year, as I have faced heartbreak like I could have never imagined, especially when it came to my children, I realized everything is safe which I have committed to Him and nothing is really safe which is not committed to Him.   As a Mom you can use all the skills in the world and read all the books in the world, and have all your ducks in a row, but let me tell you, when the real tragedy hits, you better have that child committed to Him, not some plan or book or some super mom mentality, cuz your only hope lies in God.  True surrender, releasing your grip.  One of the hardest things I have ever had to face was when I felt  a small voice say Angie give Emma to me, surrender, release your grip.  I thought God I CAN NOT do that, I am her mother, I know best, I can control this, I can get a game plan, meet her for lunch snap her out of it and waaa la!! Problem fixed!  No, Angie, surrender, release Emma to Me.  God, the pain is to great, and at that moment, I heard that small whisper, Angie I knew Emma before you carried her, and I have a destiny for her life, I love Emma even more than you do, surrender, release her to me.  At that time I had such bouts of anxiety and fear it would be days and I hadn't slept, yet from the moment I surrendered Emma to the One who gave her to me I had unexplainable peace.  I had to relearn that anything committed to Him was safe in His hands, even Emma.  And what a display of Gods provision and  plan and design He has had for Emma's life, only now, 4 years later, it is clear, but it was not so clear at the time. Surrendering, releasing my grip was not an easy thing.  Two weeks before Christmas I thought okay God what are we going to do about presents for the kids.  Kenny has had some work but barely enough to keep us afloat on our basic bills.  We went about business, I don't think Kenny and I even discussed it because I think it makes the reality even more unavoidable, and creates a tension neither one of us wanted.  I just could not image how in the world we were going to do it.  Even if he had work, time had ran out.  Here we are at the end of the year and it seems God once again, I have nothing to wrap and put under the tree for my kids.  God, why, I don't understand, I guess I am just destined for pain and suffering, I was really in a bad way.  As I am sure millions of other families were as well.  But there was just one difference, I had committed my family to someone that I knew, even with my bad attitudes and lack of faith, even with all I had done, held them safe.  God, held my kids Christmas, not this economy, not me and not Kenny, but in His hands!  And what came to them would be by His hand.  And if I had learned anything along this journey, even when I think something has turned out bad, their is a lesson to be learned in that situation, and it has spared us far greater tragedy down the road if we allow God to use that situation in our life.  God, I surrender, releasing my grip.  I get a text from a family member, who says he had a new years trip planned and he was going to fore go his trip, use the money and pay our way to spend Christmas with family in Dallas Texas and underwrite the kids entire Christmas!!  And to think, I had the audacity to think I could control our lives somehow better than the One who made us!  Once again, this theme, surrender, releasing my grip.  As the year came to an end and I thought about what lay ahead, I thought, God I don't know all the answers, but I do know Corinthians says, It is required of stewards that one be found trustworthy. Being trustworthy often means little more than showing up, simply being ready and available.  Paul says it is required that a steward be found faithful, not necessarily fruitful or full of charisma or excited or brimming with optimism, but faithful!  And if this past year God has been seeing anything in me it has been me just showing up to this computer and sharing what pain I have felt, what weakness I have shown, and, yet, what He has done in spite of all my sad, ignoble disbelief.  So God I have at least been faithful and shown up!  Ok, so I have shown up, but I also feel there is another crucial part, for me, the hardest part, and it will be my mantra for 2012.  Unbelief, which ultimately is holding back, not surrendering all to Him, holding on tight, control, SELF.   Hebrews says, we have alot of people around watching us, let us put aside everything that will hinder us," the" sin which so easily grips us, and let us run with great endurance the race that is set before us.  I believe "the" sin is unbelief.  How can we truly run life's race without wholly deciding to trust God--really rely on Him. And that kind of trust only comes by surrendering to Him.   And that brings me to my last crisis of 2011, I sat down to begin a post and my laptop, which by the way I bartered for, the laptop for a gallon of Aveda shampoo, stop working.  Well, I have been faithful, at least I have shown up, haven't had the greatest of attitudes, not the strongest of faith, not the star child for the what a Christ follower should be, but at least I had SHOWN UP.  That's the beauty of who God is even with all our failure and inadequacies, He is our hope, not who we are.  So my faith was so small I couldn't even feel it, much less pray.  I thought how am I going to get another computer, it is certainly economically impossible.  But, isn't that just when God always makes His move.  Once again, when I was hemmed in, He came to my rescue. I love that scripture!  When you think there is no hope, you have reached your limit, God always shows up.  He was there the whole time, and would have answered alot quicker, but the problem always lies in our disbelief, our surrendering, releasing our grip.   I felt that whisper once again, Angie ask me for a computer.  Ok, sure, in a snotty attitude, give me a computer.  I even ask a few people if they had an extra laptop I could borrow.  That's how much I expected to get a computer.  Shame on me. We went to Dallas, got back home, I was at my cousins house and Kenny calls me and was visually moved, Angie you wont believe this!,  I am forwarding you a text I just got!  The text read, Santa has left you a laptop and software, it is paid for and waiting for you at Best Buy.  Well, there you go.  I was speechless, and of course crying, and deeply shamed for my disbelief.  But, a lesson well learned, my HOPE, for twenty-twelve, I commit to surrender, release my grip, work on "the" sin of unbelief and see just what God can do!!
Angie!!

Hanging Tough When The Excitement Fades Into Determination And Guts

As I sit outside in the lil area I have made for my family, writing this post, I think of winter from two perspectives, just the word "winter" puts chills up your spine. The frigid feelings of discomfort and discontent, ice, barren trees, shorter days and longer nights. Fading memories of fun filled sunshine, grilling out with family, bike rides and for me afternoons enjoying gardening. The DEAD of winter! Barren and lifeless! But I don't agree! I spent one winter, my only winter in the Carolina's, and it was AWESOME!  Not depressing at all!!  I remember our home, nestled up on the mountain, curled up by the crackling fire listening to the children's chatter, Kenny and I reconnecting after many years of being "busy". The excitement of the next big snow storm,  being shut in and forced to spend days with only each other. The mountains and city covered in fresh fallen snow was absolutely breath taking.  It is a reminder that God does exactly as His pleases, on His schedule, not ours! He conducts the universe. Tells the seasons when to come and when to change. Not the other way around.  I loved winter, I didn't see it as barren or lifeless, I saw it as exzilerating and refreshing and exciting!  Probably much different than how you see it. Tons of material is written today on motivating but very little is written about finishing well. Also, alot is available to get you motivated and excited but what really carries you and keeps and inables you to go the distance? Plenty of books with game plans and ideas and how to set your goals and so much of it very helpful, but I know myself, how many times have I made a game plan, bought all the necessary supplies, did all the start up work only to see it fizzle out and die. How about starting from the opposite end for a change? How about not losing heart even though the project or the calling has lost it's appeal.  Or the limelight, or the accolades, or the rock star status. Our attention span has been reduced to about 30 seconds, has also our commitment. Working through conflict in a marriage is a struggle so our divorce rate is out of control. We are just not problem solvers, we don't do it, we avoid doing it, and we have not taught our children how to do it. I reflect back to when I left Tallahassee to move to North Carolina without Kenny and I knew it would take dedication, the excitement of a new place, a new environment, the stress of the finances, all that would all wear off quickly and the discipline and guts would have to carry me through. I had a plan where we would sleep, where the children would go to school, how we would work the chores, I was certainly motivated, but I absolutely didn't understand what it would take to survive the emotional roller coaster that I would experience ahead. We didn't know exactly how long it would be before Kenny would be joining us, but I knew it wouldn't be soon. I remember laying in bed after we had been to church one Wednesday night, crying out to God, why was I in this position, no husband, no home, no car, stripped of everything. It always seems when words fail me the tears flow. Tears have their own language that needs no interpretation. I heard a doctor say our inner-communication system knows when to admit its verbal limitations.... and that is when the tears come. Well they were coming that night. When our soul is overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions good or bad, and words cannot describe, tears appear. It was one of those bone chilling nights, and I had no one to curl my body next to feel the warmth of their body.  I was all alone, alone to carry the burden of what life had dealt us, I would face the children, the public social services, and I would face them alone.  600 miles separated me from my husband of 25 years, and not by divorce or an affair or some dark secret, really I didn't have an answer for why we found ourselves here. Some curse, some punishment?  Why God, why?  I would watch  families as they would come and go into church and I could feel the bitterness come into my soul like the winter I described above, dark and gloomy, heavy like it was choking the life out of me. It felt like the burning  I felt , when I would run on a cold morning and my lungs would fill with the cold mountain air. I often joked that Beelzebub rears her ugly head, but lately it seemed she lived next to my bed. I drew my knees to my chest and cried quietly, I was lost for words to even pray. I thought how easy it was to write a game plan and expect the best and get all caught  in the plan making and not really think about completing the task, or following through to the end, and I felt deceived, deceived by God,  like Jeremiah the prophet of the Bible, God why have You deceived me, You have overcome me and You have prevailed. I have become the laughingstock all day, everyone mocks me, all day. For Your service I feel like reproach and derision has come to me all day long. I felt like I had given my entire life to God and the church and I was stripped of everything and left with nothing. Nothing but humiliation and dishonor.  Dishonor to God, my Country, my children, my self, my church, everything I believe in.  I just felt like He was absent, His silence was more than I could take.  It just seemed so opposite His character.  Even the prophet Jeremiah said, I will not remember Him or speak of Him anymore in His name.  God, the ministry is out, I am done!  I will have no credibility I can never show my face. Why have you brought me this far to fail me now.  I wouldn't say it out loud for anyone to hear me, but none-the-less I felt it in my heart.  It was there.  And I knew it was not going away.  I drifted that night into the darkness feeling alone and desperate and angry.  As I look around at my sitting area and this lil beach cottage I call it, which is no more than a dilapidated trailer, it really all goes back to perspective, just like the winter I spoke of earlier, at that time in my life I saw my life as over.  I felt disillusionment and felt like I was drowning in despair, and my anguish had taken over, I felt my ministry was over, my reputatation was shot I would have no credibility or no voice.  But what I realized was the despair and the disillusionment I had felt and the problems I had been through the past 3 yeas had become my ministry.  All thoses things had become my voice, bigger than I had ever imagined.  If we constantly avoid problems we also avoid the growth that comes along with the problems.   I know when I am so hard headed as to just keep pushing a problem away instead of meeting it head on it just keeps coming right back around until I meet it head on.  I began to view these problems as a sort of God-appointed teacher ready to teach me and a take me out of my comfort zone and challenge me and deepen my faith in Him.  And boy had that happened.  Just like me sharing my story.  My idea of what my ministry was to be, has TOTALLY changed from what I thought it would be, to what it has become.  As I look up at the beautiful tree above me decorated with Christmas lights, the chill of air, my lil cottage looks warm and cozy, my soul surges with a cleansing fire of confidence and renewed sense of hope and determination swelling up inside me.  The disillusionment is quietly replaced with the reassurance as He reminds me of the old hymn It is well with my soul, It Is well with my soul!  And thank God it is, because I am weak and I doubted, but divine reassurance had returned, divine perspective has provided a fresh breeze of hope in the lowest times of my despair.  So my ministry was never in jeopardy at all, or my reputation, God had it in His control the entire time!!!  Because of my reputation and what I have lost and suffered I have reached and touched more people than I had ever imagined possible.  My suffering has joined me to the suffering and the pains of others, it has made me more human than I could have ever imagined.  Now I truly can weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, I am joined even to strangers by a bond of suffering.  It  has changed my perspective.  It has changed me.  He had a plan, it wasn't easy, we're not through it yet, it wasn't pain free or smooth, and you know, I like this Jeremiah prophet  (he was dubbed "the weeping prophet")  guess I can be snot girl!, he seemed like an unlikely choice, He was never at a loss to voice his convictions and you could always count on him to sob aloud, and odd God would chose him at a very critical time in history. So it doesn't seem so odd that God would chose me to share my life with others, or that it would be so odd that it cost me something? So here I am on the reverse end, game plan out the window, excitement faded, accolade's gone, nothing left but the shear determination and guts and this daily journey I record called a blog, and the absolute assurance that He is my peace Eph 2:14.

Unusual Friends, In Unusual Places

I met a woman the first day I enrolled Isabella in school, and something in my heart told me, number 1, she was hurting, and number 2, she was not going to be easy to get to know! But, if I stayed the course, it would be worth the wait. So I pursued and I'd guess you'd say I forced myself on her, and she turned out to be one of my very best friends I made in North Carolina. One of those you have on a deep emotional level. It's strange we spend no time outside of school or no time chatting over the phone, but, there was just a connection of the heart. Well, I was right on the money, she had been in a marriage for over 17 years and it had been on and off  for the last 10 and had almost killed her, not only emotionally but also financially. When we moved to North Carolina I had brought bins of clothes that, if I wore them daily, it would take me 100 years to ever wear them all, so I loaded them up and took them to this woman, don't ask me why I thought to take them to her, because I don't have an answer. Little did  I know she had recently lost 80lbs, and had no clothes nor the monies to buy any.  Now, you have understand the dynamic of my situation, moving from Florida to the remote Western Carolina mountains is not an easy adjustment for anyone, but it was exceptionally hard for a women with no husband, and, to top it off, a women who  loves to wear high heels to Walmart!! I was not welcomed with open arms, that is, in the beginning. She was thankful for the clothes, but their was no instant bond. No taking me into the fold. I knew all around me were hurting people, just like me, who were experiencing heartache and pain, and one of the best ways to get my mind off of my own grief was to stop looking inward and look outward, isn't that what compassion is? One of the New Testament  books, a letter written to a Roman province by Paul says, to "carry each others burdens". And I felt this so strongly for my friend. And the wall she had put up was a way  to protect herself from being hurt anymore than she was already hurting. So from the beginning I began sharing our story with the staff.  During this same time the secretary of the school, Ms C, had asked me in private if I would be interested in going to her churches food pantry. She just lite up when she spoke of it. I said, of course, we would be grateful! The kids thought it was the coolest things ever, a free grocery store, they didn't have a clue what it was! Now mind you, the kids are receiving state lunches and we still need food for home and this lady's Church, on the side of a mountain 9 miles out of town, was unbelievable, and the ladies and people of the Church treated us with such respect and dignity, as if we were just one of them! The ladies of the school became like family to us as well,  they embraced us. I would go into that office almost daily to visit with them, and give them an update, how's Kenny, when will he be here, how's Emma. No judgement at all. They would guess amongst themselves what I might be wearing that day! It just so amazed me, they genuinely liked me, and all my quirky clothes and shoes! They liked me for the person that I was on the inside, they loved my children and the heart that they had, and it open doors for us. I went in one Friday and Ms. C said, Angie I am so sorry but my church has decided to close the pantry as  tears streamed down her face. It was the saddest moment for us, because so few Churches treat people with dignity when they give them things, even essentials.  Mrs. C and her Church was so uncommon, so different, however, some of the leadership had decided that some of the people coming for food were not being totally honest, maybe had misused their kindness, so they decided it best to shut down the whole program, how very, very sad!!  Of course there are going to be abuses, of course there are going to be posers, but there are also going to be those people who can genuinely redefine their lives by that kind of kindness, and shouldn't that over-ride the risks? So back to my friend and the clothes, I am walking to my truck one day and she runs out and grabs me and embraces me and says, "Thank you for making me feel like a princess every single morning when I get dressed." From that moment on  that wall fell and  to this day I consider her one of my very dearest friends. It wasn't but a few months later she asked to me speak at a conference her church and daycare was having. They only hold this conference once a year. I was so excited, it was my first invite to really tell of the traumas and tragedies of our past year or so, but also to tell of God's subtle and gentle care for us. I began preparing immediately. And what was even more exciting was it was outside of our denomination, I had prayed to be able to speak to women everywhere, at shelters, civic groups, every denomination, not just mine. And it had happened! As the weeks went by my excitement grew. However, it was short lived, because I got a call and she was crying, something had happened at the school (they had a school connected with their Church) with a child and they were going to cancel the conference. I was heartbroke. I just knew I had something to share, something that would encourage someone, but it was done, and nothing I could do about it. My confidence was shot! Over the past year, through living without Kenny God had built my confidence, I had never done anything on my own, Kenny handled everything, including the speaking, and to imagine me speaking would have terrified me, yet I was just 1 week from speaking  to probably 400 people, with ease! That was a confidence that came from God, certainly not me, before I couldn't stand up and teach a Sunday school class! But in one conversation all that confidence was gone. Deflated! Why would this happen like that God, I don't understand, what purpose could this possibly serve? I have been preparing for weeks, what for, for nothing, I felt like I had taken a step forward and been knocked back 2.  Back to Ms C, the school secretary, she tells me the ladies in her church had recognized a few of the families had came to the pantry more than once in a one month period. So the board felt some "people" were taking advantage, so they had voted to close. She was heartbroken. She would meet families on the weekend, on her own time, it was something she really loved. So she said let's go over there and you get anything you want because the rest is being donated to the shelter. I thought, God this is backward, they had a great pantry, but  much of that stuff was now older and not even the good stuff, some of it was the lowest you can buy,  I am certain many of those board members wouldn't eat some of this stuff themselves, and now they're gonna hoard their money like its something of real value. How about having a pantry stocked with the best, the kind of food you would eat yourself, not the kind you clean out to throw away, represent God to people as He really is, giving us, in the most undeserving state, His most precious and noble gift.  We were all liars, cheats, never satisfied, deceivers, and frankly often still are, but He doesn't extend His love toward us because we deserve it, but because it is What His nature is, and He is never stingy and cheap. Should we really be people who hold back the good for ourselves and throw the crumbs to the world. I thought about myself, God had I picked through those clothes and given my friend the old outdated ones, or did I give her the best out of what I had? Was I myself a hypocrite, God we had been given so much in our life, to hold back and not be generous, it would be the most horrid form of shamefulness, and in the back of my mind I knew I had often been the same!  Up to this very day as I drove from that pantry, God had met every single need in our life, WITHOUT  fail. How could I not give him everything. Once again, the snot came, I guess I need to just name my blog the snot returns, because I just cant' find myself,  find us, our family,  in any place of our life that God has not touched. And it weakens my knees and causes the tears to flow. So I went home and got out my winter coats  and gave her the 2 newests ones I had the very next morning. I said God, this is a representation, a small token, of what you have meant in our lives, and I want to represent You to the world, the way You would, and You would give Your all, Your best. My confidence had taken a hit, I felt like I had been shot down before I had been given the chance to even try, but, I remembered, once again, a scripture of my youth in Timothy, "I know Who I have believed in and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day". And I had entrusted God with my life the day we pulled out from Tallahassee to leave for North Carolina, and God doesn't call you to do something He won't show up and give you the ability to do. And when He is in it, and it is His ability not yours, their is a rightness to it, that somehow you just know that it was His hand that orchestrated it. IF God had called me to speak and share my story, nothing could stop that, I have put that desire back into the recesses of my heart and I am convinced that He will guard that desire, because I have entrusted it to Him, and when the time is right, I will be ready. As I knew He would, He not only guarded and nourished and grew what He had planted in my heart, but has planted me in places to allow that day to come. That was almost 2 years ago and I have had the privelege of sharing my stories in many, many, setting, but once again...... why am I surprised.

Hiding My Shame

No disease is free from the effects of mental strains, which are a part of life.  If tensions and worry are the greatest evil of today's family and it effects not only our spiritual being but, our peace of mind, and happiness-- and even our physical health, it is absolutely worth our greatest effort to learn how to overcome them, and teach our children how to cope as well.  In my life, my greatest tool has been the gift that had been past to me from 5 generations, the gift of the scriptures. God has designed us for happiness, He created us for joy, and peace, He designed us to live our lives free and to the utmost for not only His honor, but, also His purpose. But, let's be honest and frank, worshipping God at times of great stress can be a solemn and difficult thing. It can be a commitment. It is not a feeling, an emotion, even though it is a part of our genetic fabric, how we were built, sometimes we just don't feel it, sometimes even fight against it. I had been in church week after week, but secretly  I had begun to feel a disconnect and  noticed my sleep pattern had changed and I had begun to fear that things were not right with my mental state. I was having abnormal reactions to everyday situations. I had also begun to dream, and when I did, they would be terrible and awful dreams, to the point of waking me up. For instance, when I drove I  feared things in the trunk flying forward in an accident and crushing me, really odd things, that I knew in my mind were not realistic, but I couldn't stop the feeling or the fear.  I became obsessive about how things where situated or arranged, and if I couldn't do it to my liking I would have to avoid them, or enter another way so I wouldn't see them. So It wasn't about how clean things were,  it was fear, fear of something crushing me, or trapping or suffocating me, about dying. So seeing anything piled or stacked made me physically sick.  Kenny had stored his suits in the back of the boys closet, and it rang over and over in my mind, those suits do not belong in there, until I could not enter their room. Nothing could be under the beds, the car had to be completely empty, even down to the spare tire and jack. This is such a hard thing to write about, it is so embarrassing, anytime you lose control in your life it is embarrassing, but it is so important that other women know, that if you're going through something like this you are not alone, and there is help. I asked Kenny after we had come through this, if I was horrible or awful to live with, because in my mind I had such guilt over those few months and I really battled this, and he said had you not know me intimately you would have never known. So I think the shame of this kind of thing or anything to do with a moment of mental weakness we make  bigger than it really is sometimes. I only wish I had talked to my physician sooner. I prayed daily God please help me overcome this, but, really didn't believe it was something for Him to handle. Go figure. I had stopped taking my Mom's calls for about 2 week, up until then I had been able to keep up the facade, but I couldn't do it any longer, I wasn't even able to leave the house, those last few days. Kenny was driving the kids to school and he would pick things up at the store if we needed them. If  he questioned me, I would just brush him off and say that I wanted to stay home and get caught up on some things. When he would leave, I would get in a ball on the sofa, in front of the fire and not move until he was texting me that he would be home soon. I was paralyzed with fear. At this point I was still able to at least be in the house. On this particular day we got the kids up and off for school and I walked them out to the car and told them goodbye. As they drove off, I turned to go into the house and I could not walk up the stairs past the stacked wood we had stacked by the door for the fireplace. I had walked passed that wood 100s of times.  We had a glass front door and not only the wood had terrified me but we had this grand staircase leading to all 3 floors, and to the right of it we kept all our winter boots and scarves and coats and I could feel my throat closing just thinking about having to walk past all that stuff and it crushing me, killing me. Thank God when I walked the kids out to tell them goodbye I had wrapped a blanket around me, and I had slipped a pair of Wyatt's sweatpants on and I had slid Kenny's Ga boots on because it was 27 degrees that day. Kenny found me almost 6 hours later. I was lying on an outdoor lawn sofa at the front door about 30 feet down the driveway. I was hardly responsive to him. And when he did approach me I was extremely fearful of him. I remember sitting on that bench watching a few snowflakes fall thinking God this is not fixable, this is the end, their is no hope, I have reached the end. I came to abject acceptance, I was done, I'm beaten, finished, God you decide what you want for my life, I expect nothing, I was an invalid, of the worse kind, the mind. Something had changed in my mind, my ability to process what was a threat and what was not was all criss crossed. I thought, I will never be the same. Who will care for my children. Who will care for me? Again this is the end. When Kenny approached me it was as if he approached me to harm me. Everything was a threat.  After quite a while he finally got me in and by the fire and, long story short, my mind had given over to stress and it had created havoc on my mind and body. I  asked him please don't tell anyone I felt stripped and vulnerable,  I feared people will treat me differently. Did I have control over it, I don't know, I guess we all handle stress in different ways, but I do think had I not allowed my thoughts to overcome me, reached out sooner, stood on what I know to be true in my heart, the scriptures, maybe I could have avoided it? Instead, I decided that maybe, I am  clever enough to overcome my own crisis, I could bring myself through all these changes of life. I kept trying to talk myself through this, I was relying on my own small private consciousness and I was sure to fail, and I did.  Terribly it had become "I" not "We" (God), however, Crisis, once again, brings us back, face to face, with our inadequacy and in turn it leads us straight to the inexhaustible sufficiency of God. Somehow that part of myself I had not turned over to Him. I had asked for physical healing more times than I can recall, but mentally it seemed to be a different issue. It just felt like some kind of flaw on my part, like something I could have prevented or stopped, or had control over. Unlike if it had been diabetes or high blood pressure, somehow there is tremendous shame attached to mental illness. As if I was hiding it from the One who knew me the best.  Much of the state of  our mind is what we place our trust in, if we place it in failure, or fear, then we are certainly investing it poorly, I think just down right wasting it. For weeks I had allowed  all my mental energy to be consumed with worry and fear and failure and it had built and built, I had placed my faith in what was around me what I could see, instead of using that energy to rest on the promises I knew God had made our family, many of them I had  seen come to pass. It seems all through the Bible there kept recurring Jesus's plea for us to have faith, to ask, to ask, to ask, The scriptures say.. til now, or up to now, as yet, you asked nothing in my name; ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full. If for all your evil you know to give good things to your children how much more will you heavenly Father give good things to those who ask. My joy was gone, so I certainly could relate to that, and I loved my children more than life. So after the cat was outta the bag, and the crazy lady was revealed,  I felt some better, not so alone, but it didn't get better in just a day. I made an appointment with my physician and I went on a fast. I had to find Him. I had been desperate for Him before over other things and He had always shown up, I needed wisdom, the doctor needed wisdom, my mind needed healing. Like so many things in my life, I thought God this can be one more thing I can use to show your never ending love and compassion for those you love. Now, one little problem, I had swore Kenny to secrecy and this blog is not exactly a group of my closest girlfriends. But, I made the commitment to be honest about my life and I am following the outline and this incident was next and I feel this is such an important subject. So God am I going to give it all to you, even my crazy moment!?! Yep, I guess so. Back to my search for Him, I thought, "Who is going to be my Master, my true Master, fear and shame over what happened, myself, we know how that turned out, no, I want the one true Master, the One who wants joy and peace and purpose for my life.  Mark 8 says for a man to save his life he must lose it. But if he loses it for My sake ....he will find salvation, or he will be saved (meaning from not only perpetual lostness, but from lostness day to day). So in other words, outside of the pain of all out handing over to Him all of our natural self (to be, in some sense, destroyed) there is consolation in knowing that He gives us a new "self", one born from above, one in which He will be the center of. I will gladly, even with the pain of humiliation, give Him everything, let Him destroy it, make it new. God I need a healing of my mind, a renewing, a rewiring, I had let worry and fear become my center not You, and it had taken over my mental capacity. Our families today are living in abject fear, fear of losing their jobs, fear of losing their car, fear of losing their homes, I sit at the library sometimes to wait on the  kids to get out of school, and I have been shocked at the families I am certain are homeless. And many of them go to my children's school. Alot of them walk from school to the library and then the parents come on the city bus to pick them up, many in their work uniforms. From conversations and things I've seen I am certain they live at the shelter. And many live with relatives or friends. The weight on the faces of these children is so heavy, and the parents, are half my age, yet the burdens of life have made their marks on them and aged them beyond their years. What a diverse difference the scriptures have made in our home, in my life, in the lives of our children. The burdens they carry are when the next happy meal is going on sale! When the scriptures are alive in a home,  even in the worse of lifes situations, there is hope, hope that brings parents together, keeps parents together, lets those children know the Creator is interested in the little affairs of their life, every detail, and when real crisis hits they know Who to call upon. I think we have failed to display this simple but powerful truth, God can be trusted. Hope is always of God, faith is always right, fear and despair is always wrong. We can rest, rest in the assurance of knowing that His love for us boundlessly surpasses our own. Nothing can ever separate us from that love except our own blind unwillingness to receive. I thought it would give a different perspective to have Kenny write what he was thinking and feeling the day he found me on that lawn sofa.

  You will have to be told what is happening as you read this very sentence, because it is entirely scandalous and that is because I am doing something that after 27 years a man with even partial sensibility knows never to do, injecting his opinion!  The only thing saving my future is that this is really not much about opinion, it is more about memory.  Memory, that is, of the most striking and demeaning type. Angie and I thought it would be, seeing this particular blog is a bit of an expose, necessary and relevant if I recalled that same day from my memory, something I was hoping I would never, ever have to do and something extremely unpleasant for me.  Let me say, forthrightly, we are not attempting to make some deep theological dogmatic point, we are, also, not implying that we have some extraordinary insight that we alone have been able to acquire, much to the contrary we feel great shame at having been thrown into the furnace only to realize we had really no genuine metal, no gold, no pure silver, no heated and hardened steel, we came to realize we were weak and effete and hardly worthy of the most beautiful and marvelous name of "Christian".  We all deal with hundreds of issues week to week, thousands month to month, but when you tinker with those things in us which are the very core and central beliefs we have built our lives on, the pressure of those kinds of conflicts can reveal who and what you are.  What we have dealt with has only proven that we had so little real confidence in what we believed that we have, practically, been atheists in sheeps' clothing.  Amongst the Jews the old adage, "The fool has said in his heart, 'there is no God'" it had nothing, at all, to do with an open proclamation of disbelieving in Deity, it had to do with the man or woman who, though they believed in word, whole heartily, in God, in the way they lived, however, they were denouncing His existence entirely.

Shame, great shame!  All that to say that this time was in the heart of months and months of continual desperation and bitter internal doubt.  I had carried the immense burden of, as the man of the home, seeing my role as "provider" slowly corrode into a worthless and meaningless title.  I was not only reared in the south I was steeped in the Christian tradition of hard work and honor of family loyalty.  This kind of belief forces an approach of taking years of work and slowly building, not only security at home, but good reputation publicly.  That was all, now, in ashes!  When you awake in the morning and as you rest your head on your pillow at night and the majority of seconds that lye between those two conscious moments, your mind is filled with a form of fear which can hardly be clearly defined, but is the most horrid state being I had ever conceived of in my nightmares.  For the previous year I had waited for Angie to begin the conversation I knew had to eventually come, the one which starts with, "We have to talk!"  Besides, what was left of the man she had married, the man who promised to  provide for and keep her, and her children, through all the days of our lives.  Of the secondary fears I had often borne in my mind's abyss, was the fear that she would break, that she would, in spite of her powerful will to carry herself with great honor and with an undefeatable public show of joy, though it was often a bit of theatre, finally snap and the woman I loved so deeply, so hopelessly, would disappear forever.  It was not a baseless and paranoid fear.  Days like those wear deep on people, deep in the worst of ways.  They grate on your soul, they relentlessly gnaw on your mind, and they never, never give up.  I had tried, and not with an intentional sense of mockery, to repeat all the wonderful quotations which were suppose to bear up our souls, but they fell hollow.  I just asked God for one last favor, in this new world where His favors seemed to short supply, "God, please don't let her break! I have nothing left but Her and these kids. Please, please keep her mind, her sanity, collected and in tact!!"  Mothers have always been the anchor of the home, but this woman had become more than any of us had imagined she would.  Her grace and poise had been tested and she had never lost her powerful compassion for the weak and poor in soul.  She had learned, though it was never natural in her youth, to tell a joke, and amazingly, she became very good at it. This entirely because she was determined to have laughter in her home and with her children, a bit of a prick to my pride seeing as how I had always believed myself to be much funnier than I must have been. I suppose I had become far too paranoid, a common side-effect of such times, none-the-less, I imagined seeing small fractures in that beautiful Trojan horse she had built, and it made me pray all the harder, and, in what I believed, was all the more sincerely.  I had taken the kids, Cole and Bella, to school, I had spent the morning in my long-running ritual, reading and trying to re-think, through my reading, Who and What God really is.  I had headed back up the mountain and the cold, cold mountain wind made me long to see that old brick fireplace.  As I drove up the mountain and turned into our driveway I became puzzled at the dark figure I saw on the N-east corner of the house.  I couldn't see it too well because it was some 150 yards from the last bend in Foxrun and up our drive and then to the back of the rental, however, as I moved closer my mind finally became clear as to what this dark, shadowy figure was and as I did my heart leapted into my throat and my soul dropped into hell.  There, on an old lawn sofa that she loved so much, lying in the only corner of the small back drive where there was a stream of sunlight, was Angie.  She was wrapped in a blanket which was much too light for the kind of mountain cold of that day, and she was motionless.  I forced my mind to go through all the possibilities I could imagine which had nothing to do with tragedy and pain, however when I stepped out of that little red S-10 I could hear a sort of whine, or maybe a low groan, and I started to walk toward her. She never looked at me, never looked at the truck, and she didn't say a word.  I didn't want to do or say the wrong thing so I approached her slowly and when I was only about 15 feet away I could hear some sort of guttural moaning, or a bit of a groaning, the sort of which I had heard when I was growing up when I encountered a wounded animal. I had long ago thought it best to stop praying about anything except the most essential and necessary issues in life, but I could not shake the thought that this was the answer to my one last, most dire, prayer!  She never looked at me and I said, very quietly, to her, "Honey, what are you doing? Are you Okay?"  When I reached out to touched her she recoiled and I couldn't make out if it was deep anger, a moment of mild hostility, or simply the physical shell of a woman who had become lost in depths of a mental collapse.  I said, "Angie, it is too cold out here, you have to come inside!"  Her shoulders and arms were quivering, her lips were pale and a light shade of blue had set in, and she just mumbled about not being able to go inside, about there being too much behind the stairs, that there was danger inside.  I, as had become the case so often now days, didn't know what to do, so I just grabbed her arm, forced her up and lead her inside to the downstairs couch.  The stairs were to the right and when we entered she moved to my left and pulled me hard away from the stairwell.  I wrapped her up and pulled a small electric heater near her and prayed she would have no frost-bite, not that I had any confidence in my prayers.  For the next three hours she didn't move.  I wanted to help her, I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to heal her wounds, whatever they were, but I just sat and stared.  I thought, well I will never again be able, at least while she is sane, tell her how sorry I am for all of this, how I know she had many choices before me, and would have had many after, and how, except for our children, I had come to be nothing  but a curse to her, but I realized I would never have that chance now.  The woman I loved so much was now gone, her body was still there, her beautiful face, her long statuesque frame, but "she" was gone. I would like to say I felt failure, maybe disillusionment, maybe confusion, but what I felt was in places and in ways which speech simply cannot reach.  It was a loss of all that is sensible, all that is good, all that you are sure of, and as if all the collection of pain you had ever experienced became focused on one moment.  I just needed one more day, one more afternoon, maybe just one more hour just to let her know I had never meant her harm, never meant for life to be this way, never meant to lead her to this kind of ignoble end, but all the days, all the hours were gone!  I don't want to talk about this anymore, what I will say is this, I realized the faithless, cravenous, heartless little man I was, and there was nothing I could do about it, but I also realized that it really wasn't about me anyway.